Delight

No, I'm not talking about the Turkish treat, but about the action verb. Delight means (according to Dictionary.com) something that gives great pleasure, a high degree of pleasure or enjoyment; joy; rapture. An antonym of delight is disappointment.

I decided to look up the meaning of this word, delight, after coming across Psalm 41:11 last night. 'By this I know that you delight in me: my enemy will not shout in triumph over me.'

I love this verse for two reasons: 1) it tells me that the victory over my enemy comes because He delights in me and 2) it gives me hope that my enemy will not shout in triumph over me. I think a third reason I love this verse is that it speaks truth. He delights in me. Wow. What a jaw-dropping realization! I can't even begin to explain what this means. What I do know is that I am not a disappointment to God, and that is pretty cool, especially when I feel like a disappointment to so many people. He delights in me because He created me, not because of anything I do or don't do. And that is pretty awesome.

I was writing in my journal today and a verse came to my mind. I was writing about how I want to be back in Indiana for my birthday (Oct. 18), and that I have a lot of people in different places that I want to visit. As I was writing these desires down, it came to mind that He knows the desires of my heart. I did some searching to see if this was a verse, and came upon Psalm 37:4, 'Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.'

But, what does 'delighting in the LORD' mean?

I found this on the web. It's from Matthew Henry's Whole Bible Commentary on Psalm 37:
We must make God our heart's delight and then we shall have our heart's desire, v. 4. We must not only depend upon God, but solace ourselves in him. We must be well pleased that there is a God, that he is such a one as he has revealed himself to be, and that he is our God in covenant. We must delight ourselves in his beauty, bounty, and benignity; our souls must return to him, and repose in him, as their rest, and their portion for ever. Being satisfied of his loving-kindness, we must be satisfied with it, and make that our exceeding joy, Ps. 43:4. We were commanded (v. 3) to do good, and then follows this command to delight in God, which is as much a privilege as a duty. If we make conscience of obedience to God, we may then take the comfort of a complacency in him. And even this pleasant duty of delighting in God has a promise annexed to it, which is very full and precious, enough to recompense the hardest services: He shall give thee the desires of thy heart. He has not promised to gratify all the appetites of the body and the humours of the fancy, but to grant all the desires of the heart, all the cravings of the renewed sanctified soul. What is the desire of the heart of a good man? It is this, to know, and love, and live to God, to please him and to be pleased in him.

I love this: "We must not only depend upon God, but solace ourselves in Him." I looked up the definition of solace and it means comfort in sorrow, misfortune, or trouble; alleviation of distress or discomfort; something that gives comfort, consolation, or relief. I am to not only depend on God, but comfort myself in Him, allowing Him to alleviate my distress or discomfort.

I understand that God isn't necessarily going to give me all of the desires of my fleshly heart/body, but He knows what they are and He knows that which is good and best for me. I think the desires that are good for me and that are in accordance with His will, He will grant. But, that's what I think, not what I know to be true.

So, What is the desire of the heart of a good man? It is this, to know, and love, and live to God, to please him and to be pleased in him.

He delights in me. Do I delight in Him?

Because you're worth it

As I was watching TV tonight, a commercial for L'Oréal came on. Their slogan, "Because you're worth it," caught my attention.

I have come to believe the lie that I am not, indeed, worth it. If you read my earlier post, 'You is...' you would know that it mostly stems from my childhood, but has also taken root due to things in my adult years: things my parents didn't do that they should have out of their 'parental duty'. Some things I believe are that I'm not worth being listened to, not worth someone's time, not worth caring for...I believe that I'm not worth the space I occupy or the air that I breathe. That's what it comes down to.

This commercial, however, tells me that I am worth it. I know it's a cosmetic commercial, and that it's saying I'm worth spending a lot of money on just to have beautiful skin, hair, nails, etc. But, the message I receive is that I'm worth it. And I can take that any which way I want to.

I think I'm beginning to uproot the lie that I'm not worth it and plant the truth that I am worth it. I've actually been standing up for myself. When I'm talking and my friend does something like unmute the TV and start paying attention to the commercial that's on or gets up and walks away, I say something. That's not something I do...EVER. I internalize everything and never speak up for myself. And what I've done here is fought the lie that I'm not worth being listened to.

It happened again today. I spoke out for something that just didn't seem right as a way a friend should and shouldn't be treated. I might have been wrong, or my friend might have disagreed, but I spoke up and out. To be honest, I felt bad for doing it. I felt like I had done something wrong. Part of the reason I never speak up or out is because I'm afraid of being wrong and of being reprimanded for being so. I'm not even confident in the things I do say at any given time because I'm afraid they are going to be wrong or stupid or insignificant. That's how I feel most of the time: insignificant. I'm not important is how I feel and what I believe. It's the message I've received most of my life. I'm not important enough to be taken care of. I'm not important enough to be loved. I'm not important enough to be protected. I'm not important enough to invest in. My friend and I were talking about how I had spoken up and she said it's about time that I do. "You deserve to be right for a change." is what she said, or something to that effect.

I'm beginning to see that the more I see my worth, the more I stand up for myself. I've never seen myself as having any worth. I've been the one that everyone depends upon, picks on, uses and abuses, rejects...but never the one with intrinsic worth and value.

I'm not sure why things are changing. I've been away from home now since July 1, and have no idea when I'm going back. Maybe God has been teaching me these things so that if His will is that I go home for a time, I am able to fight the lies that so easily entangle me there.

I'm not important enough to...you fill in the blank. What do you believe about yourself? If you don't believe that you are important enough or any of the other things I've listed, you should. Because you are worth it. Whatever it is, you are worth it. I know it's not easy. It's taken me a very long time to get to this place. It's a constant fight to uproot the lies and plant the truth. But it's a fight that's worth it. We're worth it.

Learning to dive: Learning to trust

I'm 22 years old and just learned to dive.

I've always been afraid to dive, so I never did. I also never had anyone to teach me... until this summer, anyway. While in CA, I had the opportunity to visit a family (Betsy and Ron) that used to go to my church in IN when I was a little girl. I knew them for about 4 years before they moved to CA. It was great being able to stay with them and visit. One afternoon when Betsy and I were swimming, she asked me if I knew how to dive. I said that no, I don't know how to dive, and that I was afraid to. She said she would teach me and that I didn't need to be afraid. She showed me a few times and then encouraged me to do it. I stood at the edge of the pool in the diving stance, looking pensively at the water. I kept expressing my fear, but each time Betsy was encouraging, saying things like, "You can do it." and "I won't let anything happen to you. I promise." As I took the diving position once again, I still felt fear, despite her promise. I just couldn't do it on my own.

Betsy got out of the pool and came to my side. She said she would do it with me, so we took our position and Betsy counted us off. "1, 2, 3!" The next thing I knew, I was coming up from the water with a smile on my face. I did it. I dove into the water for the very first time. I was so proud of myself.

