A Narrow Escape

I barely escaped today. Sin was knocking, crouching at my door, and I almost answered.

But I saw my chance to escape, and took it.

It was narrow, I'm not lying. And it was only for a split second that it was available. If I had hesitated a moment longer, it would have been gone, and I would have opened the door. I would have invited in sin, shame, and guilt. Hatred would have been my friend. I would have let myself, God, and a lot of other people down. That's the good thing about accountability.

I am thankful, especially today, that God provides a way out, and I can take it. I am thankful that He is faithful. In the midst of the knocking, He was louder and I heard Him. I saw the way out He was providing for me.

This evening would have taken a whole other course if I had opened the door. I think the really amazing thing is that He walked with me the entire way. From the very first moment, He was there.

And the really amazing thing is this: He was there in the form of another person who had no idea the purpose she was serving for me. And through her, He actually walked beside me and followed me in.

This was a narrow escape. I know that the path to follow Him is going to be narrow. It's not easy, but I want to take that path. I choose to take that path. And He will be faithful.

I love you this much

I have been struggling lately with God's love. First of all, I have walls that need to come down. I have spent my life behind brick walls, guards, and shields that have 'protected' me from being hurt by love. I don't let people love me and I especially don't let God love me. I'm too simply afraid of being hurt again.

But, God loves me this much that it is hurting Him that my walls aren't crumbling...

I've been reading Beth Moore's book Breaking Free and it has been a drink of water that I have been longing for. It has ministered to me in ways I never thought possible. I was reading the chapter about hearts broken by betrayal when Beth was talking about Judas's betrayal. She says, "In Christ's case, however, Judas's betrayal took the worst of forms....He came to this earth in the form of human flesh not only to die in our behalf but also to live in our shoes. Heart-shattering betrayal is one of the hardest experiences we encounter. To know how to best bind up the heart broken by betrayal, Christ chose to experience it...."

Wow!! He loves me so much that He was willing to endure betrayal and abuse that I would experience years upon years later just so He knew how best to bind up my broken heart! He chose to experience what I would experience just so He knew how it felt so He knew how to heal me! Wow. What love is this that He would die for me, take the nails for me, just to save me?

And you know what? I've been learning that His love is not like human love. His love is unfailing, unconditional, unending, complete, and so much more. When I think of the word 'unfailing,' I think of phrases and words like 'does not fail', 'will not fail', 'incapable of failing', 'perfect', 'will not let me down'.

When I think of the word 'unconditional', I remember that I don't have to do anything to have His love. He loves me no matter what! And He will never stop loving me no matter what I do!

When I reflect on the word 'unending', I think of the math class I am in. We have discussed that numbers are infinite: that there are 'infinitely many'. Well, His love is the same. It is infinite! It does not end! It cannot end. It does not meet at a point, but keeps going and going. It has no beginning, but always has been. That means He has loved me even before I was a thought in my parent's minds. He loved me before I was even conceived!!! He loves me infinitely!!!

His love is also complete. It has no holes or mistakes. His love is also perfect. It is blemish free!

There are so many words to describe His love. The psalmist says, "Your love, O LORD, is as vast as the Heavens...." We all know the sky does not have a point at which it meets. It keeps going. It is vast!!! We cannot see the end or the beginning of it! It's the same with His love!

Wow! "Lord, instil this in me that you love me this much! Help me break down my walls and take the shield away so that you can pierce me with your love for me. Help me to let me love you!!!"

He loves you this much!

Before and Beside Me

This week I am doing something hard, something that I have been running from. I am walking into something that I have been avoiding, because it is too uncomfortable and painful. But, it's time to deal with it. It's time to get healing.

The thing that I know that is giving me hope is that God is going before me. He has already been in my seat on Wednesday, September 23 and knows what is going to be said and asked. He knows what is going to take place. He's been there already.

And, He is going beside me. He not only has already been there, but is going to go there again, this time by my side. He will be with me because He has said never would He leave or forsake me. He keeps His promises.

He goes before and beside me in every circumstance.

One step

God is so good. Just these last few weeks I wanted to walk away. I was there, on the edge of walking away. I was done. I was tired and I didn't want to fight anymore. I was throwing in the towel and quitting. It was the end.

But one desperate prayer changed everything.

This week is Spiritual Renewal week at our college campus. I went to Vespers Sunday night to pray in preparation for this week. One thing I prayed for was that God would show Himself to me in a real way this week. I needed Him to show me He was real, or I was going to walk away, because of all my doubt.

