Childlike Faith

Oh, to be a child again.

Not!

I've always said I never wanted to be a kid again because of the things that happened during my childhood. But, after I heard a story tonight about a 9 year old boy, I wouldn't mind being a kid again.

We're told to have childlike faith. But, what does that look like? A friend of mine told me of how he was talking to his 9 year old son last night. He said that he asked him if he had prayed to Jesus yet. The boy responded, "Yeah, but...well, dad, He's not fast."
To this the father asked, "What do you mean?" Even though he well knew.
The boy replied, "He's slow."

"He's not fast...He's slow." Oh, to have this child's faith in my God! When I heard this story, I realized that this boy knew God is good, but that He answers in His time, not ours. He anticipated and expected God to answer his prayers.

And that is what we should do. We should anticipate and expect Him to answer our prayers, because He is faithful and good. But, we also need to know that He answers in His own time, and not always in the way we expect. But, He is good. And that is the childlike faith we need to have.

Psalm 27:13-14

Amplified

"[What, what would have become of me] had I not believed that I would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living! Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your hearts be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord."



NLT

"Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."



NIV

"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"





I love all three versions of these two verses. They say basically the same thing, but are slightly different. I love that the NIV says "I believe". I've been having a hard time believing that He is good. The NLT says that "Yet I am confident". Before that 'yet' was a bunch of pain and hurt. Much was going on, but he says that "Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness...." And, not only that, but it will be in the land of the living. This means that he knows that He will see the Lord's goodness not only when he dies, but while he still lives!



This is a hard concept for me to grasp. I have so many lies that I've been believing about God. These lies keep me from believing that He is good and keep my walls up to keep Him out. I realized that I need to step out in bold faith and see what God is made of. It's almost a challenge to God. I can see myself, waving at God to bring it on, challenging Him to show Himself true to His Word. That's what this is. Why else does it say to wait on the Lord?



David admonishes us to wait for the Lord. I feel this request is to wait for Him to show that He is who He says He is. This is what I'm waiting for. I'm waiting for Him to show me that He is good as He says; waiting to see that He won't hurt me, as His Word says He won't; waiting to see that He isn't going to use me like my fears say; waiting to see if these lies are just that: lies.



But this takes a bold faith. This means stepping out and tasting to see if it's safe without knowing all the details. So, as David tells me, I am going to be brave and have courage as I step out to the unknown, waiting on Him to show me He is who He says He is.

"Will You Let Me?"

He had been lame since birth. Everyday he waited for a miracle. Everyday that miracle came, but he could not take part in it.



Everyday an angel would stir the pool. If he could just take a dip in that pool's stirred waters, he would walk again. But everyday, someone beat him to it. No one would help him get to the waters fast enough to be the first. So, he sat and waited for the day to come when he would get there first.



One day, Jesus walked by. He saw the man who He knew had been sick for thirty-eight years. When He saw Him, he asked him, "Would you like to get well?"



The lame man replied that he couldn't, because had no one to put him into the pool when the water bubbled up. Jesus told him, "Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk."


I read this and am amazed. Jesus asked him if he wanted to get well. The amplified says he asks him if he is really in earnest about getting well. Why would he ask such a question when the answer would obviously be yes? I think it was because the man provided an 'excuse' for not being well.

I see myself in this situation. Jesus is asking me if I want to be well? Do I want to be healed? Free? Loved? I think His ultimate question to me is, "Will you let Me?" I've provided excuses for not being well. But it all comes down to will I let Him? He has already commanded me to take up my mat and walk, but I have not believed Him. I have not trusted Him. But, it's time to let Him. It's time for me to stop making excuses and step out in bold faith, even if I am timidly trusting Him. It's time to see if He is who He says He is.

"Will you let Me, Mindy, love you, free you, heal you?"

Those are the questions He is asking all of us.

Lights in my Darkness

I've been struggling with when to write this. I put it off because I didn't 'believe' it, or felt I wasn't in a good place to be writing it. I needed to wait because I wasn't applying it to my own life. Even though I'm not applying it to my life right now, maybe if I write it, it will help someone else.





And maybe, just maybe, by writing it, it will begin to help me.





Before it got very cold, I went on one last bike ride. I like to ride for the distance, so that's what I went for. I took off later than I had expected. The sun was barely hanging on to the day. But, I went. I'm not sure how far I had intended on going, or where I was going for that matter, and intended on being back before nightfall. But, none of my intentions, whatever they may have been, were followed through on.



Before I knew it, night had fallen. The sun lost its hold, and the moon refused to share its light. It was past time to turn back. It was dark, and I could not see. By the time I did turn back, it was even darker.



I had no light, and there were very few streetlamps along my route. I thought at times I was going to ride off the side of the road and into a ditch.



Night was not the only thing that came upon me. There was fear and vehicles. Some were ahead of me while others came from behind. When a vehicle came from behind, I was relieved. It provided a few moments of light by which I could see what was in front of me and where my position was on the road. I was relieved when their headlights approached from behind, illuminating the way before me.



The vehicles coming from the opposite way, however, were dreadful after the first one. Their headlights flashed in my eyes, blinding me from being able to see where I was going, as well as my position on the road. I could not tell how far to the left or right I was, or whether or not I was headed toward the ditch. One oncoming vehicle honked at me. It startled me so greatly I almost crashed my bike.



I finally made it back without running off the road or being hit by an oncoming car. On the way, I had been asking God to protect me, especially when I heard the sound of coyotes in the not too far off distance. And He did. He led me safely to my destination.



When I was thinking about this, God put two and two together for me. He often has a way of doing that.

There are lights in my darkness. Some are in front of me, others are behind me. The Lord is my light in the darkness, coming from behind to help me. He illuminates the way for me so that I can see. Unlike a car, He follows me, remaining behind me so that I can see. The darkness may be so dark, but when the Light comes, it expels the darkness.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation- so why should I be afraid?"

Reflections

What is it about this time in my life that makes the void of my dad more intense? I don't think, upon looking back, that at any other time the loss of a dad has impacted me more than it is now. I don't understand it. Do I have to understand it? I guess not: I mean, I'm not going to die if I don't know the answer/reason. But I want to know. Would it help me? Maybe, I don't know: I'm not a counselor.

Why is it so important to me now? Why is the emptiness screaming at me now when it was silent before? It just hurts. What's wrong with me? I just...(sigh).

