He Doesn’t Play Tricks

 Why am I so afraid to trust what He says? Why am I afraid to trust that I don’t have to earn His love and that I am already righteous because of what He did for me? I want to trust it, but I’m scared to. 

These were the things I said to my pastor when we spoke after the class he taught. About a year ago, he taught a class about what it means to be a Christian. He talked about being centered in Christ, trusting that we are in Christ because of what Jesus did, rather than relying on our own works and efforts. I so desperately wanted to trust and believe what he was saying, but was scared to. I was scared that if I trusted it, at some point it would all come crashing down because it wasn’t really true. I was scared that if I trusted it, the rug would be pulled from beneath me. 

I had felt that way for a long time, but couldn’t identify why. And I didn’t know what to do about it. I also struggled with believing God was truly good. I feared trusting Him, worried that He’d say one thing but do another. That’s what I had experienced in my life, anyway. People have often said one thing but done another. My earliest experiences with people I should have been able to trust taught me that people lie and that you can’t trust them. The abuse I went through taught me that I wasn’t safe with anyone and that a person could be nice one minute but hurt you the next. No wonder I struggled so much with God. 

Recently, I texted a friend to ask how God can be both husband and father. I’ve never liked the idea that He is both, especially as my experiences with a father early in life were sexual when they never should have been. I shared with her that because of the trauma I went through, I often interpret things in a sexual way. For example, when I read in scripture that Jesus wanted the little children to come to Him, I think it’s because He wanted to do bad things to them. She assured me that sexual acts toward children is not any type of love. It is abuse and God is not in any way an abuser of His children. She reminded me of a verse that has always caught my attention: “….God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all” (1 John 1:5). Another verse along these lines is James 1:17, which says He is “…the Father of lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” 

I dug into these two verses because I wanted to know if God was really safe. Was there really no darkness in Him? What does that mean, anyway? My Bible had a note that said God’s character never changes, and that this is in contrast with the variation of the night changing to day or the shifting shadow caused by the sun or moon. The word “shadow” means, “a small degree or portion: trace; partial darkness or obscurity….; a dark figure cast upon a surface by a body intercepting the rays from a source of light.” As I thought about all of that, a thought occurred to me that if there is no darkness in Him, there are no hidden or lurking thoughts. Scripture tells us He is the Light of the world. Light cannot dwell with darkness, because light casts out darkness. Light always dispels it. So, I reasoned, He cannot be Light and have dark and evil thoughts and intentions. Not only that, but darkness can never overcome the light- so if He doesn’t change, then there will never ever be darkness in Him. 

As I wrote that last thought, a new one occurred to me: He will never trick me. He will never be one way, then change and be a different way. There is nothing veiled- He’s not hiding anything. He doesn’t have false motives or hidden agendas. What He says about Himself is who He is. The trauma I endured introduced me to a false jesus. This jesus wanted to do bad things to me. He was scary and angry. He played tricks so I would do what he wanted. But the real Jesus, the One who doesn’t change and who is Light itself? The Jesus who has no darkness in Him at all? He doesn’t play tricks. I can trust what He says and the rug will never be pulled out from beneath me. 

Not only that, but He will never change the rules. This was what had me so scared. During the trauma I endured, the rules were often changed and I was tricked a lot. It caused me to fear that if I trusted that my righteousness is through faith in Jesus, and not the things I could do or the sins I strove not to commit, that at some point, the rules would be changed and it would indeed be all on me. But, because He doesn’t change, He also doesn’t change the rules. I found comfort in Numbers 23:19 that says, “God is not a man, that He should lie, or a son of man, that He should change His mind. Has He said, and will He not do it? Or has He spoken, and will He not fulfill it?” 

God is truthful. He never lies (Titus 1:2). He does not change His mind like you and I do. Tricking is a form of deception, though it is not always a direct lie. But, there is no trickery in Him. There is no deception in Him. He. Does. Not. Play. Tricks. He is a good Father and a good God and can be taken at His word. 

Made

I have found truth in the adage that says your experience with your parents will influence your view of God. 

For years, I have struggled in my relationship with Him, seeing Him through the lens of my experience with my mother and father. Both of them were abusive sexually, physically, and emotionally, and I believed God to be, too. I believed Him to be quick to anger, as my parents were. Growing up, when I’d misbehave, my mother would threaten to send me to live with my sexually abusive father. It not only terrified me, but instilled in me a belief that if I don’t behave, I will be sent away. With God, this caused me to believe that if I sinned or couldn’t get it together, He would leave me. 

Because my parents showed me conditional love, I struggled to believe God’s unconditional love. I thought there had to be strings attached, or thought I had to earn His love and strive to keep it. I constantly compared Him to my parents, fearing He would be just like them. It caused me to keep Him at arm’s length. 

One day, as I sat outside on the porch talking to the Lord about my fear that He would be like my parents, I heard Him say, “Your parents were made in My image; I was not made in theirs.” I reflected on that for a few minutes and was dumbfounded. He was right. My parents were made in His image, not the other way around. In fact, God was not made. He always has been. 

