Insomnia

It's 6:00 AM and I'm still awake. I'm tired, but I can't seem to sleep. So, I thought I would write some of my thoughts to hopefully get them out of my head and maybe allow for some sleep to enter.

It's mostly about my dad. I have so many emotions. Fear. Excitement. Nervousness. Anxiousness. And then it all seems so surreal. I want someone to pinch me so I'll wake up and find it's all been a dream.

Or do I?

Sometimes, I think to myself, "Why'd you open the door?"

I mean, it felt right. Nothing seemed to stand in the way and shout, "STOP! DON'T! THIS IS THE WRONG WAY AND WRONG TIME!" Everything seemed to confirm that indeed this was the right time and to go ahead with contacting my dad.

So, why all of these doubts now? Maybe because it is so real now, and not just a dream. I have been dreaming of this for many, many years. And now that it's finally here, I don't know how to proceed. I mean, I guess when I sent that first letter, I wasn't expecting anything in return. I was hoping, but not counting on it. It was more for me to move on, letting the past remain where it belongs.

But now, this has become so much more than just putting the past to rest. It's developing into some sort of relationship. But, is it moving too fast? Am I ready?

The wave of bravery I felt when I called my dad for the first time in 18 years has subsided for now. In its place, I feel it has left ruin. Maybe it wasn't the right time to call him. Maybe I jumped ahead.

But, what's done is done. Now, I need another wave of bravery to let him know that I don't think I'm ready to meet him when I come home on August 17th. This has been the reason for my insomnia. One reason, at least.

I really want to meet him, but I'm just not sure this is the time. I'm not sure I'm ready.

Do you ever play that game with yourself where you play scenes in your head that haven't happened yet? You play them over and over again, differently each time, trying to figure out how something would go if you actually followed through with it. That's what I've been doing. And I just don't know if I'm ready to make that scene a reality.

He really wants to meet me, and seems to be very anxious about it. He may be ready, but am I? That is the question, and I'm afraid only I can answer it.

There are so many other things about my dad that are on my mind, but this is the major one right now. Oi.

Something else that is causing my insomnia is the fact that I'll be going home in T-4 days. I'm pretty nervous, anxious, fearful, and not excited about going home as things there are not great. My sister...oi. It's a very frustrating feeling to know that there is nothing that can be done for her. She's 19 and no one can do anything. She's a pretty angry person, and it hurts to see her so. I know the only thing I can do is pray, show her love and be Christ to her, but it's difficult when all there is is rejection. But, I guess that's how Jesus felt, huh?

My prayer for when I go home is that I will not revert back to any of my old ways. I also want to be able to show my family the love of Christ that is in me. "Papa, help me to do so. Grant me patience, peace, and rest, even in knowing that I can't do anything to change the situations. Thank you that you go before me and you walk beside me. Hold my hand, and carry me when I am weak. Let me continually be in your presence."