I wish I knew how to still the longing: quiet the cry. It's a painful longing. I don't know if it can be filled. Some say it can, others say it can't, and will always remain empty.

Ouch.

I went to pray over my food tonight and just felt weary. I tried talking to Him about it, but I don't know what to say.

Humph... the writer has no words.

I realize that I can look to the wrong places to fill this void, but nothing is going to fill it completely or eternally.

Is there anything?

A Narrow Escape

I barely escaped today. Sin was knocking, crouching at my door, and I almost answered.

But I saw my chance to escape, and took it.

It was narrow, I'm not lying. And it was only for a split second that it was available. If I had hesitated a moment longer, it would have been gone, and I would have opened the door. I would have invited in sin, shame, and guilt. Hatred would have been my friend. I would have let myself, God, and a lot of other people down. That's the good thing about accountability.

I am thankful, especially today, that God provides a way out, and I can take it. I am thankful that He is faithful. In the midst of the knocking, He was louder and I heard Him. I saw the way out He was providing for me.

This evening would have taken a whole other course if I had opened the door. I think the really amazing thing is that He walked with me the entire way. From the very first moment, He was there.

And the really amazing thing is this: He was there in the form of another person who had no idea the purpose she was serving for me. And through her, He actually walked beside me and followed me in.

This was a narrow escape. I know that the path to follow Him is going to be narrow. It's not easy, but I want to take that path. I choose to take that path. And He will be faithful.

I love you this much

I have been struggling lately with God's love. First of all, I have walls that need to come down. I have spent my life behind brick walls, guards, and shields that have 'protected' me from being hurt by love. I don't let people love me and I especially don't let God love me. I'm too simply afraid of being hurt again.

But, God loves me this much that it is hurting Him that my walls aren't crumbling...

I've been reading Beth Moore's book Breaking Free and it has been a drink of water that I have been longing for. It has ministered to me in ways I never thought possible. I was reading the chapter about hearts broken by betrayal when Beth was talking about Judas's betrayal. She says, "In Christ's case, however, Judas's betrayal took the worst of forms....He came to this earth in the form of human flesh not only to die in our behalf but also to live in our shoes. Heart-shattering betrayal is one of the hardest experiences we encounter. To know how to best bind up the heart broken by betrayal, Christ chose to experience it...."

Wow!! He loves me so much that He was willing to endure betrayal and abuse that I would experience years upon years later just so He knew how best to bind up my broken heart! He chose to experience what I would experience just so He knew how it felt so He knew how to heal me! Wow. What love is this that He would die for me, take the nails for me, just to save me?

And you know what? I've been learning that His love is not like human love. His love is unfailing, unconditional, unending, complete, and so much more. When I think of the word 'unfailing,' I think of phrases and words like 'does not fail', 'will not fail', 'incapable of failing', 'perfect', 'will not let me down'.

When I think of the word 'unconditional', I remember that I don't have to do anything to have His love. He loves me no matter what! And He will never stop loving me no matter what I do!

When I reflect on the word 'unending', I think of the math class I am in. We have discussed that numbers are infinite: that there are 'infinitely many'. Well, His love is the same. It is infinite! It does not end! It cannot end. It does not meet at a point, but keeps going and going. It has no beginning, but always has been. That means He has loved me even before I was a thought in my parent's minds. He loved me before I was even conceived!!! He loves me infinitely!!!

His love is also complete. It has no holes or mistakes. His love is also perfect. It is blemish free!

There are so many words to describe His love. The psalmist says, "Your love, O LORD, is as vast as the Heavens...." We all know the sky does not have a point at which it meets. It keeps going. It is vast!!! We cannot see the end or the beginning of it! It's the same with His love!

Wow! "Lord, instil this in me that you love me this much! Help me break down my walls and take the shield away so that you can pierce me with your love for me. Help me to let me love you!!!"

He loves you this much!

Before and Beside Me

This week I am doing something hard, something that I have been running from. I am walking into something that I have been avoiding, because it is too uncomfortable and painful. But, it's time to deal with it. It's time to get healing.

The thing that I know that is giving me hope is that God is going before me. He has already been in my seat on Wednesday, September 23 and knows what is going to be said and asked. He knows what is going to take place. He's been there already.

And, He is going beside me. He not only has already been there, but is going to go there again, this time by my side. He will be with me because He has said never would He leave or forsake me. He keeps His promises.

He goes before and beside me in every circumstance.

One step

God is so good. Just these last few weeks I wanted to walk away. I was there, on the edge of walking away. I was done. I was tired and I didn't want to fight anymore. I was throwing in the towel and quitting. It was the end.

But one desperate prayer changed everything.

This week is Spiritual Renewal week at our college campus. I went to Vespers Sunday night to pray in preparation for this week. One thing I prayed for was that God would show Himself to me in a real way this week. I needed Him to show me He was real, or I was going to walk away, because of all my doubt.

And in the midst of everything, God showed up.

He showed up in such a real way that I cannot deny His existence. We were getting ready to leave the chapel on Monday night after the service when someone jumped on stage and asked us to stay, saying he was going to show us something beautiful.

And beautiful it was.

He started confessing sin to us. Then, one after another, people began to line up, confessing their sin, failures, and struggles. We were transparent before one another, and God showed up in the midst of our confession.

All the while this is going on, I am sitting in my seat: a war going on between heaven and hell for me. It was so intense I wanted to run. I wanted to run far away and not be there.

But, I had to stay.

At one point in the midst of my struggle, I could see myself jumping over the chairs in front of me and running. But, I had to stay. I had to share. I wanted liberty, and I knew that liberty would come in confession. I wanted a change, and I felt that maybe, just maybe, this would be the turning point for me.

And it was.

I heard a girl at the stage ask for all who struggle with sexual sin to go to the front to pray. A herd of girls made their way to the front, myself included. We prayed, and with the conclusion of the prayer, I decided to stay. I was there, so I might as well stayed there. If I would have gone back to my seat, I probably would have run.

When the microphone finally got to me, the band started singing. I wanted to run. I had to force myself to stand there: to stay. The mic got taken from me twice, because I wasn't using it, but holding it in my hand, not sure when to speak. It got quiet, and the mic was handed back to me.

