The Shredder

It's interesting how a simple task like shredding paper can bring a tumult of emotions and memories. I remember one point in my life where my mom and I sat on the living room floor, pulling out strands of tape from the cassette tapes that had recorded memories that I did not have: memories that were not very pleasant. They were the voices of me and my dad at the age where I was still in diapers. He wanted to change me, and I refused. He wanted me to go get a diaper, and I refused still. He yelled at me. He was angry at me. While I don't have this memory, but only what I heard on the tape, it raises questions. Why was it recorded in the first place and why was it being destroyed? And why did I play a part in the destruction?

The next memory that shredding paper at work brought back was the time my mom bought a shredder. I was older then, and the memories were long gone. But, shredding brings back memories for me. I remember that we were, again, sitting on the living room floor. My mom had pulled out a ton of paper records that had been filed away in a locked filing cabinet in our apartment. Why they were there, I don't know. And why they were destroyed, I wish I knew. They were papers of the past: papers recording the things that happened to me. They were papers telling of the aweful events of my three year old life. And again, I was taking part in their destruction.

She didn't mean for me to see it, but I did. It was a paper that, obviously a small child had colored on. The picture: an outline of a person. The color of choice used: black. Of course, the color was not contained in the lines, but strategically and angrily scribbled on one part of the figure's body: a place where no child should have to color.

When I saw it, I, of course did not remember it, but knew I had done it: for who else could have? My question now is not what was it about, but why was it all destroyed? It was my past. It could tell me what happened. It could tell me what I have always wanted to know. It would have taken time before I could look at it, but it was supposed to be mine. I should have had them. I could have had the truth. I could have had solid evidence, not just what someone has said to me.

Why did she have to shred them?

Will He Wait?

I desire a relationship...we all do...it's how God made us. But right now, I cannot pursue one. I have healing that needs to be done before a relationship can take flight. But, will he wait? I know of at least two that I like, but is one for me? They are sweet, kind, and they treat me the way I deserve to be treated. But, will he wait?

I can't get into a relationship right now. I don't know how long it will be before I can. But, will he wait? If it's God, I know he will. But, it's hard to let God have control. I just want him to wait, but he doesn't even know.

How Can I Stand Strong?

How am I supposed to be strong right now when I am so weak? I don't know why He has called me to this. It's hard and it hurts. How can I stand strong? "But when I am weak, then You are strong. Your strength is made perfect through my weakness." So where is this strength? Where is it when I want to fall to the floor? Where is it when I want to give up? Where is it when I am tempted to give into temptation: into my weakness? Where is it now when I need it the most?

How can I stand strong without it?

Healing is Like Having a Scab That Itches

Have you ever got a sense of what could be inside of you? Of who you could be if you do or don't take one step? I have.

And do you ever see yourself and thank God you didn't make that one move, but feel sick that you could have? Or you see yourself making the move, taking the step, even though in reality you didn't? I do.

And I don't know what to do. I know the source, but it is so hard to do something about. What do I do? I know the problem, but how do I solve it? Is it about God healing me? I know I need healing, but I never thought it was this that needed to be healed. I guess we have different ideas of what needs to be healed, God and I do.

Is this about me giving up and watching Him work? I don't know.

And why does this have to be so hard? It's not fair. And why do I have to deal with this again? "God, I don't know how you are going to heal me, but do it soon. I told you I was ready for the healing you had for me, and I guess this is the beginning. It makes sense, I'm just afraid."

I guess this is like a wound being healed. It scabs over, and we pick at it, because it itches. Healing hurts, or at least some parts of it hurt. It itches and is uncomfortable. But, it's healing. Healing is uncomfortable at times. This healing is definitely uncomfortable. I hate talking about some things, just like I hate pouring peroxide into an open wound. It hurts and is hard, not to mention uncomfortable. But necessary for the healing process. I have to get everything that's inside out. Then the real healing can begin.

But, it hurts. And I don't want to talk about it. But, I have to. I have to, because it's necessary for healing.

Boy, healing is like having a scab that itches.

Please don't come, Tomorrow.

Tomorrow ends for me a week of searching: for truth, freedom, and what is inside of me. Tomorrow, the gavel will fall, and a decision will be given. But, have I really got the right decision? How do I really feel? I wish I knew for sure.

This week, I have searched, prayed, and reflected. I feel like a lot has been revealed to me about myself, and yet I know so little. I feel like I have found the source for this turmoil, and I know the answer to how to make it end, or so I think. But, how do I apply it? How do I take this answer and put it into action? How does it work?

And tomorrow, when the gavel falls, what decision will I make? Can I have another week? This week has been refreshing, as well as filled with turmoil. How can I go back to even a little of how it was before? Which decision am I at peace with? I don't know. How does my heart feel? What is my heart saying? What is God saying?

Yesterday I felt like one thing, today I feel like another. Which one is right? Which one is God's plan? What if I make a mistake? Can it be fixed?

Please don't come, Tomorrow. I'm begging you, don't come.

