Redeemed

This is my anthem right now. I am redeemed. I've always been redeemed, but now I'm living in it.

It's amazing the things God can redeem. There have been so many things in my life that I thought were nonredeemable. Maybe sometimes I forget who my God is. He can redeem anything. 

I'm not who I used to be. That couldn't be any truer in my case. When I look back on who I used to be before Mercy, I cringe. But, it amazes me that God loves the girl that I used to be, just as He loves the girl I am now. Isn't that crazy? When we're at our worst, He loves us all the same: not more, not less. 

I used to hate my name. I hated that it was Mindy. It seemed like such a girly name and it didn't fit me. But, more than my name, I hated myself. I hated who I was. I saw myself as fat, ugly, dirty, worthless, useless....I didn't want to be me. God has been redeeming that, though. I love myself now. I love who I am. I know who I am. I didn't have any idea who I was before. I love my name. I am cute. I am beautiful. I am clean. I am loved. I am a girl and I'm okay with that. My sexuality is being redeemed. I never thought that was possible.

I never thought my mind would or could be so free and clear as it is right now. Before Mercy, my mind was plagued with so many things that haunted me day and night. I couldn't really think about anything other than what was going on inside my mind. There was so much darkness there. But God has redeemed my mind. Hallelujah! My mind is so clear and free! I don't know if I ever remember a time it was free. The darkness is gone and so are the things that haunted it before. For the first time in a long time, I am able to think about things that are outside of myself. My mind isn't spending energy trying to process anything traumatic, like it was before. 

My emotions have also been redeemed. I know it's okay to express emotion. Before, I hated emotion, especially crying. I know that I don't have to be slave to my emotions. And I know that I'm not alone in them. God is with me in every single emotion and He accepts me in them. 

Life and joy have been restored to me. Sometimes I get a little mournful, because so much time has been lost in my life trying to deal with the issues I had. My college years are one of the things I mourn. If I could, I would take my post-Mercy self, rewind time, and do college again. But, I can't. So I put my trust in the God who has redeemed so much already, trusting Him to redeem the time that the locusts have eaten. 

I will never be the same girl I was before Mercy. God has redeemed me from the pit of hell. He has set my feet on the rock that is His salvation and has put a new song in my mouth. To Him be the glory! 

_______________________________

Seems like all I can see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me “son
stop fighting a fight that’s already been won”

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I’ll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain
Now I’m not who I used to be
I am redeemed
I’m redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, “Child lift up your head”
I remember oh God, You’re not done with me yet 

Because I don’t have to be the old man inside of me
Cause his day is long dead and gone
Because I’ve got a new name, a new life I’m not the same
And a hope that will carry me home

Oh God I’m not who I used to be
Jesus I’m not who I used to be
‘Cause I am redeemed
Thank God, redeemed

Not too deep

A few months ago, I went on a hike with my fellow Mercy sisters. We hiked up this mountain that wasn't really a mountain, but was still a pretty challenging climb. When we reached the top, we had lunch. During lunch, a few of us asked for a few moments of silence to take in the view and the beauty around us. In the silence, God spoke to me.

Below us was a dirt path upon which some other hikers were on. I heard someone on the path yell and it reverberated through the valley and made its way to the top where I was. Through that, God showed me that even when I am in the valley, He hears my cries. They echo in the valley and He hears them from up above, even from the highest height.

I was reminded of this when I read Jesus Calling for July 16th. It's talking about self-pitty being a slimy, bottomless pit. The part that reminded me of those moments on the mountain was this:

Your only hope is to look up and see the Light of My Presence shining down on you. Though the Light looks dim from your perspective, deep in the pit, those rays of hope can reach you at any depth.


I want to encourage you today if you are in a pit that God hears your cries, no matter how far down you are. His hand is never too short to reach you and your cries will always reach His ears.

You're beautiful.

"No I'm not," you say.
But, you are.

You are beautiful whether you believe it or not.

God is the author of beauty. He is beauty itself. So, if He created each one of us, how can we not be beautiful? We have been so blinded and deceived by society's definition of beauty that if we aren't a size 0 and weigh 12 lbs., we don't think we're beautiful.

Forget what society says. They've been deceived, too.

