Monday, December 27, 2010

2010

This year has been full of surprises. It has been a difficult year and a very rewarding year. If you've kept up with me, I am approaching 11 months that I have gone without cutting. That's quite the accomplishment, considering it is not a very easy thing to abstain from. You also know that 2009 brought a new school year, as well as a new school. Taylor University Fort Wayne closed in May of 2009, and I transferred to Taylor Upland for the rest of my schooling. It's been quite a transition. But, it's been a good one. I never would have chosen this path for myself, but then again I'm not God. He knows what's best for me, even when I think that I do. Taylor Upland has been a great place for me to be in this time of my life. I have found many people there who love me and support me, to which I am very grateful. Each person has found a very special place within my heart.

But, this year has also had it's surprises. Things have happened that I never imagined, namely, meeting my dad. I sent him a letter on June 14. I got one back the following week with a picture of my half-sister. I sent him another one a few weeks later, and again received another one, this time with pictures of him and his family. After a few weeks, I called him and we spoke on the phone for the first time. We talked by phone until October. Then, I met him on October 16, two days before my 22 birthday. It had been 18 years since I had seen him. It was a good meeting (you can read about it on my blog or in a note on Facebook). But, a lot of things have come up since meeting him...a lot of things I didn't anticipate. It's just another step in this healing journey, though...another thing for me to overcome.

But, before 2010 is over, I had one more thing to do: one more big thing...meeting my half-sister. She looks like me, don't you think? I sure think so. We met on December 26. I also met my step-mom, who is a very nice lady. Tasha, my sister, and I got along pretty well. I think she likes me. She's one of those kids who has to warm up to you on her own terms, you can't force yourself upon her. I had no problem with that. I mean, she's 5 and it was pretty awkward. We had a very good meeting though. We laughed, played games (tick-tac-toe, hangman, and the dot game), and I talked a little to my dad and step-mom. My mom was with me, so that helped to have her talking to them as well. It took the pressure off of me, which was good.

But, am I crazy? Is this real? All of this is so surreal. It feels like a dream that I'm going to wake up from any minute. Someone pinch me so I know that I'm not dreaming. I can't tell reality from imaginary anymore. I'm feeling pretty lost and confused, not to mention disoriented. I'm only hoping I can find my way back soon. I'm tired of this darkness.

I know that I will find the way out soon. I know so many things, and I know I'm not putting them into practice. But, please understand me. I'm not myself right now. I know a lot of you are trying to help me, but you can't. You can pray, listen to me, and just love me for where I am and who I am right now. I wish there were a magic word to make this all go away, but there's not. It is simply going through it and giving in to whatever needs to happen, whether that's remembering, writing, drawing...doing the things that I need to do. And I'm sorry that I am not who you want me to be. I hate it. You don't know how frustrating it is for me. Living in the dorms is so frustrating right now because I feel so withdrawn, and I'm sorry to the girls on 3CE because I know I haven't been the best 'wing mate' this year. It's exhausting to try and be there when I'm not really there. I'm already exhausted...but I don't want to make excuses, and this sounds like excuses. So, I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm making a bunch of excuses, and maybe they are, I don't know. I really don't even know who the real me is. I don't think I've ever known. I've either been child Mindy, adult Mindy, numb Mindy, scared Mindy, or angry Mindy. And I'm sorry if none of this makes sense, because it's all crazy to me, too. I've been told it makes sense, but it's still so frustrating to me. I just want to know who I really am and I just want help.

So, I think I got off on a tangent there, but, oh well. This year has brought many changes, as you have been reading about. But, again, the biggest one and the most difficult one was opening my life up to my dad. It will be interesting to see what 2011 brings. I'll be graduating in May, and then I'm not sure where the Lord will lead me. I'm just glad that, even in the midst of this chaos, His truth remains, even when I don't believe it. One truth is that He has my best interest in mind, and He knows what He is doing. He has a plan that is good and that is to prosper me and not to harm me. Now, if only I can learn to rest in that and let Him take me where I need to go and stop being stubborn. Maybe 2011 will be the start of this. I can shoot for it, anyway.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Bought with the precious blood of Christ

As I write, God continues to pursue me, and my run slows to a jog. He has been speaking to me in the midst of my running, and I've heard Him, but not heeded. I'm still wrestling with Him, as well as fearing Him. The thing I fear most is that He will do something to harm me, or that His intentions toward me are not right or pure. This is one of many things that have been keeping me from trusting Him and falling completely into His arms.

But, He pointed something out to me today.

I was in chapel this morning and the song being sung was "In Christ Alone". In the third stanza or verse, the very last line reads, "Bought with the precious blood of Christ." If you go back one line, it says, "I am His and He is mine".

I am His. Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

After singing this, a thought popped into my head, definitely God speaking. When I buy something, especially something that cost me a lot, I don't treat it ill. I treat it the best I can. And if it is something that someone else has bought for me, and it cost them a lot of money to buy it or a lot of time to make it, I treasure it, again treating it the best I can. I take care of that thing they bought for me, or I bought for myself.

God gave His Son, the most costly thing to Him, to purchase me.

Jesus gave His life and endured the cross and died all to purchase me.

If He were willing to give up the most precious thing to Him, and if Jesus were to give a costly sacrifice to purchase me, why would He then treat it badly? Wouldn't He take the best care of it as was in His power? God gave up something precious to purchase me. Jesus' blood was precious.

God didn't pay the most expensive price for me just so He could do bad things to me. If so, the price He paid wouldn't have been worth it.

So what He's trying to get across to me is that He does not intend me harm. He didn't pay a high price for me just to break me.

I am His. Bought with the precious blood of Christ. I belong to Him. And He is good, no matter what the lies tell me.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Psalm 116

NLT:

1 I love the Lord because he hears my voice
and my prayer for mercy.
2 Because he bends down to listen,
I will pray as long as I have breath!
3 Death wrapped its ropes around me;
the terrors of the gravea]">[a] overtook me.
I saw only trouble and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“Please, Lord, save me!”
5 How kind the Lord is! How good he is!
So merciful, this God of ours!
6 The Lord protects those of childlike faith;
I was facing death, and he saved me.
7 Let my soul be at rest again,
for the Lord has been good to me.
8 He has saved me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling.
9 And so I walk in the Lord’s presence
as I live here on earth!
10 I believed in you, so I said,
“I am deeply troubled, Lord.”
11 In my anxiety I cried out to you,
“These people are all liars!”
12 What can I offer the Lord
for all he has done for me?
13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
and praise the Lord’s name for saving me.
14 I will keep my promises to the Lord
in the presence of all his people.

15 The Lord cares deeply
when his loved ones die.
16 O Lord, I am your servant;
yes, I am your servant, born into your household;
you have freed me from my chains.
17 I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving
and call on the name of the Lord.
18 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people—
19 in the house of the Lord
in the heart of Jerusalem.

Praise the Lord!


Amplified:

1I LOVE the Lord, because He has heard [and now hears] my voice and my supplications.

2
Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore will I call upon Him as long as I live.

