The LORD your God

I've been looking up Scripture about not fearing for an art idea I have. As I'm reading through all of these verses that say "fear not", I've come across one other thing they have in common. Many of them contain, "the LORD your God". I read verse after verse that contained that phrase and each time something moved in my spirit.

The LORD your God.

It's comforting, isn't it? It ought to be, if we know who God really is. He's personal...He's not just your neighbor's God, your friend's God, your mom's God...He's your God.

I don't know about you, but when I read that, it does something to me. It gives me hope, confidence, boldness...it enables me to stand once more in the face of difficulty. He's not just some God...He's MY God.

Take heart, beloved. He's not a far off God...unreachable and unapproachable. He's right here, closer than you can imagine...and He is YOUR God.

Worship - An Audience of One

I've been challenged lately by my own thoughts about worship. Here are the questions floating through my mind:

-What would churches be like if we really did worship unto the Audience of One?

-How would my worship be different if I didn't care what other people thought or thought of me?

-Why does my worship need to be dignified?

I am finally sitting face to face with these questions and I find myself thinking of David Crowder's song, Undignified. If you've never listened to it, the video is at the end of this post. It's a great worship song that talks about becoming more undignified 'than this'. Here are the lyrics:

I will dance
I will sing
To be mad
For my King
Nothing Lord
Is hindering
This passion in my soul

Chorus:
And I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Some may say
It's foolishness
But I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Leave my pride
By my side
And I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Some may say
It's foolishness
But I'll become
Even more undignified than this
Than this

La, la, la, la, la, HEY!
La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, HEY!
La, la, la, la, la

It's all for You my Lord!

So, is this about pride? I think so. Webster's definition of pride is 'a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.' Hmm....  Jesus gave up His dignity when He was crucified on the cross for us, so can't we give up ours for Him?

I know that for me, every week in church is a battle for my pride. I have so experienced God in such a real way that my soul is shouting for joy, but because of pride, my mouth won't. I want to jump up and down and worship so wildly, like King David dancing before the Lord, but my pride stops me. "What will everyone think of me?" is the question that always runs through my head during church. 

But, I'm not worshiping them. My worship is not for them. So, why should I care what they think if I jump up and down or shout at the top of my lungs? It's not like it's not in the Bible. "Shout for joy..." Psalm 98:4, "Let them praise His name with dancing..." Psalm 149:3. 

Leave my pride by my side.... My King deserves my worship. Now, let me clarify something. I'm not saying that this is how everyone should worship. I'm sure that for some people, leaving their pride by their side involves lifting their hands, not necessarily dancing wildly. Everyone worships differently. I'm talking about setting pride aside and not caring who's watching or what anyone thinks, but having that love and madness inside of us for our King Jesus that we refuse to let our pride hold us back. 

I am definitely challenged to start worshiping to the Audience of One. I'm challenging myself to lay my pride by my side and let my worship reflect outwardly the way I feel toward my King. 

Baptism

 Today was a very significant day. It tied together the last 6 or so months of my life. 

The decision to be baptized had been in the making since July 18th. I received a voice mail that day from a woman who works at Sierra Bible Church, the church I'm attending here in CA. She told me about the baptism service being held on August 5th and wanted to know if I was interested in participating. At first, I dismissed her message, as I had been baptized before. But, as the day wore on, the thought of it wore on my mind. 

I had been baptized before, when I was in middle school or something, but I don't remember the date or year. It really didn't mean much to me then, either. But, the decision to be baptized today held much significance. 

2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" (NIV & NLT combined) This is me. I decided to be baptized today because it represents so much. So many things happened in my life in the time I spent at Mercy; my life was transformed there. God became real to me. I had always been a 'Christian', but, had I? I was so double-minded at times and my faith wavered. My walk with God was anything but stable. I was in and out, up and down. One day I hated Him, another I needed Him. I blamed Him for my pain, thinking He was the author of it. I didn't think He loved me and I didn't know who I was. 

But all that is changed now. I have always been redeemed, but I'm living like it now. Being baptized today was my declaration that I am, from this day on, living in the resurrection life that Jesus Christ died to give me. The old man really is gone. I am new! Before Mercy, I was dead. Now, I'm alive. 

I shouldn't have received that voice mail about baptism. I never filled anything about about being interested in baptism, nor did I say anything to anyone about it. But, I don't think it was a coincidence. No, with God, nothing is a coincidence. He ordained my baptism today. 

Tripping on fear

I went hiking today around Pinecrest Lake. It was a beautiful day for a hike, with the birds singing and the sun shining off of the lake. But something could have caused me to miss out on the beauty around me: fear. Let me explain:

The trail that I was on was such that you had to look where you were going at all times, otherwise you could trip on protruding tree roots, rocks, sticks, pine cones, etc. Well, guess who tripped? I didn't see a protruding tree root and tripped on it. I stumbled for a few seconds, trying to catch myself, but I ended up tumbling to the ground.

I got up, however, and continued on the hike. For a few steps, I wrestled with fear. What if it happens again? What if I fall again and it's worse than just a scraped hand? I could have turned around and not finished the hike. But I would have missed out on all the beauty surrounding me, on what was ahead of me.