And in the midst of everything, God showed up.

He showed up in such a real way that I cannot deny His existence. We were getting ready to leave the chapel on Monday night after the service when someone jumped on stage and asked us to stay, saying he was going to show us something beautiful.

And beautiful it was.

He started confessing sin to us. Then, one after another, people began to line up, confessing their sin, failures, and struggles. We were transparent before one another, and God showed up in the midst of our confession.

All the while this is going on, I am sitting in my seat: a war going on between heaven and hell for me. It was so intense I wanted to run. I wanted to run far away and not be there.

But, I had to stay.

At one point in the midst of my struggle, I could see myself jumping over the chairs in front of me and running. But, I had to stay. I had to share. I wanted liberty, and I knew that liberty would come in confession. I wanted a change, and I felt that maybe, just maybe, this would be the turning point for me.

And it was.

I heard a girl at the stage ask for all who struggle with sexual sin to go to the front to pray. A herd of girls made their way to the front, myself included. We prayed, and with the conclusion of the prayer, I decided to stay. I was there, so I might as well stayed there. If I would have gone back to my seat, I probably would have run.

When the microphone finally got to me, the band started singing. I wanted to run. I had to force myself to stand there: to stay. The mic got taken from me twice, because I wasn't using it, but holding it in my hand, not sure when to speak. It got quiet, and the mic was handed back to me.

I began to share how I am afraid and doubting. I thanked someone who had shared earlier that they had been sexually abused, and then shared that I also had been sexually abused by my dad when I was three. I shared that, because of that experience, trusting men and relationships with them are terrifying for me. And because of this, I shared that I struggle with homosexual thoughts. I wanted to ask if anyone else did, but I was afraid I would get silence. So, I shared how lonely I feel.

At this time, God stepped in and showed me I was not alone. A girl in the middle of the sanctuary raised her hand. Then, she got up and ran to me. As we stood there, embracing each other, I was so relieved that I was not alone anymore. Then, another girl got up and came to me. She asked if she could pray for me and I said yes. She then asked for all the girls who had been sexually abused to come forward.

I was not alone. There were several in the room. As I looked at them, I wanted to take them into my arms and cry with them. We share pain and heartache, and it is so good to know that we are not alone.

Since that night, God has continued to work. He is calling me, and I want to answer. I want to be obedient to His Spirit. I want to walk in obedience to His Spirit. I want to be real.

I feel like I am stepping out, blind. I have no idea where this is coming from, because I don't trust, I don't step out, but I'm doing it. I also know He is calling me to let my guards down. I am letting the brick walls crumble, letting the guards down, and taking the shields away from my heart so that He can pierce me. In doing this, I am letting Him love me. And I am thanking Him for His love, even though I may not feel it yet. I know that if I accept it and thank Him for it, I will allow Him to love me.

I have had several people come to me, showing me the effect of my obedience.

And it all took only one step. I was believing the lie for the past few weeks that I only had to take many steps to get to God, but only one step away from Him. I was believing wrong! I only had to take ONE step TOWARD Him, and He ran to me!!!! When I took that one step, He ran to me and embraced me in His open arms! God, you are soo good!!!!!

I am ready. I am ready to walk into this hard stuff. The darkness has lifted, and now there is light that drowns out the darkness! I am going to be obedient, walking through this healing, including the hard stuff, so that He can use me. It's time. It's time I stop running and just do it!

It's time. I'm taking the step. "Let's go, God. Walk with me through this, carrying me when necessary. I'm going to trust you, even though I'm afraid. Help me keep my eyes on you and not on my fear or the waves around me."

A Father's Love

How do you know your parents love you?

They say they would give their lives for you, and they would.
They love you no matter what you do.
They support you.
They pick you up when you cry.
They are there for you.
They help you when you are hurt or hurting.

I grew up without my dad, and my relationship with my mom was not what it should have been. But, I know she loves me. She tells me I can tell her anything. She says and does all of the things I listed above.

But my dad...

He was never there to say or do any of the above things. I don't know if he loves me, because he has never shown it. He has only shown me hurt. He is my parent, yes, but does he love me?

How do I know God as my Father loves me? I have somehow modeled Him after my dad, beliving He doesn't love me. I know he does love me, I think, but how do I accept it? How do I accept that He loves me? I can't fathom it. I've never had it and I don't know how to accept it.