3The cords and sorrows of death were around me, and the terrors of Sheol (the place of the dead) had laid hold of me; I suffered anguish and grief (trouble and sorrow).

4Then called I upon the name of the Lord: O Lord, I beseech You, save my life and deliver me!

5Gracious is the Lord, and [rigidly] righteous; yes, our God is merciful.

6The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He helped and saved me.

7Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.A)">(A)

8For You have delivered my life from death, my eyes from tears, and my feet from stumbling and falling.

9I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living.

10I believed (trusted in, relied on, and clung to my God), and therefore have I spoken [even when I said], I am greatly afflicted.B)">(B)

11I said in my haste, All men are deceitful and liars.

12What shall I render to the Lord for all His benefits toward me? [How can I repay Him for all His bountiful dealings?]

13I will lift up the cup of salvation and deliverance and call on the name of the Lord.

14I will pay my vows to the Lord, yes, in the presence of all His people.

15Precious (important and no light matter) in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints (His loving ones).

16O Lord, truly I am Your servant; I am Your servant, the son of Your handmaid; You have loosed my bonds.

17I will offer to You the sacrifice of thanksgiving and will call on the name of the Lord.

18I will pay my vows to the Lord, yes, in the presence of all His people,

19In the courts of the Lord's house--in the midst of you, O Jerusalem. Praise the Lord! (Hallelujah!)

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Rebellious Israelite

I'll be honest: I've been believing a lot of lies about God lately. I've been believing that He's not good, that He will betray my trust, that He is like my earthly dad, and that He is not safe. These are the ones I've identified, but I'm sure there are more.

I learned something from my roommate last year. She was constantly asking me what lies I was believing and then asking me what the truth was. The lesson I learned was to constantly point myself back to the truth when I find I am believing lies. So, that's what I've begun to do. It's time I stop listening to and believing these lies and confront the truth.

In the midst of discovering truth about one of my lies, I came upon Deuteronomy 1:32, but more so, Deuteronomy 1:26-46. It's the account of Israel's rebellion against the Lord. Verse 32 really caught my attention. Here's what it says: "But even after all He did, you refused to trust the Lord your God, who goes before you looking for the best places to camp, guiding you with a pillar of fire by night and a pillar of cloud by day."

I read ahead and was caught by verses 42-45. It reads, "But the Lord told me to tell you, 'Do not attack, for I am not with you. If you go ahead on your own, you will be crushed by your enemies.' This is what I told you, but you would not listen. Instead, you again rebelled against the Lord's command and arrogantly went into the hill country to fight. But the Amorites who lived there came out against you like a swarm of bees. They chased and battered you all the way from Seir to Hormah. Then you returned and wept before the Lord, but He refused to listen. So, you stayed there at Kadesh for a long time."

God told them what to do or not do, and they disobeyed and in the end got hurt. If they would have just trusted Him....

So, I have another confession: I've been a rebellious Israelite. I've not trusted Him, even after all He has done for me. I have refused Him. Maybe it's arrogance, maybe it's fear. Or, maybe it's both. Arrogance because I think that I know what's best for me. Fear because of the lies I've been believing. But, hasn't He proved Himself over and over to me?

Jeremiah 29:11 says that His plans for me are good. Isaiah 55:8-9 says, "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the Lord. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

Isiah 30:18 says, "So the Lord must wait on you to come to Him so He can show you His love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for His help."

I could copy down handfuls of verses that talk about trust and how God is good and trustworthy, but only until I believe them do they have any meaning. Not only believing them, but responding to them give them meaning.

I think the definition of trust is an interesting one. It means:
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.
4. a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.
5. the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.
6. the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust.
7. charge, custody, or care: to leave valuables in someone's trust.
8. something committed or entrusted to one's care for use or safekeeping, as an office, duty, or the like; responsibility; charge.

I like number 6, especially. It is the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed. To impose is to thrust something upon others. I think it's interesting that God calls us to trust Him. He invites us to impose on Him the confidence we have that He won't fail or disappoint us. That is something that no human can have imposed upon them and uphold. I also like that He invites us to thrust it upon Him. We don't even have to ask. He wants us to lay our entire being on Him.

I love number 7 of the definition of trust. In one sense, trust is to leave our valuables in someone's trust. And trust in this sense is that person's care, or even in their hands. We are putting our valuables in someone else's hands.

All of the things that God is asking me to trust Him with are valuable. I am being asked to trust Him with the unknown. I value the known. He is asking me to trust Him by giving up my control. I value having control. He is asking me to trust Him with my heart. I value protecting my heart. He is asking me to trust Him by letting Him lead me. I value being able to see where I'm going.

Not only is He asking me to trust Him with these things, but He is asking me to be still and know that He is God. Still means:
1. remaining in place or at rest; motionless; stationary: to stand still.
2. free from sound or noise, as a place or persons; silent: to keep still about a matter.
3. subdued or low in sound; hushed: a still, small voice.
4. free from turbulence or commotion; peaceful; tranquil; calm: the still air.
5. without waves or perceptible current; not flowing, as water.

I have been anything but still these last few weeks. I have been going about, trying to figure out this and make sense of that. I've been talking to many people, trying to get their opinions, hoping they're what I'm looking for, even though I have no idea what I'm searching for. I have had so many questions that I've been trying to figure out the answers to. And all God is asking of me is to be still and know that He is God.

This message was spoken to me multiple times this morning in church. First, a man came up to me and told me that I popped into his mind last night while he was working and the Lord told Him I needed to know to be still and know that He is God. There is no way he could have known I needed to hear that, because he knows nothing of what I'm wrestling with. Then, the worship leader, during the service, said that someone needed to know this morning that God does not want to be among other gods in our lives. He wants to be the only one and He wants to come before, amidst, and after other people, meaning that He wants me to come to Him before other people. I felt she was talking directly to me, so I'm going to write it as if she was. She said that He will answer my questions in His time, and that I need to wait on Him. He will reveal to me what I need to know when I need to know it, but that I need to be still and know that He is God.

I think God is trying to get a message across to me. And I'm being a rebellious Israelite. I've had so many thoughts this week, too. The enemy is definitely trying to work in my life, and I've been allowing him. Some of the thoughts he's put into my head have been about suicide and hurting myself and turning to different things either for comfort or to ignore everything else. I've struggled with turning to food for comfort and then thoughts of getting rid of it by purging. I've felt worthless, abandoned, ashamed, ugly, unwanted, like people can't handle me (God included), hopeless, and I'm sure so much more that I can't yet identify.

I know that if I don't start trusting God, things are just going to be worse for me. It's not only about trusting Him for my own benefit, but it's about being obedient. I don't want to keep running, but I need His help to remain. I don't want to end up like the Israelites: hurt and having my cries ignored by God because I wasn't obedient. I'm at a compromise. I keep going down my path, or I can trust where He is leading me, which He promises is good.

