The last month or two at Mercy was spent searching for a host family. Doors shut left and right, leaving me unsure of where I would be going after graduation. In the midst of desperately needing an answer, a door opened: California. But I didn't see it as being a possibility, because I had my own agenda, and it didn't include moving to CA. But, God's agenda and mine don't always match. So, I resisted all the way up to giving an answer as to where I'd be going after graduation.
Even after deciding to move to CA and live with my friend and her family, who I visited with last summer, I still had doubts, as well as what I call, 'momentary freak-outs'. I wanted to be absolutely sure that CA was where God wanted me to go. I gave Him two things that had to happen for me to know that I was supposed to go to CA, and both of those things happened.
And yet, even after all of that, I'm still doubting.
It's a good thing God talks to us in ways we can understand. The other day, my friend and I were on our way to Newman, CA, and the directions we had told us that we would be on a particular road for 35 minutes before we reached the next turn. It seemed like sch a long time that we were traveling on that particular road and felt like we'd never reach the end. I began to doubt that we had gone the right way, despite following the directions. It didn't help that we seemed to be in the middle of nowhere.
It occurred to me that this is what happens to so many of Christ's followers. He leads them down a road and, despite having been directed to go that way, they begin to doubt His direction because the road seems to never end or appears to be in the middle of nowhere.
I realized that this is one of satan's tactics: to get us doubting so that we turn around and go a different way than God told us, getting ourselves lost and confused. But if we will continue on in the direction God told us to go, we will eventually reach our destination. He will never lead us astray.
My friend and I finally made it to the end of the road, and to our destination.
A few nights later when I was journaling, God brought this all back to me. I didn't see how it applied to me at the time He showed it to me, but as I wrote I did.
I was writing about some frustrations I was having about being here, as well as my doubts, when I was reminded of the things I asked God to do so that I would know CA was where I was supposed to be. I realized that God directed me to go down this road, so I obeyed. But along the way, doubt crept in. This path seems to be in the middle of nowhere. I'm not sure when it's going to end or how long I will be on it. But, if I will keep going in this direction He has led me, I know I will reach the end. I refuse to let satan talk me into turning around and going a different way. God will not lead me astray.
In the midst of all of this, the verse I'm holding fast to is Jeremiah 29:11. This verse has seemed so cliche to me more times than I care to admit. It's seemed like such a nice thought...but not right now. Right now it has so much meaning and truth, and to that I cling.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
Mercy
Six months and two weeks have gone by so fast.
Too fast.
But in those six months and two weeks, so much happened.
I walked through the doors of Mercy Ministries one hot mess. I was broken, confused, looking to people to fix me, bound by fear, angry. I was cutting, insecure, unsure of who I was, ashamed. I felt I was unworthy of everything, I took responsibility for things that weren't my fault. I hated myself, hated my body, had walls up to the sky and guards over my heart, and I felt like I would never get out of the darkness I was in.
But all that changed over the course of my journey at Mercy.
My life had not been easy. Some of the roots of my problems included rejection, abandonment, fear, unforgiveness, and abuse. My dad had custody and contact taken away when I was three because of sexual abuse, so I grew up not knowing him, but I was still afraid of him. I never really knew what happened, but I knew something bad had happened.
My sister (there are only two of us and I'm the oldest) needed a lot of attention and care from my mom, so I was on my own a lot, or dependent upon those around me (church family or my grandma or aunt and uncle). I took on a lot of things that weren't mine to take on.
As I got older, I dealt with bullies at school. They always teased me about my weight or clothes. I cried most days because I didn't want to go to school and face them again. The bullying didn't help my self-esteem, but lowered it, pretty much smashing it into the dirt.
I grew up in church, so I knew Jesus and God and the whole nine yards, but I didn't really know Jesus and God. I had a head knowledge and relationship with Him, but my heart was so guarded that not even Chuck Norris could have gotten in.
College was when things got worse for me. During those four years, I experienced same-sex attraction, cutting/self-injury, anorexia, and overexercising, the close of my campus and the transition to another. College was the time where it was very difficult not having a dad. I ended up meeting him for the first time in 18 years during my senior year. That led to a whole lot of other nasty. I dealt with memories, flashbacks, dissociation, body memories, and night terrors.