I was reading Jesus Calling by Sarah Young for July 3 and it made me think. The part that awakened my thoughts reads:

My children make a pastime of judging one another - and themselves. But I am the only capable Judge, and I have acquitted you through My own blood. Your acquittal came at the price of My unparalleled sacrifice. That is why I am highly offended when I hear My children judge one another or indulge in self-hatred.

Imagine you have purchased a very expensive painting, painted by a famous painter. Maybe it's a 

Van Gough or a Picasso. Maybe the painting is the infamous Mona Lisa. Say you have spent your life savings on this painting, because you thought it was so beautiful and you loved it and had to have it. How would you feel if I came along and said that the painting was the ugliest thing I had ever seen? How would you feel if I painted over it to try and make it better, or put slash marks through it because it was so ugly? You would be angry and offended, right? 

But isn't that what we do to Jesus?

He spent His life to purchase us, yet we constantly try to fix ourselves through surgeries or enhancements or through eating disorders and self-harm. We get so hateful towards ourselves that some even take their own lives. And, to make things worse, we cut each other down, too. We judge and criticize and make fun of others, all at the expense of the One who bought them with His blood. We offend Him.

What would happen if we began to see ourselves as the valuable beauties that we are? 

YOU are royalty (1 Peter 2:9). 

YOU are beautiful (Song of Solomon 4:1)

And who are we to argue with the Creator? With the One who bought us with His blood?

Isaiah 45:9-10

"Woe to him who strives with him who formed him, a pot among earthen pots! Does the clay say to him who forms it, 'What are you making?' or 'Your work has no handles'? Woe to him who says to a father, 'What are you begetting?' or to a woman, 'With what are you in labor?'"

California Dreamin'...try California Doubtin'

The last month or two at Mercy was spent searching for a host family. Doors shut left and right, leaving me unsure of where I would be going after graduation. In the midst of desperately needing an answer, a door opened: California. But I didn't see it as being a possibility, because I had my own agenda, and it didn't include moving to CA. But, God's agenda and mine don't always match. So, I resisted all the way up to giving an answer as to where I'd be going after graduation.
Even after deciding to move to CA and live with my friend and her family, who I visited with last summer, I still had doubts, as well as what I call, 'momentary freak-outs'. I wanted to be absolutely sure that CA was where God wanted me to go. I gave Him two things that had to happen for me to know that I was supposed to go to CA, and both of those things happened.

And yet, even after all of that, I'm still doubting.

It's a good thing God talks to us in ways we can understand. The other day, my friend and I were on our way to Newman, CA, and the directions we had told us that we would be on a particular road for 35 minutes before we reached the next turn. It seemed like sch a long time that we were traveling on that particular road and felt like we'd never reach the end. I began to doubt that we had gone the right way, despite following the directions. It didn't help that we seemed to be in the middle of nowhere.
It occurred to me that this is what happens to so many of Christ's followers. He leads them down a road and, despite having been directed to go that way, they begin to doubt His direction because the road seems to never end or appears to be in the middle of nowhere.
I realized that this is one of satan's tactics: to get us doubting so that we turn around and go a different way than God told us, getting ourselves lost and confused. But if we will continue on in the direction God told us to go, we will eventually reach our destination. He will never lead us astray.

My friend and I finally made it to the end of the road, and to our destination.

A few nights later when I was journaling, God brought this all back to me. I didn't see how it applied to me at the time He showed it to me, but as I wrote I did.

I was writing about some frustrations I was having about being here, as well as my doubts, when I was reminded of the things I asked God to do so that I would know CA was where I was supposed to be. I realized that God directed me to go down this road, so I obeyed. But along the way, doubt crept in. This path seems to be in the middle of nowhere. I'm not sure when it's going to end or how long I will be on it. But, if I will keep going in this direction He has led me, I know I will reach the end. I refuse to let satan talk me into turning around and going a different way. God will not lead me astray.

In the midst of all of this, the verse I'm holding fast to is Jeremiah 29:11. This verse has seemed so cliche to me more times than I care to admit. It's seemed like such a nice thought...but not right now. Right now it has so much meaning and truth, and to that I cling.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Mercy

Six months and two weeks have gone by so fast.

Too fast.

But in those six months and two weeks, so much happened.

