So, you know the little girl who is screaming, kicking, and flailing while her dad holds her in his arms and her fit only makes him hold onto her even tighter? That's me. And I'm done throwing my tantrum. I'm ready to surrender.
Surrender. My definition is 'letting go; to give up; to release my grip on whatever it is I'm holding onto so tightly.'
I've been fighting for a really long time. It's only about time I wore myself to exhaustion with this tantrum. So, what have I been holding onto?
A longing. A desire. A dream.
A longing, a desire, and a dream that one day, I will know the hug of an earthly father; that I will know what it is to be able to cry on a dad's shoulder, sit in his lap...to have a physically intimate relationship with a daddy that is completely innocent and pure.
But, I know this is not possible here on earth.
I also know that God can fill this longing. But, how? He's not a physical God; He's not tangible.
This is where my dilemma falls: How do I have this physically intimate father/daughter relationship with a God who is not tangible?
The answer: He wants me to stop looking to others to fill them, because they can't. He wants me to look to the One who can. He wants me to give those desires, longings, and dreams back to the One who gave them to me in the first place.
Whoa! Wait! What? Give them back?!?
I know. That's what I thought. I thought, "How can I do that? That is admitting they will never be filled on earth in the tangible way I want."
He has shown me through my wrestling with Him on this that no, they will never be filled the way I want, but they will be filled. And if they will never be filled on earth, why hang onto something that will only remain empty?
He will fill them. Not only is He able, but He is willing.
It just won't be the way I want or am expecting.
He knows what is best for me. He knows me inside and out.
But, to surrender this means I have to have a child-like faith, and the trust a child has in her father.
God has already shown me He is good in other areas. What makes me think He won't be in this area? Of course, the enemy and the doubts he puts into my mind. But, Satan is a liar. So, what he tells me is a lie. I know my God is good.
So, this trust I need to have...it's a feeling like none I can explain. It is the calm after the storm. It's the daughter hanging limp in her Father's arms after she's exhausted herself from her tantrum. It's knowing that nothing bad is going to happen, because she is in her Father's arms and they are strong. It is knowing that He wasn't about to let her go during her tantrum, and He's not going to now. It's knowing that He walks beside her, hand in hand, down a road unknown to her. It is knowing that it is safe to surrender.
And I know all of these things, because He is good.
Jehovah-Jireh: my God who provides.
When I look back over my life, there are things that can only be explained as being from the living God. When there were times I was in need, it was by His hand that He provided. Whether it was a financial, health, relationship or any other need, He was faithful to provide. Through the times I had to depend on Him and His provision as the only way to make it through, I learned that He is a good God, faithful to His children. I learned that He can be trusted. I learned that He knows what I need and will provide.
I only have to ask, and my Father will bless.
He is Jehovah-Jireh, my God who provides.
I know that He will provide for all of my needs. But, there comes a point where I am tired of finding myself in the same situation over and over again.
What am I not learning? What have I missed?
If it's tithing, I'll start tithing.
If it's trust, I'll trust You more.
If it's that I shouldn't worry, I'll believe more that you will take care of me, and I won't fret.
If it's that when You call me You'll make the way, I'll believe.
If it's to not say "I can't" because of insufficiency when You say 'Go here' or 'Do this', I'll learn that You make me sufficient.
If it's to draw me closer to Yourself, I'll come as close as You want.
If it's to love You more, I will.
If it's to know that all things are possible through You who give me strength, I'll know it with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength.
If it's to depend more on Your strength, and not my own, I'll lean so heavily on You that I will fall over if one of us moves.
If it's to let You fight my battles for me, I'll hand You my sword.
If it's to get out of Your seat, I'll move.
But, why does this keep coming up? Why am I here yet again?
Teach me.
Dads are special to a little girl. They tell her who she is, affirming her as she grows. They fight for her when the boy comes to pick her up. They give her away at her wedding, after walking her down that aisle. They have the first dance. As I write this, I weep for sorrow and for joy.
My dad has been absent from my life since I was three. He was abusive and not a good dad. He shattered my world, and broke me. I have always been sad about this. Growing up, I always wanted a dad. I wanted someone to tell me I was beautiful, to affirm me. I wanted someone to do the father-daughter stuff with. I wanted someone to give that crummy gift I made for father's day at church. I wanted someone to tell me he was proud of me, and that he loved me. I wanted a dad to hold me and let me cry on his shoulder when I hurt. I wanted a dad who would take me in his arms, throw me up in the air and onto his shoulders. I wanted a dad to laugh and cry with. I wanted a dad.
This year has been one of growth for me. I have grown spiritually in ways I never thought possible. God has been showing me things about Himself and me that are beyond my imagination.
One of these things is that He is my Daddy.
Daddy. It is a term of endearment. God. He's so powerful, yet He allows me to call Him 'Abba'. Throughout these last two months, that is what I have been getting to know Him as.
And what I have been finding is amazing, beyond anything I can comprehend. He loves me. He is for me. He will never leave or forsake me. He is good. He is Dad.
He is fixing what my earthly father broke. He is filling my daddy hole in my heart.
