Rebellious Israelite

I'll be honest: I've been believing a lot of lies about God lately. I've been believing that He's not good, that He will betray my trust, that He is like my earthly dad, and that He is not safe. These are the ones I've identified, but I'm sure there are more.

I learned something from my roommate last year. She was constantly asking me what lies I was believing and then asking me what the truth was. The lesson I learned was to constantly point myself back to the truth when I find I am believing lies. So, that's what I've begun to do. It's time I stop listening to and believing these lies and confront the truth.

In the midst of discovering truth about one of my lies, I came upon Deuteronomy 1:32, but more so, Deuteronomy 1:26-46. It's the account of Israel's rebellion against the Lord. Verse 32 really caught my attention. Here's what it says: "But even after all He did, you refused to trust the Lord your God, who goes before you looking for the best places to camp, guiding you with a pillar of fire by night and a pillar of cloud by day."

I read ahead and was caught by verses 42-45. It reads, "But the Lord told me to tell you, 'Do not attack, for I am not with you. If you go ahead on your own, you will be crushed by your enemies.' This is what I told you, but you would not listen. Instead, you again rebelled against the Lord's command and arrogantly went into the hill country to fight. But the Amorites who lived there came out against you like a swarm of bees. They chased and battered you all the way from Seir to Hormah. Then you returned and wept before the Lord, but He refused to listen. So, you stayed there at Kadesh for a long time."

God told them what to do or not do, and they disobeyed and in the end got hurt. If they would have just trusted Him....

So, I have another confession: I've been a rebellious Israelite. I've not trusted Him, even after all He has done for me. I have refused Him. Maybe it's arrogance, maybe it's fear. Or, maybe it's both. Arrogance because I think that I know what's best for me. Fear because of the lies I've been believing. But, hasn't He proved Himself over and over to me?

Jeremiah 29:11 says that His plans for me are good. Isaiah 55:8-9 says, "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the Lord. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

Isiah 30:18 says, "So the Lord must wait on you to come to Him so He can show you His love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for His help."

I could copy down handfuls of verses that talk about trust and how God is good and trustworthy, but only until I believe them do they have any meaning. Not only believing them, but responding to them give them meaning.

I think the definition of trust is an interesting one. It means:

1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

2. confident expectation of something; hope.

4. a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.

5. the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.

6. the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust.

7. charge, custody, or care: to leave valuables in someone's trust.

8. something committed or entrusted to one's care for use or safekeeping, as an office, duty, or the like; responsibility; charge.

I like number 6, especially. It is the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed. To impose is to thrust something upon others. I think it's interesting that God calls us to trust Him. He invites us to impose on Him the confidence we have that He won't fail or disappoint us. That is something that no human can have imposed upon them and uphold. I also like that He invites us to thrust it upon Him. We don't even have to ask. He wants us to lay our entire being on Him.

I love number 7 of the definition of trust. In one sense, trust is to leave our valuables in someone's trust. And trust in this sense is that person's care, or even in their hands. We are putting our valuables in someone else's hands.

All of the things that God is asking me to trust Him with are valuable. I am being asked to trust Him with the unknown. I value the known. He is asking me to trust Him by giving up my control. I value having control. He is asking me to trust Him with my heart. I value protecting my heart. He is asking me to trust Him by letting Him lead me. I value being able to see where I'm going.

Not only is He asking me to trust Him with these things, but He is asking me to be still and know that He is God. Still means:

1. remaining in place or at rest; motionless; stationary: to stand still.

2. free from sound or noise, as a place or persons; silent: to keep still about a matter.

3. subdued or low in sound; hushed: a still, small voice.

4. free from turbulence or commotion; peaceful; tranquil; calm: the still air.

5. without waves or perceptible current; not flowing, as water.

I have been anything but still these last few weeks. I have been going about, trying to figure out this and make sense of that. I've been talking to many people, trying to get their opinions, hoping they're what I'm looking for, even though I have no idea what I'm searching for. I have had so many questions that I've been trying to figure out the answers to. And all God is asking of me is to be still and know that He is God.