I walked through the doors of Mercy Ministries one hot mess. I was broken, confused, looking to people to fix me, bound by fear, angry. I was cutting, insecure, unsure of who I was, ashamed. I felt I was unworthy of everything, I took responsibility for things that weren't my fault. I hated myself, hated my body, had walls up to the sky and guards over my heart, and I felt like I would never get out of the darkness I was in.

But all that changed over the course of my journey at Mercy.

My life had not been easy. Some of the roots of my problems included rejection, abandonment, fear, unforgiveness, and abuse. My dad had custody and contact taken away when I was three because of sexual abuse, so I grew up not knowing him, but I was still afraid of him. I never really knew what happened, but I knew something bad had happened.

My sister (there are only two of us and I'm the oldest) needed a lot of attention and care from my mom, so I was on my own a lot, or dependent upon those around me (church family or my grandma or aunt and uncle). I took on a lot of things that weren't mine to take on.

As I got older, I dealt with bullies at school. They always teased me about my weight or clothes. I cried most days because I didn't want to go to school and face them again. The bullying didn't help my self-esteem, but lowered it, pretty much smashing it into the dirt.

I grew up in church, so I knew Jesus and God and the whole nine yards, but I didn't really know Jesus and God. I had a head knowledge and relationship with Him, but my heart was so guarded that not even Chuck Norris could have gotten in.

College was when things got worse for me. During those four years, I experienced same-sex attraction, cutting/self-injury, anorexia, and overexercising, the close of my campus and the transition to another. College was the time where it was very difficult not having a dad. I ended up meeting him for the first time in 18 years during my senior year. That led to a whole lot of other nasty. I dealt with memories, flashbacks, dissociation, body memories, and night terrors.

Before I graduated, I began applying to Mercy Ministries. I had heard about it through a friend months earlier, but decided it wasn't for me. But, in May, God brought it to mind. After I graduated, I bounced from home to a friend's house (four hours away) to my other friend's house (three hours from my home) just to avoid home. In July, a friend from my first college invited me to California to visit with her and her family. So, I went.

Four days after I arrived in CA, I received word that my cousin was killed in a car accident. I was devastated. She had been like my little sister, not to mention my friend. I decided that because of what I was dealing with and my family situation, it was best if I stayed in CA. I missed the funeral and burial. It made grieving difficult.

I walked through the doors of Mercy Ministries on November 15, 2011. To many people, it was crazy. To others, an answer to prayer.

But walking through those doors didn't bring ease and comfort. My time there was anything but. I fought, refused to surrender, tried to control everything, and drove myself nuts. I was a very negative person; negativity was my mask, my defense. But, God didn't let that hinder what He wanted to do in me.

One of my very first of many frustrations at Mercy was the fact that I had a choice. It made me so angry that I had a choice in something. Whether it was obeying a rule, praying about something, or whatever, it made me angry that I had a choice. But, after a while, I realized that my choice has power for positive or negative. When I realized that I had a choice and that it had power, I enjoyed the fact that I had a choice. I had never had one before. As a kid, my choice was taken away, and as an adult, it was do as someone told me or else. I never had a choice. But I have one now. And it is powerful. Very powerful.

I had so many revelations while I was at Mercy. I struggled with trust and the question of, 'Is God good?' One morning in the shower (that seems to be God's favorite place to talk to me), I realized that if I believe the Bible is true, then either all of it is true, or none of it is true. I don't get to pick and choose what is and isn't true. But that's what I had been doing. This was the beginning of trading in the lies for the truth.

I had always gone from person to person to person trying to find someone who could fix me. But I remained the same. My counselor at Mercy drove me nuts, but I'm so thankful for her. From day one, she wouldn't let me dwell on my issues or come to her only about things. She made me go to God. Because of that, I eventually realized that it doesn't matter who I go to, if I don't go to God, nothing in my life can change or get better. I used to get so mad at her when she would tell me to go pray through something on my own. I didn't understand. Didn't she need to be there? After this revelation, I realized that I'm not praying to her, but to God, so it doesn't matter if she's there or not. It's not like she could do anything for me, anyway. This was probably the most important lesson I learned at Mercy.

