Giants

Giants.

"To see a giant in your dream indicates a great struggle between you and your opponents. You are trying to overcome an overwhelming obstacle. Alternatively, a giant symbolizes an issue, a person or a feeling that is dominating you. You are having an inferiority complex."

I had a dream last night that there were giants in my house: two of them. They didn't do me any harm, yet I was afraid they would.

I definitely am trying to overcome an overwhelming obstacle. Two, to be exact. They are both people.

Where are my sling and stones? I'm going to overcome.

I'm confronting one of them tomorrow, and I've already confronted the other. I'm so nervous about confronting the one tomorrow that my stomach is twisting in knots. I know it will be good to finally confront this person and overtake the giant, but I'm still scared.

Then, the Lord reminds me of Philippians 4:6-7. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, with prayer and petition, and with thanksgiving in your heart, present your requests to me, and then my peace will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus."

Is this what He told David when he was just feet away from Goliath? It's what He's been telling me as I've confronted giant after giant.

But, I wonder if David still had knots in his stomach as he pulled back his sling shot.

Giants.

Shalom

Peace.

It's a word we don't fully understand. We only know peace from our own understanding as in a calmness.

But, did you know that the Jewish word for peace, 'Shalom', means 'whole' and 'complete'?
I didn't either, until a friend told me when she was describing what she was seeing in me.

I've never experienced Shalom until this year. I had always been restless, incomplete, and definitely not whole. There was no Shalom to be found in me.

There were a lot of things that I was stressed about. The word 'stressed' means "A mentally oremotionally disruptive or upsetting condition occurring in response to adverse externalinfluences and capable of affecting physical health, usually characterized by increased heart rate,a rise in blood pressure, muscular tension, irritability, and depression. "

Wow. That is a long definition. I had a lot of these external influences that were mentally and emotionally disrupting. I was stressed!

But, when I finally let God do a work...a healing...a miracle... then I experienced Shalom.

And people can see it. They see it on my face and in my spirit. I am no longer stressed or tense. Sure, there may be situations, but the way I see them and handle them are totally different. Why? Because I have Shalom! I am complete! I am whole!

So many people have not experienced Shalom. They are not complete or whole.

But, I say to them,

Shalom!

With Each Step

In an earlier post, I wrote about walking on water and the book I finished reading by Pete Gall, "My Beautiful Idol". The question that I related to was, "What if I step out on the water? Will it hold?"

I also wrote about sending a letter to my dad in an earlier post.

I'm seeing that question as it relates to this situation.

Writing a letter to my dad is like stepping out onto the water.

What if I step out and send this letter to my dad? What if the water doesn't hold? Then I call out to my God, and He stretches His arms out and rescues me.

And if the water does hold? Then I keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, and trust Him with each step.

But, if I don't step out, I'll never know, and my faith won't be grown.

Dancing with Daddy

Dance With You

I feel a rush of wind, on my frail skin
You’re turning around me
Like heavens wings, sweeping under my feet
It makes my heart beat and beat

And oh…the patterns so beautiful
I sway so smooth when I worship You

Take me, wrap me in Your arms forever
I want to dance on the streets of gold
I want to take hold of Your nail pierced hands
I want to dance with You

You’re the one who planted this dream in me
This desire this fire, burning deep
What I can do is because of You, I love to move
When I’m moving for You
It’s Your hands, molding this dance

And oh… the patterns so beautiful
I sway so smooth when I worship You

Take Your hands… take Your hands
I want to dance with You, with You

-Take No Glory

I love the fact that we can dance with our God. What other supreme deity can we be so intimately acquainted with besides Him? He is a personal God. And He wants us to dance with him.

I resonate with the lyrics of this song. I want to be in His arms forever, dancing on the streets of gold, holding His hands that were nail-pierced for me. Not only can I dance with Him when I get to Heaven, but I can in the here and now.

I've always been sad about knowing that I won't be able to have a father/daughter dance at my wedding. Last summer, I went to a friend's wedding and watched as she and her dad danced. It brought tears to my eyes. I wanted that in my own life. But, with my situation, that would never be a reality.

But, I have come to learn that I will have that. I can dance with my Dad, not just at my Wedding, but all the time. When I worship Him, I am dancing with Him. When I feel the wind blowing, we are dancing. He sweeps me off my feet like a Prince His Princess and we dance.

At my Wedding, I am going to dance with my Heavenly Daddy on streets of gold. He will take me in His arms and spin me around and around. I will be dancing with my Daddy for all of eternity. What a dance that will be!

Dancing in the Rain

"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to dance in the rain."

I have found that this quote is so true. Today, it came alive for me.

I was sitting outside this afternoon when the sky began to become overcast. Pretty soon, the rain came. I could have gone inside to avoid getting wet, not to mention to get out of the storm. But, I got the idea to go dance in the rain.

And I did. And it was beautiful.

After it stopped raining, I was still outside. I was lying on the porch when I saw the sky was a beautiful bright blue and had white, fluffy clouds floating through it. I then called to mind the quote at the beginning of this reflection.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. But about learning to dance in the rain.

