The LORD your God

I've been looking up Scripture about not fearing for an art idea I have. As I'm reading through all of these verses that say "fear not", I've come across one other thing they have in common. Many of them contain, "the LORD your God". I read verse after verse that contained that phrase and each time something moved in my spirit.

The LORD your God.

It's comforting, isn't it? It ought to be, if we know who God really is. He's personal...He's not just your neighbor's God, your friend's God, your mom's God...He's your God.

I don't know about you, but when I read that, it does something to me. It gives me hope, confidence, boldness...it enables me to stand once more in the face of difficulty. He's not just some God...He's MY God.

Take heart, beloved. He's not a far off God...unreachable and unapproachable. He's right here, closer than you can imagine...and He is YOUR God.

Worship - An Audience of One

I've been challenged lately by my own thoughts about worship. Here are the questions floating through my mind:

-What would churches be like if we really did worship unto the Audience of One?

-How would my worship be different if I didn't care what other people thought or thought of me?

-Why does my worship need to be dignified?

I am finally sitting face to face with these questions and I find myself thinking of David Crowder's song, Undignified. If you've never listened to it, the video is at the end of this post. It's a great worship song that talks about becoming more undignified 'than this'. Here are the lyrics:

I will dance
I will sing
To be mad
For my King
Nothing Lord
Is hindering
This passion in my soul

Chorus:
And I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Some may say
It's foolishness
But I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Leave my pride
By my side
And I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Some may say
It's foolishness
But I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Than this

La, la, la, la, la, HEY!
La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, HEY!
La, la, la, la, la

It's all for You my Lord!

So, is this about pride? I think so. Webster's definition of pride is 'a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.' Hmm....  Jesus gave up His dignity when He was crucified on the cross for us, so can't we give up ours for Him?

I know that for me, every week in church is a battle for my pride. I have so experienced God in such a real way that my soul is shouting for joy, but because of pride, my mouth won't. I want to jump up and down and worship so wildly, like King David dancing before the Lord, but my pride stops me. "What will everyone think of me?" is the question that always runs through my head during church. 

But, I'm not worshiping them. My worship is not for them. So, why should I care what they think if I jump up and down or shout at the top of my lungs? It's not like it's not in the Bible. "Shout for joy..." Psalm 98:4, "Let them praise His name with dancing..." Psalm 149:3. 

Leave my pride by my side.... My King deserves my worship. Now, let me clarify something. I'm not saying that this is how everyone should worship. I'm sure that for some people, leaving their pride by their side involves lifting their hands, not necessarily dancing wildly. Everyone worships differently. I'm talking about setting pride aside and not caring who's watching or what anyone thinks, but having that love and madness inside of us for our King Jesus that we refuse to let our pride hold us back. 

I am definitely challenged to start worshiping to the Audience of One. I'm challenging myself to lay my pride by my side and let my worship reflect outwardly the way I feel toward my King. 

Baptism

 Today was a very significant day. It tied together the last 6 or so months of my life. 

The decision to be baptized had been in the making since July 18th. I received a voice mail that day from a woman who works at Sierra Bible Church, the church I'm attending here in CA. She told me about the baptism service being held on August 5th and wanted to know if I was interested in participating. At first, I dismissed her message, as I had been baptized before. But, as the day wore on, the thought of it wore on my mind. 

I had been baptized before, when I was in middle school or something, but I don't remember the date or year. It really didn't mean much to me then, either. But, the decision to be baptized today held much significance. 

2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" (NIV & NLT combined) This is me. I decided to be baptized today because it represents so much. So many things happened in my life in the time I spent at Mercy; my life was transformed there. God became real to me. I had always been a 'Christian', but, had I? I was so double-minded at times and my faith wavered. My walk with God was anything but stable. I was in and out, up and down. One day I hated Him, another I needed Him. I blamed Him for my pain, thinking He was the author of it. I didn't think He loved me and I didn't know who I was. 

But all that is changed now. I have always been redeemed, but I'm living like it now. Being baptized today was my declaration that I am, from this day on, living in the resurrection life that Jesus Christ died to give me. The old man really is gone. I am new! Before Mercy, I was dead. Now, I'm alive. 

I shouldn't have received that voice mail about baptism. I never filled anything about about being interested in baptism, nor did I say anything to anyone about it. But, I don't think it was a coincidence. No, with God, nothing is a coincidence. He ordained my baptism today. 