One of the first steps at Mercy is choosing to forgive. I had always had a hard time with this, but in the weeks that I was in this step, God gave me a picture that helped so much:
                  You know how you tie a balloon onto a kid's wrist so if she lets go of the string, it won't fly away? Well, that's how I saw forgiveness. I had so many balloons tied to my wrist, each one representing someone I needed to forgive. By choosing to forgive, I was cutting those strings and releasing them. Releasing them means that I am no longer holding onto them, but releasing them to God so that He can deal with them. I am no longer demanding repayment from those who hurt me. I am left with the strings around my wrist to decide what to do with. Above all, I am taking ownership of the hurt. It is now mine to choose what to do with. I can harbor it, or give God my wrist (my heart) to take the strings off one by one and heal the hurting and broken places.

Praying through the hurts in my life was not easy. I was in so much denial about the memories and flashbacks and things that I was dealing with that I had no idea what was real and what wasn't. It was hard to say those things out loud that were so shameful and demoralizing. But, I did it. Even after I prayed through things, I still wrestled with the reality of it. I eventually had to write out a statement/permission slip for myself so that I could get past it. My permission slip said that I didn't know if the sexual abuse happened or not, but God did, but that my body, mind, and emotions felt like it did. So, I gave myself permission to feel the emotions and deal with it/grieve it and allow Jesus to come in and heal what was broken.

After I wrote that out and a few days had passed, I realized that the memories, flashbacks, and other things had stopped. My mind was clear and free to think about other things for the first time in over a year. By praying through the hurts in my life and inviting Jesus into those places to bring His healing, I have experienced so much freedom. Life is totally different than it was six months and two weeks ago!

I had always hated myself for many reasons. But at Mercy, I learned to love myself. I learned that I have infinite value and worth. I know now that I am beautiful. Six months ago, if you would have told me I was beautiful, or if you gave me a compliment, I would have thrown it back at you or rejected it because I didn't see it. But I see it now. I am beautiful! It doesn't matter what the world says or even what you say. My Father, the King of kings, declares that I am beautiful. Who am I to argue with Him?

Whenever I made a mistake, I berated myself. I called myself 'stupid' and 'dumb'. At Mercy, though, I learned that mistakes are okay. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes, most of which are no big deal. But, because of people in my life, when I made a mistake, it was the end of the world. But I know now that they are okay, and Jesus loves me despite them.

God became so real to me while at Mercy. I had a counselor once who would ask me if I thought Jesus was with me or if I thought He wanted to be with me. I always said no. But this changed one morning during worship. I think my cousin's birthday was coming up, the one that passed away, and I knew it was going to be a tough day. We always had worship before class in the morning, and this morning was no different. But, it was. On this particular morning, I heard God say that He is with me and He wants to be with me. I chose to believe Him. This has forever changed how I worship, how I respond to God, how I think about Him...everything! He is real! I no longer have a head knowledge or relationship with Him, but it is all heart. I know He is with me. Period.

Last summer, my relationship with my mom took a nosedive. I had some things I needed to confront her with, but was afraid to do it for fear of hurting her. While at Mercy, I was able to talk to her about some things and work on setting boundaries (with her and myself). Our relationship is so much better than it was last year. I am grateful to God for the work He is doing in her and in our relationship. It can only get stronger as God continues to pursue her and work in both of our lives.

I had to grieve a lot of things at Mercy, my cousin being one of them. For a while, I was very shut off from those emotions. But, as I allowed myself to open up to them, they flowed out. I learned that emotions are not bad, because God created me with them, but that I need to allow God into them so that I don't get stuck. Grieving was one of the hardest parts of my journey.

One last thing I had to learn at Mercy was to live my life. It seems like such an easy one, but it's not. I have spent so much of my life in pause mode, trying to deal with issue after issue after issue. But, life doesn't stop when I have an issue. God showed it to me like this:
                  I love to drive. If I could drive and never arrive at a destination, I'd be okay with that. But, living my life is a little like driving. Let's say an issue is the same as a thunder storm, or a red light, or heavy traffic. When you come across one of those while driving, you don't stop for a long period of time. You stop for a red light, and maybe for heavy traffic, but you slow down most of the time. I can't always stop for a long period of time in my life. I have to keep going; keep driving. And I need to let myself enjoy the ride. The lesson I learned through this is that I need to live my life, and when an issue comes up, deal with it then, but then keep going. 
I had spent so much of my life trying to deal with all of my issues right at that time. But that's impossible. I was putting life on hold. This was a great last lesson for me to learn. Another one was that it's okay to be okay. For so long, I was afraid to be okay because when I wasn't okay, I got attention from people. But, I'm coming to realize that people are still going to be there and they are still going to love me even when I don't have an issue. I just have to learn how to have relationships with people that aren't based on my issues. That's my current task.