Walking on Water

So, I just finished reading a book by Pete Gall titled "My Beautiful Idol". It was a really good book and I would definitely read it again. It was really cool, because Pete asked a question that I have asked many times. I have always thought I was crazy for asking this question. And if I am, that makes two of us.

The question is: "What if I step out on the water? Will the water hold?"

I know it's crazy, but I've always wondered. I mean, Peter did it. And the water held. He only began to sink when he doubted. But, what if I stepped out on the water, like the lake I sat by today. Would the water hold? Does it count on my faith and how much I have in God making the water hold? What if I could walk on water? How much faith does it take? A mustard seed's worth? I could muster that.

And what if I do step out and it holds? I will have found a new faith and a stronger belief in God. Would it show that we do not believe the way we say we do? I mean, don't we say we believe we can walk on water? Don't we say that we can do anything in the Lord's strength? If we step out, and the water holds, won't that prove we haven't really believed that until that very moment?

Unfortunately, the way our minds are, we are thinking about stepping out, and are even sitting on the very edge. But, a thought comes, and we find ourselves thinking about that thing, and before we know it, we have forgotten about the very question about stepping out.

But, what do we have to lose? I mean, really. What is there to lose in stepping out on a body of water, having the faith it will hold? Even if it doesn't hold, what have we lost? A little bit of our pride? But, "there is an incredible experience to gain if it does hold."

Try it.

Letters

Letters are interesting things. They communicate so much. And you don't even have to send them. You can burn them, tear them up and throw them away, put them in a bottle and toss them into the sea, put them in a balloon and send them up, up, and away, or do any number of things. Or, you can send it.

I'm sending a letter this summer. I've been wanting to send this letter to this person for some time, but the time has never been right.

Until now.

I've written him letters before. I lost one, and the others were just for me to vent, and not to send. I have written him letters to work through the forgiveness process, to direct my anger at him, and a few with the intent of sending. But, those with the intent fell through. It just wasn't time.

I decided the last week of March that I wanted to send a letter to my dad. I had just gotten a book review in a Fort Wayne newspaper and for some reason decided I wanted to send him copies of some of my published work. I didn't have an intent of sending a letter with it, but then, that's where my heart was.

I sat on the idea for a while, without telling anyone. After a few days, I decided to tell my roommate, counselor, and a few other trusted friends. They all seemed supportive and encouraged me to go for it. I took a few weeks to really think about some things. I thought about the pro's and con's, how I will be affected, asked questions, answered questions....and continued to really think about it. After all of the questions and consideration, I still felt in my heart that this was what I wanted to do.

So, I gathered a few of my trusted friends as a support system and set out to write my letter. I know that no matter what happens, I can look back on this and say that I know the outcome and can move on from this point. It's part of my healing process. I wanted to have a support system so that I can have an outsider's perspective on the situation. I also wanted to make sure that, if I lose sight of truth, I have someone who can point me back to it. I also wanted to have some people I trust who I can bounce ideas off of and who can read my letters to make sure I'm not opening myself up too much, but am only including what I want to include.

The reason this is such a big deal is because I have not seen my dad since I was three. He was abusive and definitely not what a dad is supposed to be. This is the first time we have had contact in 18 years. I don't even know if he will respond, but I'm prepared for that. I know who I am in Christ and am secure as His daughter. I think that's why it's time.

So, I have written a draft letter and sent it to my support system people. I have received positive responses and feel confident in sending it. Now, I just need to continue to pray for his reception of the letter, that his heart is prepared.

Letters, they're interesting things. They communicate so much. And you don't even have to send them. You can burn them, tear them up and throw them away, put them in a bottle and toss them into the sea, put them in a balloon and send them up, up, and away, or do any number of things.

Or, you can send it.

Changes

As you know by now, I reflect on a lot of things. Today while I was working out, I was reflecting on how I have changed. When I used to work out, I exerted myself through my anger. It was what drove me some days. I would take my anger out through running or doing tons of sit-ups, all the while feeling angry inside.

This year has brought many changes. Now, instead of turning my emotions into anger, I allow myself to feel them. Now, instead of feeling angry and hatred and shame, I feel joy, love, and acceptance. I am confident in who I am, because I am in Christ. I no longer loathe the fact that I don't have a dad, because I know I do. My Papa loves me and is there for me. He is my Heavenly Father, which is so much better than any earthly father. Now, instead of dreading Father's Day, I am actually looking forward to it! I am anticipating it.

I am no longer afraid, but have a boldness that surprises me sometimes. I no longer hate the fact that I am a woman, but actually enjoy it! Yes, I love wearing dresses! I never thought I'd see that day!

I am no longer bound, for I am free! I no longer dwell in darkness, but live in the light. I no longer go about with my face to the ground, but look people in the eyes. I no longer hate myself, but love who God made me to be. I no longer doubt that He exists, because I can say without a doubt that He does. He is so very real to me.

God has shown me so much this year. The verse in Isaiah that says He makes beauty from ashes is so true. It's what He has done in me. He loved my ashes enough to make beauty from them. He loved me enough to keep His hand on me, even when I tried to get away. I know my Papa is good, and I know that I never want to run again. He loves me so much more than I will ever know. His love for me is vast. It is wide, long, high, and oh so very deep.

There have been so many changes this year. I am only excited for what other changes there are going to be!