Newton's Dumb Law

Why does one man's law have to be so true? It's so dumb. And I'm only venting about it because I have come to realize that it is true, not for tangible objects and push/pull..., but for human actions. The things we do, the actions we make, always have an equal reaction to the person we act against. If this makes no sense, let me clarify. If I say I hate you, you are going to feel sad. If I hit you, you are going to feel pain. A negative action usually creates a negative emotion, right?

Man, this sucks. Why can't people only do good things? The answer: we aren't perfect. We fail; we make mistakes. But the sucky thing about it is that the person on the other end of our mistakes usually ends up having to live with the consequences. These consequences are the things we struggle with and the battles we fight. They are the fears we have and the nightmares/memories that haunt us at night.

Why does it have to be that the actions someone does against me create problems that I have to face? Why do they have to make battles I have to fight? It's just not fair. It's his mistake. He should have to deal with this stuff. Not me.

Newton, your law is dumb.

God's Beauty

It seems like God shows up when we need Him. Well, duh, He does. He's God and He's always there. But lately, it seems. that He has been showing me some of His beauty. Or maybe I have been noticing it for the first time.

Yesterday I went for a bike ride. I was having a bad day due to the news I had gotten about my sister only the night before. I was riding down 600th street in Upland when I came across a corn field. Now, the corn field was beautiful in itself. It was a rich green and very wide. I couldn't see the end of the corn field from where I was standing. And as I was passing, I saw something jumping in the field.

To my amazement, it was a dear. She was running across the field and at the same moment I stopped my bike with my breaks, she stopped and we both stared at each other for a few minutes. She was beautiful! She stood there, strong and steady, standing her ground. She was quite a distance away, but still, she was something to stop and stare at.

After a few moments, she turned and ran in the opposite direction. I thanked God for this sight and went on my way. About two seconds later, I happened to see a cardinal only a few feet away from me. He was something to behold. Again, I smiled and thanked God.

I continued riding for a while and eventually found myself at Taylor University's lake. I went to sit on the prayer deck, but couldn't sit. I went to one side of the lake and sat down. As I was sitting, I kept seeing and hearing the water animals splashing in the lake. Then, there were all the insects that were flying around. Some of them were beautiful and very interesting. They were different colors and had different patterns on their wings. I wish I knew all of their names.

When I wasn't captured by the fish, frogs, and turtles in the lake, I was drawn to the flowers and plant life that were in and around the lake. They were beautiful! And when I wasn't captured by the flowers and plant life, I was taking in the sky and the clouds and the beauty of the day, not to mention the warmth of the sun shining on my face!

Then, today when I was driving up to the house, I stopped on the driveway because a rabbit caught my eye. He was beautiful. He sat there, staring and still. Then his nose started to twitch and he started to eat some of the grass. I observed his every movement. He was beautiful.

I sat there for what seemed like forever and then moved on. When I pulled up to the house and got out of the truck, I happened to catch a glimpse of another rabbit. She was over by the grapevine. I walked over there and stared at her, too. When I felt she was afraid because of her body language, I walked away.

But, what have I done to deserve to behold these beautiful creations of my God? Nothing, and that is the beauty in it all. He brings me His beauty in my times of despair and fear. When I am in the valley, He brings me some beauty to behold to take my mind off the things I'm going through.

What a beautiful God I serve.

Hebrews 6:13-19

Today in church was interesting. The speaker was preaching from Hebrews 6. He was talking about God's promise to Abraham, and how Abraham waited patiently for the Lord. The Scriptures say here that God bound Himself by with an oath, so that those who received the promise could be perfectly sure He would never change His mind. It says an oath is binding. Verse 18 says that God has given both His promise and His oath. And these two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. This is why we who have fled to Him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. vs. 19: This hope isa strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls.

I love this passage. It speaks something to me, but I don't know what. I just know I can rest in it.

Remember the post I posted a few days ago with the title "Trusting in His promises"? I kept hearing the words "trust" and "promise", but didn't know what they meant. I think God is trying to make it clear to me. Maybe it is that I can trust in Him and He promises to rescue me. I have had a lot of things happen this past week. I have been struggling with two things and then I get news about my sister and that whole situation. I am trying to do everything on my own strength, which is another thing the preacher was talking about not doing today. I think God is calling me to simply trust in Him that He promises to rescue me and be my strength.

"Is this what you are trying to tell me, Lord?"

What if's

What if she kills herself? What if she kills her mom? What if she kills my mom? What if she goes off on a terrible rage again and goes further this time? She called the police on her. When she found out, she took off running. They found her and brought her back. I don't have the full story, only this. Why does she threaten to kill herself? What is going on inside her head?

What if I go home? She hates me already, so won't that make her hate me more? What if I can't handle all this stuff? Is it okay I'm done? But what about my mom, who is still there? What will happen to her?

Why isn't she being a mom? Why isn't she doing everything she can to help her? Does she not know what to do? I am so powerless in this situation. But, Daddy, you are strong and have all the power we need.