This came to my mind earlier this evening as I was thinking about how I really need to trust God right now. God usually explains things to me using experiences I've had or any number of other things, putting them into analogies. He used learning to dive as an analogy to trusting Him.

When Betsy was teaching me how to dive, I felt very fearful, despite my desire to learn. But, after the first dive, I did it over and over again. With each dive, my fear and anxiety diminished little by little and my joy and excitement grew and grew. Now, I love diving! It's the same with God. He says I can trust Him and promises He won't let anything happen to me. When I put my trust in Him the first few times, I'm going to experience fear and anxiety, and that is okay. But, as I trust Him over and over again, finding Him to be true to His promise, my joy is going to grow and my fear will dissipate. Soon, I will have such a joy in trusting God that I won't hesitate to, just like I have no hesitation in diving.

For the moments I feel faint

You know those moments where you sort of panic and get a sinking feeling in your stomach because you think of something that you were supposed to do that was really important and you might not have done it, but then remember you did do it? That sinking feeling you get in your stomach is also there in the moments where you panic because you think about the future and how you have no idea what it looks like and how all of your hopes might not come true. Am I right?

I've been having those moments of panic and sinking feelings all summer when I think about the what ifs. "What if this doesn't happen?" "What am I going to do if this falls through?"

"What if...?"

I think we're all pretty familiar with that question, and maybe with the moments we feel faint. In those moments, my hope and peace disappear and in their place are fear, dread, anxiety, doubt, and about a hundred questions. What I forget in this split-second is that I serve a God Who is capable of anything, Who will never fail me, Who owns the cattle on a thousand hills, Who loves me and has a good plan for me, and Who is sovereign over my life. He has me in His hands and I'm commanded not to fear or worry about tomorrow. When my moment of panic is over, and I remember these truths, peace and hope invade the overwhelming darkness in my heart and mind and the sinking feeling goes away, just like after remembering that I did, in fact, do that very important thing.

I thought I would share some lyrics to the Reliant K song, For The Moments I Feel Faint, that I thought were relevant:

Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong
...
I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
Gather my insufficiencies and
Place them in your hands, place them in your hands,
place them in your hands

When You Lose Someone

Jason Gray sings "Nothing Is Wasted"

This is my hope, that nothing will be wasted.

Choices

Everyone has choices. We make many choices every day...about what we will wear, eat, where we will go and not go, what we will do and not do, what we will say and not say.... Basically everything we do is a choice. I'm making a choice right now to put my sleep on hold to write this post. You're making a choice to read it when you could be doing something else. Everything is a choice.

Even our response to things is a choice.

I grew up thinking that everything is my fault. I feared, and still fear, my mom's response to things because I think that if something I tell her causes her to be upset and she does something stupid, then her reaction is my fault. But I'm learning that this is not the case.

I had a situation in the past where I had to cut off a destructive friendship. It wasn't easy. Through the whole thing, I feared that what I said to my 'friend' would cause her to go do something stupid, resulting in hurting herself. I feared this because she used it as manipulation to get what she wanted.

I've recently had a similar, yet very different, situation arise. I'm in the process of distancing myself from this person, yet fear her response. As I was discussing it with my best friend today, I realized that I have a choice to make. I can choose to believe that whatever her reaction is is my fault, or believe that it's not.

As I was journaling tonight, I wrote this:
"I need to learn that I am not responsible for other people's reactions/actions. Like with my friend, I was so afraid that she would hurt herself because of what I said to her. But, if she would have, it would not have been my fault. However this other friend reacts to me distancing myself from her is her choice and responsibility, not mine. If I call my best friend a bad name or something, she has a choice of how she will respond. She could say, "Okay, that was not okay...Mindy, we need to talk about this." Or, she could say, "Well, that Mindy...she made me feel so bad about myself so I'm going to go hurt myself because I feel bad and hurt." She has a choice how she is going to respond or react to what I said. Whatever she chooses is not my fault. I have absolutely nothing to do with her choice of reaction."

This realization is very freeing. It frees me from taking on guilt and responsibility that is not mine in the first place. Even though I've had this realization, which I wish I would have had a long time ago, I still struggle with being afraid of what another person's reaction will be. But, I need to constantly remind myself that whatever they choose to do or how they choose to react is absolutely not my fault.

We all have choices and no one can make them for us.

Laura Hackett - When I Am Afraid

When I Am Afraid
When I am afraid I will trust in You
When I'm overcome I will cling onto

The Rock that is higher, He's higher
The Rock that is higher,
When my enemy's too strong for me
I don't know how to fight the fear

That comes against my heart and mind
I call upon the name of Christ
He's higher, He's higher, He's higher
When my enemy's surrounding me
He comes to steal my joy, my peace

I let go of my reasoning
And fall upon the Rock
That is higher, He's higher
I will not build my life upon the passing sands
Of how I feel inside from one moment to the next
But I will love you Lord, my Rock, my God, my Strength
A precious cornerstone that floods of death can never shake

For there is no peace of mind, outside of truth in Christ
For the fear is real and it's power can kill
But the stability of our times, the stability of our times
Will be the Rock that is higher, He's higher
The Rock that is higher

© 2009 Laura Hackett/Forerunner Music (ASCAP)
3535 E. Red Bridge Rd., Kansas City, MO 64137 USA | contact: copyright@forerunnermusic.com
All Rights Reserved. International Copyright Secured.

our God reigns here - John Waller

Father of The Fatherless

I just came upon this song and absolutely love it.

You is...

"You is kind. You is special. You is important"

Am I?

This line comes from the movie, The Help, that recently came out in theaters and is a fast-selling new best-selling novel. My friend and I love this line. I think it was our favorite in the movie, aside from one other.

The main character, who is a black maid in the rural south, says it numerous times to the little girl she cares for because the child's mom thinks the girl is too fat and not pretty enough, so she just doesn't take care of her. Basically, she rejects her child.

So, when the child is reprimanded by her mother for doing things children her age would do, her maid says those three things to her to instill the truth into her and to counteract the things her mother is inadvertently telling her.

My friend and I have said this to each other a few times since we've seen the movie. "You is kind. You is special. You is important."

But, am I? Am I special and important?

I was talking to my best friend the other night and we were uncovering some very deep roots of lies that I have believed for a long time. These lies stem from the hurt from people in my life who were supposed to love and take care of me. Those people failed, though they may have done their best, and left some lasting impressions. These lies affect how I perceive myself and how I respond to God. I've only just begun to realize these things and it's very overwhelming.

'You is an inconvenience.'
This is one of the lies I believe and I think it stems from feeling like the things I need aren't important, and I'm just in the way. Or, that it's too much to take care of me.

'You is not worth being taken care of.'
This lie comes from being told to take care of my younger sister all the time when I was younger, but having no one to really take care of me. I always had to ask for a hug instead of having my mom sense when I needed one. I was always the one to take care of me, or so it seemed. I had the responsibility of taking care of others.