One of the verses I found while I was trying to search for the truth about one of my lies reads, "Then Abraham waited patiently, and he received what God had promised." We all know the story of Abraham. God told him to leave everything he knew and follow Him to a place where He would lead him. Abraham had no idea where he was being led, but He trusted God and followed. God told him that he would be made into a great nation, that He would bless him and make him famous, and that he would be a blessing to others. He told him He would bless those who bless him and curse those who treat him with contempt. He said that all the families on earth would be blessed through him.

That is quite the promise! But God kept it. All Abraham had to do was wait patiently on the Lord and trust Him. God proved Himself faithful, good, and trustworthy in Abraham's situation. This is true even where He asked Abraham to sacrifice his son. What makes me think I'm any different than Abraham, or that God is different today?

God, touch this rebellious Israelite. Thank you for being so patient with me. Please keep pursuing me. Don't give up on me. I'm almost there.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Rend

You’ve been tarnished
And you’ve been stained
And all the varnish you’ve used to cover up with is peeling away

CHORUS
Yet even now, return to me with nothing less
Than your wounded, broken heart
Cling to Me, your gracious King
Be shattered glass of empty jars and rend
Rend, rend, rend
Rend your hearts

You’ve been tarnished
And you’ve been stained
And all the varnish you’ve used to cover up with is peeling away

(Chorus)

I don’t need a grand display
Show me that your heart has changed
I don’t need a show
Only just to know your own heart breaks

'Rend' by Jimmy Needham


I really like this song. It gets to a place that I wish I could hide. This is such a vulnerable place to be. But, through this song, I realize that I don't have to wait until I've got everything together before I go to Him. He wants me to come to Him with and in my brokenness and bring my wounded self under His grace.

Here's what dictionary.com said rend means:
(the
"to separate into parts with force or violence.

to tear apart, split, or divide

to pull or tear violently (often fol. by away, off, up, etc.).

to harrow or distress (the heart) with painful feelings."


I think all of these fit what this song is talking about, but I want to focus in on the last one: to harrow or distress (the heart) with painful feelings. To harrow means "to disturb keenly or painfully; to ravish, violate; despoil". The definition of despoil is "to strip of possessions, things of value".

I also looked up the definition of tarnished which means "to diminish or destroy the purity of; stain". The definition of cling is "to hold tight, as by grasping or embracing; to be or remain close; attachment".

I find these definitions very interesting, and also very difficult when applied to the context of this song. I mean, look at what God is calling us, desiring us, even, to do! I just look at these definitions, and it is so crazy. I mean, our possessions are things we have worked hard to keep, and He is asking us to give them up, literally to strip ourselves of them. And these aren't tangible possessions He is talking about. No, He's talking about the things in our lives that we have hung onto and have not allowed Him to have. If we would just let Him have them, we would find so much healing and freedom.

I look at the definition of tarnished and totally relate to being stained and having my purity destroyed. He sees that and still invites me to come and cling to Him. Cling: to hold tight, as by grasping or embracing. He invites us to just be and remain close to Him. He wants us to attach ourselves to Him, even in our brokenness.

And, to be honest, I hate the other definitions: those of harrow and especially that last definition of rend. He wants us to violate our hearts with painful emotions. One definition of violate is "to break". He wants us to break our hearts with painful emotions.

I looked up what Jimmy Needham had to say about His song. Here's what he says: "The book of Joel speaks of a time of judgment and devastation for God's people because of their sinful ways. And yet, even in the midst of judgment the Father's compassionate hand is extended. "Even now," declares the LORD as He invites Israel to turn from their sins and cling to Him alone. However, as He invites His people back into relationship with himself, there is one requirement from God. "Rend your hearts and not your garments." The word "rend" means to tear apart. What God is saying to them and to us today is this: I don't want a show from you. I want an authentic heart change. Save the performance because I am concerned about genuine repentance, not fabricated repentance."

I might not be on the same track as Needham, but I think it still applies. This song still speaks to me in the sense that it is basically saying to go to let go of my past, which I've been holding onto, and hold onto Him and feel all of the emotions that I've been running from. He wants me to stop pretending that I'm okay and actually have a real change, a real healing, a real freedom, a real deliverance.

All I have to do is be shattered glass of an empty jar and rend this heart He gave me.

It all comes down to trust

There have been so many things going on since I met my dad. I won't bore you with all the mess, my confusion, and my wrestling, but I want to share with you something that I felt the Lord asking me to remember in this time.

One of the things I've been wrestling with is this: In order for the Lord to really heal me, and in order for me to receive complete freedom, am I going to have to remember my past?

Some people say no, and in a sense manipulate Scripture. Why would a good God want to cause pain for His children? He's protecting me by allowing me to not remember, some have said. But, how can you heal from something you don't remember? Can you get freedom from something you don't remember, but have heard about all your life?

It's like this.... Well, I wanted to come up with an analogy, but I can't think of one. Anyway, I've been told all my life that I was abused, but I don't remember it. How can I get healing from it since I don't remember it? Does this analogy work: It's like being told that you lost something, but you don't remember ever losing it, and you have never had that thing, so how do you find it? Maybe this doesn't work, but I hope you get the picture.

Anyway, going back to my question. Is it necessary that I remember the abuse in order to be healed and freed of it? This is my fear: remembering. In my own opinion, I don't know how else I can be healed of it other than by remembering.

And if this is the case, then I'm finally going to get to the point that I've been wanting to make. God reminded me that even if I am caused to remember, God is still good. Even if I do remember, His plan is still good and He is still safe, good, true, loving, trustworthy, and He still has me.

As I was writing this, I Skyped one of my friends to ask her what she thought about all of this. While I was typing my question to her, I realized that does my question really even matter? Either way, God is calling me to trust Him. Whether or not He is going to cause me to remember is really of no concern to me. I just need to obey Him by trusting Him with where He is leading me.

So, the moral of this post is that it all comes down to trust. My doubts, confusion, fears, questions...none of it matters. The only thing that matters is the question of will or won't I trust Him. That's the only answer I need right now.

"I'll tuck you in."

I've always had a hard time when night rolled around. Since I was a little girl, I've been terrified of the night, which includes sleeping and my bed. I believe it stems from my past. I get anxious when it's time to go to bed and I just don't want to, no matter how exhausted I am. Sometimes, it helps to have a light on or to sleep somewhere else, but those things only seem to mask the fear for a little while. It seems my fear knows how to overcome those things.

This might not flow very well, just to let you know. There has been a lot of chaos going on in my life these past few weeks since meeting my dad. I've been trying to run from a lot of emotions that I don't want to deal with. And there are many reasons behind this, but I won't get into it right now. That's for another posting.

But, I have this fear of nighttime. I was at my friend's house last night and her sister started talking to me about being afraid at night. I was surprised, because I wasn't sure how she knew I was dealing with this fear. She was talking about her own fear, and it was comforting to know that someone else was afraid, too. She told me that at one point, God spoke to her and said, "Don't be afraid, you are Mine." To her, that gave great comfort. She said He was saying the same thing to me, but it didn't seem to provide the comfort I needed.

That night before bed, I was praying with my friend. I prayed for peace and for His protection as I slept. As we finished praying, we hugged, and a thought popped into my head. I laughed and, in answer to her confused, "What?", said, "He's waiting to tuck me in."