I began to share how I am afraid and doubting. I thanked someone who had shared earlier that they had been sexually abused, and then shared that I also had been sexually abused by my dad when I was three. I shared that, because of that experience, trusting men and relationships with them are terrifying for me. And because of this, I shared that I struggle with homosexual thoughts. I wanted to ask if anyone else did, but I was afraid I would get silence. So, I shared how lonely I feel.

At this time, God stepped in and showed me I was not alone. A girl in the middle of the sanctuary raised her hand. Then, she got up and ran to me. As we stood there, embracing each other, I was so relieved that I was not alone anymore. Then, another girl got up and came to me. She asked if she could pray for me and I said yes. She then asked for all the girls who had been sexually abused to come forward.

I was not alone. There were several in the room. As I looked at them, I wanted to take them into my arms and cry with them. We share pain and heartache, and it is so good to know that we are not alone.

Since that night, God has continued to work. He is calling me, and I want to answer. I want to be obedient to His Spirit. I want to walk in obedience to His Spirit. I want to be real.

I feel like I am stepping out, blind. I have no idea where this is coming from, because I don't trust, I don't step out, but I'm doing it. I also know He is calling me to let my guards down. I am letting the brick walls crumble, letting the guards down, and taking the shields away from my heart so that He can pierce me. In doing this, I am letting Him love me. And I am thanking Him for His love, even though I may not feel it yet. I know that if I accept it and thank Him for it, I will allow Him to love me.

I have had several people come to me, showing me the effect of my obedience.

And it all took only one step. I was believing the lie for the past few weeks that I only had to take many steps to get to God, but only one step away from Him. I was believing wrong! I only had to take ONE step TOWARD Him, and He ran to me!!!! When I took that one step, He ran to me and embraced me in His open arms! God, you are soo good!!!!!

I am ready. I am ready to walk into this hard stuff. The darkness has lifted, and now there is light that drowns out the darkness! I am going to be obedient, walking through this healing, including the hard stuff, so that He can use me. It's time. It's time I stop running and just do it!

It's time. I'm taking the step. "Let's go, God. Walk with me through this, carrying me when necessary. I'm going to trust you, even though I'm afraid. Help me keep my eyes on you and not on my fear or the waves around me."

A Father's Love

How do you know your parents love you?

They say they would give their lives for you, and they would.
They love you no matter what you do.
They support you.
They pick you up when you cry.
They are there for you.
They help you when you are hurt or hurting.

I grew up without my dad, and my relationship with my mom was not what it should have been. But, I know she loves me. She tells me I can tell her anything. She says and does all of the things I listed above.

But my dad...

He was never there to say or do any of the above things. I don't know if he loves me, because he has never shown it. He has only shown me hurt. He is my parent, yes, but does he love me?

How do I know God as my Father loves me? I have somehow modeled Him after my dad, beliving He doesn't love me. I know he does love me, I think, but how do I accept it? How do I accept that He loves me? I can't fathom it. I've never had it and I don't know how to accept it.

I know He loves me.

He said He would give His life for me, and He did.
He loves me no matter what I do.
He supports me: with His arms.
He picks me up when I cry.
He is there for me always.
He heals me when I am hurt or hurting.
And He does so much more than I can list.

But, how do I accept His love?

How do I accept the Father's love when I've never known a father's love?

Where's My Focus?

I've lost my focus; I'm losing my faith.

I feel like the disciples when they were out on the sea when the storm came. Their boat was rocked to and fro, nose diving into the waves and flying on top of them. Jesus was asleep. He was there, but asleep. They cried for him to save them. They thought they were going to die. When he got up, he rebuked the wind and raging waters. When he had calmed the storm, he asked them, "Where is your faith?"

They had their focus on the storm, not on who was with them. They had lost their focus on Him and had put it on the storm. They lost their faith that they would be saved, and feared they would die.

I feel like I am in the boat with them, crying out that I am going to drown. I have lost my focus, and in the process, my faith. My eyes are on the storms going on around me in my head and heart.

Or, what about Peter? I could be Peter, too. He had enough faith to ask Jesus that if it was him and not a ghost, to tell him to come out on the water. When Jesus commanded him to step out, he did. And for a minute, Peter walked on water.

But, we all know the rest of the story. When he lost his focus and began to focus on the waves instead of Jesus, he began to sink. He took his eyes off of Jesus and put them elsewhere.

But, in both cases, Jesus was there. He calmed the storm and the disciples lived. He reached out and caught Peter and he did not drown.

What's it going to take for me to get my focus back on Him? How did Peter and the disciples get their focus back on him? Were they able to?

Did they lose their faith when they lost their focus?

Two Roads, One Choice

So, I feel I am faced with two roads, leading in two different directions. My dilemma? I only have one choice. I feel like I am being pulled in two different directions. I could either run completely away from Him, or run to Him. It's a scary place to be. What is this tug I feel? Why am I feeling it? Is it because of everything else going on? God, what is happening? I feel like you aren't real anymore. Part of me wants to walk away, and the other part of me is fighting to stay. I don't understand....

I don't know how I got here. I know I wasn't seeking you like I should have been, but, how did I get here? Why am I here? How do I get back? It seems so impossible and I feel I should just give up. I know the road I want to take, but to get there seems so impossible. The other road seems so much easier: it's right there, just one step away.

Am I tired of fighting? Do I have any more in me? Could I really just walk away?

I'm at a crossroads: I only have one choice.

Pray for me.

No More

Why is it that every time we think we can't handle anymore, God says we can? I mean, I feel like I have reached my limit in what I can handle. I am dealing with so much right now. And then today happens. I get a text message from my mom. Okay, so getting a text message from your mom shouldn't be a bad thing, but today it was. Her boyfriend was having surgery today to remove a tumor and make sure it wasn't cancerous.

Well, it is.

I have no idea what to do, think, or feel. I mean, I feel bad because no one should have to go through cancer no matter who they are or where they come from or no matter what sins they are committing. So, the only reason I have no idea what to do, think, or feel is because 1) my mom and he are not in a right relationship and telling me and my sister to wait until marriage. He stays the night at my house and because of my past, I'm not comfortable with it. 2) I didn't want to try to get to know him because I felt he had, first of all, taken my place in the family and I didn't know where or how I fit in anymore, and second, I didn't want to get to know him or have a relationship with him because that is what I want with my dad. I didn't want him to have the place my dad should have.