Tripping on fear

I went hiking today around Pinecrest Lake. It was a beautiful day for a hike, with the birds singing and the sun shining off of the lake. But something could have caused me to miss out on the beauty around me: fear. Let me explain:

The trail that I was on was such that you had to look where you were going at all times, otherwise you could trip on protruding tree roots, rocks, sticks, pine cones, etc. Well, guess who tripped? I didn't see a protruding tree root and tripped on it. I stumbled for a few seconds, trying to catch myself, but I ended up tumbling to the ground.

I got up, however, and continued on the hike. For a few steps, I wrestled with fear. What if it happens again? What if I fall again and it's worse than just a scraped hand? I could have turned around and not finished the hike. But I would have missed out on all the beauty surrounding me, on what was ahead of me.

I realized that this often happens in life. We trip on something and fall to the ground. But, instead of getting back up and continuing on, we either stay down or turn back around for fear of falling again. By doing that, we miss out on what's ahead of us.

So next time you trip, get up and keep going. It might happen again, and it might be worst than the fall before it, but the beauty of life is worth the risk.

Dear God,

If You wouldn't have sent Your Son, where would I be? I shudder at the thought of it. Most of my life has been a mess. But that didn't bother You. You pursued me all the same. You were there in the darkness when I thought I was all alone. You ran after me when I ran from you. You loved me when I hated You. You loved me when I hated me. You never gave up on me.

God, I can't thank You enough. And words fail me when I try. You truly have delivered me from the pit. You delivered me from the darkness and now I stand redeemed. If it hadn't been for Your love, I would have succumbed to the enemy's plan for my destruction; I would still be sitting in the slime I was in, drinking self-hatred and injecting more lies. Death had its grip on me, but You said "No, she's Mine." You fought for me.

Because of You, I'm alive. Your breath fills up my lungs and I am free. I no longer walk in darkness, but in the light of Your Presence. You are good. I'm sorry that I ever doubted Your goodness; doubted that You were trustworthy and faithful. You've never given me a reason to think otherwise. I am humbled by Your love. It is unconditional. You love me even on my worst day. And I don't understand it, but I know it's true. Oh God, I know it's true! What other reason than love would You surrender Your Son for me? And for what other reason would He obey? It wasn't my sin that held Him to the cross. It was His love for me. The scars on His hands...I'm so grateful for them. My healing was in the stripes on His back.

My healing. I am healed. I am made whole. I never imagined I would ever live healed. I thought my scars and wounds ran too deep, too deep even for You to reach. I thought I was too lost, too much of a mess. I didn't think You were there. I thought I was too dirty from the things done to me for You to ever love. But, what I thought has been ruined. My scars and wounds were not too deep for You. I was not too lost or too messy. When I didn't think You were there, You were. I was not too dirty for You to love. You picked me up all the same and held me close. You touched those places in me that were broken by abuse, hatred, anger, betrayal...and you healed them. You touched those places that were in confusion and brought peace. You opened my eyes to see the beauty you placed in me, to see myself the way You do. You opened my eyes to see my worth.

You have freed me, redeemed me, set my feet upon the solid rock and put a new song in my mouth.

And who am I that You are mindful of me? I am Your daughter. And You, my King, are my Daddy.

I love you.

Your Princess,
Mindy

Lessons

So, God has me in a place I don't want to be, and I can't do anything about it. I've really been struggling with being here in CA. I want to leave. My flesh and spirit are at war with one another. My spirit knows things my flesh doesn't care about. I'm in a constant battle to do the things I don't want to do, and to not do the things I want to do.

But it's all part of life and part of following Christ. He calls us to do things that we don't necessarily want to do, but we have to be obedient. So, in trying to be obedient, I'm praying for His sustaining peace, because I'm anything but peaceful.

I think that God always has lessons He wants us to learn. I really believe that He has a few things that He wants me to learn while I'm in CA. In my fleshly stubbornness and frustration, I don't want to learn anything. I just want out.

But, in the middle of my war, I think I know what I'm supposed to be learning, or have an idea, anyway.

GRACE. I'm learning to have grace with myself, as well as with others. Before Mercy, I was so bound to all of my mistakes and failures. I'm shaking off the heavy chains of my failures with grace. I know that I'm not perfect, and I'm okay with my imperfections, or trying to be anyway.