When I thought about this, the fear seemed to leave and I was actually wanting to get to bed. I've never thought of Him waiting for me at my bedside to tuck me in. But, He is. He's already gone before me to my bed. He's checked under the bed and shooed away all the monsters and He's chased away all the demons from under the covers. He's swiped away all the demons that hang out over my bed and He's ready to tuck me in. Not only will He tuck me in, but He'll sing over me until I fall asleep, and will continue even after I'm already asleep. He'll sit by my bed all night long and protect me. This gives me some comfort. If I think on this, going to bed doesn't seem so bad.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Meeting my dad

So, I want to thank everyone who prayed for me during this time of meeting my dad. I want to let you all know how it went.

I wasn't sure what to expect. I don't think I felt any fear. I walked into it fearless. I was pretty nervous and excited, though. I feel like I could feel everyone's prayers. The day before this meeting, I felt like I was in the shadow of His wing all day. I felt so much peace and calm. I'm pretty sure I was in His arms the entire time.
Anyway, we met at my church at 4:00 on Saturday. He walked in and said "Hey." I said hey back and then he said that I looked good. At that point, I started to cry. I'm not sure what he said after that, because I took the 4 or 5 steps towards him and hugged him. He took me into his arms and hugged me back. This was our first hug in 18 years. I, of course, cried. Hard. I couldn't believe that I was actually feeling my dad's arms around me. He asked if I was okay and told me that he loved me. I was speechless.
After that, I was pretty shaky. We sat down and talked. We talked about my writing: I showed him the report I had done as my internship this summer. I also showed him some things that had recently been published. My roommate and best friend from last year, Laurie, was with me. In one of my letters to him, I had told him that I kind of played the piano. He wrote me back and said he'd love to hear me play. Well, all churches have pianos. So, I pointed it out and he asked if I was going to play for him. I said yes and Laurie and I headed to the piano.
We played our duet (Heart and Soul) first so I could loosen up, and then I set to playing the piano for my dad. When I was done, I felt much more loosened up. He said it was beautiful and that he could listen to it all day.
I got my first birthday present from my dad since I was 2 yesterday, too. When I read the card, I cried, and he was crying, too. It meant a lot.
After that, we continued talking about random things, mostly about my half-sister. It was fun hearing about her. I can't wait to meet her someday.
We talked until about 6 and decided we were hungry. My mom, dad, Laurie, and me went to dinner together. I sat by my dad and enjoyed eating together. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder when we had Laurie take some pictures and I felt safe. I didn't want him to remove his arm. I wanted to put my head on him as his arm was around me. But, I didn't.
When it was time to leave, I really didn't want him to. I hugged him many times, but none seemed to be enough to make up for all the lost hugs. I kept wanting one more. It's hard being back at school, because I just want him here. I want to be able to sit and talk with him, catching up and getting to know him. I also just wish I had another day or two to let it all sink in and process it. I don't even know how to process it.
Oh my word! I met my dad yesterday! I hugged him and he hugged me. Wow! Is this real? I'm sure I'll write more later, but this is all I have for now.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Mishmash

The title of this post is birthed from the numerous thoughts running around in my head that have absolutely nothing to do with one another.

Thought #1
It's been an interesting few weeks. God is doing some crazy things, but I'm not sure exactly what. I just know it's been crazy. He keeps asking me this question: "Mindy, will you trust Me?" I keep not answering. I've been wrestling with doubt. I mean, I know He is good and trustworthy. I know He would never lead me somewhere where I would get hurt. He only has what is good for me. His plans are not to harm me.

So why do I doubt? He has proved me over and over, yet I still doubt when He calls me to walk without knowing where I'm going. I think I know how Abraham felt. And yet Abraham followed. He obeyed. What makes me think I'm any different from Abraham? God was faithful all the way in Abe's situation. Why do I think He won't be in mine?

I keep hearing Him whisper, "Mindy, will you trust Me?" His hand is outstretched, waiting for me to grab hold. I think I've linked pinkies with Him, but my hand is not fully intertwined with His. I think I'll get there, and thankfully, He is patient with me. I feel He wants to lead me to a place I never expected to go. He wants to do more healing: setting free. Do I trust Him enough to follow, and let Him lead?

Thought #2
Tonight was an interesting night. I rode in a car with four other girls to Wal-Mart and back. I was terrified. I felt like the driver was very distracted, and I feared hitting something or running off of the road.

But that wasn't my worst fear.

My worst fear was the police officers that I saw on our way to and from Wal-Mart. I don't like police officers, especially at night. I was afraid they were going to pull us over. I hate the flashing lights. I guess they don't have good memories.

I think one bad memory of police officers at night with their flashing lights was when they came and arrested my dad. It might have been that night that my mom, sister, and I were transported to the hospital in a police car, but I don't remember.

But maybe I'm starting to.

I know I was examined at the hospital (that night). I think I suppressed that. All these memories...I think they are beginning to surface. This goes back to Thought #1 where God is asking me to trust Him. Maybe He wants to unlock the part of my life that has been locked away so that He can bring complete healing and freedom.

And all He wants me to do is trust Him.

Thought #3
I'm thinking of meeting my dad over fall break, which is October 14th-17th. My birthday is the 18th. What a birthday present, huh?

This should be so much more of a bigger deal to me than it is. Maybe I just haven't quite processed it yet. I mean, how does one processes something like this? I mean, I've been talking to my dad over the phone since about the end of July after 18 years of nothing. Crazy? Surreal? You bet.

And now I'm thinking about meeting him. The emotions that go through me when I think about this are fear, excitement, nervousness, anxiousness, and anticipation. Did I mention fear? This is a really big decision, one that I've been thinking about for a while now. Meeting your dad after 18 years isn't something you do everyday.

There are so many questions I have, but I'm not sure if I'll get answers. This, like Thought #2, goes back to my Thought #1. He just wants me to trust Him (my Heavenly Father, that is). It's been said to me that, when praying for me, people can see me walking side by side, hand in hand with my Father. I know He goes before me and beside me, but it's still a little scary. I'm praying, though, that God will open or close this door according to His will. One determining factor in meeting my dad over fall break is finances. If the money is there to travel home, then I will go. But, if it is not there, I will not be meeting my dad yet.

Thought #4
We have a stall in the bathroom in our dorm that has blue paper on the walls. On one side, people can write their favorite scripture. I read one in there today that was from Isaiah 41:13. It reads, "For I hold you by your right hand - I, the Lord your God. And I say to you, 'Don't be afraid. I am here to help you.'"

This definitely speaks to me. In Thought #3, I talked about how people have told me that they can see me holding His hand, walking side by side. When I picture this, I think of Him holding my right hand. I had no idea this verse even said this, let alone existed. Maybe it's because I'm right handed, or maybe it's because He really does hold me by my right hand. Who knows? This verse does bring comfort, however. He is here to help me, whether by leading me or by comforting me. He tells me in this verse that I don't have any reason to be afraid because He is there, and when He is there, nothing can come near and harm me.

