Fear

Because Of You lyrics
Songwriters: Hodges, David Hall; Moody, Ben; Clarkson, Kelly Brianne;

I will not make
The same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
'Cause my heart so much misery

I will not break
The way you did, you fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt

Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you, I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh, every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt

Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you, I am afraid

I watched you die, I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young, you should have known
Better than to lean on me

You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt

Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you, I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

I think this song fits very well the topic I want to write about: fear.

I'm finding that I'm afraid of anything anymore. I jump at noises, am frightened by shadows, and refuse to be in the dark alone.

And it's all because of him.

And I'm tired of living in this fear. I had a rough night last night. I was awake until 7 a.m. In that time, I had a memory and was frightened when my friend got up to use the bathroom. I saw her shadow and thought it was dad coming to hurt me. As a child, I must have seen his shadow when he was coming or when he was hurting me. Either way, I'm terrified of shadows.

And I don't know the reason for my insomnia, but that's another post in itself.

After I had that scare with my friend's shadow, I tried to call my friend who is in another state, but 3 hours ahead of me. I couldn't get a hold of her, so decided to read some Scripture to try and calm myself down. I read a Psalm that I'm very familiar with, as it's one most quoted to those who have issues sleeping.

Psalm 4:8 "I will both lie down in peace and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety."

After reading this verse, I was thinking: 'then why don't I feel safe? Is it a lack of belief on my part? The tight grip fear has on me? What? If I am to lie down in peace, but don't, what's the deal? Is it something I need to work on, spiritually speaking? Ask God for help with? What?'

I just don't understand...I know where the fear comes from, but I don't know how to conquer it. Am I bound to live in fear forever?