HUMILITY. I don't know if this is a lesson I'm supposed to learn or not, but it's not a bad one to learn anyway. I'm learning to own up to my shortcomings and mistakes. Owning up to your imperfections is very humbling, not to mention difficult. We all want to believe that we're perfect.

LOVE. I'm learning to love others, despite their quarks that annoy me. Loving difficult people is, well, difficult. Walking in love is a choice. Sometimes, walking in love takes choosing to let things go, whether it's letting go of hurts or unforgiveness.

FORGIVENESS. I've always known that God commands us to forgive, but it's always been easier said than done. I pray to God to help me forgive those who hurt me, realizing that I'm the one who has to help myself. I have to choose to forgive. When I feel like I'm justified in not forgiving, when it seems I'm right and the other person is wrong, that's when God reminds me that He was justified in not forgiving me, but chose to, anyway.
I've grown a lot in this area since Mercy. I'm working on being quick to forgive. If I don't forgive, I know I'll become bitter. It's the 'quick to forgive' part that I'm learning.

PATIENCE. Oh, it's being tried and tested.

TRUST. I'm learning more and more to trust God. His way is the only way. Trust goes along with patience, I think. If I'm patient, and trusting in Him, He'll act on my behalf. There are two verses that I've been clinging to that talk about this. The first is Psalm 5:3 O LORD, in the morning you hear my voice; in the morning I direct my prayer to you and watch. The second is Psalm 37:5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. When I put my trust in Him, there is a calm that comes over me. When I put my trust in my understanding, however, there is chaos. There is a part of me that knows that He knows what He is doing, but sometimes, fear takes hold and causes me to doubt.
Another verse I hold on to is Isaiah 55:8-9 For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts.
I knew that when I came to California I was going to have to trust Him in ways I had never trusted Him before. I'm finding that this is very true. I'm glad that God can be trusted and that He is faithful.

LIFE. Yes, I'm learning life. Before Mercy, I wasn't living. I was surviving. But now, I'm thriving, or at least trying to. I'm trying to bloom where I'm planted.

This is another lesson that I think I'm supposed to be learning, but I'm not sure. I've been thinking about it fro a few days now, and for some reason, it has stayed with me. It's the lesson of UNLEARNING INDEPENDENCE. I know what you must be thinking. 'But, isn't independence a good thing?' Yes, it is, to a certain extent.
I've had to be independent for so much of my life that being dependent on others is very difficult. I have, though, had to be dependent on others for the last few years, especially these last few months. But, it's been very hard because I want to be independent.
I realized that I might need to unlearn independence when my friend's mom was trying to make me more comfortable when I went to bed the other night. It gets very warm upstairs during the day and isn't always cooled off by night time. So, we have fans to help us keep cool. I had the fan the way I wanted it, but she didn't know it was on and so was trying to make sure I was comfortable. She was just taking care of me. I in my independent 'I-don't-need-anyone-to-do-anything-for-me-because-I-can-do-it-myself-because-I've-had-to-for-so-long' mentality told her to leave it alone. I'm not used to, or comfortable with, people doing things like that for me, especially a mom. I'm used to doing it for others.

So, I need to unlearn some independence when it comes to things like that. This translates into my relationship with God. I need to unlearn some independence there, too. He calls, even wants, us to be dependent on Him. I think the dependence we're supposed to have on God is that of a baby with its mother. They can do nothing without their mother doing it for them. John 15:5 says, I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in Me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from Me, you can do nothing. I am finding this verse to be true more and more each day. I can do nothing apart from Him and His strength. He designed me to be forever connected to and dependent on Him. That's a lesson I'm sure I'll always be learning.

I hope something here resonates with you. We will always be in a constant state of learning. Only when Christ comes to take us home with Him will we be perfected. Until then, we will be learning different things and wrestling with our imperfect fleshly selves. I take heart in knowing that no one is perfect and that God is patient and gentle with me, and that He takes brokenness aside. I hope you can take heart in that, too.

Redeemed

This is my anthem right now. I am redeemed. I've always been redeemed, but now I'm living in it.

It's amazing the things God can redeem. There have been so many things in my life that I thought were nonredeemable. Maybe sometimes I forget who my God is. He can redeem anything. 

I'm not who I used to be. That couldn't be any truer in my case. When I look back on who I used to be before Mercy, I cringe. But, it amazes me that God loves the girl that I used to be, just as He loves the girl I am now. Isn't that crazy? When we're at our worst, He loves us all the same: not more, not less. 