But, this time around when I was visiting home, I was trying. I actually tried to get to know him. He respects me and my mom and sister, which no man my mom has married/dated has ever respected me/us. My mom is so deep into this relationship, as they have been dating a little over a year now, and is afraid. I don't want anything to happen to him because I don't want to see my mom go into a deep depression. I also don't want to become the adult/caretaker for my mom once again, as I have been my whole life. I don't want that role anymore/again.

I also am afraid because I don't know how this(if anything happens to him) is going to affect/effect my sister and me. I feel like she is going to, once again, focus all her attentions on him and not on her kids.

I just don't understand why this is happening. God, what am I supposed to learn from this? What haven't I learned from all the other stuff in my life that has happened that you want me to learn from this? Where are you in all of this? I know I'm not alone, but I feel it.

I just don't know how I can handle much more. I want no more. But, I'm sure you wanted no more when your Son was on the cross. Give me your strength to be able to get through all this stuff. I can't do it alone.

Yet...

I feel like I am beginning to more understand Jesus when He begs His Father to "let this cup pass from me!" He was in anguish about what was coming in the near future. He knew the time of His betrayal and death was drawing near. And He begged the Father to take it from Him.

I am in a place where I am begging the Lord to "let this cup pass from me!" I don't want to go home. It's not safe there with my sister. She hates me. And I'm not exaggerating. She tells me quite often that she does. I dread going home, mostly because of her. But, this time, there are more reasons that that one for why I don't want to go, but I'm not going to share. The time for me to go home is drawing near, and I am begging my Father to not let it come.

But, He said, "Yet not my will, but Yours be done." He begged His Father to hold back the time, to not let it come, but He also relinquished His will to His Father's will.

I don't want to go home. My mom is not saved, and neither is my sister. I have an opportunity to go home and be Christ to them. I get to show them what He is doing in my life. I get to let them see the healing He is bringing into my life: the healing I thought impossible. I have to relinquish my will to the Lord's will. I know that He is going to use me, but I just don't see how yet. But, "not my will, but Yours be done, oh Lord."

And look what happened. He saved the world when He gave up His will for His Father's.

And who knows what will happen when I give up my will for my Father's? I might not save the world, but maybe I can bring the saving Grace of Jesus to my mom and sister.

It's not over yet.

And He's not done yet.

h/Home

home is not a good place for me. I have never wanted to go home. If it's not my mom fighting with my sister, it's my mom fighting with me. Or, it's my mom having her boyfriend over for the night, making me uncomfortable so I leave and spend the night somewhere else. Home used to be my safe place, away from the bullies at school. That was, until things with my sister got worse and my mom started pushing me away, so I feel. Then, no place was safe.

When I left for college, I was relieved. I finally was away from home. Until holiday vacations rolled around. Then I found myself back in the middle of things. My visits home were never enjoyable. I wished them over before they had even begun. Luckily, this summer I didn't have to go home for long. I was there for about 5 days before I left again to move into the family's home I would be house sitting for later in the summer. I had a summer job at the school library and would be on my own while the family was away.

And it flew by. I moved in on May 26, and I am leaving this Friday, August 21. I am sad about leaving, because this summer has been great. It's been great to be with a family that is typical, and not completely abnormal. I have been able to see how a family is supposed to interact, with only minor disruptions and arguments. I've seen how a husband and wife are supposed to interact and how a father is supposed to interact with his children. It has been a relief.

But, it's ending. I am going home.

But, this morning in church I was reminded of something. This world is not my home. I will be going Home one of these days where moms and dads don't get divorced, dads don't hurt their children, moms don't lie to their daughters, and sisters love each other. Dads don't leave and moms don't get hurt. At my new Home, it is safe. I can't wait to go Home. And the best part is that I will finally have a Dad: a tangible Dad. I can sit in His lap, cry on His shoulder, and feel His arms around me. He won't hurt me, leave me, or push me away, but will love me: only love me.

I can't wait to go Home!

Relentless

In the last few days, I have come to find that my enemy is relentless.

So is my God.

And so am I.

It's been hard. The enemy keeps firing his lies at me, wanting me to believe them. And they sound good. It's hard not to believe them. It's even more difficult not to give in to them. But each time a lie comes my way, I find myself toying with it. But I eventually find myself running to my Strong Tower that is my refuge.

And He fights for me, just like He always has and always will.

I love the story in Exodus where the Israelites have fled with Moses leading them. Pharaoh is in a fit of rage when God hardens his heart again after letting them go. So, he sends out the Egyptians to recapture the Israelites. They are coming up on the Red Sea when the Israelites start giving way to fear, shouting at Moses for leading them to their death, believing they were better off in Egypt. Moses asks God what to tell the people. God tells him to tell the people to not fear. He told Moses to tell the people that they should just stand still and watch the Lord rescue them that day. They only need be calm and not fear, and the Lord Himself would fight for them. He said that the Egyptians they saw before them, they would never see again.

He was right. He kept His promise. He fought for them. He parted the sea, got them through on dry ground, and then closed it on the Egyptians. I love the end of Exodus 14, where this is found. It says that the Israelite's saw the bodies of the Egyptians washing up on shore. Their bodies were proof that they would never be seen again: they were dead.

And God was relentless. Even though the Israelite's complained and belly-ached all the way, He never ceased to provide for them. He loved them. I am sure He cheered for them to get to the Promised Land. He was relentless!

And He's the same today. He hasn't changed since that time: since ever! He still wants to part the sea and drown the Egyptians who are chasing me. And I, just like the Israelite's, hear lies from the enemy. Only the lies I hear aren't about being better off in Egypt, but about being better doing this or doing that. I hear the enemy telling me I am safer going this way, but I know better.

And my God is relentless! He fights for me with His truth! Just like Moses told them the truth, that God would rescue them, I know God will rescue me!

I know, because my God is relentless!

Law and Justice, Concern, and yet, Failure

The law has failed me. They took my trust. They say they're concerned, but they lie. And if they are telling the truth, that they really are concerned, then they failed miserably with me. They let me down. He should have been put in prison. He should have to register. He should not have a family. He should not have gotten out.

I can't get out. I've been in prison my entire life. I'm terrified to have a relationship with a man. I got a life sentence, but he got off easily.