'You is not worth my time.'
This lie has manifested itself more in these last years. It just seems that my mom doesn't have time to talk to me or do the things that are important to me. The evening before my college commencement, the school held a senior dinner for them and their parents and family. I told my mom about it and she didn't put any effort into coming. I told her many times that I wanted her to be there. There was also going to be a chapel service after the dinner. She was a half-an-hour away and didn't bother coming. It gave me the message that I wasn't worth her gas/gas money to drive there when she was going to have to drive back to the hotel after it was over and then drive back to the school in the morning. It also gave me the message that I wasn't that important or that what was important to me wasn't important at all. It hurt a lot that she didn't come because it was a very important and special evening to me. All night I fought crying.
This lie has also been shown through our phone conversations. She used to have a trac phone and so she had to buy minutes to use the phone. I tried talking her into getting a shared phone plan with me through Verizon or something, but she wouldn't look into it. She recently got a shared phone plan with my sister, though, and didn't even ask me about being on it. The morning before my commencement, she and I were talking, and I got quiet and so she said she was going to go because "we're/you're (I'm not sure if she said 'we're' or 'you're') wasting minutes." Wasting? Is that what I am? A waste of minutes?

There are more, but this is overwhelming already. Lies come from all over the place and go so deep.... The analogy I like to use is that of a crab grass root. If you have ever pulled one up, you would know that they can be huge in both length and width. Most times, you pull and it breaks, so you dig some more, pull and it breaks, dig some more...you get the picture. That's what this feels like.

And I have more than one.

So what is the key to believing the opposite to these lies? Is it about looking into the mirror at yourself every single day (maybe 21 days, since they say that if you do something for 21 days in a row it becomes a habit) and saying the truths until you begin to believe them? If so, I better get friendly with my mirror. Or, is it about getting to the root of the lie (the wound that brought the lie-infection)? Do you begin to believe the truth as you heal?

When will I be able to say to myself, "You is important. You is worth being cared for. You is worth His time. You is worth being loved. You is beautiful. You is not an inconvenience. You is valuable." and actually believe it?

You Are // I Am

River Valley Church's new album, You Are // I Am is a great worship album filled with lyrics that speak truth, life, and hope and that praise our God.

Songs on the album range from fast-paced to slower paced, are contemporary, but are all easy to worship to. The lyrics bring a refreshing to the spirit beause of the Biblical truths contained in them. They provide hope and assurance of what is true when so often we believe the lies of the enemy. Many of these songs are battle cries against the lies we get tricked into believing.

My favorite song on the album is 'You Have Conquered'. It gives hope when hope seems to have been lost. "Even when the waters rise / And the mountains crumble / I will call on the name of the Lord / Even when darkness comes / And my world is shaken / I will call on the Name that is Power".
'Unfailing One' is a slower song, reveling in the fact that our God is unfailing and that He won't change.
'We Will Never Walk Alone' is another of my favorites. It's title explains the song. It is definitly a song that brings hope if you are in the valley.

The musicians in this album did a wonderful job. The vocals are perfect and aren't overpowered by the instrumentals. I love the piano and percussion, as well as the use of the choir.

I would definitey recommend this album to anyone who enjoys contemporary Christian music. It contains songs for everyone, from the younger to the older generations.

The Ugly Duckling

I was at the library today and decided to browse the children's section. As I did, I came upon The Ugly Duckling by Christian Andersen, retold by Stephen Mitchell. I decided to check it out because it was the first book I read while learning to read in the first grade. As I was reading, devotions were popping into my head. So, I thought I'd share them.

The mother duck is having a conversation with an old duck who had come to pay her a visit. The mother duck's eggs have hatched...except one. The old duck says to the mother duck about it, "Let me look again. Yes, it's definitely a turkey egg. Take my advice - just leave it to fend for itself, and go teach your real children how to swim."

"Oh, I think I'll sit on it a little longer," the mother duck said. "I've been sitting here so long that a few more days won't matter."

The mother duck reminds me of God while the old duck reminds me of the world. When the rest of the world would rather abandon me to fend for myself, God remains by my side. I love that the egg that was to hatch might not have been hers, but the mother duck chose to remain with it, anyway. We are all God's real children.

Later on in the story, the mother duck and her chicks have come to a duck yard on a farm. All of the ducks and other animals notice the ugly duckling right away and begin to call him names and push him around.

"And look at that deformed duckling. What a horror! We won't put up with reatures like that." And one duck flew at him and bit him in the neck.

"Leave him alone!" said the mother. "He's not bothering anyone."

"True," said the duck who had bitten him, "but he's too big and ugly. We just don't want him around."

"Pretty children you have, my dear," said the old aristocratic duck. "All but that one. He's rather a dud, don't you think? I wish you could remake him."

"That's not possible, madam," said the mother duck. "He may not be pretty, but he has a very good heart. He's kind and considerate, and that's worth at least as much as good looks. And he can swim as well as the others, perhaps even better. And I have a feeling that he'll be better-looking as he grows up; maybe he'll even get to be a bit smaller. It's just that he stayed too long in his egg. That's why he's not quite the right shape." And she stroked his neck and smoothed his feathers. "Anyway," she said, "I'm sure he'll grow up strong and be able to manage quite well."

I love that his mother stood up for him and had confidence in him about his future. She had hope, but two pages later, that was lost.

"The duckling was attacked by everyone. Even his brothers and sisters were mean to him and said, "We hope the cat catches you, you ugly thing!" And his mother, no longer able to bear it, said, "I wish you were far, far away."

There is a verse in Psalm 27:10 that says, "Even though my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will never forsake me." I'm reminded of this when I read that the ugly duckling's mother rejects him because she can't bear all of the abuse he is receiving.

When the old duck says, "I wish you could remake him." I am reminded of Psalm 139, where it says, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." God knit us together in our mother's womb. He made us the way we are for a reason. Who are we to question that and wish for a redo?

It's interesting, though, that it is only after he loses everything does he find who he really is. Sometimes, that's what it takes...losing everything only to find where we truly belong and who we really are.

I loved the end of the story. The ugly duckling has seen these three splendidly beautiful white birds and decides to join them for a moment, not caring if they despise him or bite him.

And he flew out onto the water and swam toward the magnificent creatures. When they saw him, they rushed to him with outstretched wings.

"It's all right," said the duckling. "You can bite me if you want. I don't mind," and he bent his head down to the water and waited for them. But what did he see in the clear water? It had to be his own reflection - there was no question about that. But why wasn't he seeing a clumsy, ugly, dark-gray bird reflected in the water? It was impossible, it was too good to be true, but what was reflected in the water was the image of one of those glorious birds! Could it be? He looked again, and the image was still in front of him, looking back at him from the water. It must be him. How incredible! How wonderful! How grateful he felt!