Before I graduated, I began applying to Mercy Ministries. I had heard about it through a friend months earlier, but decided it wasn't for me. But, in May, God brought it to mind. After I graduated, I bounced from home to a friend's house (four hours away) to my other friend's house (three hours from my home) just to avoid home. In July, a friend from my first college invited me to California to visit with her and her family. So, I went.
Four days after I arrived in CA, I received word that my cousin was killed in a car accident. I was devastated. She had been like my little sister, not to mention my friend. I decided that because of what I was dealing with and my family situation, it was best if I stayed in CA. I missed the funeral and burial. It made grieving difficult.
I walked through the doors of Mercy Ministries on November 15, 2011. To many people, it was crazy. To others, an answer to prayer.
But walking through those doors didn't bring ease and comfort. My time there was anything but. I fought, refused to surrender, tried to control everything, and drove myself nuts. I was a very negative person; negativity was my mask, my defense. But, God didn't let that hinder what He wanted to do in me.
One of my very first of many frustrations at Mercy was the fact that I had a choice. It made me so angry that I had a choice in something. Whether it was obeying a rule, praying about something, or whatever, it made me angry that I had a choice. But, after a while, I realized that my choice has power for positive or negative. When I realized that I had a choice and that it had power, I enjoyed the fact that I had a choice. I had never had one before. As a kid, my choice was taken away, and as an adult, it was do as someone told me or else. I never had a choice. But I have one now. And it is powerful. Very powerful.
I had so many revelations while I was at Mercy. I struggled with trust and the question of, 'Is God good?' One morning in the shower (that seems to be God's favorite place to talk to me), I realized that if I believe the Bible is true, then either all of it is true, or none of it is true. I don't get to pick and choose what is and isn't true. But that's what I had been doing. This was the beginning of trading in the lies for the truth.
I had always gone from person to person to person trying to find someone who could fix me. But I remained the same. My counselor at Mercy drove me nuts, but I'm so thankful for her. From day one, she wouldn't let me dwell on my issues or come to her only about things. She made me go to God. Because of that, I eventually realized that it doesn't matter who I go to, if I don't go to God, nothing in my life can change or get better. I used to get so mad at her when she would tell me to go pray through something on my own. I didn't understand. Didn't she need to be there? After this revelation, I realized that I'm not praying to her, but to God, so it doesn't matter if she's there or not. It's not like she could do anything for me, anyway. This was probably the most important lesson I learned at Mercy.
One of the first steps at Mercy is choosing to forgive. I had always had a hard time with this, but in the weeks that I was in this step, God gave me a picture that helped so much:
You know how you tie a balloon onto a kid's wrist so if she lets go of the string, it won't fly away? Well, that's how I saw forgiveness. I had so many balloons tied to my wrist, each one representing someone I needed to forgive. By choosing to forgive, I was cutting those strings and releasing them. Releasing them means that I am no longer holding onto them, but releasing them to God so that He can deal with them. I am no longer demanding repayment from those who hurt me. I am left with the strings around my wrist to decide what to do with. Above all, I am taking ownership of the hurt. It is now mine to choose what to do with. I can harbor it, or give God my wrist (my heart) to take the strings off one by one and heal the hurting and broken places.
Praying through the hurts in my life was not easy. I was in so much denial about the memories and flashbacks and things that I was dealing with that I had no idea what was real and what wasn't. It was hard to say those things out loud that were so shameful and demoralizing. But, I did it. Even after I prayed through things, I still wrestled with the reality of it. I eventually had to write out a statement/permission slip for myself so that I could get past it. My permission slip said that I didn't know if the sexual abuse happened or not, but God did, but that my body, mind, and emotions felt like it did. So, I gave myself permission to feel the emotions and deal with it/grieve it and allow Jesus to come in and heal what was broken.
After I wrote that out and a few days had passed, I realized that the memories, flashbacks, and other things had stopped. My mind was clear and free to think about other things for the first time in over a year. By praying through the hurts in my life and inviting Jesus into those places to bring His healing, I have experienced so much freedom. Life is totally different than it was six months and two weeks ago!
I had always hated myself for many reasons. But at Mercy, I learned to love myself. I learned that I have infinite value and worth. I know now that I am beautiful. Six months ago, if you would have told me I was beautiful, or if you gave me a compliment, I would have thrown it back at you or rejected it because I didn't see it. But I see it now. I am beautiful! It doesn't matter what the world says or even what you say. My Father, the King of kings, declares that I am beautiful. Who am I to argue with Him?
