Daddy

Dads are special to a little girl. They tell her who she is, affirming her as she grows. They fight for her when the boy comes to pick her up. They give her away at her wedding, after walking her down that aisle. They have the first dance. As I write this, I weep for sorrow and for joy.

My dad has been absent from my life since I was three. He was abusive and not a good dad. He shattered my world, and broke me. I have always been sad about this. Growing up, I always wanted a dad. I wanted someone to tell me I was beautiful, to affirm me. I wanted someone to do the father-daughter stuff with. I wanted someone to give that crummy gift I made for father's day at church. I wanted someone to tell me he was proud of me, and that he loved me. I wanted a dad to hold me and let me cry on his shoulder when I hurt. I wanted a dad who would take me in his arms, throw me up in the air and onto his shoulders. I wanted a dad to laugh and cry with. I wanted a dad.

This year has been one of growth for me. I have grown spiritually in ways I never thought possible. God has been showing me things about Himself and me that are beyond my imagination.

One of these things is that He is my Daddy.

Daddy. It is a term of endearment. God. He's so powerful, yet He allows me to call Him 'Abba'. Throughout these last two months, that is what I have been getting to know Him as.

And what I have been finding is amazing, beyond anything I can comprehend. He loves me. He is for me. He will never leave or forsake me. He is good. He is Dad.

He is fixing what my earthly father broke. He is filling my daddy hole in my heart.

I know that He is better than any dad here on earth, because the things He says to me and about me are true. If an earthly father were to say them, they would be empty. But His words are so full of life and truth and love. He looks on me with compassion as a father looks upon his child. I am His child. He is my Daddy.

But at times, it is so hard. I long for an earthly father to hold me and do all the things fathers do. It hurts. There is sorrow that cannot be put into words.

And yet, there is a joy. I know that while I do not have an earthly father, I have a Heavenly Father who is so much better.

He says that I am beautiful. He loves me no matter what I do. He is proud of me. He has walked through all of the difficulties I have been through. He will never reject or abandon me. He fights battles for me. I can trust Him so completely and without hesitation. He will not fail. I can take Him everywhere with me. He never leaves my side. He sings to me and dances over me while I sleep. He takes great delight in His creation. He formed me in my mom's womb, and knew me before I was born. Who can say that about their dad?

My Dad created the stars I gaze and wonder at. He created the trees that I love and take so much joy in. He paints the morning sunrise and the evening sunsets that take my breath away. My name is written on His palm. Who can say that about their dad?

While I don't understand the purpose for not having an earthly father, I find that if I did, I would not know God as Daddy like I do.

And I have the hope that, one day, I will see my Daddy face to face. I will be able to sit in His lap. He will take me into His strong arms, swing me into the air, and land me on His shoulders. We will laugh together and He will call me "sweetie", as He does now. I know that when I get Home, He will have a new name that only He and I will know.

There is so much more I could say, but words cannot capture my Dad. My soul groans with things about my Dad I can't express. All I can say is that my Dad is the best in all the world, no lie. He's God.