Life Goes On

How does life just go on after someone dies? I don't understand how it can. It seems like it should just stop, pause, and maybe even rewind. Life doesn't take into consideration our pain, sorrow, agony, grief...but it just keeps going on and on, moving forward one moment at a time.

A little over a week has passed since I heard about my cousin's death. I still don't understand how a week could have gone by already, and the viewing and the funeral. She's in the ground now, and her mom and dad are searching for a headstone. So many moments have passed and she has not been a part of any of them.

It's just not fair! Why should life be able to go on when hers can't? How am I to move forward when there has been this great loss? I don't understand. And I want to fix it all! I sense how broken my family is because of this and I hate it! I want to fix it...make it all go away.

But I can't. Nothing I or anyone else can do will bring her back.

But that's all I want. I want her back!!!! I still can't believe she's gone. I miss her smile, her goofy laughter, her singing to every country song in the world, swimming in her pool with her and the two of us teasing her brother, hearing her talk about boys, being her older sister she can confide in when my own little sister won't tell me a thing...I miss everything about her.

How can she be gone? I don't understand! It's not fair! How can life just go on? She can't be gone. And life just doesn't go on.

If I die young

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never known the loving of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand

There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

So put on your best, boys, and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing
Funny, when you're dead how people start listening

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time
So put on your best, boys
And I'll wear my pearls

If I Die Young by The Band Perry

I think this song is the perfect one for the loss of my cousin. Every time I hear it, I think of her.

She died from a broken neck and a severed artery. I don't understand why this happened. Her boyfriend was going to propose. She'll be buried in the engagement ring.

She loved bowling. She was on her high school bowling team. She had so much going for her. She doesn't belong in a body bag or in the obituaries or in a funeral home or in a coffin, much less in the ground. She belongs in the engagements or on a 'high score' board in a bowling alley or in a classroom teaching special needs children or on a stage singing 'Coal Miner's Daughter' or a hundred other places, but not in a coffin.

I just don't understand, and my grief is so heavy, as if someone has tied a millstone around my neck. I want to yell and scream 'Why!?" I want her back. I want to hug her and laugh with her and go swimming in her pool with her and watch movies with her and be annoyed by her brother with her and sleep downstairs in the basement next to each other...I want her back!

Death is so dumb. One minute you're here, the next...nothing. And no one can fix it. I want to fix this for my family so desperately that it hurts. I want to fix my family, too.

But I can't. And I hate that. I think that's why God has me in CA while all of this is happening. If I were at home, I'd want to fix everything and everyone, and would forget about me and my grief. But, I can't fix anyone or anything, and I need to deal with my grief.

She was so young. I don't understand why she's gone. I keep going back and forth between denial and acceptance, shock and anger. I guess that's normal when you lose someone close to you. She was like a sister to me. She was always quick to forgive and never judged anyone. No matter who you were, she loved you.

I sat in the shower tonight and thought of her. I still can't wrap my mind around what happened. I just want it to all go away. I want it to be a bad dream and I want to wake up and find her back here. I want to hear her laugh again and see her smile and hear her tell of something she did.

I know that's what we all want.

Death

As I write this, I'm speechless and my heart is broken. I lost a friend tonight. Not only a friend, but a family member. My cousin was 20 years old. She wanted to be a special education teacher and I think she would have been great at it. She had a younger brother who got on her nerves, but I know she loved him. She was fun loving and loved life.

I grew up with Shawna. Our families lived only about twenty minutes apart, so we saw each other often. She was the same age and grade as my sister, and was like a sister to me. We talked about a lot of things and when we were together, fun was always a companion. She had the greatest laugh and was quite the goofball. I can still hear her laugh. She loved to sing. She had a great voice and I think would have gone far with it.

She was hit by a semi. Two witnesses said she kept crossing over the center line and an oncoming semi tried to move over as much as he could, but she caught his back tire. They think she died instantly, so she wasn't in pain.

Death. It's such a strange thing. One moment you are alive and breathing, senses fully alive, and the next...nothing. Where do you go? What happens in that split second of a moment? Is there a bright light? Darkness? Pain? No pain? What thoughts run through your head? Does your life flash before your eyes?

What ran through her head? Did she know what was happening? Did she know what was coming? What did she feel?