He was just like those gorgeous creatures swimming toward him. He was one of them. At last he belonged. He gave thanks for all the misery he had undergone, which made him all the more grateful for his happiness now....

We are constantly growing and going through things that make us more and more like Christ. We can't see the good that is going to come from our misery. But when we do get to the other side, we realize how those things have shaped us and how they have made us more grateful for where we are at that time, rather than where we were.

Interesting how a children's story can evoke such thoughts and reminders.

Fear

Because Of You lyrics
Songwriters: Hodges, David Hall; Moody, Ben; Clarkson, Kelly Brianne;

I will not make
The same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
'Cause my heart so much misery

I will not break
The way you did, you fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt

Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you, I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh, every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt

Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you, I am afraid

I watched you die, I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young, you should have known
Better than to lean on me

You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt

Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you, I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

I think this song fits very well the topic I want to write about: fear.

I'm finding that I'm afraid of anything anymore. I jump at noises, am frightened by shadows, and refuse to be in the dark alone.

And it's all because of him.

And I'm tired of living in this fear. I had a rough night last night. I was awake until 7 a.m. In that time, I had a memory and was frightened when my friend got up to use the bathroom. I saw her shadow and thought it was dad coming to hurt me. As a child, I must have seen his shadow when he was coming or when he was hurting me. Either way, I'm terrified of shadows.

And I don't know the reason for my insomnia, but that's another post in itself.

After I had that scare with my friend's shadow, I tried to call my friend who is in another state, but 3 hours ahead of me. I couldn't get a hold of her, so decided to read some Scripture to try and calm myself down. I read a Psalm that I'm very familiar with, as it's one most quoted to those who have issues sleeping.

Psalm 4:8 "I will both lie down in peace and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety."

After reading this verse, I was thinking: 'then why don't I feel safe? Is it a lack of belief on my part? The tight grip fear has on me? What? If I am to lie down in peace, but don't, what's the deal? Is it something I need to work on, spiritually speaking? Ask God for help with? What?'

I just don't understand...I know where the fear comes from, but I don't know how to conquer it. Am I bound to live in fear forever?

The Climb

The Climb
Songwriters: Alexander, J; Mabe, J;

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa


Life definitely is a climb. For me it is, anyway. It seems like there is always some mountain that I'm having to climb. It's not fair. I'm tired, and I just want to rest.

I've been realizing lately that I've been abused by all three members of my immediate family. I used to only think it was one, the most obvious of them. Then, I realized that another one had probably abused me, too. Now, as I look back on memories of the third member of my family, I've realized that she, too, abused me. Not to mention I was abused verbally by the kids at school by their teasing. Thus considered, I've been abused my entire life. It's quite an overwhelming realization.

And it's just another mountain to climb.

Am I ever going to get over all these mountains? What's the mountain that everyone tries to climb, and some die? Mt. Everest, that's the one. If I put everything together, it seems like Mt. Everest. Who else do you know that has their own Mt. Everest?

I like that this song says that it's not about how fast I get there, but what's waiting on the other side. And just what is waiting on the other side?

My best friend is always reminding me what this fight is for. "It's for freedom." Not only is it for freedom, but for healing and wholeness.

But, this climb...there are always 'what ifs' to everything, including this. What if I don't make it? What if I fall? What if I get hurt along the way? What happens when I do make it over? What does that life look like? Will I ever reach the top? What if I lose my faith along the way?

Life really is just one big Mt. Everest to climb. Some make it, others don't. I hope I'm one of those who make it. I've come so far already. My friend's mom, the one I'm staying with in CA, has told me a few times that she is amazed at how well I've turned out, at how well rounded I am, despite the things I've gone through. I don't think I've ever really had anyone acknowledge me for where I am and how far I've come despite all the things I've been through. I still have a very long way, but it's good to be acknowledged and have my efforts validated.

Honestly, though, I really believe it's God who has brought me thus far. I think that if it weren't for His hand in my life, I'd be a rebellious bad girl, the one all the statistics about kids like me rant about. If it weren't for Him, I'd have given up this climb years ago.

I've still got a long climb ahead of me. I know it won't be easy, but I hope it's worth it. I guess I'll see once I get to the other side.

Cheers. Here's to the climb.

Out of my hands

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I was worried about my finances. I'm here in California, but feel like I should have a job. I know God brought me here for a reason or two, but I still feel discontent to be here when I think about my financial situation.

Since my Junior year of college, I have been supporting a child through Compassion International. Finances have been tough, but I've been able to manage supporting this child. But now, I don't think I can. I don't have a job right now and won't have one for the next 7, 8, maybe 9 months. I won't be able to sponsor a child. Compassion is supposed to take money out of my bank account tomorrow, but there isn't enough in there. I'm going to try and call them before they take it out, but if I'm too late, I don't know what I'll do.

I hate asking for help. I've always been independent because I've seen my mom ask for help and I don't want to have to do that. But, I sent a text to my aunt tonight explaining my situation and asking if she could help me. As I was forming my message, I saw a penny on the ground. If you have read any of my past blog posts, you would know that, to me, pennies are a signal that God is asking me if I'm trusting Him with the current situation I'm worrying about. (God and I have had this thing with pennies for four years now.) I picked it up from the ground and thought about it's meaning, or implied meaning, rather. Am I trusting Him with my finances? Not really. I should be, but it's so hard. You think it'd be easier.

This post is probably going to be a mess of my thoughts on this subject, because I have been thinking a lot today and a lot of things have happened. This morning in church, the worship leader was talking about trusting God. She said there are three things you believe when you trust God: 1) God is in control. 2) God knows what's best. 3) He loves you. Do I believe these things? I don't know...I definitely struggle with these things.

And then I find this penny...and I'm reminded of Matthew 6 where Jesus talks about not worrying about anything...that my Father sees my need and will provide. Does He? Does He see and will He provide? I've seen Him provide in the past, but this is a big need right now. So many things depend on the finances I don't have.

But, then I think about this: why do I worry about things that are out of my control? So I was turned over to the collections agency...I can't do anything about it. I can't get a job right now because of where I feel God is leading me. I can't do anything if I call Compassion tomorrow and they have already taken the money out of my account. There is absolutely nothing I can do. And yet I worry. How silly is that? It amazes me that things can be so out of my control...so far out of my hands...and yet I still worry and fret. Why?

And why do I worry and fret when I have the God of the universe...the God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills...on my side? Maybe it's because I don't trust Him the way I should. Maybe it's because I don't believe He will do what He says. Maybe I don't think that He will come through.

Maybe it's because what needs to happen is something way out of my hands and in Someone else's...Someone I can't see or understand or touch. Maybe because I can't touch Him, I think that He can't touch my situation.

Whatever the reason or logic, it's all out of my hands. Nothing is in my control, and yet I am striving so hard to be in control. Why?

I need to trust Him, but I don't know how. Sometimes it's easy, other times, not so much. Maybe one day I'll learn.