I used to hate my name. I hated that it was Mindy. It seemed like such a girly name and it didn't fit me. But, more than my name, I hated myself. I hated who I was. I saw myself as fat, ugly, dirty, worthless, useless....I didn't want to be me. God has been redeeming that, though. I love myself now. I love who I am. I know who I am. I didn't have any idea who I was before. I love my name. I am cute. I am beautiful. I am clean. I am loved. I am a girl and I'm okay with that. My sexuality is being redeemed. I never thought that was possible.

I never thought my mind would or could be so free and clear as it is right now. Before Mercy, my mind was plagued with so many things that haunted me day and night. I couldn't really think about anything other than what was going on inside my mind. There was so much darkness there. But God has redeemed my mind. Hallelujah! My mind is so clear and free! I don't know if I ever remember a time it was free. The darkness is gone and so are the things that haunted it before. For the first time in a long time, I am able to think about things that are outside of myself. My mind isn't spending energy trying to process anything traumatic, like it was before. 

My emotions have also been redeemed. I know it's okay to express emotion. Before, I hated emotion, especially crying. I know that I don't have to be slave to my emotions. And I know that I'm not alone in them. God is with me in every single emotion and He accepts me in them. 

Life and joy have been restored to me. Sometimes I get a little mournful, because so much time has been lost in my life trying to deal with the issues I had. My college years are one of the things I mourn. If I could, I would take my post-Mercy self, rewind time, and do college again. But, I can't. So I put my trust in the God who has redeemed so much already, trusting Him to redeem the time that the locusts have eaten. 

I will never be the same girl I was before Mercy. God has redeemed me from the pit of hell. He has set my feet on the rock that is His salvation and has put a new song in my mouth. To Him be the glory! 

_______________________________

Seems like all I can see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me “son
stop fighting a fight that’s already been won”

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I’ll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain
Now I’m not who I used to be
I am redeemed
I’m redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, “Child lift up your head”
I remember oh God, You’re not done with me yet 

Because I don’t have to be the old man inside of me
Cause his day is long dead and gone
Because I’ve got a new name, a new life I’m not the same
And a hope that will carry me home

Oh God I’m not who I used to be
Jesus I’m not who I used to be
‘Cause I am redeemed
Thank God, redeemed

Not too deep

A few months ago, I went on a hike with my fellow Mercy sisters. We hiked up this mountain that wasn't really a mountain, but was still a pretty challenging climb. When we reached the top, we had lunch. During lunch, a few of us asked for a few moments of silence to take in the view and the beauty around us. In the silence, God spoke to me.

Below us was a dirt path upon which some other hikers were on. I heard someone on the path yell and it reverberated through the valley and made its way to the top where I was. Through that, God showed me that even when I am in the valley, He hears my cries. They echo in the valley and He hears them from up above, even from the highest height.

I was reminded of this when I read Jesus Calling for July 16th. It's talking about self-pitty being a slimy, bottomless pit. The part that reminded me of those moments on the mountain was this:

Your only hope is to look up and see the Light of My Presence shining down on you. Though the Light looks dim from your perspective, deep in the pit, those rays of hope can reach you at any depth.


I want to encourage you today if you are in a pit that God hears your cries, no matter how far down you are. His hand is never too short to reach you and your cries will always reach His ears.

You're beautiful.

"No I'm not," you say.
But, you are.

You are beautiful whether you believe it or not.

God is the author of beauty. He is beauty itself. So, if He created each one of us, how can we not be beautiful? We have been so blinded and deceived by society's definition of beauty that if we aren't a size 0 and weigh 12 lbs., we don't think we're beautiful.

Forget what society says. They've been deceived, too.

I was reading Jesus Calling by Sarah Young for July 3 and it made me think. The part that awakened my thoughts reads:

My children make a pastime of judging one another - and themselves. But I am the only capable Judge, and I have acquitted you through My own blood. Your acquittal came at the price of My unparalleled sacrifice. That is why I am highly offended when I hear My children judge one another or indulge in self-hatred.

Imagine you have purchased a very expensive painting, painted by a famous painter. Maybe it's a 

Van Gough or a Picasso. Maybe the painting is the infamous Mona Lisa. Say you have spent your life savings on this painting, because you thought it was so beautiful and you loved it and had to have it. How would you feel if I came along and said that the painting was the ugliest thing I had ever seen? How would you feel if I painted over it to try and make it better, or put slash marks through it because it was so ugly? You would be angry and offended, right? 