This message was spoken to me multiple times this morning in church. First, a man came up to me and told me that I popped into his mind last night while he was working and the Lord told Him I needed to know to be still and know that He is God. There is no way he could have known I needed to hear that, because he knows nothing of what I'm wrestling with. Then, the worship leader, during the service, said that someone needed to know this morning that God does not want to be among other gods in our lives. He wants to be the only one and He wants to come before, amidst, and after other people, meaning that He wants me to come to Him before other people. I felt she was talking directly to me, so I'm going to write it as if she was. She said that He will answer my questions in His time, and that I need to wait on Him. He will reveal to me what I need to know when I need to know it, but that I need to be still and know that He is God.

I think God is trying to get a message across to me. And I'm being a rebellious Israelite. I've had so many thoughts this week, too. The enemy is definitely trying to work in my life, and I've been allowing him. Some of the thoughts he's put into my head have been about suicide and hurting myself and turning to different things either for comfort or to ignore everything else. I've struggled with turning to food for comfort and then thoughts of getting rid of it by purging. I've felt worthless, abandoned, ashamed, ugly, unwanted, like people can't handle me (God included), hopeless, and I'm sure so much more that I can't yet identify.

I know that if I don't start trusting God, things are just going to be worse for me. It's not only about trusting Him for my own benefit, but it's about being obedient. I don't want to keep running, but I need His help to remain. I don't want to end up like the Israelites: hurt and having my cries ignored by God because I wasn't obedient. I'm at a compromise. I keep going down my path, or I can trust where He is leading me, which He promises is good.

One of the verses I found while I was trying to search for the truth about one of my lies reads, "Then Abraham waited patiently, and he received what God had promised." We all know the story of Abraham. God told him to leave everything he knew and follow Him to a place where He would lead him. Abraham had no idea where he was being led, but He trusted God and followed. God told him that he would be made into a great nation, that He would bless him and make him famous, and that he would be a blessing to others. He told him He would bless those who bless him and curse those who treat him with contempt. He said that all the families on earth would be blessed through him.

That is quite the promise! But God kept it. All Abraham had to do was wait patiently on the Lord and trust Him. God proved Himself faithful, good, and trustworthy in Abraham's situation. This is true even where He asked Abraham to sacrifice his son. What makes me think I'm any different than Abraham, or that God is different today?

God, touch this rebellious Israelite. Thank you for being so patient with me. Please keep pursuing me. Don't give up on me. I'm almost there.

Rend

You’ve been tarnished
And you’ve been stained
And all the varnish you’ve used to cover up with is peeling away

CHORUS
Yet even now, return to me with nothing less
Than your wounded, broken heart
Cling to Me, your gracious King
Be shattered glass of empty jars and rend
Rend, rend, rend
Rend your hearts

You’ve been tarnished
And you’ve been stained
And all the varnish you’ve used to cover up with is peeling away

(Chorus)

I don’t need a grand display
Show me that your heart has changed
I don’t need a show
Only just to know your own heart breaks

'Rend' by Jimmy Needham


I really like this song. It gets to a place that I wish I could hide. This is such a vulnerable place to be. But, through this song, I realize that I don't have to wait until I've got everything together before I go to Him. He wants me to come to Him with and in my brokenness and bring my wounded self under His grace.

Here's what dictionary.com said rend means:
(the

"to separate into parts with force or violence.

to tear apart, split, or divide

to pull or tear violently (often fol. by away, off, up, etc.).

to harrow or distress (the heart) with painful feelings."


I think all of these fit what this song is talking about, but I want to focus in on the last one: to harrow or distress (the heart) with painful feelings. To harrow means "to disturb keenly or painfully; to ravish, violate; despoil". The definition of despoil is "to strip of possessions, things of value".

I also looked up the definition of tarnished which means "to diminish or destroy the purity of; stain". The definition of cling is "to hold tight, as by grasping or embracing; to be or remain close; attachment".

I find these definitions very interesting, and also very difficult when applied to the context of this song. I mean, look at what God is calling us, desiring us, even, to do! I just look at these definitions, and it is so crazy. I mean, our possessions are things we have worked hard to keep, and He is asking us to give them up, literally to strip ourselves of them. And these aren't tangible possessions He is talking about. No, He's talking about the things in our lives that we have hung onto and have not allowed Him to have. If we would just let Him have them, we would find so much healing and freedom.