It takes time

I hate that people keep saying "it takes time" to get over the death of my cousin. I don't think time can ever heal or help me get over this loss. It's such a dumb phrase..."it takes time"...ugh! Who says that? I mean, come on...get real.

I especially hate that people say I have time...I feel like I don't have time. They say I have time when it comes to healing all the wounds from my dad, but I feel like they are wrong. I feel like I don't have time. I feel like I have so many other responsibilities that keep me from having the time I need to deal with my issues. I mean...I need to get a job. I just heard that the debt I owe to my college was just sent to the collections agency. I have no way to even begin paying on it, and I am not going to be getting a job anytime soon because of where I feel God is leading me for the next 6 months so that I can deal with my issues and have the time I need. But, what happens if I don't get a job and start paying on this? Does it really matter? I mean, we're in the end times, right? "God, I really need you to come through on this. I need you to do something."

I hate that so many things take time...and so much time. But, how much, exactly?

One of my passwords to an account I had used to be 'He will restore me'. I think I believe that, but I'm not sure. Is it possible? So many things in my life are broken...can they be restored? Can I be fully restored? How long will it take for Him to restore me?

I don't have any answers to these questions...only that it takes time...and I'm tired of hearing that.

Everywhere and yet nowhere

I still think it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake. She was not supposed to go. I see her everywhere and in every long-haired brunette, both curly and straight. Why is she gone? There has to be some mistake...some misunderstanding. I keep waiting for my aunt to call and say it's all been a mistake, even though the funeral has come and gone. I still want it to be someone else, not my cousin, my sister, and friend.

Why, God?!? I don't get it! If you are all powerful and stuff why can't you bring her back? Why did you take her? I don't get it! I can't comprehend why she is gone, or even the fact that she is gone. I don't understand why this happened! I'm so angry and I want to scream and yell. I'm so mad at you! Just...why?!? Why is she everywhere and yet nowhere?!? I want her back! WWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!???????????

Ain't No Reason

There ain’t no reason things are this way.
Its how they always been and they intend to stay.
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday.

Preachers on the podium speakin’ to saints..
Paupers on the sidewalk beggin’ for change,
Old ladies laughing from the fire escape, cursing my name.
I got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same,
A window and a pigeon with a broken wing,
You can spend your whole life workin’ for something
Just to have it taken away.
People walk around pushing back their debts,
Wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets,
Talking ‘bout nothing, not thinking ‘bout death,
Every little heartbeat, every little breath.
People walk a tight rope on a razors edge
Carrying their hurt and hatred and weapons.
It could be a bomb or a bullet or a pen
Or a thought or a word or a sentence.

There Ain't no reason things are this way.
It's how they always been and they intend to stay
I don’t know why I say the things I say, but I say them anyway.
But love will come set me free
Love will come set me free,I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes.

Prison walls still standing tall,
Some things never change at all.
Keep on buildin’ prisons, gonna fill them all,
Keep on buildin’ bombs, gonna drop them all.

Workin' your fingers bare to the bone,
Breakin' ya back, make ya sell your soul,
Like a loung thats filled with coal, suffocating slow
The wind blows wild and I may move,
The politicians lie and I am not fooled.
You don't need no reason or a three piece suit to argue the truth.
The air on my skin and the world under my toes,
Slavery stitched into the fabric of my clothes,
Chaos and commotion wherever I go, love I try to follow.

Love will come set me free
Love will come set me free, I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes.

There ain't no reason things are this way
It’s how they always been and they intend to stay
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday.
Ain't No Reason- Brett Dennen

I really enjoy the lyrics to this song. I went ahead and posted the entire song, but for what I want to write about, I want to focus on the first three lines.

There ain’t no reason things are this way. Its how they always been and they intend to stay. I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday.

Sometimes I can't find any reason for death. It just doesn't make sense to me. I mean, I know it's a result of the fall, but...other than that, what reason is there for a person to die?

Especially a person so young. I just don't understand. It's not fair! I don't understand why she isn't here anymore.

And I hate it because I want so badly to go home and fix all of this. I want to fix my aunt and cousin's brother...I want fix their hearts so they don't hurt anymore.

But I can't even do that for myself!

And there isn't any reason I can find for her passing. I don't get it!

"God, what purpose has her death served?!? Or what purpose is it going to serve, if any?!?"

Life Goes On

How does life just go on after someone dies? I don't understand how it can. It seems like it should just stop, pause, and maybe even rewind. Life doesn't take into consideration our pain, sorrow, agony, grief...but it just keeps going on and on, moving forward one moment at a time.

A little over a week has passed since I heard about my cousin's death. I still don't understand how a week could have gone by already, and the viewing and the funeral. She's in the ground now, and her mom and dad are searching for a headstone. So many moments have passed and she has not been a part of any of them.

It's just not fair! Why should life be able to go on when hers can't? How am I to move forward when there has been this great loss? I don't understand. And I want to fix it all! I sense how broken my family is because of this and I hate it! I want to fix it...make it all go away.

But I can't. Nothing I or anyone else can do will bring her back.

But that's all I want. I want her back!!!! I still can't believe she's gone. I miss her smile, her goofy laughter, her singing to every country song in the world, swimming in her pool with her and the two of us teasing her brother, hearing her talk about boys, being her older sister she can confide in when my own little sister won't tell me a thing...I miss everything about her.

How can she be gone? I don't understand! It's not fair! How can life just go on? She can't be gone. And life just doesn't go on.

If I die young

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never known the loving of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand

There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

So put on your best, boys, and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing
Funny, when you're dead how people start listening

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time
So put on your best, boys
And I'll wear my pearls

If I Die Young by The Band Perry

I think this song is the perfect one for the loss of my cousin. Every time I hear it, I think of her.

She died from a broken neck and a severed artery. I don't understand why this happened. Her boyfriend was going to propose. She'll be buried in the engagement ring.

She loved bowling. She was on her high school bowling team. She had so much going for her. She doesn't belong in a body bag or in the obituaries or in a funeral home or in a coffin, much less in the ground. She belongs in the engagements or on a 'high score' board in a bowling alley or in a classroom teaching special needs children or on a stage singing 'Coal Miner's Daughter' or a hundred other places, but not in a coffin.

I just don't understand, and my grief is so heavy, as if someone has tied a millstone around my neck. I want to yell and scream 'Why!?" I want her back. I want to hug her and laugh with her and go swimming in her pool with her and watch movies with her and be annoyed by her brother with her and sleep downstairs in the basement next to each other...I want her back!

Death is so dumb. One minute you're here, the next...nothing. And no one can fix it. I want to fix this for my family so desperately that it hurts. I want to fix my family, too.

But I can't. And I hate that. I think that's why God has me in CA while all of this is happening. If I were at home, I'd want to fix everything and everyone, and would forget about me and my grief. But, I can't fix anyone or anything, and I need to deal with my grief.