It's like the Shepherd and Much-Afraid in 'Hinds' Feet on High Places'. When members of her Fearing family come to taunt and harm her, all she has to do is call the Shepherd's name and He is there, causing her tormentors to flee to safety. He is intimidating to my enemy. When He's around, I don't have to fear. He is also good and will not harm me, which is why He says He is here to help me.

So, going back to my Thought #1, again I hear, "Mindy, will you trust Me? Will you take My hand and let Me lead?"

Sunday, September 19, 2010

My Rock


I was walking to class the other day when I came across this boulder in the middle of the sidewalk. I've walked past it every day for the last year, but on this day, it caught my attention. I happened to see a shiny penny under the boulder. I wasn't going to pick it up, but I did, because something made me. I had been stressed that week, as well as exhausted, and didn't want to stoop down to get it. But, I obeyed. I carried the penny in my hand on my way to class, flipping it over and over with my thumb, index, and middle fingers.

When I got to class, I set the penny in front of me on my desk. God asked me to think about where I had found it. Obligingly, I did.

"It was under the rock, Papa."

"Um hum. It was almost as if it was taking refuge under the rock, right?"

"Right."

"You need to do the same, Mindy. You need to take refuge under Me, your Rock. Rest in Me, Mindy. Find in Me your hiding place."

So, this is what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to hide under my Rock just like I found this penny hiding under a rock. I am trying to let Him have all my worries and just lie back in Him and rest.

Funny how God speaks to His children. He used a rock and a penny for me. How is He speaking to you today? What's He asking you to do?

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Lessons and Fits

God is trying to teach me something, and I'm throwing a fit about it. Why am I throwing a fit? Because it's a tough lesson to learn. Last year, I had many people around me who I knew I could go to and talk with and sort of depend on them. I've always been dependent upon people, because I didn't know the truth and safety of depending on God. I had a lot going on in my life and ran to those people.

But this year, they are nowhere in sight.

My roommate graduated and we talk occasionally, my hall director left, and my counselor left. I have a new roommate, a new hall director, and a new counselor, yet again. This is not the first for all three, as I have had a different roommate every year of college. This is my third hall director, and my fourth counselor in three years. Can you sense my feelings of being lonely and overwhelmed?

It's been difficult having a new roommate. I'm still trying to adjust. She's gone a lot, which is difficult. I love having people around, so I'm feeling quite lonely not having her in the room. This new hall director is great, but I miss the old one and the relationship we had. This is the same with my new counselor. I really miss my other one. I'm having to rebuild all these relationships, and it's hard. It's taking a lot of effort.

And I'm throwing a fit about all of this. I don't want to build new relationships and I want the other people back because they were there to lift me up. But, I feel God is saying to me, "Mindy, you don't need those people to depend upon anymore. You know you can depend on Me, and you can do this on your own, if you rest in My strength."

While I know His words to be true, I'm still throwing a fit about it. Even though my Father knows what is good for me, it's not what I want. I want those people back, but He says, "No. It's time you stand on your own."

So, I'm throwing this fit, but I'm learning this lesson. God knows what is best for me, and I need to trust Him in that. I am a senior in college, and will be on my own soon. I won't have these people and relationships around me after this. I don't want to be learning this lesson two weeks before I graduate. It's best I learn it now.

And He is seeing to that.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

My Testimony

I come from a single-parent home. My dad was sexually abusive and was ordered out of my life when I was three. I grew up really fast, because my mom was raising me and my younger sister alone. My sister had seizures then, as well as a g-tube for feeding. I was never really a kid. And school was terrible. The first time I experienced acceptance from my peers was in my freshman year of college. Before that, I had a guy who I thought was my friend tell me I should just kill myself, that I'd be doing the world a favor. I had other things happen throughout my schooling that humiliated me and made me hate myself. This part of my life before college is a story in and of itself, but it's not the one I want to focus on. People always say college is the best four years of a person's life. I think they're right, so I want to tell about my four years of college, starting with freshman year.

Things were never okay. I always knew there was something off, but I could never figure it out. Then, one night during my freshman year of college, it was there, whispering in my ear: homosexual. I began having thoughts involving one of my close girl friends. I did not understand, nor did I want them. I tried shoving them off, but couldn't. So, I tried to ignore them. But that helped for only a little while.

I was on spring break when that happened. I went back to school without having talked to anyone about them. They were on my shoulders, mind, and heart, weighing me down, killing me. The week I got back to school, I stopped eating. I became an anorexic and an exercise addict,working out sometimes 4-6 hours a day. I spoke to my adviser on Wednesday. The thoughts were too much for me to handle by that time. They were consuming everything, even when I was sitting in class with a female professor. I confided in my adviser, and she suggested I talk to the campus counselor. I had only been out of counseling for one semester and now I had to go back in. I was so angry. I'll never forget walking to the counselor's office and scheduling an appointment with her. I wept as I walked down the hallway after scheduling for the following Monday.

Counseling was hard. Everything was hard. The anorexia continued, as did the over exercising. I felt that if I had control over those two things, then it was okay that I did not have control over the other things going on. I hated God and myself. My self-esteem plummeted into the ground. I moved into a stage where I did not want to be touched. I fought to not go home at the end of the year. My relationship with this friend also took a turn for the worst. I did not want anything to do with her. I would get so angry at her when we spoke, that when we were done, I would go to the football field and throw my football as hard as a could, as many times as I could, and scream at the top of my lungs. Then, I would fall to the field and weep. I was so angry at everything. I was struggling with not only this stuff, but stuff from my past, again. I was so tired of dealing with the sexual abuse that I did not want to do it anymore. There were times where I contemplated suicide, and even scratched my arm with a box cutter. I had hit the pavement.

I ended up having to go home that summer. Little did I know that the next year and a half would be hell. My pastor 'counseled' me that summer. He eventually told me that what happened with my dad actually never happened. I hated him for saying that. I did not understand. How would he know? He wasn't there. I thought it was some sick joke. He even had the audacity to tell me that God told him that it never happened. I was seriously tossed upside down. He told me that what I decided to do, whether I accepted it or not, would determine where I was ten years from then.

So, by the end of the summer, I thought I had accepted it. I had learned a few things along the summer and thought I was done with counseling. I was wrong. I spoke with my advisor about the summer's events and she posed some questions that made me doubt my decision. So, I took them up with my counselor. She advised I come back and talk about some more things. So, I did.

By Christmas of my Sophomore year of college, I found out what really happened, supposedly. I was so tired of not knowing what happened to me when I was three, so I asked my mom to come and have a session with me and my counselor to discuss it. She agreed and the night before we were to go home for break we met with my counselor. I had some questions ready to ask my mom, but only got the first one out. I asked my mom, “ For my dad not to be in my life, something had to have happened. So, what happened?” She asked the counselor if I was mature enough to handle adult content, to which the counselor assured her I was. Then, ugly words spewed from her mouth.

