Death

As I write this, I'm speechless and my heart is broken. I lost a friend tonight. Not only a friend, but a family member. My cousin was 20 years old. She wanted to be a special education teacher and I think she would have been great at it. She had a younger brother who got on her nerves, but I know she loved him. She was fun loving and loved life.

I grew up with Shawna. Our families lived only about twenty minutes apart, so we saw each other often. She was the same age and grade as my sister, and was like a sister to me. We talked about a lot of things and when we were together, fun was always a companion. She had the greatest laugh and was quite the goofball. I can still hear her laugh. She loved to sing. She had a great voice and I think would have gone far with it.

She was hit by a semi. Two witnesses said she kept crossing over the center line and an oncoming semi tried to move over as much as he could, but she caught his back tire. They think she died instantly, so she wasn't in pain.

Death. It's such a strange thing. One moment you are alive and breathing, senses fully alive, and the next...nothing. Where do you go? What happens in that split second of a moment? Is there a bright light? Darkness? Pain? No pain? What thoughts run through your head? Does your life flash before your eyes?

What ran through her head? Did she know what was happening? Did she know what was coming? What did she feel?

I will never know the answer to these questions about my cousin, but one day I will know them as they relate to myself.

But, in the mean time, I am caught in my grief. I am beside myself as to what to do with myself. The Bible says that our life is but a breath, here one moment and gone the next. We need to cherish each moment that we have because we will never have that moment again.

Death is so final. I wish it weren't so. But it is.

And it's crazy how, when you lose someone, you flash back to all the other people that have died who were close to you. You remember where you were when you found out, what you were doing, and you remember details of that day or night or moment. It's like 9-11. Everyone remembers what they were doing and where they were when that happened or when they found out about it.

I can't get the words that my aunt spoke when she told me out of my head.

"Are you sitting down?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Shawna was killed in a car accident tonight."
__________________________________

Shawna,

Boy, will I will miss you. You were the little sister I never had. Any secret you had was safe with me. You had such a great voice. When we were in the car, I think you knew all the words to most every song on the radio station. I miss our fun times together, of wearing braids and laughing at ridiculous things. I wish you would have gotten to teach my sister how to wear make-up properly. What am I ever going to do with that girl? It's not going to be the same without you. You were the cousin I was closest to. Family get-togethers aren't going to be the same. I always looked forward to seeing you and talking to you at those things. You made them bearable. Ava is going to miss you, you know. So are all of us. I don't understand why this happened, or why I'm in California during it all, but I know that God is still good and He is still in control. I hope you knew Him, but only you and God know that.

I love you very much and hope to see you again someday.

Your sister, cousin, and friend,

Mindy