She was so young. I don't understand why she's gone. I keep going back and forth between denial and acceptance, shock and anger. I guess that's normal when you lose someone close to you. She was like a sister to me. She was always quick to forgive and never judged anyone. No matter who you were, she loved you.

I sat in the shower tonight and thought of her. I still can't wrap my mind around what happened. I just want it to all go away. I want it to be a bad dream and I want to wake up and find her back here. I want to hear her laugh again and see her smile and hear her tell of something she did.

I know that's what we all want.

Death

As I write this, I'm speechless and my heart is broken. I lost a friend tonight. Not only a friend, but a family member. My cousin was 20 years old. She wanted to be a special education teacher and I think she would have been great at it. She had a younger brother who got on her nerves, but I know she loved him. She was fun loving and loved life.

I grew up with Shawna. Our families lived only about twenty minutes apart, so we saw each other often. She was the same age and grade as my sister, and was like a sister to me. We talked about a lot of things and when we were together, fun was always a companion. She had the greatest laugh and was quite the goofball. I can still hear her laugh. She loved to sing. She had a great voice and I think would have gone far with it.

She was hit by a semi. Two witnesses said she kept crossing over the center line and an oncoming semi tried to move over as much as he could, but she caught his back tire. They think she died instantly, so she wasn't in pain.

Death. It's such a strange thing. One moment you are alive and breathing, senses fully alive, and the next...nothing. Where do you go? What happens in that split second of a moment? Is there a bright light? Darkness? Pain? No pain? What thoughts run through your head? Does your life flash before your eyes?

What ran through her head? Did she know what was happening? Did she know what was coming? What did she feel?

I will never know the answer to these questions about my cousin, but one day I will know them as they relate to myself.

But, in the mean time, I am caught in my grief. I am beside myself as to what to do with myself. The Bible says that our life is but a breath, here one moment and gone the next. We need to cherish each moment that we have because we will never have that moment again.

Death is so final. I wish it weren't so. But it is.

And it's crazy how, when you lose someone, you flash back to all the other people that have died who were close to you. You remember where you were when you found out, what you were doing, and you remember details of that day or night or moment. It's like 9-11. Everyone remembers what they were doing and where they were when that happened or when they found out about it.

I can't get the words that my aunt spoke when she told me out of my head.

"Are you sitting down?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Shawna was killed in a car accident tonight."
__________________________________

Shawna,

Boy, will I will miss you. You were the little sister I never had. Any secret you had was safe with me. You had such a great voice. When we were in the car, I think you knew all the words to most every song on the radio station. I miss our fun times together, of wearing braids and laughing at ridiculous things. I wish you would have gotten to teach my sister how to wear make-up properly. What am I ever going to do with that girl? It's not going to be the same without you. You were the cousin I was closest to. Family get-togethers aren't going to be the same. I always looked forward to seeing you and talking to you at those things. You made them bearable. Ava is going to miss you, you know. So are all of us. I don't understand why this happened, or why I'm in California during it all, but I know that God is still good and He is still in control. I hope you knew Him, but only you and God know that.

I love you very much and hope to see you again someday.

Your sister, cousin, and friend,

Mindy

The Last Layer

I've heard over and over that this process of healing is like the layers of an onion. Each layer has to be peeled back one at a time.

There are so many layers that it seems that I'll never be done peeling them back.

But, just like when peeling an onion, I'll eventually get to the center, right?

Will I ever get to the very last layer?

Will I ever be done peeling?

His Faithfulness

I had my first plane ride on Thursday.
It was AMAZING!!!! I loved every minute of it, but take-off was by far my favorite part!

I think I had been in the air for at least two hours when, finally, there were billows of clouds below us and what looked like the tundra of them around us. It was beautiful.

But, while I was admiring the beauty out my small plane window, a verse came to my mind. Psalm 36:5 "Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens; your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds."

I've always struggled with His faithfulness. Is He really good and faithful? I also never understood how high up the clouds went. When I was down on the ground, it was hard to tell how high up they were and what was beyond them. On the plane, I got to see this. In the second picture here, you can see the ground below and the clouds that are over that area of land. The plane is above those clouds. It amazes me that I am above those clouds, and yet this verse says that His faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds.

So, what does this mean? It is so beyond my understanding that I find it difficult to put into words what I want to convey. But, I don't think there are any words that are able to fully describe our God. But, He is faithful. Dictionary.com defines faithful as being 'true to one's word, promises, vows, etc.'.

His faithfulness stretches beyond our understanding, as it stretches beyond the clouds. It just goes on and on and on, and isn't dependent upon our works or sin. Isn't that comforting to know? He is faithful whether we are or not. It's His nature. He is faithful.

God's fingers, glue, and the pieces of me

Bebo Norman wrote a song, God Of My Everything, that has really spoken to me. In the first verse, there is a line that says, 'Gather the pieces that are broken'. That has become my prayer.

Only recently have I begun to see my brokenness, and it's everywhere. I don't think there is one part of my life that is not broken. Try on that realization and see what life would look like. I know we all have our brokenness, but when it seems like it is in every area of your life, it begins to look overwhelming and hopeless.

And I really am in pieces. Since meeting my dad, I've split off into different parts that serve as different functions. I have an angry part who is just angry all the time at everything, a numb part who takes over when all the emotions are too much, a child part who felt it all, and an adult part who tries to keep things going in the real world. I also have a Christian part who, I think, is the real me apart from all of this stuff. But, I only get glimpses of her. But, all of these pieces put together again form a whole person. But, until I'm together again, I'm fractured and broken.

I almost feel like Humpty Dumpty. We all know the nursery rhyme:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
And all the King's horses
And all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again

I'm thankful that my name's not in that nursery rhyme.

Do you remember when you were a kid and you had to do a craft that involved gluing things to paper? Remember how your hands got covered in glue? I think that's how God's hands are as He is trying to put me back together. But, He's not afraid of the mess.

He is in the process of taking my pieces and putting them back together. Sometimes, that process hurts. Each piece has to be glued on one at a time, and I am having to look at each piece of me one at a time. It's very overwhelming.

But, I'm very glad that God's fingers are gentle. Being broken hurts enough.

I know that He will put me back together again, but it's taking a very long time. I forget sometimes that He is not on my time table, but I am on His. I forget that He is putting me back together, and that I don't have to do it by myself.

And I forget that when I am all put back together, I might not look the way I expect. I might still have some holes where the Light can shine through.

My Grand Adventure

This summer has been one unsure day right after the next. I never know what my life is going to look like from day to day. I guess that keeps life interesting, right?

As I write, I'm sitting in a Starbucks in downtown Indianapolis. I got to Indy on Thursday afternoon after spending a week in Marion, Indiana, with a family from my church there. I left home on July 1st, after being home for a week from my last trip.