I will never know the answer to these questions about my cousin, but one day I will know them as they relate to myself.

But, in the mean time, I am caught in my grief. I am beside myself as to what to do with myself. The Bible says that our life is but a breath, here one moment and gone the next. We need to cherish each moment that we have because we will never have that moment again.

Death is so final. I wish it weren't so. But it is.

And it's crazy how, when you lose someone, you flash back to all the other people that have died who were close to you. You remember where you were when you found out, what you were doing, and you remember details of that day or night or moment. It's like 9-11. Everyone remembers what they were doing and where they were when that happened or when they found out about it.

I can't get the words that my aunt spoke when she told me out of my head.

"Are you sitting down?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Shawna was killed in a car accident tonight."
__________________________________

Shawna,

Boy, will I will miss you. You were the little sister I never had. Any secret you had was safe with me. You had such a great voice. When we were in the car, I think you knew all the words to most every song on the radio station. I miss our fun times together, of wearing braids and laughing at ridiculous things. I wish you would have gotten to teach my sister how to wear make-up properly. What am I ever going to do with that girl? It's not going to be the same without you. You were the cousin I was closest to. Family get-togethers aren't going to be the same. I always looked forward to seeing you and talking to you at those things. You made them bearable. Ava is going to miss you, you know. So are all of us. I don't understand why this happened, or why I'm in California during it all, but I know that God is still good and He is still in control. I hope you knew Him, but only you and God know that.

I love you very much and hope to see you again someday.

Your sister, cousin, and friend,

Mindy

The Last Layer

I've heard over and over that this process of healing is like the layers of an onion. Each layer has to be peeled back one at a time.

There are so many layers that it seems that I'll never be done peeling them back.

But, just like when peeling an onion, I'll eventually get to the center, right?

Will I ever get to the very last layer?

Will I ever be done peeling?

His Faithfulness

I had my first plane ride on Thursday.
It was AMAZING!!!! I loved every minute of it, but take-off was by far my favorite part!

I think I had been in the air for at least two hours when, finally, there were billows of clouds below us and what looked like the tundra of them around us. It was beautiful.

But, while I was admiring the beauty out my small plane window, a verse came to my mind. Psalm 36:5 "Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens; your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds."

I've always struggled with His faithfulness. Is He really good and faithful? I also never understood how high up the clouds went. When I was down on the ground, it was hard to tell how high up they were and what was beyond them. On the plane, I got to see this. In the second picture here, you can see the ground below and the clouds that are over that area of land. The plane is above those clouds. It amazes me that I am above those clouds, and yet this verse says that His faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds.

So, what does this mean? It is so beyond my understanding that I find it difficult to put into words what I want to convey. But, I don't think there are any words that are able to fully describe our God. But, He is faithful. Dictionary.com defines faithful as being 'true to one's word, promises, vows, etc.'.

His faithfulness stretches beyond our understanding, as it stretches beyond the clouds. It just goes on and on and on, and isn't dependent upon our works or sin. Isn't that comforting to know? He is faithful whether we are or not. It's His nature. He is faithful.

God's fingers, glue, and the pieces of me

Bebo Norman wrote a song, God Of My Everything, that has really spoken to me. In the first verse, there is a line that says, 'Gather the pieces that are broken'. That has become my prayer.

Only recently have I begun to see my brokenness, and it's everywhere. I don't think there is one part of my life that is not broken. Try on that realization and see what life would look like. I know we all have our brokenness, but when it seems like it is in every area of your life, it begins to look overwhelming and hopeless.

And I really am in pieces. Since meeting my dad, I've split off into different parts that serve as different functions. I have an angry part who is just angry all the time at everything, a numb part who takes over when all the emotions are too much, a child part who felt it all, and an adult part who tries to keep things going in the real world. I also have a Christian part who, I think, is the real me apart from all of this stuff. But, I only get glimpses of her. But, all of these pieces put together again form a whole person. But, until I'm together again, I'm fractured and broken.

I almost feel like Humpty Dumpty. We all know the nursery rhyme:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
And all the King's horses
And all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again

I'm thankful that my name's not in that nursery rhyme.

Do you remember when you were a kid and you had to do a craft that involved gluing things to paper? Remember how your hands got covered in glue? I think that's how God's hands are as He is trying to put me back together. But, He's not afraid of the mess.

