Trusting in His Promise

I have been wearing a penny on my wrist for almost two years. I began wearing it as a reminder to trust God after I heard a story about it. The other day, I decided I was going to make it into a necklace to make room on my wrist for my friendship bracelet. In the process of turning it into a necklace, I kept hearing the words "trust" and "promise". In fact, each time I think of my penny, I hear those two words. But, what do they have in common?

I only wish I knew.

I have always struggled with trust. Not just trusting God, but trusting myself and other people. I have always had walls up for protection because once, my trust was betrayed, and I don't want it to happen again. So, I have had this wall up, thinking it was protecting me. But I know it was only keeping me from some good things. It was keeping me from freedom. I was bound by thinking that I couldn't trust anyone, including God: especially God, and that I was never going to be safe if I trusted anyone. But, this year changed that way of thinking.

I came through a lot of hard things this past year. I had to face accepting the truth about my past and had to trust in order to do so. I also came face to face with my desire for a father. I begged God to take it away, but each time I asked, He said no. I didn't understand. If He didn't want me to hurt, then why wouldn't He take it away? Boy, did it hurt. But then I came to understand why He denied me each time. It was because He wanted to fill that place inside where only a Father could fill. He wanted to show me that He could fill the hunger in my heart for a father. He is still showing me this, even as I long for an earthly father. But through this, He showed me that I can trust Him as a father. It is okay for me to trust Him. He won't hurt me nor will He fail me. That's one lesson I'm still learning, and sometimes forget.

But, how does this fit in with this other word, "promise"?

I keep hearing both of them every time I think of or see my penny. I'm not quite sure, but I think it has something to do with me trusting God that He is going to keep His promises. What promises those are, I don't know. But I know they are going to be good. His promises are always good. This is why He is teaching me to trust in His promises. It's why I'm learning to trust in Him.

I feel like this should go deeper, but I really don't know what else to say. I can't put into words how I feel about these two words and the sense I get each time I hear them. I don't know what God is trying to tell me, but I can't wait until I do. I know it is going to be good. This is the part where trusting Him comes into play.

But it's so hard to wait on the unknown.

What reason?

What reason is there for a child to lose her father? What reason is there for her father to abuse her? What reason is there for abuse? I just don't understand.

What reason is there for a daughter to see her mother battle depression? What reason is there for her mother to suffer through depression? What reason is there for depression? I just don't understand.

What reason is there for anything bad in this world to happen? I just don't understand. My life has been so hard. I've dealt with many hard things in my life, constantly breaking through walls, only to have to break through another one a few miles down the road. What reason is there for them all?

I just don't understand why I have had to go through so many hard things in my life. I know God never said it would be easy, but does it have to be this hard? I just don't understand.

And I definitely don't understand why I have to deal with my past. Why is it that every time I turn around, it is there, nipping at my heal like a lost puppy? I just don't get it. I know it is so I can become stronger and so I can rely on Him once more, but haven't I had enough? Haven't I been strong enough and haven't I relied on Him plenty? I just don't get it.

But, what reason was there for His suffering and death? All of that was for me, so all of this is for Him.

No word God

We serve a great God. No, not a great God, an awesome and mighty God. No, not an awesome and mighty God, a no word God. There are no words to describe our God. We try, but we fail. Who can describe the God who created the universe by the words of His mouth? Who can put a definition to the God who holds the oceans in the palm of his Hand? Who can define the God who tells each star where to stand, how bright to shine, and knows each by name? No one can.

We serve a God who deserves our everything. He gave His everything, so why shouldn't we? He is so great that we can't hold Him in our minds. We try, but He is too big. He had no beginning and has no end. How can we comprehend this? We simply can't. If we did, we would have Him in a nutshell and He wouldn't be a mystery anymore. Our God is like a rubix cube that no one can figure out. He's the most difficult one of them all. We try, and when we think we have Him figured out, we find out that we are wrong, and have to try again. But in all reality, we should just give up the puzzle, and let Him remain just that: a puzzle.

I have tried to put God in a box, but He doesn't fit. He's too big and too great for a box. It's not where He belongs. I have tried to define God, but I can't. He has no definition. There is none that would suit Him or that would be completely correct. There is no word in the English dictionary that could define our God. He is a no word God.

And that's just the way He is. And that's what I have for Him: no words.

One Dream

What does one do when they are caught between a rock and hard place, between losing one thing and gaining another, between giving up their dream just to keep the one who told them to dream? I don't know, but I'm having to decide.

What happens when one has a dream, but is told it's useless to pursue it? That dream becomes either stronger or is crushed altogether. My dream is being dangled in front of me, and I don't know if I should reach out for it or let it dangle. My heart says to reach out, but my fears of the 'what ifs' say to leave it dangling.

But, what will happen if I let it dangle? Will I live in regret the rest of my life? And what will happen if I reach out and take it? Is there too much to lose, or not enough to gain? My world is already upside down, so if I take it now and it is a nightmare, then it won't hurt me too much, because my world is already nightmare. But if my life becomes a pleasant dream, with my world rightside up, and I reach out and take it, what will it do to me if it turns into a nightmare? Will my life turn into a nightmare once again? Can I handle another nightmare if I'm recovered from the last one?

There's so much to think about. Maybe I'll just sleep on it. Maybe, I'll have a dream about this dream. Maybe, that'll tell me what I should do.

If You Want Me To

This song by Ginny Owens says it all for me right now. It's been a tough past few months. The signs have been unclear, and I haven't known the reason why He brought me to this place. But, I'll walk through the valley.

For the last two years, I have attended college at Taylor University Fort Wayne. This year, however, my classmates and I will not be attending: the undergraduate program has been canceled. The reason: too much money was being lost to the Upland campus. We got the announcement on October 13, 2008, at 1:00 in the afternoon. The meeting took place in Eicher Student Commons building in the Dining Commons, widely known as the DC. Tears were shed as the announcement made its way into the ears of each student, faculty,and staff memeber.

At this time, it was encouraged of us to rely on God, but, how could we? I mean, for me, this was the only good thing that had happened in my life in a long time. Why was it suddenly being taken away? I didn't understand. So many good things were taking place there. Why did it have to come to an end? The signs are so unclear.

At the end of the 2009 school year, we said goodbye to each other as we made our way home. Many of us would see each other again at Taylor University Upland, but some of us didn't know the next time we would see one another, and we still don't. We don't understand why it has to end. The only thing we know is that we are moving on out. God is spreading us to the ends of the earth to put to practice the things we have learned at that institution.

And while the transition may be hard, as it is for many of us, God is with us. He is leading us. We are in the valley as we transition into this new chapter of this life that God has written for each of us. I have heard a comment from one of my friends who I met at TUFW, that she can't wait to get to Heaven to the wedding feast. There is going to be a time for the people from TUFW, alumni, faculty, and staff, to share where God took each one and how He used them for His glory. I cannot wait for that day!

But, in the mean time, I am here. I am here at Taylor University, longing for TUFW. I long for the place that has been my home, my safe haven, for the past two years. I desire to return to the place where much healing has taken place in my life these last two years. But I know I cannot go back, at least not right now. He has called me to a place here and now. He has said it would not be easy, but that I would not go alone.

I don't know why I am here. The only thing I know is that He has a plan and a purpose. He has me in the palm of His hand and I know that His plan is good. It's just that it's not my plan.

But, being in the valley is never my plan. But, I will walk through the valley if you want me to.