I was only three, but I knew. I could have told them. Screw the laws for protection. They didn't protect me to begin with, otherwise he would not have hurt me. I don't understand why, if I could tell my mom what happened, why I couldn't sit and tell a judge what happened? It's not like I was a child. I became an adult the moment I told my mom.

This is something I've been angry about my entire life. I hear and read of stories of people in my situation who actually get to see some justice. And it's not fair. He didn't even get this put on his record.

And I see so many books about this. People seem to generally care. But then why did the law fail me? They do studies that tell us statistics, and yet they do nothing, even though the statistics are staggering.

So, while there may be this thing called Law and Justice in which people might feel concern, they fail at bringing justice. But thankfully, my dad will get the Justice that is coming to him. On that day, One will judge him and give the justice deserved. The Lord will provide vengeance for me. He will be my Justice. He will give my dad what he deserves.

But in the mean time, I have to get out of this prison.

El Qanna

There are so many battles going on around me.

There is a battle that rages at home between my mom and my sister, me and my sister, my mom and I about her boyfriend, and between my mom and God.

There is a battle going on inside myself.

There is a battle raging between Heaven and Hell in which I am in the middle, being pulled this way and that, trying to resist one way and flee to the other.

And there is even an unspoken battle.

But, my God is a jealous God. He is El Qanna. Moses told the Israelites in Exodus 14:13-14 to not be afraid. He told them what God told him to say: that if they will just stand still and be calm, the Lord will rescue them. He said that He himself would fight for them. He wasn't going to send someone else to fight for the people He loved. No, He was going to fight for them himself.

My God is a jealous God. He fights for me. He himself fights for me. Even though these battles rage on in my life, heart, and head, He is fighting for me. He loves me that much.

And if my God is fighting for me, doesn't that mean He is on my side? And if the Lord is for me, who can be against me? If He is fighting for me, what can mere mortals do to me?

If He is fighting for me, why should I be afraid of the arrows or swords? Why should I be afraid of the things I am going through?

He is El Qanna, which means 'jealous God.' He is jealous for His people. He is jealous for me. Satan wants me, but my God won't let him have me, because I am one of His. And even though these battles rage on, I can confidently say that my God will rescue me. He says, "Just stand still, my child. Do not be afraid. Just stand still and watch me rescue you. I will fight for you. Just be calm."

Thank you, Abba, for being my El Qanna.

The Shredder

It's interesting how a simple task like shredding paper can bring a tumult of emotions and memories. I remember one point in my life where my mom and I sat on the living room floor, pulling out strands of tape from the cassette tapes that had recorded memories that I did not have: memories that were not very pleasant. They were the voices of me and my dad at the age where I was still in diapers. He wanted to change me, and I refused. He wanted me to go get a diaper, and I refused still. He yelled at me. He was angry at me. While I don't have this memory, but only what I heard on the tape, it raises questions. Why was it recorded in the first place and why was it being destroyed? And why did I play a part in the destruction?

The next memory that shredding paper at work brought back was the time my mom bought a shredder. I was older then, and the memories were long gone. But, shredding brings back memories for me. I remember that we were, again, sitting on the living room floor. My mom had pulled out a ton of paper records that had been filed away in a locked filing cabinet in our apartment. Why they were there, I don't know. And why they were destroyed, I wish I knew. They were papers of the past: papers recording the things that happened to me. They were papers telling of the aweful events of my three year old life. And again, I was taking part in their destruction.

She didn't mean for me to see it, but I did. It was a paper that, obviously a small child had colored on. The picture: an outline of a person. The color of choice used: black. Of course, the color was not contained in the lines, but strategically and angrily scribbled on one part of the figure's body: a place where no child should have to color.

When I saw it, I, of course did not remember it, but knew I had done it: for who else could have? My question now is not what was it about, but why was it all destroyed? It was my past. It could tell me what happened. It could tell me what I have always wanted to know. It would have taken time before I could look at it, but it was supposed to be mine. I should have had them. I could have had the truth. I could have had solid evidence, not just what someone has said to me.

Why did she have to shred them?

Will He Wait?

I desire a relationship...we all do...it's how God made us. But right now, I cannot pursue one. I have healing that needs to be done before a relationship can take flight. But, will he wait? I know of at least two that I like, but is one for me? They are sweet, kind, and they treat me the way I deserve to be treated. But, will he wait?

I can't get into a relationship right now. I don't know how long it will be before I can. But, will he wait? If it's God, I know he will. But, it's hard to let God have control. I just want him to wait, but he doesn't even know.

How Can I Stand Strong?

How am I supposed to be strong right now when I am so weak? I don't know why He has called me to this. It's hard and it hurts. How can I stand strong? "But when I am weak, then You are strong. Your strength is made perfect through my weakness." So where is this strength? Where is it when I want to fall to the floor? Where is it when I want to give up? Where is it when I am tempted to give into temptation: into my weakness? Where is it now when I need it the most?

How can I stand strong without it?

Healing is Like Having a Scab That Itches

Have you ever got a sense of what could be inside of you? Of who you could be if you do or don't take one step? I have.

And do you ever see yourself and thank God you didn't make that one move, but feel sick that you could have? Or you see yourself making the move, taking the step, even though in reality you didn't? I do.

And I don't know what to do. I know the source, but it is so hard to do something about. What do I do? I know the problem, but how do I solve it? Is it about God healing me? I know I need healing, but I never thought it was this that needed to be healed. I guess we have different ideas of what needs to be healed, God and I do.

Is this about me giving up and watching Him work? I don't know.

And why does this have to be so hard? It's not fair. And why do I have to deal with this again? "God, I don't know how you are going to heal me, but do it soon. I told you I was ready for the healing you had for me, and I guess this is the beginning. It makes sense, I'm just afraid."

I guess this is like a wound being healed. It scabs over, and we pick at it, because it itches. Healing hurts, or at least some parts of it hurt. It itches and is uncomfortable. But, it's healing. Healing is uncomfortable at times. This healing is definitely uncomfortable. I hate talking about some things, just like I hate pouring peroxide into an open wound. It hurts and is hard, not to mention uncomfortable. But necessary for the healing process. I have to get everything that's inside out. Then the real healing can begin.

But, it hurts. And I don't want to talk about it. But, I have to. I have to, because it's necessary for healing.

Boy, healing is like having a scab that itches.

