"Um, hello? Uh, this is Awkward calling..."

So, I haven't written in a while. There has been some crazy stuff happening and it's all so surreal. If you remember, I wrote that I was going to send a letter to my dad after 18 years of no contact. Well, I did, and it went well. I have now sent two letters, only to receive two in return. When I went to write my third letter to him, I thought about calling him, but was seized with a lot of fear and doubt. Was maybe the next step a phone call? God had been talking to me a lot about flying. Was this what He meant? I don't know. The only thing I knew was I was afraid. And my doubts and fears were enough to almost stop me in my tracks.

I tried to get in touch with my counselor from this last year, and the night we were supposed to get together, an emergency came up and she had to cancel. I was still wrestling with what my next step should be. All the while I'm wrestling, I couldn't help but be reminded about flying and how God has taught me how to and the word that I received through my friend the night the baby robin landed on my bicycle handlebar. It was driving me nuts. Everywhere I went, everything that flew stood out plain as day to me. So, when I felt a wave of bravery, I took off.

I called him. Completely unsure of what to say, almost praying he wouldn't answer, I held my breathe.

"Hello?"
"Uh, dad...this is Mindy."

If anything has ever been so awkward, this was it. I shook the entire time I was on the phone. I had no idea what to say or how to feel. We talked about how I was doing and about my half-sister, Tasha, who is going into Kindergarten this year. They were out buying her school supplies.

I have to admit, hearing him talk about her is difficult, because he missed out on my growing up years. But, the past is in the past. This is a new day.

He said he was proud of me and he had to give my mom credit for how she raised me and my sister on her own. He talked about how he's losing his job at the end of the month and is going to look for another one, and about how he is sure God will provide.

There was so much in this conversation, that I can't even process it. It seems so surreal. I wasn't sure how to feel. He told me that he would give me a call that weekend to see how I was doing. I didn't bank on it, because I didn't want to get my hopes up.

And on Friday, he called.

I had put his number in my phone the first time I called him, since it went so well. When my phone rang Friday afternoon, I looked at the caller ID and it read, 'Dad'. I didn't know what to do, as I was taken off guard.

"Hello?"

It was awkward, again. I had no idea what to say and was kind of nervous. I mean, what do you say to your dad whom you haven't talked to in 18 years? "Hey, how ya doin? Where have you been the last 18 years?" It's so nerve-wracking. I have to be wise and careful in my words.

We talked again about Tasha and how the two of them go for bike rides and go fishing together...things I've always wanted to do with a dad. He talked about how she's so ready to go to Kindergarten, and how she wants to take her lunch and ride the bus to school. He said that he showed her a picture of when my sister and I were little, and it was Halloween. She pointed to me and said that it looked like her. We really do look alike. It's pretty cool, but also so strange.

He asked me what I want to do after college, and what I was doing this weekend. I told him, and he told me to have fun but be careful. Both times we've hung up, he has told me that he loves me. I said it back, and it sounds so weird to tell him that I love him.

All of this is so surreal. I'm still trying to process it. Is it really real? Is it a dream? Pinch me, just to make sure.

Ouch! Nope, I'm not dreaming.