Desiring _(fill in the blank)_ More Than God

This is not one of those posts that will end up in my church's bulletin. This is not one of those posts that will ever be published in a devotional. This is definitely not one of those posts that has the answer. This is a post that comes straight from my heart and my real wrestling with God.

Last night, God and I were having a conversation. The way He speaks sometimes makes me question if it's really Him, or if I'm just making things up. But, I think last night was Him because of the discomfort I felt. 

I've been wrestling with God about something that I want. You'd be right if you said it was something I'm desperate for. I want healing. I want healing to course through my body and change it. And I know God can do it. He can do anything. But no amount of praying or seeking Him or worshiping is bringing that healing. Nor is my level of desperation. 

What will it take for God to heal me?

I ask that question as if my healing is conditional. Maybe I think it is. Maybe I think that if I pray enough, worship enough, love Him enough, do more, seek Him more, thank Him for my healing, claim my healing, have faith...more and enough that He will finally be appeased and heal me. 

All I know is that what I'm doing isn't working because I'm not healed. And in my conversation with God last night, He asked a tough question; a question that has been plaguing my mind for a while now, but I finally stopped ignoring:

"Do you want healing more than Me?"

Sometimes, He leaves me speechless. This was one of those times.

And in my raw honesty, I said "Yes".

And thus a challenge is posed to want God more than the healing I'm so desperately longing for. The decision should be easy, right? I would expect myself to jump up and shout, "No! God, I want You more!!!" and be completely okay if my body is never healed because God means more to me than anything, even that.

But, that's not where I am. I'm wrestling. I still want my body to be healed desperately and yes, maybe even more than I want God. I'm not sure what to do with the fact that I'm desiring Him to do something more than I'm desiring Him.

Maybe I just keep wrestling, seeking, praying, worshiping, hoping, waiting, and being completely, rawly honest with Him.