Whenever I made a mistake, I berated myself. I called myself 'stupid' and 'dumb'. At Mercy, though, I learned that mistakes are okay. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes, most of which are no big deal. But, because of people in my life, when I made a mistake, it was the end of the world. But I know now that they are okay, and Jesus loves me despite them.
God became so real to me while at Mercy. I had a counselor once who would ask me if I thought Jesus was with me or if I thought He wanted to be with me. I always said no. But this changed one morning during worship. I think my cousin's birthday was coming up, the one that passed away, and I knew it was going to be a tough day. We always had worship before class in the morning, and this morning was no different. But, it was. On this particular morning, I heard God say that He is with me and He wants to be with me. I chose to believe Him. This has forever changed how I worship, how I respond to God, how I think about Him...everything! He is real! I no longer have a head knowledge or relationship with Him, but it is all heart. I know He is with me. Period.
Last summer, my relationship with my mom took a nosedive. I had some things I needed to confront her with, but was afraid to do it for fear of hurting her. While at Mercy, I was able to talk to her about some things and work on setting boundaries (with her and myself). Our relationship is so much better than it was last year. I am grateful to God for the work He is doing in her and in our relationship. It can only get stronger as God continues to pursue her and work in both of our lives.
I had to grieve a lot of things at Mercy, my cousin being one of them. For a while, I was very shut off from those emotions. But, as I allowed myself to open up to them, they flowed out. I learned that emotions are not bad, because God created me with them, but that I need to allow God into them so that I don't get stuck. Grieving was one of the hardest parts of my journey.
One last thing I had to learn at Mercy was to live my life. It seems like such an easy one, but it's not. I have spent so much of my life in pause mode, trying to deal with issue after issue after issue. But, life doesn't stop when I have an issue. God showed it to me like this:
I love to drive. If I could drive and never arrive at a destination, I'd be okay with that. But, living my life is a little like driving. Let's say an issue is the same as a thunder storm, or a red light, or heavy traffic. When you come across one of those while driving, you don't stop for a long period of time. You stop for a red light, and maybe for heavy traffic, but you slow down most of the time. I can't always stop for a long period of time in my life. I have to keep going; keep driving. And I need to let myself enjoy the ride. The lesson I learned through this is that I need to live my life, and when an issue comes up, deal with it then, but then keep going.
I had spent so much of my life trying to deal with all of my issues right at that time. But that's impossible. I was putting life on hold. This was a great last lesson for me to learn. Another one was that it's okay to be okay. For so long, I was afraid to be okay because when I wasn't okay, I got attention from people. But, I'm coming to realize that people are still going to be there and they are still going to love me even when I don't have an issue. I just have to learn how to have relationships with people that aren't based on my issues. That's my current task.
I may have graduated from Mercy, but I am still a work in progress. Who isn't? But, God has done an incredible work in me. He has healed some major wounds and filled me with His Spirit and with joy and peace. My mind has not been this free in a very long time. Self-injury is no longer an option for me. I have a choice in matters like that. I am walking in trust in a God who is good, infinitely good, faithful, loving, merciful, kind, and Who redeems those who are in the pit. Things between my dad and I are still not resolved, and might not be. But I know that I have a loving Father who is better than any earthly father.
And I know that He's got me. I am in the palm of His hand, and at times in the grip of His loving mercy. And I'm so thankful for it.
Too fast.
But in those six months and two weeks, so much happened.
I walked through the doors of Mercy Ministries one hot mess. I was broken, confused, looking to people to fix me, bound by fear, angry. I was cutting, insecure, unsure of who I was, ashamed. I felt I was unworthy of everything, I took responsibility for things that weren't my fault. I hated myself, hated my body, had walls up to the sky and guards over my heart, and I felt like I would never get out of the darkness I was in.
But all that changed over the course of my journey at Mercy.
My life had not been easy. Some of the roots of my problems included rejection, abandonment, fear, unforgiveness, and abuse. My dad had custody and contact taken away when I was three because of sexual abuse, so I grew up not knowing him, but I was still afraid of him. I never really knew what happened, but I knew something bad had happened.
My sister (there are only two of us and I'm the oldest) needed a lot of attention and care from my mom, so I was on my own a lot, or dependent upon those around me (church family or my grandma or aunt and uncle). I took on a lot of things that weren't mine to take on.
