God is so good. Just these last few weeks I wanted to walk away. I was there, on the edge of walking away. I was done. I was tired and I didn't want to fight anymore. I was throwing in the towel and quitting. It was the end.
But one desperate prayer changed everything.
This week is Spiritual Renewal week at our college campus. I went to Vespers Sunday night to pray in preparation for this week. One thing I prayed for was that God would show Himself to me in a real way this week. I needed Him to show me He was real, or I was going to walk away, because of all my doubt.
And in the midst of everything, God showed up.
He showed up in such a real way that I cannot deny His existence. We were getting ready to leave the chapel on Monday night after the service when someone jumped on stage and asked us to stay, saying he was going to show us something beautiful.
And beautiful it was.
He started confessing sin to us. Then, one after another, people began to line up, confessing their sin, failures, and struggles. We were transparent before one another, and God showed up in the midst of our confession.
All the while this is going on, I am sitting in my seat: a war going on between heaven and hell for me. It was so intense I wanted to run. I wanted to run far away and not be there.
But, I had to stay.
At one point in the midst of my struggle, I could see myself jumping over the chairs in front of me and running. But, I had to stay. I had to share. I wanted liberty, and I knew that liberty would come in confession. I wanted a change, and I felt that maybe, just maybe, this would be the turning point for me.
And it was.
I heard a girl at the stage ask for all who struggle with sexual sin to go to the front to pray. A herd of girls made their way to the front, myself included. We prayed, and with the conclusion of the prayer, I decided to stay. I was there, so I might as well stayed there. If I would have gone back to my seat, I probably would have run.
When the microphone finally got to me, the band started singing. I wanted to run. I had to force myself to stand there: to stay. The mic got taken from me twice, because I wasn't using it, but holding it in my hand, not sure when to speak. It got quiet, and the mic was handed back to me.
I began to share how I am afraid and doubting. I thanked someone who had shared earlier that they had been sexually abused, and then shared that I also had been sexually abused by my dad when I was three. I shared that, because of that experience, trusting men and relationships with them are terrifying for me. And because of this, I shared that I struggle with homosexual thoughts. I wanted to ask if anyone else did, but I was afraid I would get silence. So, I shared how lonely I feel.
At this time, God stepped in and showed me I was not alone. A girl in the middle of the sanctuary raised her hand. Then, she got up and ran to me. As we stood there, embracing each other, I was so relieved that I was not alone anymore. Then, another girl got up and came to me. She asked if she could pray for me and I said yes. She then asked for all the girls who had been sexually abused to come forward.
I was not alone. There were several in the room. As I looked at them, I wanted to take them into my arms and cry with them. We share pain and heartache, and it is so good to know that we are not alone.
Since that night, God has continued to work. He is calling me, and I want to answer. I want to be obedient to His Spirit. I want to walk in obedience to His Spirit. I want to be real.
I feel like I am stepping out, blind. I have no idea where this is coming from, because I don't trust, I don't step out, but I'm doing it. I also know He is calling me to let my guards down. I am letting the brick walls crumble, letting the guards down, and taking the shields away from my heart so that He can pierce me. In doing this, I am letting Him love me. And I am thanking Him for His love, even though I may not feel it yet. I know that if I accept it and thank Him for it, I will allow Him to love me.
I have had several people come to me, showing me the effect of my obedience.
And it all took only one step. I was believing the lie for the past few weeks that I only had to take many steps to get to God, but only one step away from Him. I was believing wrong! I only had to take ONE step TOWARD Him, and He ran to me!!!! When I took that one step, He ran to me and embraced me in His open arms! God, you are soo good!!!!!
I am ready. I am ready to walk into this hard stuff. The darkness has lifted, and now there is light that drowns out the darkness! I am going to be obedient, walking through this healing, including the hard stuff, so that He can use me. It's time. It's time I stop running and just do it!
It's time. I'm taking the step. "Let's go, God. Walk with me through this, carrying me when necessary. I'm going to trust you, even though I'm afraid. Help me keep my eyes on you and not on my fear or the waves around me."
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