I Dare Us...

All too often, we (myself included) live based on how we feel, regardless of the truth.

But, what if we lived like the Princes and Princesses that we are?

What if we lived the way Christ died for us to live?

What would happen if we lived as though we believed that we are redeemed. holy. pure. loved. free. righteous. healed. set apart. special. blessed. forgiven. sanctified. clean. secure. justified. secure. beautiful. not condemned. chosen. adopted. complete. whole. blameless...?

What would it change if we lived the truth for just one day, regardless of how we felt?

I dare us. 

Divine Appointments

For some reason this morning when I was in the shower, I was thinking about the course of the last two years of my life. I recognized something - a divine truth that, if I let it pierce my heart, could possibly change

1. how I see God,
2. my level of trust in Him, and
3. my awareness of how He truly is working everything out for my good.

 I first came to California in July of 2011. The story of how I got here is nothing but God ordering my steps. I had graduated from college in May and spent the next month and a half going from home to a friend's house a few hours away, back home, then back to this friend's house. In the beginning-ish of July, I was planning on spending a week with my best friend. After that week was up, which put me at July 14th, I had no idea where I was going to go. I was in the process of applying to a program to help me deal with some things in my life, and the application process was a waiting game; a very l---o---n---g waiting game.

The week before I was to head to my best friend's house, I got a Facebook message from a friend from college. It had been two years since we had seen each other; since our college closed. After the closure, she moved back to CA to attend a university there, while I remained in Indiana to follow my major to the university it transferred to. While in college, and in keeping in touch after the transfers, we had joked about me coming to CA to visit. I say joking because financially, it never was going to happen. That's why her Facebook message was a surprise.

She wrote that she and her mom wanted to bring me out to CA sometime that summer to visit for a week or two. I began to explain what the application process I was going through was looking like when her mom started chatting with me. So, I began to explain to her as well that process and the uncertainty of when I would get into the program. She responded by asking if I would be able to get to the airport that next Thursday. The date was to be July 14th. Unbeknownst to her, that was the day I would be leaving my best friend's house and had no idea where I was going. All of a sudden, that question was answered, and I was going to CA.

So, on July 14th, 2011, I flew to CA for a visit that I didn't know how long would last. They left the return flight open so I could return to IN whenever.

Four days after I arrived to CA, on July 18th, I received a phone call that my cousin passed away in a car accident. I was stunned. I had no idea what to do: stay in CA or return to IN for the funeral. After receiving wise counsel from some trusted sources, I chose to remain in CA, difficult as it was. I knew that if I returned to IN, I would not be able to handle my grief the way I needed to. I knew I would try to fix my family, because I'm a fixer. (2 years and some months later and I still want to fix my family.) I knew that if I went back to IN, my grief would literally kill me. So, I stayed, choosing to believe that God had brought me to CA for quite possibly those very reasons.

Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. I was in CA for three months before I flew back to IN. During that time, as I realized I was in CA for an unknown period of time, I sought out a church to attend. My friend's mom told me of Sierra Bible Church, so that's where I went.

In October, I received a call from Mercy Ministries, the place I was applying to, saying that I was accepted into the program and into the house in St. Louis, MO, (one of four Mercy homes in the U.S.) and needed to be ready to go at any time. So, I flew back to IN on October 15th. I stayed with my best friend for a few days, then stayed with another friend. On November 11th, I received a call from Mercy saying they had a spot for me and asking if I could be in St. Louis on the 15th. Thinking they were meaning December 15th, I said yes. They didn't mean December. They meant November. That was four days away. So many things had to happen in those four days; so many things had to happen in those four days that God had to orchestrate because if not, I wouldn't make it to St. Louis by the 15th.

And He did. He orchestrated beautifully those events that needed to happen. On November 15th, I arrived at Mercy Ministries in St. Louis and began a six month life-changing journey. At the end of those six months, I needed a place to live. Home wasn't a great option, so I sought out other places. All the places in IN that I knew of as possibilities were absolutely not possibilities. All of those doors were shut. My friend and her mom that I visited with in CA kept in contact with me during my time at Mercy. During that searching period, I told her mom of my dilemma. She said, "You know the door is always open. You can always come and live with us." Not wanting to move that far away from family and friends, I kept looking for somewhere in IN. But, no doors opened. None even cracked open a bit. All but one. I had the option to live with my aunt, but it just didn't seem like the obvious choice. Even though I cried and begged and pleaded with God, CA was the obvious choice, even to my aunt.

So, I decided on CA. When a girl is getting ready to graduate from the program, her counselor does her best to set her up with an accountability partner from the church she is going to be attending. After deciding on CA, the next question I was asked was what church I would be attending, if I knew. The only church I knew of was the one I visited that summer, Sierra Bible Church. So, my counselor called and inquired if there was anyone who might be a possible accountability partner for me. No one responded, so she called twice more. Finally, the day before I graduated, a woman called who just so happened to be the Leader of Women's Ministries at the church. She was interested. We talked for a few minutes about what Mercy was and what the accountability would look like. I told her that I would be moving to CA in June, and she told me we wouldn't be able to meet until July. With that, we hung up and the next day, I graduated from Mercy Ministries.

