But it's all part of life and part of following Christ. He calls us to do things that we don't necessarily want to do, but we have to be obedient. So, in trying to be obedient, I'm praying for His sustaining peace, because I'm anything but peaceful.
I think that God always has lessons He wants us to learn. I really believe that He has a few things that He wants me to learn while I'm in CA. In my fleshly stubbornness and frustration, I don't want to learn anything. I just want out.
But, in the middle of my war, I think I know what I'm supposed to be learning, or have an idea, anyway.
GRACE. I'm learning to have grace with myself, as well as with others. Before Mercy, I was so bound to all of my mistakes and failures. I'm shaking off the heavy chains of my failures with grace. I know that I'm not perfect, and I'm okay with my imperfections, or trying to be anyway.
HUMILITY. I don't know if this is a lesson I'm supposed to learn or not, but it's not a bad one to learn anyway. I'm learning to own up to my shortcomings and mistakes. Owning up to your imperfections is very humbling, not to mention difficult. We all want to believe that we're perfect.
LOVE. I'm learning to love others, despite their quarks that annoy me. Loving difficult people is, well, difficult. Walking in love is a choice. Sometimes, walking in love takes choosing to let things go, whether it's letting go of hurts or unforgiveness.
FORGIVENESS. I've always known that God commands us to forgive, but it's always been easier said than done. I pray to God to help me forgive those who hurt me, realizing that I'm the one who has to help myself. I have to choose to forgive. When I feel like I'm justified in not forgiving, when it seems I'm right and the other person is wrong, that's when God reminds me that He was justified in not forgiving me, but chose to, anyway.
I've grown a lot in this area since Mercy. I'm working on being quick to forgive. If I don't forgive, I know I'll become bitter. It's the 'quick to forgive' part that I'm learning.
PATIENCE. Oh, it's being tried and tested.
TRUST. I'm learning more and more to trust God. His way is the only way. Trust goes along with patience, I think. If I'm patient, and trusting in Him, He'll act on my behalf. There are two verses that I've been clinging to that talk about this. The first is Psalm 5:3 O LORD, in the morning you hear my voice; in the morning I direct my prayer to you and watch. The second is Psalm 37:5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. When I put my trust in Him, there is a calm that comes over me. When I put my trust in my understanding, however, there is chaos. There is a part of me that knows that He knows what He is doing, but sometimes, fear takes hold and causes me to doubt.
Another verse I hold on to is Isaiah 55:8-9 For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts.
I knew that when I came to California I was going to have to trust Him in ways I had never trusted Him before. I'm finding that this is very true. I'm glad that God can be trusted and that He is faithful.
LIFE. Yes, I'm learning life. Before Mercy, I wasn't living. I was surviving. But now, I'm thriving, or at least trying to. I'm trying to bloom where I'm planted.
This is another lesson that I think I'm supposed to be learning, but I'm not sure. I've been thinking about it fro a few days now, and for some reason, it has stayed with me. It's the lesson of UNLEARNING INDEPENDENCE. I know what you must be thinking. 'But, isn't independence a good thing?' Yes, it is, to a certain extent.
I've had to be independent for so much of my life that being dependent on others is very difficult. I have, though, had to be dependent on others for the last few years, especially these last few months. But, it's been very hard because I want to be independent.
I realized that I might need to unlearn independence when my friend's mom was trying to make me more comfortable when I went to bed the other night. It gets very warm upstairs during the day and isn't always cooled off by night time. So, we have fans to help us keep cool. I had the fan the way I wanted it, but she didn't know it was on and so was trying to make sure I was comfortable. She was just taking care of me. I in my independent 'I-don't-need-anyone-to-do-anything-for-me-because-I-can-do-it-myself-because-I've-had-to-for-so-long' mentality told her to leave it alone. I'm not used to, or comfortable with, people doing things like that for me, especially a mom. I'm used to doing it for others.
So, I need to unlearn some independence when it comes to things like that. This translates into my relationship with God. I need to unlearn some independence there, too. He calls, even wants, us to be dependent on Him. I think the dependence we're supposed to have on God is that of a baby with its mother. They can do nothing without their mother doing it for them. John 15:5 says, I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in Me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from Me, you can do nothing. I am finding this verse to be true more and more each day. I can do nothing apart from Him and His strength. He designed me to be forever connected to and dependent on Him. That's a lesson I'm sure I'll always be learning.
I hope something here resonates with you. We will always be in a constant state of learning. Only when Christ comes to take us home with Him will we be perfected. Until then, we will be learning different things and wrestling with our imperfect fleshly selves. I take heart in knowing that no one is perfect and that God is patient and gentle with me, and that He takes brokenness aside. I hope you can take heart in that, too.
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