Learning to dive: Learning to trust

I'm 22 years old and just learned to dive.

I've always been afraid to dive, so I never did. I also never had anyone to teach me... until this summer, anyway. While in CA, I had the opportunity to visit a family (Betsy and Ron) that used to go to my church in IN when I was a little girl. I knew them for about 4 years before they moved to CA. It was great being able to stay with them and visit. One afternoon when Betsy and I were swimming, she asked me if I knew how to dive. I said that no, I don't know how to dive, and that I was afraid to. She said she would teach me and that I didn't need to be afraid. She showed me a few times and then encouraged me to do it. I stood at the edge of the pool in the diving stance, looking pensively at the water. I kept expressing my fear, but each time Betsy was encouraging, saying things like, "You can do it." and "I won't let anything happen to you. I promise." As I took the diving position once again, I still felt fear, despite her promise. I just couldn't do it on my own.

Betsy got out of the pool and came to my side. She said she would do it with me, so we took our position and Betsy counted us off. "1, 2, 3!" The next thing I knew, I was coming up from the water with a smile on my face. I did it. I dove into the water for the very first time. I was so proud of myself.

This came to my mind earlier this evening as I was thinking about how I really need to trust God right now. God usually explains things to me using experiences I've had or any number of other things, putting them into analogies. He used learning to dive as an analogy to trusting Him.

When Betsy was teaching me how to dive, I felt very fearful, despite my desire to learn. But, after the first dive, I did it over and over again. With each dive, my fear and anxiety diminished little by little and my joy and excitement grew and grew. Now, I love diving! It's the same with God. He says I can trust Him and promises He won't let anything happen to me. When I put my trust in Him the first few times, I'm going to experience fear and anxiety, and that is okay. But, as I trust Him over and over again, finding Him to be true to His promise, my joy is going to grow and my fear will dissipate. Soon, I will have such a joy in trusting God that I won't hesitate to, just like I have no hesitation in diving.

For the moments I feel faint

You know those moments where you sort of panic and get a sinking feeling in your stomach because you think of something that you were supposed to do that was really important and you might not have done it, but then remember you did do it? That sinking feeling you get in your stomach is also there in the moments where you panic because you think about the future and how you have no idea what it looks like and how all of your hopes might not come true. Am I right?

I've been having those moments of panic and sinking feelings all summer when I think about the what ifs. "What if this doesn't happen?" "What am I going to do if this falls through?"

"What if...?"

I think we're all pretty familiar with that question, and maybe with the moments we feel faint. In those moments, my hope and peace disappear and in their place are fear, dread, anxiety, doubt, and about a hundred questions. What I forget in this split-second is that I serve a God Who is capable of anything, Who will never fail me, Who owns the cattle on a thousand hills, Who loves me and has a good plan for me, and Who is sovereign over my life. He has me in His hands and I'm commanded not to fear or worry about tomorrow. When my moment of panic is over, and I remember these truths, peace and hope invade the overwhelming darkness in my heart and mind and the sinking feeling goes away, just like after remembering that I did, in fact, do that very important thing.

I thought I would share some lyrics to the Reliant K song, For The Moments I Feel Faint, that I thought were relevant:

Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong
...
I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
Gather my insufficiencies and
Place them in your hands, place them in your hands,
place them in your hands

When You Lose Someone

Jason Gray sings "Nothing Is Wasted"

This is my hope, that nothing will be wasted.

Choices

Everyone has choices. We make many choices every day...about what we will wear, eat, where we will go and not go, what we will do and not do, what we will say and not say.... Basically everything we do is a choice. I'm making a choice right now to put my sleep on hold to write this post. You're making a choice to read it when you could be doing something else. Everything is a choice.

Even our response to things is a choice.

I grew up thinking that everything is my fault. I feared, and still fear, my mom's response to things because I think that if something I tell her causes her to be upset and she does something stupid, then her reaction is my fault. But I'm learning that this is not the case.

I had a situation in the past where I had to cut off a destructive friendship. It wasn't easy. Through the whole thing, I feared that what I said to my 'friend' would cause her to go do something stupid, resulting in hurting herself. I feared this because she used it as manipulation to get what she wanted.

