Father/Daughter

I was with some friends this weekend and they were talking about a father/daughter canoe trip that is coming up for their church. I felt some sadness as they were talking about it, but tried not to let it get to me.

A little bit later, I was having some reflection time and was thinking about how I wish I could go on a trip like this with my dad. After 18 years of no contact, I'm just now getting to know my earthly dad through writing letters and sending pictures. I'm sad that he missed out on so much and there were never any father/daughter events.

But, God was trying to point something out to me. I'm not sure if I've ever felt this before, but what He was trying to point out was so comforting. It was like I was just engulfed in peace and it felt so good.

He pointed out to me that He and I don't have to go on special father/daughter trips, although they would be nice. He is with me all the time as my Heavenly Father. He is my Papa God and I don't have to write Him a letter, call Him on the phone, or anything like that. All I have to do is whisper His name and He is right there. He is truly better than any earthly father could be.

So, while I may not get to do any special father/daughter things, my Dad is with me all the time. He never leaves me. I can take Him with me everywhere, and I do.

And, I really can do special things with Him. I can have dates with Him, go for walks, or do whatever because He is always with me. And one day, I will be with Him forever, with no separation to be dreaded. I am going to sit on His lap for all of eternity and talk to Him and enjoy His presence, like I do now.

The only difference is I will be able to feel Him then. We will dance together, swing together, laugh together, go puddle jumping, pour out the rain, and do all sorts of crazy things at my mansion together!!!! That's going to be the best Father/daughter event ever!!!!

"I'll be your best friend"

How many times have we heard this or even said this phrase, "I'll be your best friend"? Usually, it's said when one person is trying to bribe another, usually among children. I think it's funny how, if they don't get what they are after, the child will take back their offer of best friendship.

I was in the car on the way back from camping with a family from my church when I tuned into the conversation going on in the back between a 5 year old and a 13 year old. The 5 year old was trying to get the older girl to do something, but she was refusing. So, to try and bribe her, she used the, "I'll be your best friend" gimmick. When the older girl said no, she said, "Fine. Then I won't."

I had to laugh, because how many times did I try this when I was a kid? I'm sure God was laughing right along with me, but He was also speaking to me.

He reminded me that He has an offer of best friendship on the table, but it is there for my taking no matter what I do or don't do. He will never take it back. He's holding out His hands, offering a friendship that is more than any earthly one. It doesn't have any contract attached to it, and it's not a bribe. All He wants is you. Honestly.

When He says, "I'll be your best friend," He means it. All you have to do is accept.

Darkness.
Stench of stale urine.
Hunger.
Addiction.
Fear.
Lost.
Dirty.
Homeless.

These are things I encountered tonight as I walked the streets of downtown Fort Wayne. I was with a group from my church, handing out water, juice, burritos, and crackers.

I met John, Jeremy, and Markus at a park. They were sitting on a bench, along with their belongings. One of them had a pair of shorts hanging over the bench.

I met Daniel and Greg while they were sitting on a porch at a church. There was a look in their eyes that I can't really describe. Was it thanks? Hopelessness? Fear? Shame?

I met another John in the darkness of a train viaduct. He was sitting under it in the very back corner. The stench of stale urine was overwhelming. I could tell many people lived there, because their belongings were there, lined up around the edges. It was like apartments, but without the walls. I prayed for John and we were on our way.

It happened to be the Three Rivers Festival. There were so many people walking the streets, completely oblivious to the fact that there were homeless right in their vicinity. They were oblivious, as I had once been. They were carrying on in their drunken merriment like there was no care in the world; like there was nothing wrong with the world.

But, there is. There are many things wrong with the world.

Like the reality that there are real people with names, hearts, lungs, stomachs, minds, backgrounds, feelings, and more than likely, families.

After last night, I find myself today wondering about those I met. Did they make it through the night? And if they did, what did they do today? Did they get to eat? Did any of them decide to change? Throw off their addictions? Did any of them get help? Accept Christ?

I hope to one day see these men again. Maybe in Heaven or maybe still on this side of Heaven, but no longer homeless and addicted. I am glad to have been able to be a part of their lives, even for a few minutes.

After this experience, I am reminded of Matthew 25, and that I am to be the hands and feet of Jesus. If I don't go, who will? Who will be the hands and feet that I was supposed to be? Not only am I being His hands and feet, but I am serving Him.