I moved to CA on June 12th, and met this woman the next month. It has been over a year now since we first met and I cannot begin to explain how it has been a God connection. She has been an amazing accountability partner, going above and beyond that 'duty'. I am so grateful to have her in my life.

But, who knows if we would have been connected if I had not been in CA a year prior and had attended that church.

I want to go back to the Facebook chat I had with my friend and her mom as we discussed bringing me to CA. I did not know what was going on on the other side of the computer screen, but later that summer, they told me.
They didn't really have the money to bring me out there. And they knew I didn't have any money because I wasn't working. Knowing that, as they sat in the same room, talking to me on Facebook at the same time, they both agreed that they just had to bring me out. There was no question. They HAD to bring me to CA. They didn't know why, but they knew they had to.

And I didn't know why, either. I questioned that all summer. But, as I was reflecting in the shower this morning, I realized that it was because God had a plan. He had some divine appointments for me then and now that probably never would have happened had I not come that summer in 2011. Even though I didn't understand, nor was I able to foresee the future, God did and He could.

How many divine appointments do I miss because I refuse to trust God and go blind; go where I don't want to or when I don't understand? I know this post was long, but it shows me that God has a plan and if I will just trust Him regardless if I understand or not, it will turn out for the good; for my good.

With God, nothing is coincidence. It's all divinely appointed.

Desiring _(fill in the blank)_ More Than God

This is not one of those posts that will end up in my church's bulletin. This is not one of those posts that will ever be published in a devotional. This is definitely not one of those posts that has the answer. This is a post that comes straight from my heart and my real wrestling with God.

Last night, God and I were having a conversation. The way He speaks sometimes makes me question if it's really Him, or if I'm just making things up. But, I think last night was Him because of the discomfort I felt. 

I've been wrestling with God about something that I want. You'd be right if you said it was something I'm desperate for. I want healing. I want healing to course through my body and change it. And I know God can do it. He can do anything. But no amount of praying or seeking Him or worshiping is bringing that healing. Nor is my level of desperation. 

What will it take for God to heal me?

I ask that question as if my healing is conditional. Maybe I think it is. Maybe I think that if I pray enough, worship enough, love Him enough, do more, seek Him more, thank Him for my healing, claim my healing, have faith...more and enough that He will finally be appeased and heal me. 

All I know is that what I'm doing isn't working because I'm not healed. And in my conversation with God last night, He asked a tough question; a question that has been plaguing my mind for a while now, but I finally stopped ignoring:

"Do you want healing more than Me?"

Sometimes, He leaves me speechless. This was one of those times.

And in my raw honesty, I said "Yes".

And thus a challenge is posed to want God more than the healing I'm so desperately longing for. The decision should be easy, right? I would expect myself to jump up and shout, "No! God, I want You more!!!" and be completely okay if my body is never healed because God means more to me than anything, even that.

But, that's not where I am. I'm wrestling. I still want my body to be healed desperately and yes, maybe even more than I want God. I'm not sure what to do with the fact that I'm desiring Him to do something more than I'm desiring Him.

Maybe I just keep wrestling, seeking, praying, worshiping, hoping, waiting, and being completely, rawly honest with Him.

Dying To Bring Life

I feel like I have written what I'm about to write before, but I couldn't find it on this blog, so maybe I never wrote it on here.

Anyway.

Fall is one of my favorite seasons. I love the changing colors of leaves, watching them fall from the trees, and hearing them crunch beneath my feet.

Sometimes God uses the strangest things to talk to me about some pretty amazing things. When I was in college, I was sitting in a Bible class, watching the leaves fall from the tree outside the window. As I sat and observed, God showed me how the leaves had to die and fall off the tree to make room for the new ones that would come in spring. If the old ones didn't die and fall off, there wouldn't be a place for the new leaves.

Isn't this a picture of Christ's death and the life that it brings us? Jesus died on a tree. He had to die so that I could have life.

Beauty from Destruction

I went on a camping trip back in June to Cherry Lake, CA. It was beautiful beyond words. The three days I was there were filled with hiking, exploring, canoeing, kayaking, fishing, swimming, tubing, laughing, and relaxing. I enjoyed myself immensely.

On one of the days I decided to canoe over to the island that was in the middle of the lake. I pulled the canoe onto the shore and set off to explore the small island. As I was walking on the rocks near the water, I found a lot of driftwood, but I also found this piece of wood. You can see that termites have gotten to it and have done their damage.