I've recently had a similar, yet very different, situation arise. I'm in the process of distancing myself from this person, yet fear her response. As I was discussing it with my best friend today, I realized that I have a choice to make. I can choose to believe that whatever her reaction is is my fault, or believe that it's not.

As I was journaling tonight, I wrote this:
"I need to learn that I am not responsible for other people's reactions/actions. Like with my friend, I was so afraid that she would hurt herself because of what I said to her. But, if she would have, it would not have been my fault. However this other friend reacts to me distancing myself from her is her choice and responsibility, not mine. If I call my best friend a bad name or something, she has a choice of how she will respond. She could say, "Okay, that was not okay...Mindy, we need to talk about this." Or, she could say, "Well, that Mindy...she made me feel so bad about myself so I'm going to go hurt myself because I feel bad and hurt." She has a choice how she is going to respond or react to what I said. Whatever she chooses is not my fault. I have absolutely nothing to do with her choice of reaction."

This realization is very freeing. It frees me from taking on guilt and responsibility that is not mine in the first place. Even though I've had this realization, which I wish I would have had a long time ago, I still struggle with being afraid of what another person's reaction will be. But, I need to constantly remind myself that whatever they choose to do or how they choose to react is absolutely not my fault.

We all have choices and no one can make them for us.

Laura Hackett - When I Am Afraid

When I Am Afraid
When I am afraid I will trust in You
When I'm overcome I will cling onto

The Rock that is higher, He's higher
The Rock that is higher,
When my enemy's too strong for me
I don't know how to fight the fear

That comes against my heart and mind
I call upon the name of Christ
He's higher, He's higher, He's higher
When my enemy's surrounding me
He comes to steal my joy, my peace

I let go of my reasoning
And fall upon the Rock
That is higher, He's higher
I will not build my life upon the passing sands
Of how I feel inside from one moment to the next
But I will love you Lord, my Rock, my God, my Strength
A precious cornerstone that floods of death can never shake

For there is no peace of mind, outside of truth in Christ
For the fear is real and it's power can kill
But the stability of our times, the stability of our times
Will be the Rock that is higher, He's higher
The Rock that is higher

© 2009 Laura Hackett/Forerunner Music (ASCAP)
3535 E. Red Bridge Rd., Kansas City, MO 64137 USA | contact: copyright@forerunnermusic.com
All Rights Reserved. International Copyright Secured.

our God reigns here - John Waller

Father of The Fatherless

I just came upon this song and absolutely love it.

You is...

"You is kind. You is special. You is important"

Am I?

This line comes from the movie, The Help, that recently came out in theaters and is a fast-selling new best-selling novel. My friend and I love this line. I think it was our favorite in the movie, aside from one other.

The main character, who is a black maid in the rural south, says it numerous times to the little girl she cares for because the child's mom thinks the girl is too fat and not pretty enough, so she just doesn't take care of her. Basically, she rejects her child.

So, when the child is reprimanded by her mother for doing things children her age would do, her maid says those three things to her to instill the truth into her and to counteract the things her mother is inadvertently telling her.

My friend and I have said this to each other a few times since we've seen the movie. "You is kind. You is special. You is important."

But, am I? Am I special and important?

I was talking to my best friend the other night and we were uncovering some very deep roots of lies that I have believed for a long time. These lies stem from the hurt from people in my life who were supposed to love and take care of me. Those people failed, though they may have done their best, and left some lasting impressions. These lies affect how I perceive myself and how I respond to God. I've only just begun to realize these things and it's very overwhelming.

'You is an inconvenience.'
This is one of the lies I believe and I think it stems from feeling like the things I need aren't important, and I'm just in the way. Or, that it's too much to take care of me.

'You is not worth being taken care of.'
This lie comes from being told to take care of my younger sister all the time when I was younger, but having no one to really take care of me. I always had to ask for a hug instead of having my mom sense when I needed one. I was always the one to take care of me, or so it seemed. I had the responsibility of taking care of others.