I look at the definition of tarnished and totally relate to being stained and having my purity destroyed. He sees that and still invites me to come and cling to Him. Cling: to hold tight, as by grasping or embracing. He invites us to just be and remain close to Him. He wants us to attach ourselves to Him, even in our brokenness.

And, to be honest, I hate the other definitions: those of harrow and especially that last definition of rend. He wants us to violate our hearts with painful emotions. One definition of violate is "to break". He wants us to break our hearts with painful emotions.

I looked up what Jimmy Needham had to say about His song. Here's what he says: "The book of Joel speaks of a time of judgment and devastation for God's people because of their sinful ways. And yet, even in the midst of judgment the Father's compassionate hand is extended. "Even now," declares the LORD as He invites Israel to turn from their sins and cling to Him alone. However, as He invites His people back into relationship with himself, there is one requirement from God. "Rend your hearts and not your garments." The word "rend" means to tear apart. What God is saying to them and to us today is this: I don't want a show from you. I want an authentic heart change. Save the performance because I am concerned about genuine repentance, not fabricated repentance."

I might not be on the same track as Needham, but I think it still applies. This song still speaks to me in the sense that it is basically saying to go to let go of my past, which I've been holding onto, and hold onto Him and feel all of the emotions that I've been running from. He wants me to stop pretending that I'm okay and actually have a real change, a real healing, a real freedom, a real deliverance.

All I have to do is be shattered glass of an empty jar and rend this heart He gave me.

It all comes down to trust

There have been so many things going on since I met my dad. I won't bore you with all the mess, my confusion, and my wrestling, but I want to share with you something that I felt the Lord asking me to remember in this time.

One of the things I've been wrestling with is this: In order for the Lord to really heal me, and in order for me to receive complete freedom, am I going to have to remember my past?

Some people say no, and in a sense manipulate Scripture. Why would a good God want to cause pain for His children? He's protecting me by allowing me to not remember, some have said. But, how can you heal from something you don't remember? Can you get freedom from something you don't remember, but have heard about all your life?

It's like this.... Well, I wanted to come up with an analogy, but I can't think of one. Anyway, I've been told all my life that I was abused, but I don't remember it. How can I get healing from it since I don't remember it? Does this analogy work: It's like being told that you lost something, but you don't remember ever losing it, and you have never had that thing, so how do you find it? Maybe this doesn't work, but I hope you get the picture.

Anyway, going back to my question. Is it necessary that I remember the abuse in order to be healed and freed of it? This is my fear: remembering. In my own opinion, I don't know how else I can be healed of it other than by remembering.

And if this is the case, then I'm finally going to get to the point that I've been wanting to make. God reminded me that even if I am caused to remember, God is still good. Even if I do remember, His plan is still good and He is still safe, good, true, loving, trustworthy, and He still has me.

As I was writing this, I Skyped one of my friends to ask her what she thought about all of this. While I was typing my question to her, I realized that does my question really even matter? Either way, God is calling me to trust Him. Whether or not He is going to cause me to remember is really of no concern to me. I just need to obey Him by trusting Him with where He is leading me.

So, the moral of this post is that it all comes down to trust. My doubts, confusion, fears, questions...none of it matters. The only thing that matters is the question of will or won't I trust Him. That's the only answer I need right now.

"I'll tuck you in."

I've always had a hard time when night rolled around. Since I was a little girl, I've been terrified of the night, which includes sleeping and my bed. I believe it stems from my past. I get anxious when it's time to go to bed and I just don't want to, no matter how exhausted I am. Sometimes, it helps to have a light on or to sleep somewhere else, but those things only seem to mask the fear for a little while. It seems my fear knows how to overcome those things.

This might not flow very well, just to let you know. There has been a lot of chaos going on in my life these past few weeks since meeting my dad. I've been trying to run from a lot of emotions that I don't want to deal with. And there are many reasons behind this, but I won't get into it right now. That's for another posting.