My thought as I examined this piece of wood was, it's amazing that something so destructive can create something so beautiful. I realized that this is true in our lives if Christ is present. He says that He will bring beauty from ashes. In Genesis 50:20, Joseph tells his brothers, "You meant evil for me, but God meant it for good...." Many times, we don't see the beauty that is going to come from the destruction; we only see the destruction. I know it's true in my life. I don't always see that something beautiful is going to come from the destruction that is currently happening. But, the truth is that with Christ, He is going to bring beauty from the destruction. We can hold onto that promise in the midst of the chaos and destruction.

Created to Reflect - A Lesson from the Moon

Tonight as I was riding in the car to go into town, I was admiring the moon. It was a waxing crescent moon, and it was beautiful. It was cool, because I could still see the rest of the moon, though it was dark. My friend and I were talking about the moon and I mentioned how it was so cool that it reflected the sun. It dawned on me that the moon gets its light from the sun; it has no light of its own. Space.com says we see the moon because of reflected sunlight.

As I was talking about how the moon reflects the sun's light, it hit me: I was created to reflect the Son's light. Ephesians 5:8 says, "For once you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord". Just like the moon is dark without the light from the sun, I am dark without His light. I was created to reflect. When I don't reflect His light, I'm not fulfilling my purpose.

Think about what light does. It dispels darkness. It enables us to see. It brings life. It causes things to grow.

It enables us to see.

When you or I reflect His light, others can see Him. We were created to reflect. So, let His light reflect off of you to show the way for others.

Blind Trust

I learned a valuable lesson today through my broken camera.

A few months ago, I dropped my camera. That action messed up something inside the camera that made the screen go black. I found that if I hit the camera with my hand, the screen would come back on. It stayed on throughout several spontaneous photo shoots.

Until this afternoon.

I went with some friends on a drive up Ebbetts Pass and Monitor Pass. We were trying hard to capture the last of the stunning fall colors throughout God's beautiful, mountainous country of the Sierra Mountains. My camera did fine until we stopped for lunch. Then, the screen went black. No amount of banging would bring it back to life.

I was bummed because I love photography, and I was frustrated because I could not see what I was shooting. I could have stopped taking pictures, even though I knew my camera was still capable of taking them, but I chose to trust blindly. I continued taking pictures in the hope that they would turn out.

How many times does God ask us to have blind trust? To go without knowing? To leap without seeing? And how many times do we obey? (I'm talking to myself here, too.)

How many times do we miss out on what God has for us all because we refuse blind trust...because we won't continue taking pictures even though we can't see what we're shooting at?

My photos turned out beautifully, by the way. Maybe it's not so bad to trust blindly. There's beauty to be surprised by when we do.

"And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left." -Isaiah 30:31 ESV

Throw it Aside

I don't know about you, but when I run, I can't have anything in my hands, on my back, in my pockets....I don't know that I could run in sweatpants, either. If I am going to run, I can't have anything encumbering me.

Dictionary.com's definition of encumber is

"to weigh down; to impede or hamper the function or activity of"

Hebrews 12:1 admonishes us to

"strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecessary weight) and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us." (AMP)

The same is true for life as it is for running: if there are things weighing you down or impeding you, you aren't going to run well. We have to throw aside every encumbrance, including the sin that so easily trips us up.

And we can do that! God's grace allows us to throw off the sin! He has forgiven us, so we don't have to hold onto it anymore.

Here is something I wrote back in August of this year that goes so very well with this.

"I walked into church this morning feeling like a pack horse. 

And I was.

I had my purse, jacket, water bottle, Bible bag, and keys in hand, on my shoulder, and in my arms.

I went into the sanctuary and found a seat, but just stood there with my "stuff" while worship began. In a few minutes, I finally put it all down. 

Then, my arms and I were free to clap and raise my hands."

I couldn't worship with all that stuff in my hands, on my shoulders, and in my arms. It was encumbering. Neither can we run the race set before us if we are holding onto a bunch of stuff.

Pack horses can't run. So, throw it all aside and run!

Testimony

I was in the dark. I sank further into it with each step I took. And I didn't care.

All it took to get me here were some words from other people that frustrated my own doubts and confusion. Satan is wily that way.

I began doing things I had never done before...drinking, to name one. I only really drank one time, and only to the point of being buzzed. Why? To try and escape what I was feeling...to escape all the confusion and chaos I found myself in. I was two steps from leaving the church and abandoning my First Love.

And I could do nothing about it.

I didn't know how to get myself out. I just couldn't. The enemy spoke his lies into my head and heart and I believed them.

I know how David felt. There are many pages in my journal, one after another, of me crying out to God in that time..."How long, Lord? When? I can't pull myself out...I don't know how to get myself out of this" was my cry. I could have written some of the Psalms.

And in the midst of my chaos, confusion, doubts, fears, raw honesty about where I was, frustration, rebellion...God was there. He was faithful when I was not. He chased me when I ran. He heard and answered my cry for help. He pulled me out of that pit I found myself in and forgave me. He restored me unto Himself and is continuing to restore me. He spoke through a woman I didn't know, and she didn't know me. She told me I needed to draw a line in the sand and not let the enemy come any further.