I realized that this often happens in life. We trip on something and fall to the ground. But, instead of getting back up and continuing on, we either stay down or turn back around for fear of falling again. By doing that, we miss out on what's ahead of us.

So next time you trip, get up and keep going. It might happen again, and it might be worst than the fall before it, but the beauty of life is worth the risk.

Dear God,

If You wouldn't have sent Your Son, where would I be? I shudder at the thought of it. Most of my life has been a mess. But that didn't bother You. You pursued me all the same. You were there in the darkness when I thought I was all alone. You ran after me when I ran from you. You loved me when I hated You. You loved me when I hated me. You never gave up on me.

God, I can't thank You enough. And words fail me when I try. You truly have delivered me from the pit. You delivered me from the darkness and now I stand redeemed. If it hadn't been for Your love, I would have succumbed to the enemy's plan for my destruction; I would still be sitting in the slime I was in, drinking self-hatred and injecting more lies. Death had its grip on me, but You said "No, she's Mine." You fought for me.

Because of You, I'm alive. Your breath fills up my lungs and I am free. I no longer walk in darkness, but in the light of Your Presence. You are good. I'm sorry that I ever doubted Your goodness; doubted that You were trustworthy and faithful. You've never given me a reason to think otherwise. I am humbled by Your love. It is unconditional. You love me even on my worst day. And I don't understand it, but I know it's true. Oh God, I know it's true! What other reason than love would You surrender Your Son for me? And for what other reason would He obey? It wasn't my sin that held Him to the cross. It was His love for me. The scars on His hands...I'm so grateful for them. My healing was in the stripes on His back.

My healing. I am healed. I am made whole. I never imagined I would ever live healed. I thought my scars and wounds ran too deep, too deep even for You to reach. I thought I was too lost, too much of a mess. I didn't think You were there. I thought I was too dirty from the things done to me for You to ever love. But, what I thought has been ruined. My scars and wounds were not too deep for You. I was not too lost or too messy. When I didn't think You were there, You were. I was not too dirty for You to love. You picked me up all the same and held me close. You touched those places in me that were broken by abuse, hatred, anger, betrayal...and you healed them. You touched those places that were in confusion and brought peace. You opened my eyes to see the beauty you placed in me, to see myself the way You do. You opened my eyes to see my worth.

You have freed me, redeemed me, set my feet upon the solid rock and put a new song in my mouth.

And who am I that You are mindful of me? I am Your daughter. And You, my King, are my Daddy.

I love you.

Your Princess,
Mindy

Lessons

So, God has me in a place I don't want to be, and I can't do anything about it. I've really been struggling with being here in CA. I want to leave. My flesh and spirit are at war with one another. My spirit knows things my flesh doesn't care about. I'm in a constant battle to do the things I don't want to do, and to not do the things I want to do.

But it's all part of life and part of following Christ. He calls us to do things that we don't necessarily want to do, but we have to be obedient. So, in trying to be obedient, I'm praying for His sustaining peace, because I'm anything but peaceful.

I think that God always has lessons He wants us to learn. I really believe that He has a few things that He wants me to learn while I'm in CA. In my fleshly stubbornness and frustration, I don't want to learn anything. I just want out.

But, in the middle of my war, I think I know what I'm supposed to be learning, or have an idea, anyway.

GRACE. I'm learning to have grace with myself, as well as with others. Before Mercy, I was so bound to all of my mistakes and failures. I'm shaking off the heavy chains of my failures with grace. I know that I'm not perfect, and I'm okay with my imperfections, or trying to be anyway.

HUMILITY. I don't know if this is a lesson I'm supposed to learn or not, but it's not a bad one to learn anyway. I'm learning to own up to my shortcomings and mistakes. Owning up to your imperfections is very humbling, not to mention difficult. We all want to believe that we're perfect.

LOVE. I'm learning to love others, despite their quarks that annoy me. Loving difficult people is, well, difficult. Walking in love is a choice. Sometimes, walking in love takes choosing to let things go, whether it's letting go of hurts or unforgiveness.

FORGIVENESS. I've always known that God commands us to forgive, but it's always been easier said than done. I pray to God to help me forgive those who hurt me, realizing that I'm the one who has to help myself. I have to choose to forgive. When I feel like I'm justified in not forgiving, when it seems I'm right and the other person is wrong, that's when God reminds me that He was justified in not forgiving me, but chose to, anyway.
I've grown a lot in this area since Mercy. I'm working on being quick to forgive. If I don't forgive, I know I'll become bitter. It's the 'quick to forgive' part that I'm learning.

PATIENCE. Oh, it's being tried and tested.

TRUST. I'm learning more and more to trust God. His way is the only way. Trust goes along with patience, I think. If I'm patient, and trusting in Him, He'll act on my behalf. There are two verses that I've been clinging to that talk about this. The first is Psalm 5:3 O LORD, in the morning you hear my voice; in the morning I direct my prayer to you and watch. The second is Psalm 37:5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. When I put my trust in Him, there is a calm that comes over me. When I put my trust in my understanding, however, there is chaos. There is a part of me that knows that He knows what He is doing, but sometimes, fear takes hold and causes me to doubt.
Another verse I hold on to is Isaiah 55:8-9 For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts.
I knew that when I came to California I was going to have to trust Him in ways I had never trusted Him before. I'm finding that this is very true. I'm glad that God can be trusted and that He is faithful.