I could not contain my emotion at what I was hearing my mom say my dad did to me. I put my head down, blocking out all view of people, and wept. I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. I wanted to run, hide, get away from what I was hearing. But, I couldn't. I continued to weep. The rest of the session was about me asking a few more questions and arguing with my mom about how she had replaced me with her boyfriend. I still wanted to run.

When I got back to school for the new semester, I had to face my monster for the first time since that day in the counselor's office. I hated it. I tried to run from it. I tried to deny it, but found that all I could do was work toward accepting it. So, I did. With the help of my counselor, friends, and God, I worked to accepting that it was me it happened to, and that it did indeed happen.

Besides having to do that, I struggled a lot that year. I really wanted a dad. I hated not having one, because it hurt. My longing was so overwhelming at times that I begged God to just take it away. But, He refused. I was hurt that He wouldn't. I think I knew He wanted me to find Him as Father, but I struggled to. When I thought that I had, I found I had really not. It was hard.

I also struggled with my relationship with my mom that year. She had started dating the summer after my freshman year, and I hated it. She was not dating the way Christians are supposed to date, and that made it hard for me. I was also not comfortable with a man sleeping in my house, and my mom did not understand why. We fought about it, and I could not even find the words to explain to her why. So, our relationship plummeted.

That was an interesting year for me. But, little did I know what the next one would hold.

My school closed that year. I was going to be transferring to a new college. I got a job that summer, working in the library at the new school. So, I stayed with a family who lived near the campus. They were going to be traveling for 6 weeks, so I house sat for them. The last week of June, I had a friend come and stay with me. This was the same friend whom I had homosexual feelings/thoughts about my freshman year of college. And I thought those were behind me, although my counselor and I never talked about them.

Half-way through the week, disaster struck within me. The thoughts were back, but different this time. I came very close to asking to do things with this friend. Luckily, the hand of God held me back, and nothing happened between us. But, I began to withdraw from her toward the end of the week. When she left at the end of the week, I was glad. I had to think.

I told her later that week that I needed some distance for a week. I wanted to take that week to think and pray, and then we would talk, so I did not want her to contact me. She didn't listen, and that made it more difficult. Through that week, I wrestled with God. I finally realized what the problem was at the end of the week. I needed to deal with some things so that this wasn't an issue. Because of the sexual abuse, I had some misconceptions about sex and relationships. Because of this, it was easier and even seemingly safer for me to have a sexual relationship with a female than with a male. This was the exact thought I had when I was a freshman that spring break night. I realized then that I had some things to deal with.

So, I set out to distance myself with this friend, putting boundaries on our friendship. I also went about trying to find books to help me with this area of a distorted view of sex. Nothing I found helped, but only hindered. I ended up cutting this relationship off completely. It was what I had to do.

I knew of a female counselor from the campus that I met in the work out center a few times. I stopped her outside of the gym one day and told her my situation. I asked her for any resources she could recommend. She pointed me in the direction of the counselor that was on campus, who happened to be a male. Stepping out of my comfort zone, I sent him an email and we scheduled to meet the following Monday. I had three days to prepare myself to be in a room alone with a male. I was terrified.

I spoke to my friend who was going to be my roommate that next year, and she sensed my fear. She told me that she would drive an hour and twenty minutes to sit with me in an hour session with this counselor. And she did.

When it came time to go the session, I was still terrified. I was nervous about talking to a man about such intimate things. But, I did it. I met with him for the rest of the summer, which was a few weeks. Each time, my roommate was there with me. By the end of the summer, I had pretty much ceased communication with my friend from home, but was really angry with her. I soon realized that my anger was not because of her, but because of me. It was easier for me to be angry at her than myself because of what my thoughts and feelings were toward her. I did not want to face that I was thinking those things.

When school started at the end of August, beginning of September, I was still a mess. I was still struggling with homosexual thoughts, anger, and so much self-hatred. I was also just tired of dealing with everything. By the second week of school, I wanted to go home.

I continued counseling with this man, and my roommate continued coming with me, although she now sat outside the room rather than in it with me. By the beginning of November, I went to a session all by myself. I sat in the room, alone, with the door closed, with a male, knowing that no one was outside waiting to hear me if anything happened. And everything was fine.

And then something happened that I was responsible for.

It ended our counseling relationship, forcing me to either quit counseling or find another counselor. I hated it. I hated myself and I hated him. I hated God, too. I was so confused, angry, and hurt. I blamed myself, because it was my fault. I played the “if only” game. I became bound by shame and darkness. I closed myself off from people. I hated life. I don't know how I made it through the months that followed.

Right away, I began self injuring. I was told that if I was in an okay place, I could wait to start counseling again until the next semester. But, I was not fine. On top of the self injury, I was having suicidal thoughts. I began with a new counselor, a female, and hated it: hated her. I hated the reason I was there. I concealed from her that I was hurting myself, which didn't help me any.

When I went home for Thanksgiving break, I confided in some church ladies. They recommended I go talk to my doctor. So, I did. After I told her I was having suicidal thoughts, she told me I just needed sleep. I left out the part where I was hurting myself, because it was only minor: digging with my fingernails. She prescribed sleeping medicine, which I only took for a few days. I was sleeping all the time, and was just tired of sleeping.

When I went back to school, I began having thoughts about taking all of the sleeping medicine my doctor had prescribed. I was scared I would do it, so I had my roommate hide it from me, only giving me one if I asked. The suicidal thoughts continued, and over the next three months, the self injury intensified. What started out with using my fingernails to scratch my arm turned into using a tack and then a safety pin to scratch my arm.

At this point in my life, I felt far away from God and felt without hope. I felt done for, like the demons had won. But, I continued, for some reason, to hang in there. The month of January was perhaps the lowest and darkest time of my life. There was a night where I didn't think I was going to make it through without killing myself. The self injury got more frequent and didn't seem like it was going to slow, or stop. I felt trapped, alone, fearful, and so ashamed.

During the month of January, I began going to a new church. But, I was so far from God, church was just a duty at that point. When I was there, I would be standing there during worship, my insides screaming. All I wanted to do was run out of there and yell at the top of my lungs that there was no God. But, something held me back.

By the end of January, nothing had changed. Things were still a mess with me. The first weekend in February, my wing and I were supposed to go on a retreat to one of the girls' houses in Ohio. Because of a snowstorm on that Friday, we couldn't go. So, I was able to go to church on Sunday.

Going to church that morning, nothing was new. I did not expect anything to happen or to change. Again, church was a duty.

That morning, my insides seemed a little quieter, and the urge to run was not as strong. When the pastor got to the pulpit to preach, he told us that he was going to give a different sermon than what he had prepared. He said the Holy Spirit would not leave him alone, and he knew that God had a message for someone, but he didn't know who.

He talked about how we are not alone: how we may be in the most difficult battle of our lives, but we are not without help. I needed to hear that. I was feeling so alone just in that week. He also talked about how the enemy might say, “I've got you!” but he never has us, because God has us in His hands. That was also something I needed to hear, because just that week I had been feeling like the enemy had me in his hand and there was no escape. I felt trapped and hopeless, as if there was no way back to God.