And I did.

Because of that decision, the Holy Spirit has come and girded me with strength and determination: determination that I had lost. I am fighting back. I am an overcomer! I am victorious! I will stand and not be moved! I am tired of my inconsistency. With God's help, I am changing. Praise God, He does not condemn me, so I do not have to be condemned! He is revealing Himself to me and it is good!

Praise God, He doesn't leave us in our pits!

Look Alike

I have been told many times that I look like my mom. Other people say I look like my dad. Still others hold the opinion that I look like my aunt. I think I look like them all. If I look in the mirror, I see a little of my mom, some of my dad, and a bit of my aunt in me. I bear their image because I am related to them.

Mostly, I see my mom in me. I'll say something and it sounds just like my mom. You know what I'm talking about. It happens to us all.

I may reflect the image of those I'm immediately related to, but do I reflect the image of God?
Genesis 1:27 (ESV) says,

"So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them."

I am made in His image. But, that's not the image I'm talking about.

First Corinthians 15:49 (NIV) says,

"And just as we have borne the likeness of the earthly man, so shall we bear the likeness of the man from heaven."

The Word of God says that I am His child. I am related to Him. Do I resemble Him?
 When others look at me, do they see Him? When they hear me talk, does it sound like Him? Do my actions resemble His actions?

Do I look like Him?

If I Knew What David Knew

I love how when we read the Scriptures, sometimes a verse jumps out at us, leaving us stunned in its wake. That's what happened to me this morning in my Bible reading time.

I recently picked back up my Bible reading plan that I received at Mercy Ministries. This morning I was reading in Psalms; Psalm 108, to be exact. It's a Psalm of David. In verse 12, he is crying out for help against the enemy. Listen to his cry:

"Give us help against the adversary, for vain is the help of man."

 Now hear his words in verse 13:

"Through and with God we shall do valiantly, for He it is Who shall tread down our adversaries."

I read that many times over. It stunned me. Vain is the help of man. How true this is.

How many times do I look to man for help?
How often do I run to man for provision? For healing? For protection? For_(Fill in the blank)_?

Dictionary.com's definition of vain is as follows:

"without effect or avail; to no purpose; ineffectual or unsuccessful; futile; without real significance, value, or importance"

David knew that the only way to be victorious over the enemy was to look to God, not man. His words in verse 13 show this. He understood that no man could do what God could do for them. Only God can tread down our adversaries. Man's efforts are futile, incapable of producing any result. Oh, that I would know what David knew!

Running

I'm a runner.

Well, by my standards, I'm a runner. At least I'd like to think I'm a runner.

Anyway, sometimes when I run I play a game with myself. It's the game of, "Reach that tree (or mailbox, spot in the road, parked car, or any other thing ahead) and then you can stop and walk." But, even playing that game with myself doesn't get me to my destination of that tree or mailbox before I have to stop and walk.

In fact, I played that very game with myself tonight. I was running up a slight incline and looked ahead to some mailboxes. I told myself what I've told myself many times before on this run: "Reach that set of mailboxes and then you can stop and walk." For a moment, it propelled me up the incline. But not for long. I had to tell myself, "I can. I can." over and over again. I knew that if "I can't" crossed my mind, I wouldn't be able to. As I ran up that incline, I had those mailboxes in my sight.

But, I had to look down. I couldn't run up that incline and make it to those mailboxes if I was looking at them. Why? Because they seemed too far away.

By looking at my feet, I was able to keep moving, step-by-step, knowing that I would reach those mailboxes, but not freaking out about how far away they seemed. Before, when I saw how far away they seemed, I gave up.

I think that, lately, I've been looking at my goal...healing, perfection, wholeness....and it's been freaking me out about how far away they seem to be. And I've been tempted to quit. Just like with running, I need to take my eyes off of that goal and place them on the feet in front of me. Now, obviously I was running alone, so it was my own feet I needed to put my eyes on. But, running in this race we call the Christian life, we have Jesus's feet in front of us to keep our eyes on. He is running this with us, every step of the way. If we keep our eyes on Him (His feet, in this case), we won't be freaked out by how far away the end prize seems.

And we won't be tempted as much to give up. We'll keep running.

A Manless God

Our experiences tend to shape our views of God, right? Unfortunately, they do. I know mine have. My experiences with my parents are just one of the many things that have shaped my view of God. But, God has been working to redeem the way that I view Him and I have to say that I am grateful for it. It makes my walk with Him much easier.

When I was growing up, if I made my mom mad (I grew up without my dad), she sometimes gave me the silent treatment until I apologized, or told me that she didn't want me in her sight, or one of a whole host of other things you shouldn't ever say to a child. Her words and actions to me established in me that when I do something wrong or make someone mad, I must do something to restore that relationship; something more than ask for forgiveness and say, "I'm sorry". I've been told a time or two that "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it. What else can I do?