LIFE. Yes, I'm learning life. Before Mercy, I wasn't living. I was surviving. But now, I'm thriving, or at least trying to. I'm trying to bloom where I'm planted.

This is another lesson that I think I'm supposed to be learning, but I'm not sure. I've been thinking about it fro a few days now, and for some reason, it has stayed with me. It's the lesson of UNLEARNING INDEPENDENCE. I know what you must be thinking. 'But, isn't independence a good thing?' Yes, it is, to a certain extent.
I've had to be independent for so much of my life that being dependent on others is very difficult. I have, though, had to be dependent on others for the last few years, especially these last few months. But, it's been very hard because I want to be independent.
I realized that I might need to unlearn independence when my friend's mom was trying to make me more comfortable when I went to bed the other night. It gets very warm upstairs during the day and isn't always cooled off by night time. So, we have fans to help us keep cool. I had the fan the way I wanted it, but she didn't know it was on and so was trying to make sure I was comfortable. She was just taking care of me. I in my independent 'I-don't-need-anyone-to-do-anything-for-me-because-I-can-do-it-myself-because-I've-had-to-for-so-long' mentality told her to leave it alone. I'm not used to, or comfortable with, people doing things like that for me, especially a mom. I'm used to doing it for others.

So, I need to unlearn some independence when it comes to things like that. This translates into my relationship with God. I need to unlearn some independence there, too. He calls, even wants, us to be dependent on Him. I think the dependence we're supposed to have on God is that of a baby with its mother. They can do nothing without their mother doing it for them. John 15:5 says, I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in Me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from Me, you can do nothing. I am finding this verse to be true more and more each day. I can do nothing apart from Him and His strength. He designed me to be forever connected to and dependent on Him. That's a lesson I'm sure I'll always be learning.

I hope something here resonates with you. We will always be in a constant state of learning. Only when Christ comes to take us home with Him will we be perfected. Until then, we will be learning different things and wrestling with our imperfect fleshly selves. I take heart in knowing that no one is perfect and that God is patient and gentle with me, and that He takes brokenness aside. I hope you can take heart in that, too.

Redeemed

This is my anthem right now. I am redeemed. I've always been redeemed, but now I'm living in it.

It's amazing the things God can redeem. There have been so many things in my life that I thought were nonredeemable. Maybe sometimes I forget who my God is. He can redeem anything. 

I'm not who I used to be. That couldn't be any truer in my case. When I look back on who I used to be before Mercy, I cringe. But, it amazes me that God loves the girl that I used to be, just as He loves the girl I am now. Isn't that crazy? When we're at our worst, He loves us all the same: not more, not less. 

I used to hate my name. I hated that it was Mindy. It seemed like such a girly name and it didn't fit me. But, more than my name, I hated myself. I hated who I was. I saw myself as fat, ugly, dirty, worthless, useless....I didn't want to be me. God has been redeeming that, though. I love myself now. I love who I am. I know who I am. I didn't have any idea who I was before. I love my name. I am cute. I am beautiful. I am clean. I am loved. I am a girl and I'm okay with that. My sexuality is being redeemed. I never thought that was possible.

I never thought my mind would or could be so free and clear as it is right now. Before Mercy, my mind was plagued with so many things that haunted me day and night. I couldn't really think about anything other than what was going on inside my mind. There was so much darkness there. But God has redeemed my mind. Hallelujah! My mind is so clear and free! I don't know if I ever remember a time it was free. The darkness is gone and so are the things that haunted it before. For the first time in a long time, I am able to think about things that are outside of myself. My mind isn't spending energy trying to process anything traumatic, like it was before. 

My emotions have also been redeemed. I know it's okay to express emotion. Before, I hated emotion, especially crying. I know that I don't have to be slave to my emotions. And I know that I'm not alone in them. God is with me in every single emotion and He accepts me in them. 

Life and joy have been restored to me. Sometimes I get a little mournful, because so much time has been lost in my life trying to deal with the issues I had. My college years are one of the things I mourn. If I could, I would take my post-Mercy self, rewind time, and do college again. But, I can't. So I put my trust in the God who has redeemed so much already, trusting Him to redeem the time that the locusts have eaten. 

I will never be the same girl I was before Mercy. God has redeemed me from the pit of hell. He has set my feet on the rock that is His salvation and has put a new song in my mouth. To Him be the glory! 

_______________________________

Seems like all I can see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me “son
stop fighting a fight that’s already been won”

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I’ll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain
Now I’m not who I used to be
I am redeemed
I’m redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, “Child lift up your head”
I remember oh God, You’re not done with me yet 

Because I don’t have to be the old man inside of me
Cause his day is long dead and gone
Because I’ve got a new name, a new life I’m not the same
And a hope that will carry me home

Oh God I’m not who I used to be
Jesus I’m not who I used to be
‘Cause I am redeemed
Thank God, redeemed