He is in the process of taking my pieces and putting them back together. Sometimes, that process hurts. Each piece has to be glued on one at a time, and I am having to look at each piece of me one at a time. It's very overwhelming.

But, I'm very glad that God's fingers are gentle. Being broken hurts enough.

I know that He will put me back together again, but it's taking a very long time. I forget sometimes that He is not on my time table, but I am on His. I forget that He is putting me back together, and that I don't have to do it by myself.

And I forget that when I am all put back together, I might not look the way I expect. I might still have some holes where the Light can shine through.

My Grand Adventure

This summer has been one unsure day right after the next. I never know what my life is going to look like from day to day. I guess that keeps life interesting, right?

As I write, I'm sitting in a Starbucks in downtown Indianapolis. I got to Indy on Thursday afternoon after spending a week in Marion, Indiana, with a family from my church there. I left home on July 1st, after being home for a week from my last trip.

Here's what my life has looked like this summer so far: I spent about 4 weeks at home and then left for Indianapolis on the 20th. My church's youth group was headed to church camp in Hartford City, which is right by Taylor University (my Alma Mater). So, I rode up with them to Indy and got dropped off there to spend time with my best friend and roommate from Junior year. Wednesday of that week, we drove to Marion where I stayed with a family from my church. Marion is right by Upland, which is where Taylor is. I was there until Friday, when I caught a ride home with my church's youth group. I spent a week at home, and then left again on July 1st to go back to Marion. I stayed there until July 7th and then left for Indianapolis. When I talked to my friend about going to stay with her in Indy, it was decided that I could stay with her for a week, which would put me at July 14th. So, I said that was fine, but I had no idea what I was going to do once that week was up. I wasn't sure I wanted to go home or back to Marion. But, I figured I would decide when the week was over.

I was on Facebook Wednesday evening when I got a message from a college friend who lives in California. She wanted to know what I was doing in the next few months because she and her mom wanted to fly me out for a few weeks of fun, relaxation, and adventure. I read the message and couldn't believe what I was reading. We chatted on Facebook chat for a few minutes and then her mom started talking to me on chat, too. She asked when I wanted to come and if I could get to Indianapolis to the airport and that they were thinking sometime next week. I was shocked. I told them that I was already going to be in Indianapolis on that Thursday and that that would work out perfectly. So, they booked a flight for 6:30 Thursday evening, July 14th.

In one moment I went from not knowing where I was going to go to knowing exactly where I'd be going. My friend and her mom decided to get a one way ticket so that we could leave the return date open, because I'm just not sure when I'm going to need to come back. My return to Indiana depends on what happens with Mercy Ministries, as I'm still waiting on that process. I'm not quite sure why I'm being sent to California, but I'm very grateful. There are so many adventures waiting for me there!

My friend and I were talking last night before we drifted off to sleep about how she has seen the hand of God on and in my life these last few years that she has known me. I don't always see it, but I think with this, I'm beginning to. I don't know what God is up to, but I do know that this is going to be a grand adventure. I have never been on a plane before, nor have I been to the West Coast. Both of these things have been dreams of mine, and now they are coming true. I never thought they would. And the amazing thing is that it's really costing me nothing, which is even more of a blessing!

I am amazed at the people God has put into my life who bless me and love me when there is no reason for them to. Many times I just wonder why, because I don't deserve any of it.

Found in the Aftermath

Aftermath- Hillsong United
[Verse 1:]
The skies lay low where You are
On the earth You rest Your feet
Yet the hands that cradle the stars
Are the hands that bled for me
[Chorus 1:]
In a moment of glorious surrender
You were broken for all the world to see
Lifted out of the ashes
I am found in the aftermath
[Verse 2:]
Freedom found in Your scars
In Your grace my life redeemed
For You chose to take the sinner's crown
As You placed Your crown on me
[Chorus 2:]
In that moment of glorious surrender
Was the moment You broke the chains in me
Lifted out of the ashes
I am found in the aftermath
And in that moment You opened up the heavens
To the broken the beggar and the thief
Lifted out of the wreckage
I find hope in the aftermath
[Bridge:]
And I know that You're with me
Yes I know that You're with me here
And I know Your love will light the way
[Chorus 3:]
Now all I have I count it all as loss
But to know You and to carry the cross
Knowing I'm found
In the light of the aftermath


This song speaks to me. I know it's talking about how we are found in the aftermath of the cross and what He did on Calvary, but I can't help relating it to my current situations. If you've been following me, you would know that life hasn't been easy. I'm in the process of applying to Mercy Ministries, and actually just sent in the last part of my application on the 4th of July. Now, I just have more waiting to do.