In the midst of writing that last question, God reminded me that His anger lasts only a moment (Psalm 30:5). That's not been my experience with man. But, He is a manless God.

The concept of God being manless came to me the other night at church when the teacher was speaking from the Book of Jonah. (It's crazy when I get something completely different than what the teacher was trying to impart, but I'm glad it's good.) I was reading ahead of the teacher and came to Jonah 2:1-2. It's the beginning of Jonah's prayer to the Lord from the belly of the big fish. It says, 'Then Jonah prayed to the LORD his God from the belly of the fish, saying, "I called out to the LORD, out of my distress, and he answered me; out of the belly of Sheol I cried, and you heard my voice."' 

Jonah was in the belly of the fish because of his own disobedience. Yet, he cried to the Lord and the Lord not only heard him, but answered him. That was huge for me. If God was angry at Jonah for being disobedient, it only lasted a moment. He didn't proceed to ignore Jonah...all Jonah had to do was cry out and ask for forgiveness, which I'm sure he did in his crying out. He didn't have to strive to please the Lord to gain back the relationship.

Last week, a friend and I were having a conversation about punishment vs. discipline. She made a very good clarification that I appreciated and have not forgotten about. This part of Jonah reminds me of that distinction. God didn't punish Jonah, He disciplined Him. He doesn't punish us, either. Both Hebrews 12:6 and Proverbs 3:12 say that the Lord disciplines those He loves. First John 4:18 says, There is no fear in love,but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. I think I understand that verse now.

Anyway, I'm getting off track of where I wanted this to go. When I read those verses in Jonah, I realized that God is not like man. He is not like my mom. When I do something wrong, He doesn't ignore me until I repent and make it right. That's why Jesus died. I do need to ask for forgiveness for my sake, though. If I don't ask for forgiveness, it becomes impossible for me to continue on in relationship because of guilt and shame. But I don't think God leaves me or ignores me or does things like man might do. He is manless.

The suffix, 'less' means, "without (the thing mentioned)". So, God is without man. He is without man in the sense of man that we know, the man stained and broken by sin. And it is in that that I take comfort and can draw closer to my God, knowing that He is good and not like man that I know.

Fighting and Winning

I went for a run this evening for the first time in two months. What put me on pause was a sprained ankle. I think what caused the sprained ankle was God saying, "Mindy, I see you headed down this path of self-destruction and because you won't turn yourself around, I'm going to." Even though it frustrated me to no end, I'm glad He did. 

So, I'm about to start running on this track when I see my shadow. I thought to myself, I'll turn around when I start to run so my shadow will be behind me so I don't have to see it. And when I was about to start running, I turned around to run the opposite way. 

But then I turned back around after a few steps. I had realized something. 

Everything around me tells me I should hate my body because I'm 'fat' and curvy. I'm not a size 4, nor am I an XS (extra small). And, sadly, at times I find myself buying into it. I almost did tonight. 

I saw my shadow and knew that when I ran, I would see my hips bounce and I hated that thought. But when I turned around to run the opposite way, to not have to see my shadow, I realized that I was letting the

self-hate win. I had to fight. 

And by fighting, I won. 

This encourages me to keep fighting, not only against self-hatred regarding my body, but with other issues as well. If I fight, I win. But, if I turn and go the opposite way, I lose, and that other thing wins. 

I will fight. And I will win. No matter what it is. I will win. 

The Love of God

At one point, I thought I had 'gotten' God's love. I thought I had finally come to receive it. Well, I was wrong. If there has ever been a time in my life when I have truly felt God wooing me with His love, it's now. Maybe it's because of the book I'm reading, the music I'm listening to, or the people in my life that the topic of His love has so been on my mind and heart for a few weeks now. Whatever the case, I think the truth of His unconditional love is penetrating my heart. If it's not penetrating yet, it's definitely shaking the walls I've put up to guard it.

I've been reading John Eldredge's book, The Sacred Romance. My friend sent me a copy of it before she left for Sudan for a year, not knowing that I already had a copy of it, and had read it before. When I read it before, I blew through it, not gleaning much. This time, I've been taking my time through it.

Okay, I've got to tell a story before I can go further. I had read up to chapter 8 when I accidentally left it on top of the car and drove off. When I realized what I had done, I retraced my drive, but the book was nowhere to be found. I had another copy at home, but this one was special...my friend had written an inscription in it. The words she wrote were her hope for me as I read through the book. Even though her words are gone, the hope that was in them remains.

Before I lost the book, I was unintentionally straying from that hope. Her hope for me was to realize even more God's love for me. The opposite was happening. I was misunderstanding everything I was reading. My distorted interpretation was making God look like someone who was out to get me and who didn't care about me at all.