Please don't come, Tomorrow.

Tomorrow ends for me a week of searching: for truth, freedom, and what is inside of me. Tomorrow, the gavel will fall, and a decision will be given. But, have I really got the right decision? How do I really feel? I wish I knew for sure.

This week, I have searched, prayed, and reflected. I feel like a lot has been revealed to me about myself, and yet I know so little. I feel like I have found the source for this turmoil, and I know the answer to how to make it end, or so I think. But, how do I apply it? How do I take this answer and put it into action? How does it work?

And tomorrow, when the gavel falls, what decision will I make? Can I have another week? This week has been refreshing, as well as filled with turmoil. How can I go back to even a little of how it was before? Which decision am I at peace with? I don't know. How does my heart feel? What is my heart saying? What is God saying?

Yesterday I felt like one thing, today I feel like another. Which one is right? Which one is God's plan? What if I make a mistake? Can it be fixed?

Please don't come, Tomorrow. I'm begging you, don't come.

Newton's Dumb Law

Why does one man's law have to be so true? It's so dumb. And I'm only venting about it because I have come to realize that it is true, not for tangible objects and push/pull..., but for human actions. The things we do, the actions we make, always have an equal reaction to the person we act against. If this makes no sense, let me clarify. If I say I hate you, you are going to feel sad. If I hit you, you are going to feel pain. A negative action usually creates a negative emotion, right?

Man, this sucks. Why can't people only do good things? The answer: we aren't perfect. We fail; we make mistakes. But the sucky thing about it is that the person on the other end of our mistakes usually ends up having to live with the consequences. These consequences are the things we struggle with and the battles we fight. They are the fears we have and the nightmares/memories that haunt us at night.

Why does it have to be that the actions someone does against me create problems that I have to face? Why do they have to make battles I have to fight? It's just not fair. It's his mistake. He should have to deal with this stuff. Not me.

Newton, your law is dumb.

God's Beauty

It seems like God shows up when we need Him. Well, duh, He does. He's God and He's always there. But lately, it seems. that He has been showing me some of His beauty. Or maybe I have been noticing it for the first time.

Yesterday I went for a bike ride. I was having a bad day due to the news I had gotten about my sister only the night before. I was riding down 600th street in Upland when I came across a corn field. Now, the corn field was beautiful in itself. It was a rich green and very wide. I couldn't see the end of the corn field from where I was standing. And as I was passing, I saw something jumping in the field.

To my amazement, it was a dear. She was running across the field and at the same moment I stopped my bike with my breaks, she stopped and we both stared at each other for a few minutes. She was beautiful! She stood there, strong and steady, standing her ground. She was quite a distance away, but still, she was something to stop and stare at.

After a few moments, she turned and ran in the opposite direction. I thanked God for this sight and went on my way. About two seconds later, I happened to see a cardinal only a few feet away from me. He was something to behold. Again, I smiled and thanked God.

I continued riding for a while and eventually found myself at Taylor University's lake. I went to sit on the prayer deck, but couldn't sit. I went to one side of the lake and sat down. As I was sitting, I kept seeing and hearing the water animals splashing in the lake. Then, there were all the insects that were flying around. Some of them were beautiful and very interesting. They were different colors and had different patterns on their wings. I wish I knew all of their names.

When I wasn't captured by the fish, frogs, and turtles in the lake, I was drawn to the flowers and plant life that were in and around the lake. They were beautiful! And when I wasn't captured by the flowers and plant life, I was taking in the sky and the clouds and the beauty of the day, not to mention the warmth of the sun shining on my face!

Then, today when I was driving up to the house, I stopped on the driveway because a rabbit caught my eye. He was beautiful. He sat there, staring and still. Then his nose started to twitch and he started to eat some of the grass. I observed his every movement. He was beautiful.

I sat there for what seemed like forever and then moved on. When I pulled up to the house and got out of the truck, I happened to catch a glimpse of another rabbit. She was over by the grapevine. I walked over there and stared at her, too. When I felt she was afraid because of her body language, I walked away.

But, what have I done to deserve to behold these beautiful creations of my God? Nothing, and that is the beauty in it all. He brings me His beauty in my times of despair and fear. When I am in the valley, He brings me some beauty to behold to take my mind off the things I'm going through.

What a beautiful God I serve.

Hebrews 6:13-19

Today in church was interesting. The speaker was preaching from Hebrews 6. He was talking about God's promise to Abraham, and how Abraham waited patiently for the Lord. The Scriptures say here that God bound Himself by with an oath, so that those who received the promise could be perfectly sure He would never change His mind. It says an oath is binding. Verse 18 says that God has given both His promise and His oath. And these two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. This is why we who have fled to Him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. vs. 19: This hope isa strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls.

I love this passage. It speaks something to me, but I don't know what. I just know I can rest in it.

Remember the post I posted a few days ago with the title "Trusting in His promises"? I kept hearing the words "trust" and "promise", but didn't know what they meant. I think God is trying to make it clear to me. Maybe it is that I can trust in Him and He promises to rescue me. I have had a lot of things happen this past week. I have been struggling with two things and then I get news about my sister and that whole situation. I am trying to do everything on my own strength, which is another thing the preacher was talking about not doing today. I think God is calling me to simply trust in Him that He promises to rescue me and be my strength.

"Is this what you are trying to tell me, Lord?"

What if's

What if she kills herself? What if she kills her mom? What if she kills my mom? What if she goes off on a terrible rage again and goes further this time? She called the police on her. When she found out, she took off running. They found her and brought her back. I don't have the full story, only this. Why does she threaten to kill herself? What is going on inside her head?

What if I go home? She hates me already, so won't that make her hate me more? What if I can't handle all this stuff? Is it okay I'm done? But what about my mom, who is still there? What will happen to her?

Why isn't she being a mom? Why isn't she doing everything she can to help her? Does she not know what to do? I am so powerless in this situation. But, Daddy, you are strong and have all the power we need.

What if she dies? We don't have a good relationship. What will I do without my little sister, even though she hates me and I have no chance? What is going to be the outcome of all of this?

Father, you see me crying out for my family. Hear me and answer my cries. I'm desperate for a change.

What if my family were restored? What if relationships become changed and strengthened?

Please, hear me Dad. Our family is hanging in the balance.