Everything in the pastor's sermon that morning was for me, I'm convinced. God knew what I needed to hear and so spoke it. During the altar call, I went, weeping. At the altar, someone prayed for me, and then another. Afterward, I just sat there in a seat, not sure why I was still there. I felt drained, but not like I could leave yet. A man came and asked me if I got what I needed that morning. I mumbled that I did not know. He sat next to me and asked me what was wrong. I told him a few of the things I was struggling with, and he introduced me to the worship leader. She sat down next to me, and listened while I told her what I was struggling with. She then prayed for me, calling the suicide and self injury what they were: demons. She cast them out in the name of Jesus, and pleaded His blood over me. I felt something break in me. That morning, I walked into the church service as one person, and left a completely different person. I have not been the same since.

Up until that day, I did not want to feel any of the emotions I was covering with anger. I did not want to deal with any of the gross stuff that was inside me, even though I knew I needed to. But, I felt I was ready. I felt I had a new determination and strength.

After that Sunday, I began talking to God. I began having a real relationship with Him. I had a desire to get to know Him as Dad, so I did. At one point, I was at work, doing my job, talking to Him as I worked. I was telling Him that I knew that I needed to deal with the stuff that was inside, but I didn't know how to without hating myself. That's the reason I refused to deal with it before then. I didn't need another reason to hate myself. I heard Him speak to me, saying, “Mindy, I see you, I know you, and I love you. I know the junk that is in your heart and I love you anyway. You don't have to hate yourself.” I was amazed. So, I didn't have to hate myself, huh?

The following week in chapel, the speaker confirmed what God had told me a week earlier. He said, “When we are before Christ, we can look at ourselves honestly, because He sees us, He knows us, and He loves us anyway.”

The next counseling session, I was ready. We dug deep into the hard stuff. My counselor and I must have been really in tune with God, because at the same time I realized that counseling was like being refined, she told me that counseling is like being on the threshing floor. After that, I had found some verses that talk about being threshed: Jeremiah 51:33 “For thus saith Jehovah of hosts, the God of Israel: The daughter of Babylon is like a threshing-floor at the time when it is trodden; yet a little while, and the time of harvest shall come for her.”, and refined: Isaiah 48:10 “See, I have refined you, but not as silver is refined; rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering/ chosen you in the furnace of affliction.” I knew God was refining me, and it hurt. The fire was hot. But, I knew it was the only way. And I was willing to go through it, knowing that He was there with me. I didn't come to understand this verse until just the other day. When God refines us, He can't refine us like other things. The furnace of suffering involves bringing up painful things from the depths of our being. These are things that we have hidden for so long because we don't want to deal with them. That's the suffering part.

For the next few months, my counselor and I dug our way through some tough stuff. I wrestled with difficult things and she helped me understand some things I had not understood before. I began having victory after victory as months passed and I resisted the self injury. I began to find who I was in Christ and become confident in who I was as a woman. I had always rejected my femininity because of the sexual abuse and wanting to appear tough. But, I began to see that it was okay to accept my femininity and even enjoy it. I love being a woman now!

The reason all of this started goes back to my distorted view of sex. Since my turnaround point, I have come to realize that sex is nothing to fear, nor is it bad. It is good, and that's how God created it. I'm still trying to unlearn and relearn what sex is and how it was intended, but at least I'm open to it. Before, I never wanted to discuss it.

Another change that has taken place is in associating with my male peers. I had always avoided them, for fear of rejection and hurt like in high school. I have finally come to a place where I think they're okay. These guys aren't like the ones in high school. I also am more confident in myself, so it doesn't matter what they think. I'm open to dating one and eventually would love to get married. I'm no longer afraid of guys.

This summer brought another change. For so long I had wrestled with not having a dad. For some reason, this longing has been the worst in my college years. This last year, God brought me to a place where I had to surrender unto Him my longings and let Him fill them. It was very difficult, and I wrestled and fought Him on it. Finally though, I came to a place of surrender. I let Him fill those longings and meet those needs that my earthly father could never fill, and I found that it was good.

Around April, I felt that I wanted to send my dad a letter. I thought about it for awhile, and then discussed it with my roommate. She seemed to be okay with it, so I discussed it with my counselor and a few other trusted friends. All doors seemed open. The only one I had to go through yet was my mom. I talked to her last, and surprisingly got her support. She said she sensed a strength in me that wasn't there before. I was speechless.

I continued to think about things regarding contacting my dad and discussed them with my counselor. At the end of the school year, I felt confident in sending a letter. I finally sent it in June after 18 years of no contact with my dad. My letter told him that it was okay if he wanted to contact me, but that if the letter was our only form of communication (if he didn't write back), then I wanted him to know that I forgave him.

With the letter sent, I felt I could finally move on and leave the past in the past. I wasn't expecting anything back from my dad, but a week later, there was a letter in my mailbox. Since getting this letter, I have sent him a second letter, received pictures of him and my half-sister, and have talked to him on the phone. It is the beginning of restoring this relationship. God really is restoring the years the locusts ate between me and my dad. I'll meet him one day soon, but I'm not ready yet. I'm still processing what has occurred so far. It's so surreal.

I finish writing this testimony on the 7 month anniversary of when my life was changed and saved because God thought I was worth it. It has been 7 months since I have last self injured or had a suicidal thought. I have been living for 7 months in the freedom that God intended for me to have. I love the number 7. It is the Lord's number, which means 'perfection' and 'wholeness'. God has indeed made me whole, which is something I thought I'd never see.

Psalm 30:11 “You turned my wailing into dancing; You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.”

In the beginning of my Junior year of college, I felt God say to me one day, “Mindy, you are going to carry out Isaiah 61 in other people's lives, but first I need to carry it out in your life.” I was amazed. I had always loved Isaiah 61. But, was I really going to carry it out in other people's lives?

Well, I feel He has done Isaiah 61 in my life. Isaiah 61:1-4 says:

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,

for the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
and to proclaim that captives will be released
and prisoners will be freed.

He has sent me to tell those who mourn
that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,
and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.

To all who mourn in Israel,

he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins,
repairing cities destroyed long ago.
They will revive them,
though they have been deserted for many generations.

On July 11 of this summer, 2010, I was supposed to be in Fort Wayne for a concert. But, every attempt to get there failed. I went to church on that morning and during worship, a word stuck out to me. It was the word 'presence'. I wasn't sure why, and decided to think about it later. Well, of course I didn't think about it later, because in my attempts to get to Fort Wayne for the evening, it slipped my mind. I went to church that night, after not being able to get to Fort Wayne. During worship, the word 'presence' again stuck out to me. I asked God about it, and He told me that I was going to have a ministry called 'Presence' Ministries. It will be based off of Isaiah 61, and its purpose will be to bring freedom/deliverance to men, women, and children through the glory of God's power and presence.

As you can imagine, I was speechless. But, if God said it, I was going to believe it. Well, I was at home the week before school stared, and one day was cleaning my room. I found an old journal, and began flipping through its pages. I came to one dated July 23, 2006. As I read through the page, the day came back to me in my mind. I was in church, getting ready to serve in the nursery that morning. A woman approached me and said that she and her husband had really been feeling that God had something special in store for me: that God had a ministry for me. As I read this, my memory went straight to that day this summer when God revealed to me the ministry. It was nearly 4 years ago to the date.