All of that changed when I lost the book. I had been highlighting things I felt were important, and all that was gone, too. So, I decided to start the book over with the other copy I had. Since I have, my friend's hope for me has, I think, begun to be realized. I have understood all that I previously misconstrued.

One of the things the authors of this book have been discussing is that so often, we come to believe that God's heart towards us is not good, just as our first parents (Adam and Eve) were tricked into believing. We are deceived into believing this through the things that happen to us. The authors talk about how, because we tend to relate to God as the author, and not a character in the story, we don't see His heart as good. We see Him as the author writing scripts for us that aren't exactly what we'd like. His scripts seem to include pain and suffering, trials and temptations. So, #1, we decide to write our own scripts and #2 decide life wouldn't be much different if there weren't a God.

But, the authors suggest that we look at God not as author, but as the Hero of the story. If we break His story into acts of a play, we see that in Act I, He exists in the Trinity, as He always has and always will. The Trinity is the relational intimacy we were all made for. Eldredge writes, "Overflowing with the generosity that comes from the abundance of real love, he creates us to share in the joy of this heroic intimacy."

In Act II, we have God's heart being betrayed. "Satan mounted rebellion through the power of one idea: God doesn't have a good heart."

In Act III, God's heart is put on trial. "In love God creates us for love and we give him the back of our hand. Why? Satan gets us to side with him by sowing the seed of doubt in our first parents' minds: "God's heart really isn't good. He's holding out on you. You've got to take things into your own hands." And Paradise was lost."

This next part is the part that stirs my heart and shakes the distorted view of God that I've developed. Eldredge writes:

"Yet there was something about the heart of God that the angels and our first parents had not yet seen. Here, at the lowest point in our relationship, God announces his intention never to abandon us but to seek us out and win us back. "I will come for you." Grace introduces a new element of God's heart. Up till this point we knew he was rich, famous, influential, even generous. Behind all that can still hide a heart that is less than good. Grace removes all doubt."

Through this book, I am seeing the fierce, unconditional, unrelenting love God has for us; that He has for me. Because of His love for me, He is willing to do whatever it takes to win me back. Eldredge shares something that was written in Ezekiel. It's God saying this, "I will answer you according to your idols [your false lovers] in order to recapture your heart."

One of the most amazing things is that God could have forced us to love Him. But, He knew that would not be real love. "In order for a true romance to occur, we had to be free to reject him." I can't imagine loving someone so much, so much that I would be willing to do anything to get them to love me, and yet they still refuse to. But, God has done that.

Another thing regarding His love for me that I've been thinking about is this from Romans 5:8

"but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Romans 5:6-8 in The Message reads this way:

"Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't  and doesn't  wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him."

If God sent His Son to die for me when I was still dead in my sin, why do I think I have to have it all together for Him now? The verse says that "He showed His love for us in that...." He loved me so much that He sent His son to die for me when I was still a sinner. It didn't matter to Him if I was a sinner or not. He loved me so much that Christ died. So, I can be confident that He loves me now, no matter what mess I find myself in, right?

The other night at my small group, I was leading worship. I played and sang the song, "How He Loves", for the second week in a row. This time when I was playing it, I felt the Holy Spirit whisper into my spirit, "You don't have to strive." I think so often, I strive to earn His love. I strive to be perfect, cleaned up, and good enough for Him to love. But, He loves me even at my worst and lowest times.

I think it's no strange thing that He is wooing me with His love right now. I need Him to woo me. If He doesn't, I'll probably run away. The season I'm in right now is a tough one, one of refining. Things are coming up and out of me that no one wants to admit are in their hearts and minds. And they are all the result of someone else's actions against me. But, no matter, Satan is pummeling me with his shame and guilt and disgust of myself.

And I'm fighting hard against his strong gales, but the shame is still there, begging me to give into it. I see God's wooing me as Him fighting for me. Because I am constantly thinking about His love and about how unconditional it is, and because He is constantly revealing it to me, I am able to not give in completely to the shame and despair I feel lurking in the darkness around me.

I don't know if I'm expressing all that I want to, or if I'm doing it the way I want to. God's love is not something you can put words to. I can't quite put words to the feelings I get when I read this book, or hear a song about His love for me, or think about all that I sense is being revealed to me about His love for me. All I know is that it is good. As the song I'm listening to as I write this says, "I am seeing who You really are." I'm seeing that His heart towards me really is good. And I'm realizing His love.

May you, too, begin to realize His love for you; how vast and how deep and how wide and how long it is, how unconditional it is, how fierce and wild it is, how peaceful it is...how great it really is.


Quotations taken from The Sacred Romance, by John Eldredge, and the ESV and Message Bibles

Where Am I Looking?

A friend of mine wrote out some encouraging note cards with Scripture verses and quotes from books and devotionals for me a while back. I've recently gotten them out and have been clinging to their truths and the hope that they give. One of these note cards says this: "You'll be upset if you look at people too much. If you look around, you'll be distracted. If you look within yourself, you'll be discouraged. Only as you keep looking unto Jesus will you develop confidence and peace." (Life's Ultimate Privilege by DeVern Franke.)