'You is not worth my time.'
This lie has manifested itself more in these last years. It just seems that my mom doesn't have time to talk to me or do the things that are important to me. The evening before my college commencement, the school held a senior dinner for them and their parents and family. I told my mom about it and she didn't put any effort into coming. I told her many times that I wanted her to be there. There was also going to be a chapel service after the dinner. She was a half-an-hour away and didn't bother coming. It gave me the message that I wasn't worth her gas/gas money to drive there when she was going to have to drive back to the hotel after it was over and then drive back to the school in the morning. It also gave me the message that I wasn't that important or that what was important to me wasn't important at all. It hurt a lot that she didn't come because it was a very important and special evening to me. All night I fought crying.
This lie has also been shown through our phone conversations. She used to have a trac phone and so she had to buy minutes to use the phone. I tried talking her into getting a shared phone plan with me through Verizon or something, but she wouldn't look into it. She recently got a shared phone plan with my sister, though, and didn't even ask me about being on it. The morning before my commencement, she and I were talking, and I got quiet and so she said she was going to go because "we're/you're (I'm not sure if she said 'we're' or 'you're') wasting minutes." Wasting? Is that what I am? A waste of minutes?

There are more, but this is overwhelming already. Lies come from all over the place and go so deep.... The analogy I like to use is that of a crab grass root. If you have ever pulled one up, you would know that they can be huge in both length and width. Most times, you pull and it breaks, so you dig some more, pull and it breaks, dig some more...you get the picture. That's what this feels like.

And I have more than one.

So what is the key to believing the opposite to these lies? Is it about looking into the mirror at yourself every single day (maybe 21 days, since they say that if you do something for 21 days in a row it becomes a habit) and saying the truths until you begin to believe them? If so, I better get friendly with my mirror. Or, is it about getting to the root of the lie (the wound that brought the lie-infection)? Do you begin to believe the truth as you heal?

When will I be able to say to myself, "You is important. You is worth being cared for. You is worth His time. You is worth being loved. You is beautiful. You is not an inconvenience. You is valuable." and actually believe it?

You Are // I Am

River Valley Church's new album, You Are // I Am is a great worship album filled with lyrics that speak truth, life, and hope and that praise our God.

Songs on the album range from fast-paced to slower paced, are contemporary, but are all easy to worship to. The lyrics bring a refreshing to the spirit beause of the Biblical truths contained in them. They provide hope and assurance of what is true when so often we believe the lies of the enemy. Many of these songs are battle cries against the lies we get tricked into believing.

My favorite song on the album is 'You Have Conquered'. It gives hope when hope seems to have been lost. "Even when the waters rise / And the mountains crumble / I will call on the name of the Lord / Even when darkness comes / And my world is shaken / I will call on the Name that is Power".
'Unfailing One' is a slower song, reveling in the fact that our God is unfailing and that He won't change.
'We Will Never Walk Alone' is another of my favorites. It's title explains the song. It is definitly a song that brings hope if you are in the valley.

The musicians in this album did a wonderful job. The vocals are perfect and aren't overpowered by the instrumentals. I love the piano and percussion, as well as the use of the choir.

I would definitey recommend this album to anyone who enjoys contemporary Christian music. It contains songs for everyone, from the younger to the older generations.

The Ugly Duckling

I was at the library today and decided to browse the children's section. As I did, I came upon The Ugly Duckling by Christian Andersen, retold by Stephen Mitchell. I decided to check it out because it was the first book I read while learning to read in the first grade. As I was reading, devotions were popping into my head. So, I thought I'd share them.

The mother duck is having a conversation with an old duck who had come to pay her a visit. The mother duck's eggs have hatched...except one. The old duck says to the mother duck about it, "Let me look again. Yes, it's definitely a turkey egg. Take my advice - just leave it to fend for itself, and go teach your real children how to swim."

"Oh, I think I'll sit on it a little longer," the mother duck said. "I've been sitting here so long that a few more days won't matter."

The mother duck reminds me of God while the old duck reminds me of the world. When the rest of the world would rather abandon me to fend for myself, God remains by my side. I love that the egg that was to hatch might not have been hers, but the mother duck chose to remain with it, anyway. We are all God's real children.

Later on in the story, the mother duck and her chicks have come to a duck yard on a farm. All of the ducks and other animals notice the ugly duckling right away and begin to call him names and push him around.

"And look at that deformed duckling. What a horror! We won't put up with reatures like that." And one duck flew at him and bit him in the neck.

"Leave him alone!" said the mother. "He's not bothering anyone."

"True," said the duck who had bitten him, "but he's too big and ugly. We just don't want him around."