As I got older, I dealt with bullies at school. They always teased me about my weight or clothes. I cried most days because I didn't want to go to school and face them again. The bullying didn't help my self-esteem, but lowered it, pretty much smashing it into the dirt.
I grew up in church, so I knew Jesus and God and the whole nine yards, but I didn't really know Jesus and God. I had a head knowledge and relationship with Him, but my heart was so guarded that not even Chuck Norris could have gotten in.
College was when things got worse for me. During those four years, I experienced same-sex attraction, cutting/self-injury, anorexia, and overexercising, the close of my campus and the transition to another. College was the time where it was very difficult not having a dad. I ended up meeting him for the first time in 18 years during my senior year. That led to a whole lot of other nasty. I dealt with memories, flashbacks, dissociation, body memories, and night terrors.
Before I graduated, I began applying to Mercy Ministries. I had heard about it through a friend months earlier, but decided it wasn't for me. But, in May, God brought it to mind. After I graduated, I bounced from home to a friend's house (four hours away) to my other friend's house (three hours from my home) just to avoid home. In July, a friend from my first college invited me to California to visit with her and her family. So, I went.
Four days after I arrived in CA, I received word that my cousin was killed in a car accident. I was devastated. She had been like my little sister, not to mention my friend. I decided that because of what I was dealing with and my family situation, it was best if I stayed in CA. I missed the funeral and burial. It made grieving difficult.
I walked through the doors of Mercy Ministries on November 15, 2011. To many people, it was crazy. To others, an answer to prayer.
But walking through those doors didn't bring ease and comfort. My time there was anything but. I fought, refused to surrender, tried to control everything, and drove myself nuts. I was a very negative person; negativity was my mask, my defense. But, God didn't let that hinder what He wanted to do in me.
One of my very first of many frustrations at Mercy was the fact that I had a choice. It made me so angry that I had a choice in something. Whether it was obeying a rule, praying about something, or whatever, it made me angry that I had a choice. But, after a while, I realized that my choice has power for positive or negative. When I realized that I had a choice and that it had power, I enjoyed the fact that I had a choice. I had never had one before. As a kid, my choice was taken away, and as an adult, it was do as someone told me or else. I never had a choice. But I have one now. And it is powerful. Very powerful.
I had so many revelations while I was at Mercy. I struggled with trust and the question of, 'Is God good?' One morning in the shower (that seems to be God's favorite place to talk to me), I realized that if I believe the Bible is true, then either all of it is true, or none of it is true. I don't get to pick and choose what is and isn't true. But that's what I had been doing. This was the beginning of trading in the lies for the truth.
I had always gone from person to person to person trying to find someone who could fix me. But I remained the same. My counselor at Mercy drove me nuts, but I'm so thankful for her. From day one, she wouldn't let me dwell on my issues or come to her only about things. She made me go to God. Because of that, I eventually realized that it doesn't matter who I go to, if I don't go to God, nothing in my life can change or get better. I used to get so mad at her when she would tell me to go pray through something on my own. I didn't understand. Didn't she need to be there? After this revelation, I realized that I'm not praying to her, but to God, so it doesn't matter if she's there or not. It's not like she could do anything for me, anyway. This was probably the most important lesson I learned at Mercy.
One of the first steps at Mercy is choosing to forgive. I had always had a hard time with this, but in the weeks that I was in this step, God gave me a picture that helped so much:
You know how you tie a balloon onto a kid's wrist so if she lets go of the string, it won't fly away? Well, that's how I saw forgiveness. I had so many balloons tied to my wrist, each one representing someone I needed to forgive. By choosing to forgive, I was cutting those strings and releasing them. Releasing them means that I am no longer holding onto them, but releasing them to God so that He can deal with them. I am no longer demanding repayment from those who hurt me. I am left with the strings around my wrist to decide what to do with. Above all, I am taking ownership of the hurt. It is now mine to choose what to do with. I can harbor it, or give God my wrist (my heart) to take the strings off one by one and heal the hurting and broken places.
Praying through the hurts in my life was not easy. I was in so much denial about the memories and flashbacks and things that I was dealing with that I had no idea what was real and what wasn't. It was hard to say those things out loud that were so shameful and demoralizing. But, I did it. Even after I prayed through things, I still wrestled with the reality of it. I eventually had to write out a statement/permission slip for myself so that I could get past it. My permission slip said that I didn't know if the sexual abuse happened or not, but God did, but that my body, mind, and emotions felt like it did. So, I gave myself permission to feel the emotions and deal with it/grieve it and allow Jesus to come in and heal what was broken.