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I have a tendency to look around and at myself and at other people, all leading to everything but confidence and peace.

Looking at people: I have a tendency to care too much about what other people think about me. This has been making itself evident, yet again, as I've been questioning what other people think about where I am spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. My questioning has been leading to frustration, as I have some who tell me I'm okay where I am, but others who indirectly say that I'm not okay where I am. It is also leading to lies and shame and more attacks from the enemy.

Looking at/within myself: I have the false belief that I need to make things happen, but in reality, I can't make anything that needs to happen, happen. I'm setting myself up for discouragement, and I have been discouraged. The looking at other people has led to upset because I have no idea if they are right or wrong, and the looking at myself has led to discouragement because I've been dependent on myself when I can't do anything in my own strength.

Looking around: I've been looking around at everything but the One I need to be looking at and have lost my focus. I think I'm like Peter when he walked on the water. He was doing well, but then he started to look around and got distracted and sank.

I had something happen today that brought all of this to my mind:

I was driving down the road this afternoon to meet a friend for lunch and was stopped behind a line of vehicles at a red light. The light turned green, and traffic started to move. I had stepped on the gas a little when I looked at the person in the car next to me. I got completely distracted. When I looked back to the road in front of me three seconds later, traffic had stopped again and I had to slam on my breaks to avoid colliding with the vehicle in front of me. I was so relieved that I looked back to the road when I did.

Just like I have to keep my focus on the road when driving, I have to keep my focus on Jesus. I can't be looking at other people, within myself, or just looking around. If I don't keep my focus on Him, I'm going to crash, like I almost did today.

Letting Go of the Oars

Last weekend, God showed me something. 

I saw myself in a boat with oars headed down a river with a heavy flow. I had the oars in my hands, using all of my strength to try and row myself back up-stream, when really I need to let the water carry me where it needs to take me.

I know God has been trying to take me places in Him and in this healing process that I'm terrified to go. I think I'm afraid of the unknown and lack of control. He is asking me to trust Him, but I've been saying no because of fear. I've been so afraid of the process that I've been fighting it and trying to make things happen on my own.

On Sunday, I was at the altar, asking God why He wouldn't just take the oars away. He told me that if He took them away, He'd be taking my choice away.


I have the choice to continue to fight and use all of my strength to try and row back up-stream, or I can let go of the oars and trust that He will take me only where He wants me to go, trusting that His plan is good and that He is with me and that He has me and isn't going to leave, but above all, trusting that He is good.

I realized tonight that by fighting against the flow of His waters by trying to row against them I'm wasting my energy. Wouldn't it be better to rest and let Him carry me where He wants me to go?

By letting go of the oars, I'm letting go of my fears and placing my trust in the One Who deserves it.

(Fear doesn't deserve my trust. What has it ever done for me?)

Shining Your Brights

It's funny the things God uses to speak to me about spiritual concepts. It's also interesting how many lessons we can learn from driving. For instance, "You can't drive forward while you're looking in the rear-view mirror" translates to, "You can't go forward while you're looking backward". Here's another one:

On the way home tonight, I was following a car that had their bright lights on. I learned from a friend months ago that when I'm so many feet behind a vehicle, I should not have mine on, so I kept them off. I was close enough to the car in front of me, though, that their bright lights actually helped me to see better, too. 

I realized that in life, we need to let our brightest light shine so that those who are following us can see, too, because their lights aren't bright enough. Maybe their light isn't bright enough because of brokenness or because they don't know the Lord, or any other number of reasons. But they need our lights to shine so that they can see. 

Matthew 5:16 says, "...let your light shine before others...". The whole verse is, "In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good deeds and give glory to your Father who is in heaven."

So, come on, let your light shine; turn on your brights. You never know who may be following you. 

Split in the Path

I went running the other day on a trail that's new to me. It wasn't marked very well and I found myself lost a few times. In a few places, the trail split off into two different directions, leaving me unsure of which one to go. I chose one and after running down it for a few minutes, realized it was probably the wrong direction. So, those times I realized I had more than likely gone the wrong direction, I backtracked and followed the other direction the trail led.

I had recently downloaded a pedometer onto my iPod and was using it to track my mileage during my run. As I was thinking about it, I realized that my pedometer didn't stop counting my steps when I had to backtrack, but it added to them.

Sometimes, the trail we are on isn't clearly marked, and we are faced with a split in the road and the decision of which direction to take. We might take one direction, thinking it was the right one, only to realize it wasn't. So, we backtrack and go the direction we should have gone.

But, God doesn't discount the steps we've already taken, though they might have been in the wrong direction. He doesn't get mad at us when we falter and lose our way, but because of His grace, mercy, love, and kindness, He uses those experiences/steps to our advantage. He uses the things we learn on that wrong trail to teach us so that they can be used on the path He wants us to take.