Here's what my life has looked like this summer so far: I spent about 4 weeks at home and then left for Indianapolis on the 20th. My church's youth group was headed to church camp in Hartford City, which is right by Taylor University (my Alma Mater). So, I rode up with them to Indy and got dropped off there to spend time with my best friend and roommate from Junior year. Wednesday of that week, we drove to Marion where I stayed with a family from my church. Marion is right by Upland, which is where Taylor is. I was there until Friday, when I caught a ride home with my church's youth group. I spent a week at home, and then left again on July 1st to go back to Marion. I stayed there until July 7th and then left for Indianapolis. When I talked to my friend about going to stay with her in Indy, it was decided that I could stay with her for a week, which would put me at July 14th. So, I said that was fine, but I had no idea what I was going to do once that week was up. I wasn't sure I wanted to go home or back to Marion. But, I figured I would decide when the week was over.

I was on Facebook Wednesday evening when I got a message from a college friend who lives in California. She wanted to know what I was doing in the next few months because she and her mom wanted to fly me out for a few weeks of fun, relaxation, and adventure. I read the message and couldn't believe what I was reading. We chatted on Facebook chat for a few minutes and then her mom started talking to me on chat, too. She asked when I wanted to come and if I could get to Indianapolis to the airport and that they were thinking sometime next week. I was shocked. I told them that I was already going to be in Indianapolis on that Thursday and that that would work out perfectly. So, they booked a flight for 6:30 Thursday evening, July 14th.

In one moment I went from not knowing where I was going to go to knowing exactly where I'd be going. My friend and her mom decided to get a one way ticket so that we could leave the return date open, because I'm just not sure when I'm going to need to come back. My return to Indiana depends on what happens with Mercy Ministries, as I'm still waiting on that process. I'm not quite sure why I'm being sent to California, but I'm very grateful. There are so many adventures waiting for me there!

My friend and I were talking last night before we drifted off to sleep about how she has seen the hand of God on and in my life these last few years that she has known me. I don't always see it, but I think with this, I'm beginning to. I don't know what God is up to, but I do know that this is going to be a grand adventure. I have never been on a plane before, nor have I been to the West Coast. Both of these things have been dreams of mine, and now they are coming true. I never thought they would. And the amazing thing is that it's really costing me nothing, which is even more of a blessing!

I am amazed at the people God has put into my life who bless me and love me when there is no reason for them to. Many times I just wonder why, because I don't deserve any of it.

Found in the Aftermath

Aftermath- Hillsong United
[Verse 1:]
The skies lay low where You are
On the earth You rest Your feet
Yet the hands that cradle the stars
Are the hands that bled for me
[Chorus 1:]
In a moment of glorious surrender
You were broken for all the world to see
Lifted out of the ashes
I am found in the aftermath
[Verse 2:]
Freedom found in Your scars
In Your grace my life redeemed
For You chose to take the sinner's crown
As You placed Your crown on me
[Chorus 2:]
In that moment of glorious surrender
Was the moment You broke the chains in me
Lifted out of the ashes
I am found in the aftermath
And in that moment You opened up the heavens
To the broken the beggar and the thief
Lifted out of the wreckage
I find hope in the aftermath
[Bridge:]
And I know that You're with me
Yes I know that You're with me here
And I know Your love will light the way
[Chorus 3:]
Now all I have I count it all as loss
But to know You and to carry the cross
Knowing I'm found
In the light of the aftermath


This song speaks to me. I know it's talking about how we are found in the aftermath of the cross and what He did on Calvary, but I can't help relating it to my current situations. If you've been following me, you would know that life hasn't been easy. I'm in the process of applying to Mercy Ministries, and actually just sent in the last part of my application on the 4th of July. Now, I just have more waiting to do.

In the mean time, things have been pretty rough. A lot of things at home have been crazy, and then I've been noticing a lot of things in myself that are bothersome. Not to mention that the pain I feel inside is incredibly much. I feel like a pop bottle that has been shaken up and when the cap is taken off, it explodes because of the pressure inside. Or I feel like a glass doll or figure that is already tipping and just the slightest breeze will send me over the edge, shattering onto the floor. The emotions I feel inside, and am trying to suppress, are so intense that I feel that if I let them out, if I feel them, I will die.

And the dumb thing is that I know I need to let them come. I need to feel them. I need to take that cap off and let what's inside come exploding out. I need to take all of my guards down, unlock the dead bolts, let my walls fall...but I don't want to.

But, when I do, I think the words in this song will ring true. He will be there, lighting the way with His love as to what I need to let out and where He needs to get in to do some repairs. He will be with me during the explosions and when I feel like I'm going to die.

And He will find me in the aftermath of all of this that needs to be dealt with and felt. I won't die or be lost. He will find me.

And in this truth, there is hope. The hope that I will be found in my aftermath.

Being Remade

I Am New- Jason Gray

NOW I WON’T DENY THE WORST YOU COULD SAY ABOUT ME
BUT I’M NOT DEFINED BY MISTAKES THAT I’VE MADE BECAUSE GOD SAYS OF ME

I AM NOT WHO I WAS, I AM BEING REMADE, I AM NEW
I AM CHOSEN AND HOLY AND I’M DEARLY LOVED, I AM NEW, I AM NEW

WHO I THOUGHT I WAS AND WHO I THOUGHT I HAD TO BE
I HAD TO GIVE THEM BOTH UP CAUSE NEITHER WERE WILLING TO EVER BELIEVE

TOO LONG I HAVE LIVED IN THE SHADOWS OF SHAME
BELIEVING THAT THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD CHANGE
BUT THE ONE WHO IS MAKING EVERYTHING NEW DOESN’T SEE ME THE WAY THAT I DO
HE DOESN’T SEE ME THE WAY THAT I DO

I AM NOT WHO I WAS, I AM BEING REMADE, I AM NEW
DEAD TO THE OLD MAN, I’M COMING ALIVE, I AM NEW, I AM NEW

FORGIVEN, BELOVED, HIDDEN IN CHRIST
MADE IN THE IMAGE OF THE GIVER OF LIFE
RIGHTEOUS AND HOLY, REBORN AND REMADE
ACCEPTED AND WORTHY, THIS IS OUR NEW NAME
THIS IS WHO WE ARE NOW

I love the words in this song. I love the truth that God does not see me the way I see me. He sees me as unbroken, unblemished, whole, without shame, new, clean, beautiful, worthy....He loves me when I don't love myself. When I try to hide because of shame, He shines His light on me, refusing to let me hide. I am made in His image. He's the giver of life and I'm made in His image. That's crazy. I am accepted when others reject me.

I am being remade. I'm getting a new name. There's more I'd love to say about this song, but I think the lyrics speak for themselves.

Me-1, Fireworks-0

Well, I conquered my fear of the loud explosions of fireworks...I sat through probably my first fireworks show without plugging my ears. I was pretty close to where they were setting them off, too. I've been afraid of the loud noise since I can remember. I've also been afraid of popping balloons. But, now that I think I know the reason why, it's not so scary.