But isn't that what we do to Jesus?

He spent His life to purchase us, yet we constantly try to fix ourselves through surgeries or enhancements or through eating disorders and self-harm. We get so hateful towards ourselves that some even take their own lives. And, to make things worse, we cut each other down, too. We judge and criticize and make fun of others, all at the expense of the One who bought them with His blood. We offend Him.

What would happen if we began to see ourselves as the valuable beauties that we are? 

YOU are royalty (1 Peter 2:9). 

YOU are beautiful (Song of Solomon 4:1)

And who are we to argue with the Creator? With the One who bought us with His blood?

Isaiah 45:9-10

"Woe to him who strives with him who formed him, a pot among earthen pots! Does the clay say to him who forms it, 'What are you making?' or 'Your work has no handles'? Woe to him who says to a father, 'What are you begetting?' or to a woman, 'With what are you in labor?'"

California Dreamin'...try California Doubtin'

The last month or two at Mercy was spent searching for a host family. Doors shut left and right, leaving me unsure of where I would be going after graduation. In the midst of desperately needing an answer, a door opened: California. But I didn't see it as being a possibility, because I had my own agenda, and it didn't include moving to CA. But, God's agenda and mine don't always match. So, I resisted all the way up to giving an answer as to where I'd be going after graduation.
Even after deciding to move to CA and live with my friend and her family, who I visited with last summer, I still had doubts, as well as what I call, 'momentary freak-outs'. I wanted to be absolutely sure that CA was where God wanted me to go. I gave Him two things that had to happen for me to know that I was supposed to go to CA, and both of those things happened.

And yet, even after all of that, I'm still doubting.

It's a good thing God talks to us in ways we can understand. The other day, my friend and I were on our way to Newman, CA, and the directions we had told us that we would be on a particular road for 35 minutes before we reached the next turn. It seemed like sch a long time that we were traveling on that particular road and felt like we'd never reach the end. I began to doubt that we had gone the right way, despite following the directions. It didn't help that we seemed to be in the middle of nowhere.
It occurred to me that this is what happens to so many of Christ's followers. He leads them down a road and, despite having been directed to go that way, they begin to doubt His direction because the road seems to never end or appears to be in the middle of nowhere.
I realized that this is one of satan's tactics: to get us doubting so that we turn around and go a different way than God told us, getting ourselves lost and confused. But if we will continue on in the direction God told us to go, we will eventually reach our destination. He will never lead us astray.

My friend and I finally made it to the end of the road, and to our destination.

A few nights later when I was journaling, God brought this all back to me. I didn't see how it applied to me at the time He showed it to me, but as I wrote I did.

I was writing about some frustrations I was having about being here, as well as my doubts, when I was reminded of the things I asked God to do so that I would know CA was where I was supposed to be. I realized that God directed me to go down this road, so I obeyed. But along the way, doubt crept in. This path seems to be in the middle of nowhere. I'm not sure when it's going to end or how long I will be on it. But, if I will keep going in this direction He has led me, I know I will reach the end. I refuse to let satan talk me into turning around and going a different way. God will not lead me astray.

In the midst of all of this, the verse I'm holding fast to is Jeremiah 29:11. This verse has seemed so cliche to me more times than I care to admit. It's seemed like such a nice thought...but not right now. Right now it has so much meaning and truth, and to that I cling.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Mercy

Six months and two weeks have gone by so fast.

Too fast.

But in those six months and two weeks, so much happened.

I walked through the doors of Mercy Ministries one hot mess. I was broken, confused, looking to people to fix me, bound by fear, angry. I was cutting, insecure, unsure of who I was, ashamed. I felt I was unworthy of everything, I took responsibility for things that weren't my fault. I hated myself, hated my body, had walls up to the sky and guards over my heart, and I felt like I would never get out of the darkness I was in.

But all that changed over the course of my journey at Mercy.

My life had not been easy. Some of the roots of my problems included rejection, abandonment, fear, unforgiveness, and abuse. My dad had custody and contact taken away when I was three because of sexual abuse, so I grew up not knowing him, but I was still afraid of him. I never really knew what happened, but I knew something bad had happened.

My sister (there are only two of us and I'm the oldest) needed a lot of attention and care from my mom, so I was on my own a lot, or dependent upon those around me (church family or my grandma or aunt and uncle). I took on a lot of things that weren't mine to take on.