I don't want to see these what if's become reality. Please, don't let that happen.

Another analogy

So, because I am good at coming up with analogies, here is another one for another battle I face:

We all have bad habits. Why some of them aren't talked about, I don't know. But I wish they were. Like biting one's fingernails. It's a horrid habit. Many of us do it. In fact, most of us probably suffer from this habit. We are told from an early age not to do this, that it is bad. But, we like to do it. Some do it because of nerves, others do it out of boredom. Whatever the reason, we do it.

And no one talks about it. We're made to think that we are abnormal: that there is something wrong with us if we bite our nails. But, we're not, are we? I have been biting my nails ever since I can remember. I don't know why I didn't grow out of it, as many people do. I wish I did, though, because then I wouldn't feel so abnormal. I wouldn't have to face this battle every day.

I've often wondered what it would be like if I could stop biting my nails. I would be free of the habit, for one thing. I wouldn't feel like I have to be angry with myself each time I go a little while without biting them, only to fail and begin chewing. They were looking so good, until I felt an emotion that I didn't know how to soothe. Then, the biting started over once more, along with the angry feeling for failing. Sometimes, I even feel like a disappointment to those who are cheering me on.

And who knows when it will end? All I can do is hope I overcome it soon, or live with my secret analogy the rest of my life.

I wish I could write more on this subject. But, I don't know what to say, or how to say it. I can only hope that one day, someone will be brave enough to write about it.

My analogy

Here is my battle. It is what I am facing, but in analogical form.

I am poor: poverty stricken. I have two choices. I can steal and be sure that I get what I need, or I can not steal and only hope that everything goes okay and that I survive. But, if I steal, I would be compromising everything I have been taught and believe in. If I don't steal, again, all I can do is hope for the best. I can only hope for someone to come around who is willing to make everything okay.

But, here's the thing. I have a Tempter. My Tempter is using my poverty stricken past to hit me where it hurts. He is using his tricks to try and get me to steal. Now, I don't have to give in to him. But I also have my human weakness to consider. This is an area where I struggle. I want to be okay. I don't want to be poor again. But stealing isn't who I am. It's not me, nor is it who I was meant to be. And while I don't want to be that thief, I feel like I already have been, just by thinking about it. The thoughts that have trampled through my head...I have wanted and have not wanted to act on them, and luckily, I haven't. Stealing is the last thing I want to do. While it sounds appealing, I'm afraid to do it. I'm afraid of the consequences and of what people will think of me. I'm afraid of what I would think of myself.

And while I am trying to reign in my human weakness and sinfulness, trying to keep it in control, I am trying to watch out for my Tempter. How do I do this all at once? I can only do one thing at a time. And what if I try to hard to avoid him, or to keep my humanness in control and I end up tripping and stealing anyway? How do I not trip?

All I can do is sit and think about my real battle, the one that is ongoing, and that is the source for this analogy.

The battle

I keep running. I run this way and that, trying to escape. He tries to make me believe this one lie. But I can't, because I know him for what he is: a Liar. He keeps telling me this one thing, and even goes as far as putting thoughts into my head and visions into my mind's eye. But I cannot give in. I keep running. But I can't get away.

There is a battle for my mind: a battle for me. I know who wages it, and who fights against it. But what can I do? I am standing strong. I am resisting the very thing that would be my ruin. I know that God has great plans for me, and that the enemy would try to destroy them. That is what he is doing.

"Come back to me!" The enemy of my soul calls. Will he never stop?

"No!" I yell. I keep running. When will the chase end?

I don't want to give in to this thing the enemy has for me. I can see it, and I can see how easy it would be to slip into it. I see it every time it comes. I saw it the first time, and I can see it now. But, I can't. I don't want to! It's not me! That's not who I am! It's not who I want to be. It's not what I want to be.

But I feel like there is almost no choice. No way out. No escape. I'm in this battle, and there is no way out.

Unless my Prince Charming comes. And I know He will. But, when? When will He come and rescue me? I cry out, but hear no reply. The tears are falling, the battle is raging, and yet, no Prince Charming. When will He come?

Prince Charming always comes when the Princess least expects Him. In the midst of her distress, He comes, riding on the white horse to rescue her because He has heard her calling.

But, until my Prince Charming comes, I fight this battle alone. It is a shameful battle, too shameful to ask for help. What can I do? Who can I talk to? I want to win. I cannot lose. To lose will mean to lose everything He has for me. It will mean to lose the Prince, for I will have compromised everything He stands for that I believe in and have stood for ever since I had some sort of understanding.

My heart cries out in anguish. My jaw clenches in anger. My face twists in fear. My heart rises within me in pain.

What will I do? How can I win this battle?

Trusting in His Promise

I have been wearing a penny on my wrist for almost two years. I began wearing it as a reminder to trust God after I heard a story about it. The other day, I decided I was going to make it into a necklace to make room on my wrist for my friendship bracelet. In the process of turning it into a necklace, I kept hearing the words "trust" and "promise". In fact, each time I think of my penny, I hear those two words. But, what do they have in common?

I only wish I knew.

I have always struggled with trust. Not just trusting God, but trusting myself and other people. I have always had walls up for protection because once, my trust was betrayed, and I don't want it to happen again. So, I have had this wall up, thinking it was protecting me. But I know it was only keeping me from some good things. It was keeping me from freedom. I was bound by thinking that I couldn't trust anyone, including God: especially God, and that I was never going to be safe if I trusted anyone. But, this year changed that way of thinking.

I came through a lot of hard things this past year. I had to face accepting the truth about my past and had to trust in order to do so. I also came face to face with my desire for a father. I begged God to take it away, but each time I asked, He said no. I didn't understand. If He didn't want me to hurt, then why wouldn't He take it away? Boy, did it hurt. But then I came to understand why He denied me each time. It was because He wanted to fill that place inside where only a Father could fill. He wanted to show me that He could fill the hunger in my heart for a father. He is still showing me this, even as I long for an earthly father. But through this, He showed me that I can trust Him as a father. It is okay for me to trust Him. He won't hurt me nor will He fail me. That's one lesson I'm still learning, and sometimes forget.

But, how does this fit in with this other word, "promise"?

I keep hearing both of them every time I think of or see my penny. I'm not quite sure, but I think it has something to do with me trusting God that He is going to keep His promises. What promises those are, I don't know. But I know they are going to be good. His promises are always good. This is why He is teaching me to trust in His promises. It's why I'm learning to trust in Him.