I know that He is better than any dad here on earth, because the things He says to me and about me are true. If an earthly father were to say them, they would be empty. But His words are so full of life and truth and love. He looks on me with compassion as a father looks upon his child. I am His child. He is my Daddy.
But at times, it is so hard. I long for an earthly father to hold me and do all the things fathers do. It hurts. There is sorrow that cannot be put into words.
And yet, there is a joy. I know that while I do not have an earthly father, I have a Heavenly Father who is so much better.
He says that I am beautiful. He loves me no matter what I do. He is proud of me. He has walked through all of the difficulties I have been through. He will never reject or abandon me. He fights battles for me. I can trust Him so completely and without hesitation. He will not fail. I can take Him everywhere with me. He never leaves my side. He sings to me and dances over me while I sleep. He takes great delight in His creation. He formed me in my mom's womb, and knew me before I was born. Who can say that about their dad?
My Dad created the stars I gaze and wonder at. He created the trees that I love and take so much joy in. He paints the morning sunrise and the evening sunsets that take my breath away. My name is written on His palm. Who can say that about their dad?
While I don't understand the purpose for not having an earthly father, I find that if I did, I would not know God as Daddy like I do.
And I have the hope that, one day, I will see my Daddy face to face. I will be able to sit in His lap. He will take me into His strong arms, swing me into the air, and land me on His shoulders. We will laugh together and He will call me "sweetie", as He does now. I know that when I get Home, He will have a new name that only He and I will know.
There is so much more I could say, but words cannot capture my Dad. My soul groans with things about my Dad I can't express. All I can say is that my Dad is the best in all the world, no lie. He's God.
I once was so lost,
but now I'm found.
I was so bound,
but now I'm free.
He has broken my chains,
and I'll say it again:
I am free!
I sat in darkness so dark
I thought I'd never escape.
I thought light was a thing of my past.
I thought it would never pierce my darkness.
But I was wrong.
Light came.
My demons surrounded me,
taunted me,
haunted me.
They made escape seem impossible.
I dreamed of things at night that haunted me in the day.
My demons laughed in my face those nightmarish nights.
They tormented me,
refusing to let go.
I had cutting,
and I had fear.
I had anger,
and I had pain.
I had shame,
and I had hate.
My head was downcast,
my eyes refused to meet yours.
It seemed I had lost my faith.
I clawed at what I doubted, and could not see.
The demons inside screamed when I was in church.
They demanded I deny His existence.
But, I couldn't.
Those words would not come out of my mouth.
Something would not let them.
I should be dead,
in the ground.
That demon suicide teased me.
He almost won.
But, I had a Spirit inside me, fighting for me.
He was my will to live, to remain alive,
even when I wanted to give up.
By God's grace alone I am alive.
He sustained me.
He carried me.
He was my light.
He brought me up out of the pit I was in.
He set my feet on the rock,
and put a new song in my mouth.
He filled me to overflowing with joy.
And He gave me the victory.
Today is April 7th.
I celebrate two months of victory over and freedom from my demons of self-injury and suicidal thoughts.
I'll declare it for all to hear:
I AM FREE!!!
He broke my chains and delivered me!
I AM FREE!!!
This day means so much to so many people. Without it, we wouldn't be able to have life. The event that happened on this day is an event like none other. On this day, one man gave His live for the entire world. Three days later, something else happened that has never happened in the history of man and never will: He rose again.
My mom always told me that she would die for me, taking my place. She would go through the fire for me, take a bullet for me, do anything to let me live. And if my dad would have been in my life, I know he would have, too.
But, the greatest thing is that neither of them have to. It's already been done. There is a man who has already taken the cross for me. I never have to worry about it. My Father already died for me. He loves me so much that He took my place on that cruel cross.
I have been reflecting this morning about Christ and His love for me. It is overwhelming. I cannot comprehend it. It is amazing. He took my sins upon Himself when He died for me on the cross that should have been mine. I am forever grateful, but don't have the words to express so.
I just can't wait until the day He comes for me! That is what this day has made possible: that I might live and He would come back for me one day. I cannot wait until I can see Him face to face and sit in His lap for all of eternity.
Father, thank you for making this possible. Thank you for choosing to die for me, taking my place, and rising again. I am yours! Thank you for this day we call Easter Sunday!
I was just sitting outside my friend's cabin in Deep Creek Lake, Maryland. I turned off the outside lights so I could better see the stars. When the lights were on, I could hardly see any stars. Going back out after turning off the lights, I was speechless. The stars were amazing! There were so many! And they were all so beautiful!
As I sat there, being the thinker I am, I began pondering God's crazy, yet awesome, character. I mean, He created each of those stars. He breathed them into being, knows each of them by name, yet loves me more than one of them. How nuts is that?
But, it's not. It's amazing.
It's love. Pure, unconditional love.
I mean, who am I? Who am I that He loves me? I am so small compared to just one of those stars, and there are gazillions of them! Yet, He loves me. He chooses to love me. I don't have to do anything to earn it, and there is nothing I can do to lose it. That's what is so amazing about my God.
And not only is He my God, but He's my Daddy.
My Daddy made all those stars! Wow!
