I keep running. I run this way and that, trying to escape. He tries to make me believe this one lie. But I can't, because I know him for what he is: a Liar. He keeps telling me this one thing, and even goes as far as putting thoughts into my head and visions into my mind's eye. But I cannot give in. I keep running. But I can't get away.
There is a battle for my mind: a battle for me. I know who wages it, and who fights against it. But what can I do? I am standing strong. I am resisting the very thing that would be my ruin. I know that God has great plans for me, and that the enemy would try to destroy them. That is what he is doing.
"Come back to me!" The enemy of my soul calls. Will he never stop?
"No!" I yell. I keep running. When will the chase end?
I don't want to give in to this thing the enemy has for me. I can see it, and I can see how easy it would be to slip into it. I see it every time it comes. I saw it the first time, and I can see it now. But, I can't. I don't want to! It's not me! That's not who I am! It's not who I want to be. It's not what I want to be.
But I feel like there is almost no choice. No way out. No escape. I'm in this battle, and there is no way out.
Unless my Prince Charming comes. And I know He will. But, when? When will He come and rescue me? I cry out, but hear no reply. The tears are falling, the battle is raging, and yet, no Prince Charming. When will He come?
Prince Charming always comes when the Princess least expects Him. In the midst of her distress, He comes, riding on the white horse to rescue her because He has heard her calling.
But, until my Prince Charming comes, I fight this battle alone. It is a shameful battle, too shameful to ask for help. What can I do? Who can I talk to? I want to win. I cannot lose. To lose will mean to lose everything He has for me. It will mean to lose the Prince, for I will have compromised everything He stands for that I believe in and have stood for ever since I had some sort of understanding.
My heart cries out in anguish. My jaw clenches in anger. My face twists in fear. My heart rises within me in pain.
What will I do? How can I win this battle?
Mindy,
ReplyDeleteWhile I know there are times that are hard and times that are lonely, I hope you realize that you will NEVER win this battle ... the battle has ALREADY been won.
One of the things I dealt with my freshman year at TU was realizing that I blamed myself for not being able to fix certain things or save certain friends of mine - I saw their sin as my sin, since I had failed in saving them. But God showed me that I never did save them, and I never will ... only He has the power to save. He may use us in that process, but it's His fight, not ours. And when He works, He always succeeds.
As for feeling alone or as if you may "lose the Prince," I would point you to Romans 28:38-39. Nothing in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord - not even our own shortcomings.
If you ever need a reminder of this, however, you are always free to call me; you already have my number. We should coffee date sometime, since you have something to drive. :)
Thanks, Hannah. Yeah, we should coffee date. How about sometime this week? Maybe after dinner or something?
ReplyDeleteMindy, in that book I told you about, Beth Moore talks exactly about this... about how Satan uses your past and lies about your present to get you to think wrongly of yourself. You know God forgives, you just need to give your conscience to Him for cleaning. It's good to remember, but we can't let our sins or our battles keep us from trusting God.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's good that you recognize the enemy's call. It's a warning sign that you need to heed. Go to God, He'll help you continue to say no to Satan and yes to God.
And don't think that there's no way out. God tells us that there is always a way out. Don't think that a prince charming will make everything better. It may help, but only God can completely heal. Maybe once you deal with your feelings God will provide the prince charming you desire. Ask, and He will answer. Allow Him to be your prince charming.
Mindy, remember that you can always talk to me about anything. Or you can find someone else. One of the things God has been putting on my heart lately is to trust my trouble to someone else, to God, but also to a Christian friend. I don't know who that friend will be, but I do know that I need to go back to church, back to God, that I need to once again become a part of the community of God.