After I wrote that out and a few days had passed, I realized that the memories, flashbacks, and other things had stopped. My mind was clear and free to think about other things for the first time in over a year. By praying through the hurts in my life and inviting Jesus into those places to bring His healing, I have experienced so much freedom. Life is totally different than it was six months and two weeks ago!
I had always hated myself for many reasons. But at Mercy, I learned to love myself. I learned that I have infinite value and worth. I know now that I am beautiful. Six months ago, if you would have told me I was beautiful, or if you gave me a compliment, I would have thrown it back at you or rejected it because I didn't see it. But I see it now. I am beautiful! It doesn't matter what the world says or even what you say. My Father, the King of kings, declares that I am beautiful. Who am I to argue with Him?
Whenever I made a mistake, I berated myself. I called myself 'stupid' and 'dumb'. At Mercy, though, I learned that mistakes are okay. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes, most of which are no big deal. But, because of people in my life, when I made a mistake, it was the end of the world. But I know now that they are okay, and Jesus loves me despite them.
God became so real to me while at Mercy. I had a counselor once who would ask me if I thought Jesus was with me or if I thought He wanted to be with me. I always said no. But this changed one morning during worship. I think my cousin's birthday was coming up, the one that passed away, and I knew it was going to be a tough day. We always had worship before class in the morning, and this morning was no different. But, it was. On this particular morning, I heard God say that He is with me and He wants to be with me. I chose to believe Him. This has forever changed how I worship, how I respond to God, how I think about Him...everything! He is real! I no longer have a head knowledge or relationship with Him, but it is all heart. I know He is with me. Period.
Last summer, my relationship with my mom took a nosedive. I had some things I needed to confront her with, but was afraid to do it for fear of hurting her. While at Mercy, I was able to talk to her about some things and work on setting boundaries (with her and myself). Our relationship is so much better than it was last year. I am grateful to God for the work He is doing in her and in our relationship. It can only get stronger as God continues to pursue her and work in both of our lives.
I had to grieve a lot of things at Mercy, my cousin being one of them. For a while, I was very shut off from those emotions. But, as I allowed myself to open up to them, they flowed out. I learned that emotions are not bad, because God created me with them, but that I need to allow God into them so that I don't get stuck. Grieving was one of the hardest parts of my journey.
One last thing I had to learn at Mercy was to live my life. It seems like such an easy one, but it's not. I have spent so much of my life in pause mode, trying to deal with issue after issue after issue. But, life doesn't stop when I have an issue. God showed it to me like this:
I love to drive. If I could drive and never arrive at a destination, I'd be okay with that. But, living my life is a little like driving. Let's say an issue is the same as a thunder storm, or a red light, or heavy traffic. When you come across one of those while driving, you don't stop for a long period of time. You stop for a red light, and maybe for heavy traffic, but you slow down most of the time. I can't always stop for a long period of time in my life. I have to keep going; keep driving. And I need to let myself enjoy the ride. The lesson I learned through this is that I need to live my life, and when an issue comes up, deal with it then, but then keep going.
I had spent so much of my life trying to deal with all of my issues right at that time. But that's impossible. I was putting life on hold. This was a great last lesson for me to learn. Another one was that it's okay to be okay. For so long, I was afraid to be okay because when I wasn't okay, I got attention from people. But, I'm coming to realize that people are still going to be there and they are still going to love me even when I don't have an issue. I just have to learn how to have relationships with people that aren't based on my issues. That's my current task.
I may have graduated from Mercy, but I am still a work in progress. Who isn't? But, God has done an incredible work in me. He has healed some major wounds and filled me with His Spirit and with joy and peace. My mind has not been this free in a very long time. Self-injury is no longer an option for me. I have a choice in matters like that. I am walking in trust in a God who is good, infinitely good, faithful, loving, merciful, kind, and Who redeems those who are in the pit. Things between my dad and I are still not resolved, and might not be. But I know that I have a loving Father who is better than any earthly father.
And I know that He's got me. I am in the palm of His hand, and at times in the grip of His loving mercy. And I'm so thankful for it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)