I really feel God has given me a ministry. If not, none of this stuff in my life would have a purpose, and God has a purpose for everything. I am excited to continue on this journey and see where God takes me and how He uses me. I have learned to trust Him, and I know He is good and that He won't lead me astray. “God, here I am. Use me as you please.”

Monday, August 30, 2010

Family Resemblances

I have been seeing lately that I am becoming more and more like my mom with each passing day. It's strange to see these similarities, because I am my own person. I have been seeing resemblances to her in my voice, smile, and even some of my actions.

As I realized this, God spoke to me about my resemblance to Him. Am I becoming more and more like my Heavenly Father as each day passes? Do I act like He would? Do I talk like He would? Am I reflecting Him like I reflect my mom?

I have been adopted into the family of Christ, therefore, God is my Father. When others look at me, do they see the Family resemblance?

Friday, August 13, 2010

Insomnia

It's 6:00 AM and I'm still awake. I'm tired, but I can't seem to sleep. So, I thought I would write some of my thoughts to hopefully get them out of my head and maybe allow for some sleep to enter.

It's mostly about my dad. I have so many emotions. Fear. Excitement. Nervousness. Anxiousness. And then it all seems so surreal. I want someone to pinch me so I'll wake up and find it's all been a dream.

Or do I?

Sometimes, I think to myself, "Why'd you open the door?"

I mean, it felt right. Nothing seemed to stand in the way and shout, "STOP! DON'T! THIS IS THE WRONG WAY AND WRONG TIME!" Everything seemed to confirm that indeed this was the right time and to go ahead with contacting my dad.

So, why all of these doubts now? Maybe because it is so real now, and not just a dream. I have been dreaming of this for many, many years. And now that it's finally here, I don't know how to proceed. I mean, I guess when I sent that first letter, I wasn't expecting anything in return. I was hoping, but not counting on it. It was more for me to move on, letting the past remain where it belongs.

But now, this has become so much more than just putting the past to rest. It's developing into some sort of relationship. But, is it moving too fast? Am I ready?

The wave of bravery I felt when I called my dad for the first time in 18 years has subsided for now. In its place, I feel it has left ruin. Maybe it wasn't the right time to call him. Maybe I jumped ahead.

But, what's done is done. Now, I need another wave of bravery to let him know that I don't think I'm ready to meet him when I come home on August 17th. This has been the reason for my insomnia. One reason, at least.

I really want to meet him, but I'm just not sure this is the time. I'm not sure I'm ready.

Do you ever play that game with yourself where you play scenes in your head that haven't happened yet? You play them over and over again, differently each time, trying to figure out how something would go if you actually followed through with it. That's what I've been doing. And I just don't know if I'm ready to make that scene a reality.

He really wants to meet me, and seems to be very anxious about it. He may be ready, but am I? That is the question, and I'm afraid only I can answer it.

There are so many other things about my dad that are on my mind, but this is the major one right now. Oi.

Something else that is causing my insomnia is the fact that I'll be going home in T-4 days. I'm pretty nervous, anxious, fearful, and not excited about going home as things there are not great. My sister...oi. It's a very frustrating feeling to know that there is nothing that can be done for her. She's 19 and no one can do anything. She's a pretty angry person, and it hurts to see her so. I know the only thing I can do is pray, show her love and be Christ to her, but it's difficult when all there is is rejection. But, I guess that's how Jesus felt, huh?

My prayer for when I go home is that I will not revert back to any of my old ways. I also want to be able to show my family the love of Christ that is in me. "Papa, help me to do so. Grant me patience, peace, and rest, even in knowing that I can't do anything to change the situations. Thank you that you go before me and you walk beside me. Hold my hand, and carry me when I am weak. Let me continually be in your presence."

Sunday, August 8, 2010

"Um, hello? Uh, this is Awkward calling..."

So, I haven't written in a while. There has been some crazy stuff happening and it's all so surreal. If you remember, I wrote that I was going to send a letter to my dad after 18 years of no contact. Well, I did, and it went well. I have now sent two letters, only to receive two in return. When I went to write my third letter to him, I thought about calling him, but was seized with a lot of fear and doubt. Was maybe the next step a phone call? God had been talking to me a lot about flying. Was this what He meant? I don't know. The only thing I knew was I was afraid. And my doubts and fears were enough to almost stop me in my tracks.

I tried to get in touch with my counselor from this last year, and the night we were supposed to get together, an emergency came up and she had to cancel. I was still wrestling with what my next step should be. All the while I'm wrestling, I couldn't help but be reminded about flying and how God has taught me how to and the word that I received through my friend the night the baby robin landed on my bicycle handlebar. It was driving me nuts. Everywhere I went, everything that flew stood out plain as day to me. So, when I felt a wave of bravery, I took off.

I called him. Completely unsure of what to say, almost praying he wouldn't answer, I held my breathe.

"Hello?"
"Uh, dad...this is Mindy."

If anything has ever been so awkward, this was it. I shook the entire time I was on the phone. I had no idea what to say or how to feel. We talked about how I was doing and about my half-sister, Tasha, who is going into Kindergarten this year. They were out buying her school supplies.

I have to admit, hearing him talk about her is difficult, because he missed out on my growing up years. But, the past is in the past. This is a new day.

He said he was proud of me and he had to give my mom credit for how she raised me and my sister on her own. He talked about how he's losing his job at the end of the month and is going to look for another one, and about how he is sure God will provide.

There was so much in this conversation, that I can't even process it. It seems so surreal. I wasn't sure how to feel. He told me that he would give me a call that weekend to see how I was doing. I didn't bank on it, because I didn't want to get my hopes up.

And on Friday, he called.

I had put his number in my phone the first time I called him, since it went so well. When my phone rang Friday afternoon, I looked at the caller ID and it read, 'Dad'. I didn't know what to do, as I was taken off guard.

"Hello?"

It was awkward, again. I had no idea what to say and was kind of nervous. I mean, what do you say to your dad whom you haven't talked to in 18 years? "Hey, how ya doin? Where have you been the last 18 years?" It's so nerve-wracking. I have to be wise and careful in my words.

We talked again about Tasha and how the two of them go for bike rides and go fishing together...things I've always wanted to do with a dad. He talked about how she's so ready to go to Kindergarten, and how she wants to take her lunch and ride the bus to school. He said that he showed her a picture of when my sister and I were little, and it was Halloween. She pointed to me and said that it looked like her. We really do look alike. It's pretty cool, but also so strange.

He asked me what I want to do after college, and what I was doing this weekend. I told him, and he told me to have fun but be careful. Both times we've hung up, he has told me that he loves me. I said it back, and it sounds so weird to tell him that I love him.

All of this is so surreal. I'm still trying to process it. Is it really real? Is it a dream? Pinch me, just to make sure.

Ouch! Nope, I'm not dreaming.