Out of my hands

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I was worried about my finances. I'm here in California, but feel like I should have a job. I know God brought me here for a reason or two, but I still feel discontent to be here when I think about my financial situation.

Since my Junior year of college, I have been supporting a child through Compassion International. Finances have been tough, but I've been able to manage supporting this child. But now, I don't think I can. I don't have a job right now and won't have one for the next 7, 8, maybe 9 months. I won't be able to sponsor a child. Compassion is supposed to take money out of my bank account tomorrow, but there isn't enough in there. I'm going to try and call them before they take it out, but if I'm too late, I don't know what I'll do.

I hate asking for help. I've always been independent because I've seen my mom ask for help and I don't want to have to do that. But, I sent a text to my aunt tonight explaining my situation and asking if she could help me. As I was forming my message, I saw a penny on the ground. If you have read any of my past blog posts, you would know that, to me, pennies are a signal that God is asking me if I'm trusting Him with the current situation I'm worrying about. (God and I have had this thing with pennies for four years now.) I picked it up from the ground and thought about it's meaning, or implied meaning, rather. Am I trusting Him with my finances? Not really. I should be, but it's so hard. You think it'd be easier.

This post is probably going to be a mess of my thoughts on this subject, because I have been thinking a lot today and a lot of things have happened. This morning in church, the worship leader was talking about trusting God. She said there are three things you believe when you trust God: 1) God is in control. 2) God knows what's best. 3) He loves you. Do I believe these things? I don't know...I definitely struggle with these things.

And then I find this penny...and I'm reminded of Matthew 6 where Jesus talks about not worrying about anything...that my Father sees my need and will provide. Does He? Does He see and will He provide? I've seen Him provide in the past, but this is a big need right now. So many things depend on the finances I don't have.

But, then I think about this: why do I worry about things that are out of my control? So I was turned over to the collections agency...I can't do anything about it. I can't get a job right now because of where I feel God is leading me. I can't do anything if I call Compassion tomorrow and they have already taken the money out of my account. There is absolutely nothing I can do. And yet I worry. How silly is that? It amazes me that things can be so out of my control...so far out of my hands...and yet I still worry and fret. Why?

And why do I worry and fret when I have the God of the universe...the God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills...on my side? Maybe it's because I don't trust Him the way I should. Maybe it's because I don't believe He will do what He says. Maybe I don't think that He will come through.

Maybe it's because what needs to happen is something way out of my hands and in Someone else's...Someone I can't see or understand or touch. Maybe because I can't touch Him, I think that He can't touch my situation.

Whatever the reason or logic, it's all out of my hands. Nothing is in my control, and yet I am striving so hard to be in control. Why?

I need to trust Him, but I don't know how. Sometimes it's easy, other times, not so much. Maybe one day I'll learn.