In the mean time, things have been pretty rough. A lot of things at home have been crazy, and then I've been noticing a lot of things in myself that are bothersome. Not to mention that the pain I feel inside is incredibly much. I feel like a pop bottle that has been shaken up and when the cap is taken off, it explodes because of the pressure inside. Or I feel like a glass doll or figure that is already tipping and just the slightest breeze will send me over the edge, shattering onto the floor. The emotions I feel inside, and am trying to suppress, are so intense that I feel that if I let them out, if I feel them, I will die.

And the dumb thing is that I know I need to let them come. I need to feel them. I need to take that cap off and let what's inside come exploding out. I need to take all of my guards down, unlock the dead bolts, let my walls fall...but I don't want to.

But, when I do, I think the words in this song will ring true. He will be there, lighting the way with His love as to what I need to let out and where He needs to get in to do some repairs. He will be with me during the explosions and when I feel like I'm going to die.

And He will find me in the aftermath of all of this that needs to be dealt with and felt. I won't die or be lost. He will find me.

And in this truth, there is hope. The hope that I will be found in my aftermath.

Being Remade

I Am New- Jason Gray

NOW I WON’T DENY THE WORST YOU COULD SAY ABOUT ME
BUT I’M NOT DEFINED BY MISTAKES THAT I’VE MADE BECAUSE GOD SAYS OF ME

I AM NOT WHO I WAS, I AM BEING REMADE, I AM NEW
I AM CHOSEN AND HOLY AND I’M DEARLY LOVED, I AM NEW, I AM NEW

WHO I THOUGHT I WAS AND WHO I THOUGHT I HAD TO BE
I HAD TO GIVE THEM BOTH UP CAUSE NEITHER WERE WILLING TO EVER BELIEVE

TOO LONG I HAVE LIVED IN THE SHADOWS OF SHAME
BELIEVING THAT THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD CHANGE
BUT THE ONE WHO IS MAKING EVERYTHING NEW DOESN’T SEE ME THE WAY THAT I DO
HE DOESN’T SEE ME THE WAY THAT I DO

I AM NOT WHO I WAS, I AM BEING REMADE, I AM NEW
DEAD TO THE OLD MAN, I’M COMING ALIVE, I AM NEW, I AM NEW

FORGIVEN, BELOVED, HIDDEN IN CHRIST
MADE IN THE IMAGE OF THE GIVER OF LIFE
RIGHTEOUS AND HOLY, REBORN AND REMADE
ACCEPTED AND WORTHY, THIS IS OUR NEW NAME
THIS IS WHO WE ARE NOW

I love the words in this song. I love the truth that God does not see me the way I see me. He sees me as unbroken, unblemished, whole, without shame, new, clean, beautiful, worthy....He loves me when I don't love myself. When I try to hide because of shame, He shines His light on me, refusing to let me hide. I am made in His image. He's the giver of life and I'm made in His image. That's crazy. I am accepted when others reject me.

I am being remade. I'm getting a new name. There's more I'd love to say about this song, but I think the lyrics speak for themselves.

Me-1, Fireworks-0

Well, I conquered my fear of the loud explosions of fireworks...I sat through probably my first fireworks show without plugging my ears. I was pretty close to where they were setting them off, too. I've been afraid of the loud noise since I can remember. I've also been afraid of popping balloons. But, now that I think I know the reason why, it's not so scary.

My dad popped a balloon around me when I was little, or so my mom said when I asked her. My theory is that instead of being afraid of my dad, who I was afraid of because of what he was doing to me, I turned that fear onto the balloon. It makes sense to me, but whether it's true or not, I don't know. I can only speculate.

But if it helps me overcome my fear of fireworks and balloons popping and exploding, then I say it's true.

Me-1, Fireworks-0