Not only this, but He'll use us to help others to know which direction to go and not to go. We've already run the trail, and we know which direction leads the right way.

Staying Close to Him

I work with adults with developmental disabilities, advocating for their independence. Part of my job includes going out with a small group of consumers (that's the 'technical' word we use for the program participants) in the community to do a job. One of the jobs we do is litter pick-up at the casino. That was what I did today.

We were in the parking garage, picking up litter, when a car drove into the entrance that I and two other of my consumers were near. Some of the consumers need a little more supervision than others, and I had one such individual with me. I told her to stay close to me as we kept moving and as the car continued to pull into the garage. As soon as I said those words, "Stay close to me", the Lord spoke to my heart, saying, "That's what I want you to do...stay close to Me."

Just like I was trying to protect my consumer by having her stay close to me, God is protecting me when I stay close to Him. If my consumer would have moved away from me, she would have been in danger of being hit by the vehicle. When I move away from God, I put myself in danger of being harmed by the enemy and any of his "oncoming vehicles". Staying close to God is not only about being in relationship with Him and having intimacy with Him. It's also about us being in that safe place where we allow God to protect us.

Idols

It's never easy when God deals with you.

Today has been a good day. Until tonight. Something happened and it made me quite annoyed, then another thing happened that made me even more annoyed. I'm to the point where I just want to be comforted. I want to sit in a chair with a blanket and a book or my journal and a cup of hot tea. 

And this is where God breaks in and says, "Hello. What about coming to me?"

So many times when things go wrong, I go to food or a hot cup of tea or to the television for comfort and to just numb/zone out. I forget that I have a God who I can go to for comfort and He will actually give me the comfort I need. All of those other things are just temporary. Food or tea or the television will only comfort me for so long, or fill me up for so long, until I'm wanting for more. God isn't like that. He satisfies us completely, leaving no lack or longing for more. 

An idol is anything that replaces God or is put before God. 

Like I said, it's never easy when God deals with you. 

Hopeful Reprieve

We're in the middle of winter and for the last three days it's been in the upper 50's, low 60's. But, who's complaining? This afternoon on my way into town, I had the windows down and the sun was shining and it felt like spring. I know winter is coming back, but this reprieve has been wonderful. The promise of the coming spring gives me hope and I know I can make it through the winter.

God showed me that this is like the process I'm currently going through. I went through a bitter winter, so to speak, and when it ended, I had six months of reprieve. Now, however, it seems as though the winter is back. In fact, maybe it never ended. But, as I look upon the six months of reprieve, they give me hope that I can make it through this winter. They promise that spring will come and it will be even greater and will last longer than the little reprieve I had. 

Hindrances

I had just gotten back to my seat from kneeling at the altar when the pastor mentioned something about having things between you and God. Right away I felt conviction. Whenever that question has come up before, I've always thought, "Oh, there's nothing between me and God. We're good." But, this time I couldn't say that. This time, I knew there was something between us.

As I thought about this revelation later, I realized that it's difficult to admit that there is something between us and God because we think (I do, anyways) that He'll be done with us and cast us out because we're not perfect and don't have it all together because that's what the world does. But, we forget that God is not like man. He is merciful, patient, and loving. He actually wants us to admit that there are things getting in the way of a relationship with Him so that He can help us weed them out. In fact, He eagerly waits for us to come to Him with those confessions.

We were made for relationship with God. He paid a high price to be able to draw us near to Himself. Because of that high price, He isn't going to throw us out...He's going to do anything He can to keep us close to Him, making sure nothing is in the way of Him having a relationship with us.

If there are things standing in the way of you and God, keeping you from serving, loving, and drawing close to Him, don't be afraid or ashamed to admit them. He knows about them already, and is waiting and wanting for you to come to Him.

The Same God

I've been listening to a song on repeat for the last several days now, but only this morning did God speak to me through it. It's Kim Walker's new song, Still Believe. In it, there is a line that says, "and I still believe You're the same yesterday, today, and forever". When I heard that line, something stirred in me.

He is the same God. He's the same God we read about in the Bible. He's the same God who raised Lazarus from the dead. He's the same God who was in the fiery furnace with the three Hebrew children. He's the same God who's garments the woman with the issue of blood touched and was healed. He's the same God who could heal those whom no one else could. He's the same God who opened deaf ears, opened blind eyes, and made the mute sing. He's the same God who healed the paralytic. He's the same God who freed the possessed man. He's the same God who turned water into wine. He's the same God who gave armies into the hands of His people. He's the same God who caused the barren womb to bring forth. He's the same God who calmed the storm with His hand. He's the same God who was betrayed and died on a cross for all of humanity. He's the same God who arose from the grave after being dead three days.

He's the same God! What makes us think He's any different, or that He won't or can't do those same things for us? He's the same yesterday, today, and forever!