2010

This year has been full of surprises. It has been a difficult year and a very rewarding year. If you've kept up with me, I am approaching 11 months that I have gone without cutting. That's quite the accomplishment, considering it is not a very easy thing to abstain from. You also know that 2009 brought a new school year, as well as a new school. Taylor University Fort Wayne closed in May of 2009, and I transferred to Taylor Upland for the rest of my schooling. It's been quite a transition. But, it's been a good one. I never would have chosen this path for myself, but then again I'm not God. He knows what's best for me, even when I think that I do. Taylor Upland has been a great place for me to be in this time of my life. I have found many people there who love me and support me, to which I am very grateful. Each person has found a very special place within my heart.

But, this year has also had it's surprises. Things have happened that I never imagined, namely, meeting my dad. I sent him a letter on June 14. I got one back the following week with a picture of my half-sister. I sent him another one a few weeks later, and again received another one, this time with pictures of him and his family. After a few weeks, I called him and we spoke on the phone for the first time. We talked by phone until October. Then, I met him on October 16, two days before my 22 birthday. It had been 18 years since I had seen him. It was a good meeting (you can read about it on my blog or in a note on Facebook). But, a lot of things have come up since meeting him...a lot of things I didn't anticipate. It's just another step in this healing journey, though...another thing for me to overcome.

But, before 2010 is over, I had one more thing to do: one more big thing...meeting my half-sister. She looks like me, don't you think? I sure think so. We met on December 26. I also met my step-mom, who is a very nice lady. Tasha, my sister, and I got along pretty well. I think she likes me. She's one of those kids who has to warm up to you on her own terms, you can't force yourself upon her. I had no problem with that. I mean, she's 5 and it was pretty awkward. We had a very good meeting though. We laughed, played games (tick-tac-toe, hangman, and the dot game), and I talked a little to my dad and step-mom. My mom was with me, so that helped to have her talking to them as well. It took the pressure off of me, which was good.

But, am I crazy? Is this real? All of this is so surreal. It feels like a dream that I'm going to wake up from any minute. Someone pinch me so I know that I'm not dreaming. I can't tell reality from imaginary anymore. I'm feeling pretty lost and confused, not to mention disoriented. I'm only hoping I can find my way back soon. I'm tired of this darkness.

I know that I will find the way out soon. I know so many things, and I know I'm not putting them into practice. But, please understand me. I'm not myself right now. I know a lot of you are trying to help me, but you can't. You can pray, listen to me, and just love me for where I am and who I am right now. I wish there were a magic word to make this all go away, but there's not. It is simply going through it and giving in to whatever needs to happen, whether that's remembering, writing, drawing...doing the things that I need to do. And I'm sorry that I am not who you want me to be. I hate it. You don't know how frustrating it is for me. Living in the dorms is so frustrating right now because I feel so withdrawn, and I'm sorry to the girls on 3CE because I know I haven't been the best 'wing mate' this year. It's exhausting to try and be there when I'm not really there. I'm already exhausted...but I don't want to make excuses, and this sounds like excuses. So, I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm making a bunch of excuses, and maybe they are, I don't know. I really don't even know who the real me is. I don't think I've ever known. I've either been child Mindy, adult Mindy, numb Mindy, scared Mindy, or angry Mindy. And I'm sorry if none of this makes sense, because it's all crazy to me, too. I've been told it makes sense, but it's still so frustrating to me. I just want to know who I really am and I just want help.

So, I think I got off on a tangent there, but, oh well. This year has brought many changes, as you have been reading about. But, again, the biggest one and the most difficult one was opening my life up to my dad. It will be interesting to see what 2011 brings. I'll be graduating in May, and then I'm not sure where the Lord will lead me. I'm just glad that, even in the midst of this chaos, His truth remains, even when I don't believe it. One truth is that He has my best interest in mind, and He knows what He is doing. He has a plan that is good and that is to prosper me and not to harm me. Now, if only I can learn to rest in that and let Him take me where I need to go and stop being stubborn. Maybe 2011 will be the start of this. I can shoot for it, anyway.