I feel like this should go deeper, but I really don't know what else to say. I can't put into words how I feel about these two words and the sense I get each time I hear them. I don't know what God is trying to tell me, but I can't wait until I do. I know it is going to be good. This is the part where trusting Him comes into play.

But it's so hard to wait on the unknown.

What reason?

What reason is there for a child to lose her father? What reason is there for her father to abuse her? What reason is there for abuse? I just don't understand.

What reason is there for a daughter to see her mother battle depression? What reason is there for her mother to suffer through depression? What reason is there for depression? I just don't understand.

What reason is there for anything bad in this world to happen? I just don't understand. My life has been so hard. I've dealt with many hard things in my life, constantly breaking through walls, only to have to break through another one a few miles down the road. What reason is there for them all?

I just don't understand why I have had to go through so many hard things in my life. I know God never said it would be easy, but does it have to be this hard? I just don't understand.

And I definitely don't understand why I have to deal with my past. Why is it that every time I turn around, it is there, nipping at my heal like a lost puppy? I just don't get it. I know it is so I can become stronger and so I can rely on Him once more, but haven't I had enough? Haven't I been strong enough and haven't I relied on Him plenty? I just don't get it.

But, what reason was there for His suffering and death? All of that was for me, so all of this is for Him.

No word God

We serve a great God. No, not a great God, an awesome and mighty God. No, not an awesome and mighty God, a no word God. There are no words to describe our God. We try, but we fail. Who can describe the God who created the universe by the words of His mouth? Who can put a definition to the God who holds the oceans in the palm of his Hand? Who can define the God who tells each star where to stand, how bright to shine, and knows each by name? No one can.

We serve a God who deserves our everything. He gave His everything, so why shouldn't we? He is so great that we can't hold Him in our minds. We try, but He is too big. He had no beginning and has no end. How can we comprehend this? We simply can't. If we did, we would have Him in a nutshell and He wouldn't be a mystery anymore. Our God is like a rubix cube that no one can figure out. He's the most difficult one of them all. We try, and when we think we have Him figured out, we find out that we are wrong, and have to try again. But in all reality, we should just give up the puzzle, and let Him remain just that: a puzzle.

I have tried to put God in a box, but He doesn't fit. He's too big and too great for a box. It's not where He belongs. I have tried to define God, but I can't. He has no definition. There is none that would suit Him or that would be completely correct. There is no word in the English dictionary that could define our God. He is a no word God.

And that's just the way He is. And that's what I have for Him: no words.

One Dream

What does one do when they are caught between a rock and hard place, between losing one thing and gaining another, between giving up their dream just to keep the one who told them to dream? I don't know, but I'm having to decide.

What happens when one has a dream, but is told it's useless to pursue it? That dream becomes either stronger or is crushed altogether. My dream is being dangled in front of me, and I don't know if I should reach out for it or let it dangle. My heart says to reach out, but my fears of the 'what ifs' say to leave it dangling.

But, what will happen if I let it dangle? Will I live in regret the rest of my life? And what will happen if I reach out and take it? Is there too much to lose, or not enough to gain? My world is already upside down, so if I take it now and it is a nightmare, then it won't hurt me too much, because my world is already nightmare. But if my life becomes a pleasant dream, with my world rightside up, and I reach out and take it, what will it do to me if it turns into a nightmare? Will my life turn into a nightmare once again? Can I handle another nightmare if I'm recovered from the last one?

There's so much to think about. Maybe I'll just sleep on it. Maybe, I'll have a dream about this dream. Maybe, that'll tell me what I should do.

If You Want Me To

This song by Ginny Owens says it all for me right now. It's been a tough past few months. The signs have been unclear, and I haven't known the reason why He brought me to this place. But, I'll walk through the valley.

For the last two years, I have attended college at Taylor University Fort Wayne. This year, however, my classmates and I will not be attending: the undergraduate program has been canceled. The reason: too much money was being lost to the Upland campus. We got the announcement on October 13, 2008, at 1:00 in the afternoon. The meeting took place in Eicher Student Commons building in the Dining Commons, widely known as the DC. Tears were shed as the announcement made its way into the ears of each student, faculty,and staff memeber.

At this time, it was encouraged of us to rely on God, but, how could we? I mean, for me, this was the only good thing that had happened in my life in a long time. Why was it suddenly being taken away? I didn't understand. So many good things were taking place there. Why did it have to come to an end? The signs are so unclear.

At the end of the 2009 school year, we said goodbye to each other as we made our way home. Many of us would see each other again at Taylor University Upland, but some of us didn't know the next time we would see one another, and we still don't. We don't understand why it has to end. The only thing we know is that we are moving on out. God is spreading us to the ends of the earth to put to practice the things we have learned at that institution.

And while the transition may be hard, as it is for many of us, God is with us. He is leading us. We are in the valley as we transition into this new chapter of this life that God has written for each of us. I have heard a comment from one of my friends who I met at TUFW, that she can't wait to get to Heaven to the wedding feast. There is going to be a time for the people from TUFW, alumni, faculty, and staff, to share where God took each one and how He used them for His glory. I cannot wait for that day!

But, in the mean time, I am here. I am here at Taylor University, longing for TUFW. I long for the place that has been my home, my safe haven, for the past two years. I desire to return to the place where much healing has taken place in my life these last two years. But I know I cannot go back, at least not right now. He has called me to a place here and now. He has said it would not be easy, but that I would not go alone.

I don't know why I am here. The only thing I know is that He has a plan and a purpose. He has me in the palm of His hand and I know that His plan is good. It's just that it's not my plan.

But, being in the valley is never my plan. But, I will walk through the valley if you want me to.

Suffering

We have all been there: wondering why we go through the things we go through.
But, here's a thought:
Why did our Lord have to suffer? Why did He come to die?
It was so that He could save the whole world.
But,
Why do we have to suffer? Why do we have to go through hard things and hurt and experience pain?
It's so that, later in life, we can help those who are in our same shoes. We can help those who have been abused if we have been abused. If we have battled an eating disorder, we can help those who are battling one. If we have suffered through cancer, we can help strengthen those who are suffering it.
You get the picture.
This is why we suffer.
This is why Christ suffered.