But, I have this fear of nighttime. I was at my friend's house last night and her sister started talking to me about being afraid at night. I was surprised, because I wasn't sure how she knew I was dealing with this fear. She was talking about her own fear, and it was comforting to know that someone else was afraid, too. She told me that at one point, God spoke to her and said, "Don't be afraid, you are Mine." To her, that gave great comfort. She said He was saying the same thing to me, but it didn't seem to provide the comfort I needed.

That night before bed, I was praying with my friend. I prayed for peace and for His protection as I slept. As we finished praying, we hugged, and a thought popped into my head. I laughed and, in answer to her confused, "What?", said, "He's waiting to tuck me in."

When I thought about this, the fear seemed to leave and I was actually wanting to get to bed. I've never thought of Him waiting for me at my bedside to tuck me in. But, He is. He's already gone before me to my bed. He's checked under the bed and shooed away all the monsters and He's chased away all the demons from under the covers. He's swiped away all the demons that hang out over my bed and He's ready to tuck me in. Not only will He tuck me in, but He'll sing over me until I fall asleep, and will continue even after I'm already asleep. He'll sit by my bed all night long and protect me. This gives me some comfort. If I think on this, going to bed doesn't seem so bad.

Meeting my dad

So, I want to thank everyone who prayed for me during this time of meeting my dad. I want to let you all know how it went.

I wasn't sure what to expect. I don't think I felt any fear. I walked into it fearless. I was pretty nervous and excited, though. I feel like I could feel everyone's prayers. The day before this meeting, I felt like I was in the shadow of His wing all day. I felt so much peace and calm. I'm pretty sure I was in His arms the entire time.

Anyway, we met at my church at 4:00 on Saturday. He walked in and said "Hey." I said hey back and then he said that I looked good. At that point, I started to cry. I'm not sure what he said after that, because I took the 4 or 5 steps towards him and hugged him. He took me into his arms and hugged me back. This was our first hug in 18 years. I, of course, cried. Hard. I couldn't believe that I was actually feeling my dad's arms around me. He asked if I was okay and told me that he loved me. I was speechless.
After that, I was pretty shaky. We sat down and talked. We talked about my writing: I showed him the report I had done as my internship this summer. I also showed him some things that had recently been published. My roommate and best friend from last year, Laurie, was with me. In one of my letters to him, I had told him that I kind of played the piano. He wrote me back and said he'd love to hear me play. Well, all churches have pianos. So, I pointed it out and he asked if I was going to play for him. I said yes and Laurie and I headed to the piano.
We played our duet (Heart and Soul) first so I could loosen up, and then I set to playing the piano for my dad. When I was done, I felt much more loosened up. He said it was beautiful and that he could listen to it all day.
I got my first birthday present from my dad since I was 2 yesterday, too. When I read the card, I cried, and he was crying, too. It meant a lot.
After that, we continued talking about random things, mostly about my half-sister. It was fun hearing about her. I can't wait to meet her someday.
We talked until about 6 and decided we were hungry. My mom, dad, Laurie, and me went to dinner together. I sat by my dad and enjoyed eating together. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder when we had Laurie take some pictures and I felt safe. I didn't want him to remove his arm. I wanted to put my head on him as his arm was around me. But, I didn't.
When it was time to leave, I really didn't want him to. I hugged him many times, but none seemed to be enough to make up for all the lost hugs. I kept wanting one more. It's hard being back at school, because I just want him here. I want to be able to sit and talk with him, catching up and getting to know him. I also just wish I had another day or two to let it all sink in and process it. I don't even know how to process it.
Oh my word! I met my dad yesterday! I hugged him and he hugged me. Wow! Is this real? I'm sure I'll write more later, but this is all I have for now.

Mishmash

The title of this post is birthed from the numerous thoughts running around in my head that have absolutely nothing to do with one another.

Thought #1
It's been an interesting few weeks. God is doing some crazy things, but I'm not sure exactly what. I just know it's been crazy. He keeps asking me this question: "Mindy, will you trust Me?" I keep not answering. I've been wrestling with doubt. I mean, I know He is good and trustworthy. I know He would never lead me somewhere where I would get hurt. He only has what is good for me. His plans are not to harm me.