I know He loves me.

He said He would give His life for me, and He did.
He loves me no matter what I do.
He supports me: with His arms.
He picks me up when I cry.
He is there for me always.
He heals me when I am hurt or hurting.
And He does so much more than I can list.

But, how do I accept His love?

How do I accept the Father's love when I've never known a father's love?

Where's My Focus?

I've lost my focus; I'm losing my faith.

I feel like the disciples when they were out on the sea when the storm came. Their boat was rocked to and fro, nose diving into the waves and flying on top of them. Jesus was asleep. He was there, but asleep. They cried for him to save them. They thought they were going to die. When he got up, he rebuked the wind and raging waters. When he had calmed the storm, he asked them, "Where is your faith?"

They had their focus on the storm, not on who was with them. They had lost their focus on Him and had put it on the storm. They lost their faith that they would be saved, and feared they would die.

I feel like I am in the boat with them, crying out that I am going to drown. I have lost my focus, and in the process, my faith. My eyes are on the storms going on around me in my head and heart.

Or, what about Peter? I could be Peter, too. He had enough faith to ask Jesus that if it was him and not a ghost, to tell him to come out on the water. When Jesus commanded him to step out, he did. And for a minute, Peter walked on water.

But, we all know the rest of the story. When he lost his focus and began to focus on the waves instead of Jesus, he began to sink. He took his eyes off of Jesus and put them elsewhere.

But, in both cases, Jesus was there. He calmed the storm and the disciples lived. He reached out and caught Peter and he did not drown.

What's it going to take for me to get my focus back on Him? How did Peter and the disciples get their focus back on him? Were they able to?

Did they lose their faith when they lost their focus?

Two Roads, One Choice

So, I feel I am faced with two roads, leading in two different directions. My dilemma? I only have one choice. I feel like I am being pulled in two different directions. I could either run completely away from Him, or run to Him. It's a scary place to be. What is this tug I feel? Why am I feeling it? Is it because of everything else going on? God, what is happening? I feel like you aren't real anymore. Part of me wants to walk away, and the other part of me is fighting to stay. I don't understand....

I don't know how I got here. I know I wasn't seeking you like I should have been, but, how did I get here? Why am I here? How do I get back? It seems so impossible and I feel I should just give up. I know the road I want to take, but to get there seems so impossible. The other road seems so much easier: it's right there, just one step away.

Am I tired of fighting? Do I have any more in me? Could I really just walk away?

I'm at a crossroads: I only have one choice.

Pray for me.

No More

Why is it that every time we think we can't handle anymore, God says we can? I mean, I feel like I have reached my limit in what I can handle. I am dealing with so much right now. And then today happens. I get a text message from my mom. Okay, so getting a text message from your mom shouldn't be a bad thing, but today it was. Her boyfriend was having surgery today to remove a tumor and make sure it wasn't cancerous.

Well, it is.

I have no idea what to do, think, or feel. I mean, I feel bad because no one should have to go through cancer no matter who they are or where they come from or no matter what sins they are committing. So, the only reason I have no idea what to do, think, or feel is because 1) my mom and he are not in a right relationship and telling me and my sister to wait until marriage. He stays the night at my house and because of my past, I'm not comfortable with it. 2) I didn't want to try to get to know him because I felt he had, first of all, taken my place in the family and I didn't know where or how I fit in anymore, and second, I didn't want to get to know him or have a relationship with him because that is what I want with my dad. I didn't want him to have the place my dad should have.

But, this time around when I was visiting home, I was trying. I actually tried to get to know him. He respects me and my mom and sister, which no man my mom has married/dated has ever respected me/us. My mom is so deep into this relationship, as they have been dating a little over a year now, and is afraid. I don't want anything to happen to him because I don't want to see my mom go into a deep depression. I also don't want to become the adult/caretaker for my mom once again, as I have been my whole life. I don't want that role anymore/again.

I also am afraid because I don't know how this(if anything happens to him) is going to affect/effect my sister and me. I feel like she is going to, once again, focus all her attentions on him and not on her kids.

I just don't understand why this is happening. God, what am I supposed to learn from this? What haven't I learned from all the other stuff in my life that has happened that you want me to learn from this? Where are you in all of this? I know I'm not alone, but I feel it.

I just don't know how I can handle much more. I want no more. But, I'm sure you wanted no more when your Son was on the cross. Give me your strength to be able to get through all this stuff. I can't do it alone.