It says in Matthew 25:35, "For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

³⁷"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

⁴⁰"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

⁴¹"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ⁴²For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, ⁴³I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

⁴⁴"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

⁴⁵"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'"

Your Nature is Beautiful

I was on my way home tonight from woman's Bible study, driving along a country road, and it was like God was showing off His creation. The first thing I saw was a rabbit in the middle of the road. I slowed down so not to hit it and watched as it scurried off to the right. Then, a little farther down, I saw a deer standing in the middle of a cornfield on the right side of the road. I stopped to stare for a few minutes, and watched as he wagged his tail, and then moved on. A little farther down and I saw a family of rabbits off to the left side of the road. There were a few big ones and a couple little ones. They scurried into the bushes as I slowed and then passed. I was nearing the top of a big hill when I decided to take it slow, just to be safe. I got to the top of the hill and to the next small hill and there, in the other lane, stood a deer. I slowed even more and it ran into the woods on the left side of the road. As I was passing the woods, I was just so amazed at all that I had just seen of God's creation. Not only this, but the sunset was beautiful. I told God, "Your nature is just so beautiful!"

And then it came to me.

'Your nature is beautiful.'

I laughed. 'Nature' meaning 'character...temperament...being consistent with nature'. I love it when God talks to me!

As I was driving, I began talking to Him. I realized that He is as strong as a horse. He is as fierce as a lion. He is as tender as a sheep. He is as quick as a deer. He is as wild as a tiger. He is as swift as an eagle. He is as beautiful as the sunsets and sunrises He paints. He is as protective as a mother bear. The list could go on and on.

He is as His nature is. His nature is as He is.

What a God we serve!

Time to Fly

I was walking my bike back from Bible study last night because it was too dark to ride. My friend was walking me back because of the late hour and we were having a good conversation. I was distracted, however, when I felt something brush against my arm. I thought it might have been a moth or a butterfly's wing, but it wasn't. I looked down at my arm and saw the craziest thing on the right handlebar of my bike: a baby robin.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing! There, right by my right hand on my handlebar, sat a baby robin. I said something to my friend and he let out a shriek, totally taken by surprise as I was. I had no idea what to do! I mean, it just sat there. It even looked like it was at peace right there on my bike. I had to show someone besides my friend.

As we walked the bike back to the chapel we had just left, the robin continued to sit there. We got to the chapel and my friend went in and told the others who were still there. They came out and saw what none of us could believe.

One of my good friends was visiting and we had just got done talking of what God has been doing in my life before I left the first time. She came down the steps and said that she needed to apologize to me. I didn't understand. She said that when she was talking to me, she heard God saying He had something to say to me about birds.

Crazy, I know. She thought the same thing.

She told me that she felt God was saying that before, when I looked out of the nest, what was ahead seemed scary. But now, God has taught me how to fly and I know the joy of being in His love and plans.

It made sense to me. When the old me saw things that were coming, she was afraid.

A while back, I was talking to my roommate. I found out that a couple of people that I looked to for wisdom, truth, and help were not going to be in my life this next year. God was moving them on. The old me would have panicked at this. But the new me, however, was calm. I felt God's soothing voice saying that it was going to be okay; that I was going to be okay. I felt Him saying that it was time to fly with the wings and soar with the freedom He's given me.

All I know is that my God is awesome and it's time to fly!

I am like this precious baby bird that He has taught how to fly.

Consider it Joy

I have always thought that people were crazy when they said to be joyful about the hard times. I didn't understand. How was I supposed to be happy about the really crummy things that have happened and/or were happening?

But, I have come to understand that if some of the things that have happened in my life never would have happened, I wouldn't be where or who I am today.

This goes back to what I was saying about thanking Him for the storms. They are the things that have shaped me into the woman I am today.

If Adam and Eve wouldn't have fallen, would we be here today?

If God had been selfish, instead of giving up His Son to die for us, would we have life?

If Jesus had refused to go through with his crucifixion, would we be the ones dying on crosses?

If my dad would not have abused me and would have been in my life, I wouldn't be able to help others and I wouldn't know God as Father like I do.

If the school I was at for my first two years of college would not have closed, would I have met the people who have had an impact in my life this last year? Would I be where I am today spiritually and emotionally?

If the situation in November would not have happened, and I didn't go through that darkness, would I be free today? What about healed...whole...new...alive?

See, it's the dark times that make the light possible. If we are always in the light, we cannot see the light apart from the light. But, when we are in the dark, we can clearly see the light. It penetrates our darkness.

