Mishmash

The title of this post is birthed from the numerous thoughts running around in my head that have absolutely nothing to do with one another.

Thought #1
It's been an interesting few weeks. God is doing some crazy things, but I'm not sure exactly what. I just know it's been crazy. He keeps asking me this question: "Mindy, will you trust Me?" I keep not answering. I've been wrestling with doubt. I mean, I know He is good and trustworthy. I know He would never lead me somewhere where I would get hurt. He only has what is good for me. His plans are not to harm me.

So why do I doubt? He has proved me over and over, yet I still doubt when He calls me to walk without knowing where I'm going. I think I know how Abraham felt. And yet Abraham followed. He obeyed. What makes me think I'm any different from Abraham? God was faithful all the way in Abe's situation. Why do I think He won't be in mine?

I keep hearing Him whisper, "Mindy, will you trust Me?" His hand is outstretched, waiting for me to grab hold. I think I've linked pinkies with Him, but my hand is not fully intertwined with His. I think I'll get there, and thankfully, He is patient with me. I feel He wants to lead me to a place I never expected to go. He wants to do more healing: setting free. Do I trust Him enough to follow, and let Him lead?

Thought #2
Tonight was an interesting night. I rode in a car with four other girls to Wal-Mart and back. I was terrified. I felt like the driver was very distracted, and I feared hitting something or running off of the road.

But that wasn't my worst fear.

My worst fear was the police officers that I saw on our way to and from Wal-Mart. I don't like police officers, especially at night. I was afraid they were going to pull us over. I hate the flashing lights. I guess they don't have good memories.

I think one bad memory of police officers at night with their flashing lights was when they came and arrested my dad. It might have been that night that my mom, sister, and I were transported to the hospital in a police car, but I don't remember.

But maybe I'm starting to.

I know I was examined at the hospital (that night). I think I suppressed that. All these memories...I think they are beginning to surface. This goes back to Thought #1 where God is asking me to trust Him. Maybe He wants to unlock the part of my life that has been locked away so that He can bring complete healing and freedom.

And all He wants me to do is trust Him.

Thought #3
I'm thinking of meeting my dad over fall break, which is October 14th-17th. My birthday is the 18th. What a birthday present, huh?

This should be so much more of a bigger deal to me than it is. Maybe I just haven't quite processed it yet. I mean, how does one processes something like this? I mean, I've been talking to my dad over the phone since about the end of July after 18 years of nothing. Crazy? Surreal? You bet.

And now I'm thinking about meeting him. The emotions that go through me when I think about this are fear, excitement, nervousness, anxiousness, and anticipation. Did I mention fear? This is a really big decision, one that I've been thinking about for a while now. Meeting your dad after 18 years isn't something you do everyday.

There are so many questions I have, but I'm not sure if I'll get answers. This, like Thought #2, goes back to my Thought #1. He just wants me to trust Him (my Heavenly Father, that is). It's been said to me that, when praying for me, people can see me walking side by side, hand in hand with my Father. I know He goes before me and beside me, but it's still a little scary. I'm praying, though, that God will open or close this door according to His will. One determining factor in meeting my dad over fall break is finances. If the money is there to travel home, then I will go. But, if it is not there, I will not be meeting my dad yet.

Thought #4
We have a stall in the bathroom in our dorm that has blue paper on the walls. On one side, people can write their favorite scripture. I read one in there today that was from Isaiah 41:13. It reads, "For I hold you by your right hand - I, the Lord your God. And I say to you, 'Don't be afraid. I am here to help you.'"

This definitely speaks to me. In Thought #3, I talked about how people have told me that they can see me holding His hand, walking side by side. When I picture this, I think of Him holding my right hand. I had no idea this verse even said this, let alone existed. Maybe it's because I'm right handed, or maybe it's because He really does hold me by my right hand. Who knows? This verse does bring comfort, however. He is here to help me, whether by leading me or by comforting me. He tells me in this verse that I don't have any reason to be afraid because He is there, and when He is there, nothing can come near and harm me.

It's like the Shepherd and Much-Afraid in 'Hinds' Feet on High Places'. When members of her Fearing family come to taunt and harm her, all she has to do is call the Shepherd's name and He is there, causing her tormentors to flee to safety. He is intimidating to my enemy. When He's around, I don't have to fear. He is also good and will not harm me, which is why He says He is here to help me.

So, going back to my Thought #1, again I hear, "Mindy, will you trust Me? Will you take My hand and let Me lead?"