So why do I doubt? He has proved me over and over, yet I still doubt when He calls me to walk without knowing where I'm going. I think I know how Abraham felt. And yet Abraham followed. He obeyed. What makes me think I'm any different from Abraham? God was faithful all the way in Abe's situation. Why do I think He won't be in mine?

I keep hearing Him whisper, "Mindy, will you trust Me?" His hand is outstretched, waiting for me to grab hold. I think I've linked pinkies with Him, but my hand is not fully intertwined with His. I think I'll get there, and thankfully, He is patient with me. I feel He wants to lead me to a place I never expected to go. He wants to do more healing: setting free. Do I trust Him enough to follow, and let Him lead?

Thought #2
Tonight was an interesting night. I rode in a car with four other girls to Wal-Mart and back. I was terrified. I felt like the driver was very distracted, and I feared hitting something or running off of the road.

But that wasn't my worst fear.

My worst fear was the police officers that I saw on our way to and from Wal-Mart. I don't like police officers, especially at night. I was afraid they were going to pull us over. I hate the flashing lights. I guess they don't have good memories.

I think one bad memory of police officers at night with their flashing lights was when they came and arrested my dad. It might have been that night that my mom, sister, and I were transported to the hospital in a police car, but I don't remember.

But maybe I'm starting to.

I know I was examined at the hospital (that night). I think I suppressed that. All these memories...I think they are beginning to surface. This goes back to Thought #1 where God is asking me to trust Him. Maybe He wants to unlock the part of my life that has been locked away so that He can bring complete healing and freedom.

And all He wants me to do is trust Him.

Thought #3
I'm thinking of meeting my dad over fall break, which is October 14th-17th. My birthday is the 18th. What a birthday present, huh?

This should be so much more of a bigger deal to me than it is. Maybe I just haven't quite processed it yet. I mean, how does one processes something like this? I mean, I've been talking to my dad over the phone since about the end of July after 18 years of nothing. Crazy? Surreal? You bet.

And now I'm thinking about meeting him. The emotions that go through me when I think about this are fear, excitement, nervousness, anxiousness, and anticipation. Did I mention fear? This is a really big decision, one that I've been thinking about for a while now. Meeting your dad after 18 years isn't something you do everyday.

There are so many questions I have, but I'm not sure if I'll get answers. This, like Thought #2, goes back to my Thought #1. He just wants me to trust Him (my Heavenly Father, that is). It's been said to me that, when praying for me, people can see me walking side by side, hand in hand with my Father. I know He goes before me and beside me, but it's still a little scary. I'm praying, though, that God will open or close this door according to His will. One determining factor in meeting my dad over fall break is finances. If the money is there to travel home, then I will go. But, if it is not there, I will not be meeting my dad yet.

Thought #4
We have a stall in the bathroom in our dorm that has blue paper on the walls. On one side, people can write their favorite scripture. I read one in there today that was from Isaiah 41:13. It reads, "For I hold you by your right hand - I, the Lord your God. And I say to you, 'Don't be afraid. I am here to help you.'"

This definitely speaks to me. In Thought #3, I talked about how people have told me that they can see me holding His hand, walking side by side. When I picture this, I think of Him holding my right hand. I had no idea this verse even said this, let alone existed. Maybe it's because I'm right handed, or maybe it's because He really does hold me by my right hand. Who knows? This verse does bring comfort, however. He is here to help me, whether by leading me or by comforting me. He tells me in this verse that I don't have any reason to be afraid because He is there, and when He is there, nothing can come near and harm me.

It's like the Shepherd and Much-Afraid in 'Hinds' Feet on High Places'. When members of her Fearing family come to taunt and harm her, all she has to do is call the Shepherd's name and He is there, causing her tormentors to flee to safety. He is intimidating to my enemy. When He's around, I don't have to fear. He is also good and will not harm me, which is why He says He is here to help me.

So, going back to my Thought #1, again I hear, "Mindy, will you trust Me? Will you take My hand and let Me lead?"