As I got older, I dealt with bullies at school. They always teased me about my weight or clothes. I cried most days because I didn't want to go to school and face them again. The bullying didn't help my self-esteem, but lowered it, pretty much smashing it into the dirt.

I grew up in church, so I knew Jesus and God and the whole nine yards, but I didn't really know Jesus and God. I had a head knowledge and relationship with Him, but my heart was so guarded that not even Chuck Norris could have gotten in.

College was when things got worse for me. During those four years, I experienced same-sex attraction, cutting/self-injury, anorexia, and overexercising, the close of my campus and the transition to another. College was the time where it was very difficult not having a dad. I ended up meeting him for the first time in 18 years during my senior year. That led to a whole lot of other nasty. I dealt with memories, flashbacks, dissociation, body memories, and night terrors.

Before I graduated, I began applying to Mercy Ministries. I had heard about it through a friend months earlier, but decided it wasn't for me. But, in May, God brought it to mind. After I graduated, I bounced from home to a friend's house (four hours away) to my other friend's house (three hours from my home) just to avoid home. In July, a friend from my first college invited me to California to visit with her and her family. So, I went.

Four days after I arrived in CA, I received word that my cousin was killed in a car accident. I was devastated. She had been like my little sister, not to mention my friend. I decided that because of what I was dealing with and my family situation, it was best if I stayed in CA. I missed the funeral and burial. It made grieving difficult.

I walked through the doors of Mercy Ministries on November 15, 2011. To many people, it was crazy. To others, an answer to prayer.

But walking through those doors didn't bring ease and comfort. My time there was anything but. I fought, refused to surrender, tried to control everything, and drove myself nuts. I was a very negative person; negativity was my mask, my defense. But, God didn't let that hinder what He wanted to do in me.

One of my very first of many frustrations at Mercy was the fact that I had a choice. It made me so angry that I had a choice in something. Whether it was obeying a rule, praying about something, or whatever, it made me angry that I had a choice. But, after a while, I realized that my choice has power for positive or negative. When I realized that I had a choice and that it had power, I enjoyed the fact that I had a choice. I had never had one before. As a kid, my choice was taken away, and as an adult, it was do as someone told me or else. I never had a choice. But I have one now. And it is powerful. Very powerful.

I had so many revelations while I was at Mercy. I struggled with trust and the question of, 'Is God good?' One morning in the shower (that seems to be God's favorite place to talk to me), I realized that if I believe the Bible is true, then either all of it is true, or none of it is true. I don't get to pick and choose what is and isn't true. But that's what I had been doing. This was the beginning of trading in the lies for the truth.

I had always gone from person to person to person trying to find someone who could fix me. But I remained the same. My counselor at Mercy drove me nuts, but I'm so thankful for her. From day one, she wouldn't let me dwell on my issues or come to her only about things. She made me go to God. Because of that, I eventually realized that it doesn't matter who I go to, if I don't go to God, nothing in my life can change or get better. I used to get so mad at her when she would tell me to go pray through something on my own. I didn't understand. Didn't she need to be there? After this revelation, I realized that I'm not praying to her, but to God, so it doesn't matter if she's there or not. It's not like she could do anything for me, anyway. This was probably the most important lesson I learned at Mercy.

One of the first steps at Mercy is choosing to forgive. I had always had a hard time with this, but in the weeks that I was in this step, God gave me a picture that helped so much:
                  You know how you tie a balloon onto a kid's wrist so if she lets go of the string, it won't fly away? Well, that's how I saw forgiveness. I had so many balloons tied to my wrist, each one representing someone I needed to forgive. By choosing to forgive, I was cutting those strings and releasing them. Releasing them means that I am no longer holding onto them, but releasing them to God so that He can deal with them. I am no longer demanding repayment from those who hurt me. I am left with the strings around my wrist to decide what to do with. Above all, I am taking ownership of the hurt. It is now mine to choose what to do with. I can harbor it, or give God my wrist (my heart) to take the strings off one by one and heal the hurting and broken places.