What if she dies? We don't have a good relationship. What will I do without my little sister, even though she hates me and I have no chance? What is going to be the outcome of all of this?

Father, you see me crying out for my family. Hear me and answer my cries. I'm desperate for a change.

What if my family were restored? What if relationships become changed and strengthened?

Please, hear me Dad. Our family is hanging in the balance.

I don't want to see these what if's become reality. Please, don't let that happen.

Another analogy

So, because I am good at coming up with analogies, here is another one for another battle I face:

We all have bad habits. Why some of them aren't talked about, I don't know. But I wish they were. Like biting one's fingernails. It's a horrid habit. Many of us do it. In fact, most of us probably suffer from this habit. We are told from an early age not to do this, that it is bad. But, we like to do it. Some do it because of nerves, others do it out of boredom. Whatever the reason, we do it.

And no one talks about it. We're made to think that we are abnormal: that there is something wrong with us if we bite our nails. But, we're not, are we? I have been biting my nails ever since I can remember. I don't know why I didn't grow out of it, as many people do. I wish I did, though, because then I wouldn't feel so abnormal. I wouldn't have to face this battle every day.

I've often wondered what it would be like if I could stop biting my nails. I would be free of the habit, for one thing. I wouldn't feel like I have to be angry with myself each time I go a little while without biting them, only to fail and begin chewing. They were looking so good, until I felt an emotion that I didn't know how to soothe. Then, the biting started over once more, along with the angry feeling for failing. Sometimes, I even feel like a disappointment to those who are cheering me on.

And who knows when it will end? All I can do is hope I overcome it soon, or live with my secret analogy the rest of my life.

I wish I could write more on this subject. But, I don't know what to say, or how to say it. I can only hope that one day, someone will be brave enough to write about it.

My analogy

Here is my battle. It is what I am facing, but in analogical form.

I am poor: poverty stricken. I have two choices. I can steal and be sure that I get what I need, or I can not steal and only hope that everything goes okay and that I survive. But, if I steal, I would be compromising everything I have been taught and believe in. If I don't steal, again, all I can do is hope for the best. I can only hope for someone to come around who is willing to make everything okay.

But, here's the thing. I have a Tempter. My Tempter is using my poverty stricken past to hit me where it hurts. He is using his tricks to try and get me to steal. Now, I don't have to give in to him. But I also have my human weakness to consider. This is an area where I struggle. I want to be okay. I don't want to be poor again. But stealing isn't who I am. It's not me, nor is it who I was meant to be. And while I don't want to be that thief, I feel like I already have been, just by thinking about it. The thoughts that have trampled through my head...I have wanted and have not wanted to act on them, and luckily, I haven't. Stealing is the last thing I want to do. While it sounds appealing, I'm afraid to do it. I'm afraid of the consequences and of what people will think of me. I'm afraid of what I would think of myself.

And while I am trying to reign in my human weakness and sinfulness, trying to keep it in control, I am trying to watch out for my Tempter. How do I do this all at once? I can only do one thing at a time. And what if I try to hard to avoid him, or to keep my humanness in control and I end up tripping and stealing anyway? How do I not trip?

All I can do is sit and think about my real battle, the one that is ongoing, and that is the source for this analogy.

The battle

I keep running. I run this way and that, trying to escape. He tries to make me believe this one lie. But I can't, because I know him for what he is: a Liar. He keeps telling me this one thing, and even goes as far as putting thoughts into my head and visions into my mind's eye. But I cannot give in. I keep running. But I can't get away.

There is a battle for my mind: a battle for me. I know who wages it, and who fights against it. But what can I do? I am standing strong. I am resisting the very thing that would be my ruin. I know that God has great plans for me, and that the enemy would try to destroy them. That is what he is doing.

"Come back to me!" The enemy of my soul calls. Will he never stop?

"No!" I yell. I keep running. When will the chase end?

I don't want to give in to this thing the enemy has for me. I can see it, and I can see how easy it would be to slip into it. I see it every time it comes. I saw it the first time, and I can see it now. But, I can't. I don't want to! It's not me! That's not who I am! It's not who I want to be. It's not what I want to be.

But I feel like there is almost no choice. No way out. No escape. I'm in this battle, and there is no way out.

Unless my Prince Charming comes. And I know He will. But, when? When will He come and rescue me? I cry out, but hear no reply. The tears are falling, the battle is raging, and yet, no Prince Charming. When will He come?

Prince Charming always comes when the Princess least expects Him. In the midst of her distress, He comes, riding on the white horse to rescue her because He has heard her calling.

But, until my Prince Charming comes, I fight this battle alone. It is a shameful battle, too shameful to ask for help. What can I do? Who can I talk to? I want to win. I cannot lose. To lose will mean to lose everything He has for me. It will mean to lose the Prince, for I will have compromised everything He stands for that I believe in and have stood for ever since I had some sort of understanding.

My heart cries out in anguish. My jaw clenches in anger. My face twists in fear. My heart rises within me in pain.

What will I do? How can I win this battle?