My dad popped a balloon around me when I was little, or so my mom said when I asked her. My theory is that instead of being afraid of my dad, who I was afraid of because of what he was doing to me, I turned that fear onto the balloon. It makes sense to me, but whether it's true or not, I don't know. I can only speculate.

But if it helps me overcome my fear of fireworks and balloons popping and exploding, then I say it's true.

Me-1, Fireworks-0

Mercy

Well, it's June 7, and I'm still at home. Home is getting more and more stressful with each day. I can't say anything without being yelled or screamed at by my sister. A person can only take so much of that before they break. I'm about to that point. And there are other things going on with my family that I'm not going to mention simply because I don't want my family to stumble upon this blog and know that I'm talking about them. You understand.

But, since being at home, I've been really annoyed. I was talking with one of my 'moms' the other night and it just came out that I'm afraid of running into my dad while I'm here. He lives twenty minutes away, and I just don't think I can handle running into him. It would be too much for me. I did see him once at the beginning of my time at home, but his back was to me and we didn't see each other face-to-face. But, I think I was suppressing my fear, and it was turning into aggravation and irritation. I'm constantly afraid of running into him, and therefore am looking behind and all around me when I'm in a public place. And, my hypervigilance has been way hyper because I'm afraid of something or someone being there. I hate jumping at everything.

But, while being home, amidst the chaos, I'm still working through my application for Mercy Ministries. It's a tedious application, and I'm getting tired. I'm getting into the part where finances are going to have to come through. I have to get a physical, a TB test, blood work, and I don't even have insurance. I don't know how all of this is going to work. Not to mention that, if I do get into Mercy, I have to have finances while I'm there. I have to have money if I need to go to the doctor, for psychological services (they mentioned something about this, but I don't understand), money for personal needs and personal hygiene products, and for travel home for breaks and stuff. So, with all that said, and I'm sure there is more, I am in need of God's provision.

Over the last few weeks, I think I have gotten pointers from God that are still pointing me in the direction of Mercy Ministries. One of them is that I stumbled upon Lamentations 3:22-27. It reads:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in him."

The LORD is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
It is good for a man that he bear
the yoke in his youth.

I found this verse randomly one night when I opened my Bible to read before bed. I felt that it was definitely God speaking to me, especially because I had just prayed right before I read this and it seemed like God was answering my prayer with "wait". I talked to a friend about it who I was put into contact with by a girl in my Bible study. This friend had been to Mercy about a year ago, so it was great that I had her to talk to. I told her about the verse and she said that "His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning" is something I'll hear a lot at Mercy. She said that when you graduate, you get a ring that means that same verse. Sign number 1? Maybe.

Before I left school, I had a friend tell me that she felt that in two weeks I'd have my answer. Well, two weeks came and went, and there was no answer. A few days after the two weeks had passed, a lady from my church here at home called to tell me about a job opportunity she had found online. It was for an editor for Joyce Meyer Ministries, located in St. Louis, Missouri, which is where one of the Mercy houses is located. I spent the night in confusion and wrestling because I didn't understand why this was being thrown my way. I really thought that Mercy was where I was going. This just didn't make sense to me. I talked to my friend and she mentioned that Joyce Meyer Ministries works closely with Mercy Ministries, they are both located in St. Louis (well, the home I'm hoping to get into and the one where she was), and Mercy uses a lot of Joyce's materials. So, maybe, this is a sign that I'm headed in the right direction. The next day, I looked up the job description, and I really don't feel that I fit it. I don't have 3-5 years of experience and I don't know journalism styles and a few other things. But, the worst they can say is 'no', right?

So, I'm still waiting. I will be working to finish this application for Mercy and Joyce Meyer Ministries. I have no idea what God is doing, but know that I want Him to put me where He wants me so that I can bring glory to His name. In the mean time, I'm trying to have peace, love, and patience at home, but it's failing. So, I need your prayers. Pray that God would help me while I'm here at home, that He would somehow get me out of here and soon, and that Mercy would come through.

I know there are a lot of people praying for me, and I thank you. Just keep on praying and I will keep on believing that my answer is coming.

A Piece of the Puzzle

I've had this puzzle piece since my freshman year of college. No, I didn't decide to take it out of a puzzle because it was my favorite piece, nor did I find it and decide to keep it. It was given to me.

During my freshman year of college, a woman came to our campus and spoke in chapel one morning. Sadly, I don't remember her name, but I do remember the message and the meaning behind the puzzle piece. She gave her testimony, a story of how God saw past her dirtiness and filth to who she really was: His daughter. She talked about how there were so many times in her life where she didn't know what God was doing, but knew He was doing something.

But, the message about the puzzle piece was what stuck with me the most, and is what comes back to me as I stare at it sitting on my desk. It is that we only have a piece of the puzzle to look at, but God has the entire box cover.

You know how, when you are putting together a puzzle and you have the box in front of you to guide you? Well, that's God. He's got the box with the complete picture on it. We've only got a puzzle piece, so we only see a very small portion of the whole picture, which is very large.

I'm preparing to walk across a stage on Saturday, May 21, 2011, and receive my B.A. in Professional Writing. The question most people have already asked is, "What are you doing after you graduate?" My answer? "I have no idea, but God does."

And that is the truth. I don't know what I'm doing after I graduate. I think I am going home for a short period of time, but I'm not sure. There is a possibility that I could go to Kentucky and intern, but I don't know where, when, or for how long. Then, I have been looking at and praying about Mercy Ministries. My friend sent me the link sometime last semester, telling me that a friend of hers went there and has been forever changed. She thought it would be a good place for me to go. I looked at it, and then put it in a folder to look at later. A few weeks ago, I had a dream that, for some reason, made me start thinking about Mercy again. I think this is maybe where God wants me to go, but I'm not sure. I haven't come upon any opposition to me going when I talk to people about it. They seem all for it, saying that it's exactly what I need. I have the application, and it is a tedious process. I need to have sponsors to help with the costs of getting medical tests and a physical done, because I don't have insurance right now, and that could get expensive. I also need sponsors to sponsor me while I'm there, because I will need spending money, but won't have a job. Then, there are my school loans that I would need to get a deferment on and so many other things that I just don't know how they are going to work out.

But, God has the whole picture, and I have a piece. I know that with Him, all things are possible. I know that I can't limit Him, because He can do anything. I know that if this is where He wants me to go, He's going to provide the way. It is so hard to trust Him and take this leap of faith. But, isn't that what this whole 'Christianity' thing is about, anyway?

If you find yourself not knowing what you are supposed to do in a situation or just not knowing how something is going to work out, grab a puzzle piece from a puzzle and remind yourself that God, who is All-Sufficient, Jehovah Jireh, has the box cover and sees the whole picture. He knows what He wants to do and He knows where the pieces that you hold in your hands fit into the whole picture.