In the NIV, James admonishes us to "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

The NLT reads: "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."

My hope is that when I fall into the next dark time, I will look back at this and remember, then consider my current trial pure joy, for I know the reward at the end.

Thank You for the Storm

You might remember reading about the deep darkness I was in from November to the beginning of February. If not, let me give a short summary of those months.

In November, I was honest with someone, only wanting to get help for myself. It ruined my relationship with this person and brought confusion, shame, anger, and pain to me. I did not understand why it was happening. I ended up in a deep darkness and depression, cutting and struggling with suicidal thoughts spanning from November to February. I thought I'd never make it out of the storm alive. But, God shook Heaven and Earth for me on February 7th and changed my life forever.

After talking with my friend tonight, on the drive home I found myself thanking and praising God for this storm I went through. I thanked Him for the darkness and for everything I went through.

Why?

Because if it weren't for the storm, I wouldn't be free or be where I am today.

I am convinced that if the situation with this person would not have happened, I would not have met another person who has had a big impact in my life. She has helped me in finding healing, wholeness, and freedom, simply by telling me of our common bond. I thank God for her, and if it weren't for the situation in November, we never would have met.

If it weren't for what happened to me as a child, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. I wouldn't know God the way I do. I wouldn't be able to help other people, either.

If it weren't for what I endured in those months, I wouldn't have a testimony. Sure, I'd be able to say that I've survived abuse and that is a great testimony, but I wouldn't be free. I wouldn't have faced the things that needed to be brought to the surface and dealt with.

If it weren't for those months, I don't think I would know the strength I have. I wouldn't know the beautiful woman of God I really am, because I would have continued believing the lies that told me otherwise.

It's difficult to explain in words what I am feeling. All I know is that if it weren't for that storm, I wouldn't be where I am today: free, whole, new, complete, joyous, redeemed, alive.

So thank you! Thank you, God, for the storm.

These Scars

Finally free, all I wanted was for these scars to go away. Their shame was tempting to give into at times. I just wanted them to go away.

Faintly there, only I can see them, I'm sure. But, they bothered me. They were a reminder of what I had done.

Not until my friend told me a story did my perspective change.

She told me that she had a friend who had cut. She prayed that the scars would go away, but they didn't. When she saw that they weren't going away, she began to change how she saw them. She saw them as a tangible reminder of what God had done and how He had redeemed her. She saw them as a celebratory thing, instead of a sorrowful, shameful thing.

A while back, I was talking to my roommate, saying that it bothered me when I saw my faint scars. She told me to think about what I wanted to remember about God when I saw them.

I had not come up with anything until I heard this story from my friend.

These scars are a tangible testimony, my testimony, of where God has brought me from and what He has brought me out of. They are a testimony of deliverance, freedom, redemption, healing, and of a divine love that no one can understand.

When I see these scars from now on, I will let out a prayer of thanksgiving and praise. These scars will be my testimony and I will not be ashamed of them. When I see them, I will celebrate because my God loves me.

Safest Place

I was watching this little baby sleep tonight while I was at IHOP Fort Wayne. He looked so peaceful!
A few minutes after I got there, he awoke and began to cry, almost as if he had had a bad dream. I watched as the woman who was holding him gave him to this man who came right as he heard the child crying. He took the baby and held him in his arms, and as soon as he did, the baby stopped crying.

I couldn't stop looking at this scene, as God was talking to me as it unfolded. I had to snap a picture to remember it and what God was saying to me.

He told me that just as this earthly father heard his child cry and was immediately there, so is our Heavenly Father. He picks us up and holds us, and we are safe. He sings to us, His soothing voice calming our fears, bringing peace even in the midst of confusion.

Earlier this spring, I heard a girl say that the she felt the safest in her dad's arms. I was envious, because I have never known my father's arms. But, over the months, I have gotten to know God as Daddy. He is my Papa God. I know that He does all of these things an earthly father does.

And I now understand what that girl meant.

My Daddy's arms are the safest place to be.

Pure(ify)

I want to be pure.

Soap. White. Cleanse. Purify.
But they're not pure.

My hands are dirty, no matter how much I wash them, gloving them in a white lather.

What do I want from you?

I want you to purify them. Not just with soap and water, but with your grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love.

Get rid of the smell of death from them, because in these moments, it's all they're really bringing.
the satisfaction is only temporary.

Cleanse me! Purify my hands; purify my hands with more than soap and water.

Because in the end, they're still BLACK like death.