As I continued to reflect on this and allow Him to speak to my heart, I sensed Him saying that my parents were made in His image, but they did not reflect it. They did not reflect His love or His heart for me. They did not reflect His kindness, gentleness, or safety. When I reflected on what He said about Himself not being made in their image, I realized I no longer could compare Him to my parents. I didn’t even know who He was. I could no longer let my experience with my parents influence my view of Him, because my experience didn’t tell me the truth about who God is and what He’s like. 

Over the years since that day on the porch, I’ve slowly gotten to know Him. He is kinder than I believed Him to be, and gentler, too. His love is unconditional and I don’t have to do anything to earn it or keep it. It just is. I’ve learned and am learning that He is safe and that He will never hurt me. He will never manipulate me or use coercion to get me to do something. He is slow to anger and abounding in love for me. 

I’m so thankful He was not made in the image of my parents. Because He was not made in their image, He’s not capable of being anything like them. If you’re like me and had abusive experiences with your parents or with someone who should have reflected God to you, know that it isn’t how God is. He wasn’t made in their image. They were made in His. And they did not reflect His image to you. Ask Him to show you who He really is and what He’s like. I bet it’ll be far better than you’ve made Him to be. 

Jesus is Trauma-Informed

My counselor threw her head back and laughed as I excitedly described my discovery that Jesus is trauma-informed. I had never heard this taught in church, never heard it in a sermon or teaching, yet there it was. Yet, it almost felt like a theological no-no to declare it. But, He is. And He was before “trauma-informed” even became a thing. 

I discovered this truth while reading the story of the lost sheep in Luke 15:1-7. In vs. 5, it says Jesus lays the sheep on His shoulders. My Bible notes that the sheep was too weak to return on its own. As I read, I wondered why Jesus didn’t beat the sheep to keep it from running away in the first place. Because doesn’t He want our obedience? Doesn’t He demand it? I also wasn’t sure why Jesus wasn’t mad at the sheep for getting lost. 

As I thought about the questions I had, I reflected that perhaps He didn’t get mad at the sheep because He understands that sheep get scared at times and run off. Maybe, I thought, He loves the sheep and is just relieved to have found it. He doesn’t beat the sheep into submission because that’s not love. He wants the sheep to want Him- He doesn’t force or coerce. He loves and welcomes. 

And He goes after other lost sheep because He loves them. He is kind, not angry. 

As I thought about all of this, I thought of a verse I recently had read that I was curious about. Matthew 12:20 (and Isaiah 42:3) says, “A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not quench.” My Bible noted here that “Jesus the servant compassionately cares for those who have been abused.” I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I don’t know that I had ever heard a sermon about how Jesus compassionately cares for those who had been abused, and I’ve been in the church for a long time. But, here it was in my Bible’s study notes. Webster’s definition of compassionately is “having or showing compassion.” The definition of compassion is “sympathetic consciousness of others’ features together with a desire to alleviate it; sorrow or the capacity to feel sorrow for another’s suffering or misfortune.” 

After looking up these definitions, I asked Jesus, “What does it look like for you to compassionately care for those who have been abused? For me?” Before I had even finished writing my question, the thought occurred to me, I think You are trauma-informed. And when I researched to truly understand what being trauma-informed is about, I realized that if anyone is trauma-informed, it’s Jesus. His approach to people emphasized safety, compassion, and agency over shame and behavior management, which is what being trauma-informed is all about. 

He showed me He gets me. And not just that He gets me, but He gets my trauma responses. He understands even better than I do my triggers and He doesn’t shame me or judge me for them. He doesn’t rush me to find healing and He walks with me through the process. Better than anyone, He understands the effects of trauma. 

I’ve never much liked the idea that He was with me during all the awful things that happened to me. I couldn’t reconcile with the thought that He was in the room with me, watching while my father and other men did horrific atrocities to me. But that’s how I saw Him. I believed for years that He was just watching all the things and that made me see Him as a sick pervert. But, recently, He showed me something different.

After reading Psalm 5:4, which says He is “not a God who delights in wickedness,” I finally asked him to show me what He thought of all the things that happened to me and how He felt about them. Without missing a beat, He told me it broke His heart and that He experienced it all with me. He told me I didn’t go through it alone and He wasn’t sitting by, watching. No, He was experiencing it with me. And He is angry at all the people who hurt me. 

I couldn’t believe what He was telling me, but I knew it to be the truth. He experienced all of the abuse with me. Not only does my Jesus understand how trauma affects me, He lived it with me. I can’t say that of anyone else in my life. Only Jesus. Only Jesus experienced all the trauma with me. 

And He is trauma-informed. 

If you have walked through the valley of trauma, know Jesus gets it. He gets you. He experienced it all with you. And more than anyone, He knows how it affects you. He compassionately cares for you.