No More

Why is it that every time we think we can't handle anymore, God says we can? I mean, I feel like I have reached my limit in what I can handle. I am dealing with so much right now. And then today happens. I get a text message from my mom. Okay, so getting a text message from your mom shouldn't be a bad thing, but today it was. Her boyfriend was having surgery today to remove a tumor and make sure it wasn't cancerous.

Well, it is.

I have no idea what to do, think, or feel. I mean, I feel bad because no one should have to go through cancer no matter who they are or where they come from or no matter what sins they are committing. So, the only reason I have no idea what to do, think, or feel is because 1) my mom and he are not in a right relationship and telling me and my sister to wait until marriage. He stays the night at my house and because of my past, I'm not comfortable with it. 2) I didn't want to try to get to know him because I felt he had, first of all, taken my place in the family and I didn't know where or how I fit in anymore, and second, I didn't want to get to know him or have a relationship with him because that is what I want with my dad. I didn't want him to have the place my dad should have.

But, this time around when I was visiting home, I was trying. I actually tried to get to know him. He respects me and my mom and sister, which no man my mom has married/dated has ever respected me/us. My mom is so deep into this relationship, as they have been dating a little over a year now, and is afraid. I don't want anything to happen to him because I don't want to see my mom go into a deep depression. I also don't want to become the adult/caretaker for my mom once again, as I have been my whole life. I don't want that role anymore/again.

I also am afraid because I don't know how this(if anything happens to him) is going to affect/effect my sister and me. I feel like she is going to, once again, focus all her attentions on him and not on her kids.

I just don't understand why this is happening. God, what am I supposed to learn from this? What haven't I learned from all the other stuff in my life that has happened that you want me to learn from this? Where are you in all of this? I know I'm not alone, but I feel it.

I just don't know how I can handle much more. I want no more. But, I'm sure you wanted no more when your Son was on the cross. Give me your strength to be able to get through all this stuff. I can't do it alone.