"Pretty children you have, my dear," said the old aristocratic duck. "All but that one. He's rather a dud, don't you think? I wish you could remake him."

"That's not possible, madam," said the mother duck. "He may not be pretty, but he has a very good heart. He's kind and considerate, and that's worth at least as much as good looks. And he can swim as well as the others, perhaps even better. And I have a feeling that he'll be better-looking as he grows up; maybe he'll even get to be a bit smaller. It's just that he stayed too long in his egg. That's why he's not quite the right shape." And she stroked his neck and smoothed his feathers. "Anyway," she said, "I'm sure he'll grow up strong and be able to manage quite well."

I love that his mother stood up for him and had confidence in him about his future. She had hope, but two pages later, that was lost.

"The duckling was attacked by everyone. Even his brothers and sisters were mean to him and said, "We hope the cat catches you, you ugly thing!" And his mother, no longer able to bear it, said, "I wish you were far, far away."

There is a verse in Psalm 27:10 that says, "Even though my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will never forsake me." I'm reminded of this when I read that the ugly duckling's mother rejects him because she can't bear all of the abuse he is receiving.

When the old duck says, "I wish you could remake him." I am reminded of Psalm 139, where it says, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." God knit us together in our mother's womb. He made us the way we are for a reason. Who are we to question that and wish for a redo?

It's interesting, though, that it is only after he loses everything does he find who he really is. Sometimes, that's what it takes...losing everything only to find where we truly belong and who we really are.

I loved the end of the story. The ugly duckling has seen these three splendidly beautiful white birds and decides to join them for a moment, not caring if they despise him or bite him.

And he flew out onto the water and swam toward the magnificent creatures. When they saw him, they rushed to him with outstretched wings.

"It's all right," said the duckling. "You can bite me if you want. I don't mind," and he bent his head down to the water and waited for them. But what did he see in the clear water? It had to be his own reflection - there was no question about that. But why wasn't he seeing a clumsy, ugly, dark-gray bird reflected in the water? It was impossible, it was too good to be true, but what was reflected in the water was the image of one of those glorious birds! Could it be? He looked again, and the image was still in front of him, looking back at him from the water. It must be him. How incredible! How wonderful! How grateful he felt!

He was just like those gorgeous creatures swimming toward him. He was one of them. At last he belonged. He gave thanks for all the misery he had undergone, which made him all the more grateful for his happiness now....

We are constantly growing and going through things that make us more and more like Christ. We can't see the good that is going to come from our misery. But when we do get to the other side, we realize how those things have shaped us and how they have made us more grateful for where we are at that time, rather than where we were.

Interesting how a children's story can evoke such thoughts and reminders.

Fear

Because Of You lyrics
Songwriters: Hodges, David Hall; Moody, Ben; Clarkson, Kelly Brianne;

I will not make
The same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
'Cause my heart so much misery

I will not break
The way you did, you fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt

Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you, I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh, every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt

Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you, I am afraid

I watched you die, I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young, you should have known
Better than to lean on me

You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt

Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you, I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

I think this song fits very well the topic I want to write about: fear.

I'm finding that I'm afraid of anything anymore. I jump at noises, am frightened by shadows, and refuse to be in the dark alone.

And it's all because of him.

And I'm tired of living in this fear. I had a rough night last night. I was awake until 7 a.m. In that time, I had a memory and was frightened when my friend got up to use the bathroom. I saw her shadow and thought it was dad coming to hurt me. As a child, I must have seen his shadow when he was coming or when he was hurting me. Either way, I'm terrified of shadows.

And I don't know the reason for my insomnia, but that's another post in itself.

After I had that scare with my friend's shadow, I tried to call my friend who is in another state, but 3 hours ahead of me. I couldn't get a hold of her, so decided to read some Scripture to try and calm myself down. I read a Psalm that I'm very familiar with, as it's one most quoted to those who have issues sleeping.

Psalm 4:8 "I will both lie down in peace and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety."

After reading this verse, I was thinking: 'then why don't I feel safe? Is it a lack of belief on my part? The tight grip fear has on me? What? If I am to lie down in peace, but don't, what's the deal? Is it something I need to work on, spiritually speaking? Ask God for help with? What?'

I just don't understand...I know where the fear comes from, but I don't know how to conquer it. Am I bound to live in fear forever?