Praying through the hurts in my life was not easy. I was in so much denial about the memories and flashbacks and things that I was dealing with that I had no idea what was real and what wasn't. It was hard to say those things out loud that were so shameful and demoralizing. But, I did it. Even after I prayed through things, I still wrestled with the reality of it. I eventually had to write out a statement/permission slip for myself so that I could get past it. My permission slip said that I didn't know if the sexual abuse happened or not, but God did, but that my body, mind, and emotions felt like it did. So, I gave myself permission to feel the emotions and deal with it/grieve it and allow Jesus to come in and heal what was broken.

After I wrote that out and a few days had passed, I realized that the memories, flashbacks, and other things had stopped. My mind was clear and free to think about other things for the first time in over a year. By praying through the hurts in my life and inviting Jesus into those places to bring His healing, I have experienced so much freedom. Life is totally different than it was six months and two weeks ago!

I had always hated myself for many reasons. But at Mercy, I learned to love myself. I learned that I have infinite value and worth. I know now that I am beautiful. Six months ago, if you would have told me I was beautiful, or if you gave me a compliment, I would have thrown it back at you or rejected it because I didn't see it. But I see it now. I am beautiful! It doesn't matter what the world says or even what you say. My Father, the King of kings, declares that I am beautiful. Who am I to argue with Him?

Whenever I made a mistake, I berated myself. I called myself 'stupid' and 'dumb'. At Mercy, though, I learned that mistakes are okay. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes, most of which are no big deal. But, because of people in my life, when I made a mistake, it was the end of the world. But I know now that they are okay, and Jesus loves me despite them.

God became so real to me while at Mercy. I had a counselor once who would ask me if I thought Jesus was with me or if I thought He wanted to be with me. I always said no. But this changed one morning during worship. I think my cousin's birthday was coming up, the one that passed away, and I knew it was going to be a tough day. We always had worship before class in the morning, and this morning was no different. But, it was. On this particular morning, I heard God say that He is with me and He wants to be with me. I chose to believe Him. This has forever changed how I worship, how I respond to God, how I think about Him...everything! He is real! I no longer have a head knowledge or relationship with Him, but it is all heart. I know He is with me. Period.

Last summer, my relationship with my mom took a nosedive. I had some things I needed to confront her with, but was afraid to do it for fear of hurting her. While at Mercy, I was able to talk to her about some things and work on setting boundaries (with her and myself). Our relationship is so much better than it was last year. I am grateful to God for the work He is doing in her and in our relationship. It can only get stronger as God continues to pursue her and work in both of our lives.

I had to grieve a lot of things at Mercy, my cousin being one of them. For a while, I was very shut off from those emotions. But, as I allowed myself to open up to them, they flowed out. I learned that emotions are not bad, because God created me with them, but that I need to allow God into them so that I don't get stuck. Grieving was one of the hardest parts of my journey.

One last thing I had to learn at Mercy was to live my life. It seems like such an easy one, but it's not. I have spent so much of my life in pause mode, trying to deal with issue after issue after issue. But, life doesn't stop when I have an issue. God showed it to me like this:
                  I love to drive. If I could drive and never arrive at a destination, I'd be okay with that. But, living my life is a little like driving. Let's say an issue is the same as a thunder storm, or a red light, or heavy traffic. When you come across one of those while driving, you don't stop for a long period of time. You stop for a red light, and maybe for heavy traffic, but you slow down most of the time. I can't always stop for a long period of time in my life. I have to keep going; keep driving. And I need to let myself enjoy the ride. The lesson I learned through this is that I need to live my life, and when an issue comes up, deal with it then, but then keep going. 
I had spent so much of my life trying to deal with all of my issues right at that time. But that's impossible. I was putting life on hold. This was a great last lesson for me to learn. Another one was that it's okay to be okay. For so long, I was afraid to be okay because when I wasn't okay, I got attention from people. But, I'm coming to realize that people are still going to be there and they are still going to love me even when I don't have an issue. I just have to learn how to have relationships with people that aren't based on my issues. That's my current task.

I may have graduated from Mercy, but I am still a work in progress. Who isn't? But, God has done an incredible work in me. He has healed some major wounds and filled me with His Spirit and with joy and peace. My mind has not been this free in a very long time. Self-injury is no longer an option for me. I have a choice in matters like that. I am walking in trust in a God who is good, infinitely good, faithful, loving, merciful, kind, and Who redeems those who are in the pit. Things between my dad and I are still not resolved, and might not be. But I know that I have a loving Father who is better than any earthly father.

And I know that He's got me. I am in the palm of His hand, and at times in the grip of His loving mercy. And I'm so thankful for it.