I may have graduated from Mercy, but I am still a work in progress. Who isn't? But, God has done an incredible work in me. He has healed some major wounds and filled me with His Spirit and with joy and peace. My mind has not been this free in a very long time. Self-injury is no longer an option for me. I have a choice in matters like that. I am walking in trust in a God who is good, infinitely good, faithful, loving, merciful, kind, and Who redeems those who are in the pit. Things between my dad and I are still not resolved, and might not be. But I know that I have a loving Father who is better than any earthly father.

And I know that He's got me. I am in the palm of His hand, and at times in the grip of His loving mercy. And I'm so thankful for it.





Delight

No, I'm not talking about the Turkish treat, but about the action verb. Delight means (according to Dictionary.com) something that gives great pleasure, a high degree of pleasure or enjoyment; joy; rapture. An antonym of delight is disappointment.

I decided to look up the meaning of this word, delight, after coming across Psalm 41:11 last night. 'By this I know that you delight in me: my enemy will not shout in triumph over me.'

I love this verse for two reasons: 1) it tells me that the victory over my enemy comes because He delights in me and 2) it gives me hope that my enemy will not shout in triumph over me. I think a third reason I love this verse is that it speaks truth. He delights in me. Wow. What a jaw-dropping realization! I can't even begin to explain what this means. What I do know is that I am not a disappointment to God, and that is pretty cool, especially when I feel like a disappointment to so many people. He delights in me because He created me, not because of anything I do or don't do. And that is pretty awesome.

I was writing in my journal today and a verse came to my mind. I was writing about how I want to be back in Indiana for my birthday (Oct. 18), and that I have a lot of people in different places that I want to visit. As I was writing these desires down, it came to mind that He knows the desires of my heart. I did some searching to see if this was a verse, and came upon Psalm 37:4, 'Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.'

But, what does 'delighting in the LORD' mean?

I found this on the web. It's from Matthew Henry's Whole Bible Commentary on Psalm 37:
We must make God our heart's delight and then we shall have our heart's desire, v. 4. We must not only depend upon God, but solace ourselves in him. We must be well pleased that there is a God, that he is such a one as he has revealed himself to be, and that he is our God in covenant. We must delight ourselves in his beauty, bounty, and benignity; our souls must return to him, and repose in him, as their rest, and their portion for ever. Being satisfied of his loving-kindness, we must be satisfied with it, and make that our exceeding joy, Ps. 43:4. We were commanded (v. 3) to do good, and then follows this command to delight in God, which is as much a privilege as a duty. If we make conscience of obedience to God, we may then take the comfort of a complacency in him. And even this pleasant duty of delighting in God has a promise annexed to it, which is very full and precious, enough to recompense the hardest services: He shall give thee the desires of thy heart. He has not promised to gratify all the appetites of the body and the humours of the fancy, but to grant all the desires of the heart, all the cravings of the renewed sanctified soul. What is the desire of the heart of a good man? It is this, to know, and love, and live to God, to please him and to be pleased in him.

I love this: "We must not only depend upon God, but solace ourselves in Him." I looked up the definition of solace and it means comfort in sorrow, misfortune, or trouble; alleviation of distress or discomfort; something that gives comfort, consolation, or relief. I am to not only depend on God, but comfort myself in Him, allowing Him to alleviate my distress or discomfort.

I understand that God isn't necessarily going to give me all of the desires of my fleshly heart/body, but He knows what they are and He knows that which is good and best for me. I think the desires that are good for me and that are in accordance with His will, He will grant. But, that's what I think, not what I know to be true.

So, What is the desire of the heart of a good man? It is this, to know, and love, and live to God, to please him and to be pleased in him.

He delights in me. Do I delight in Him?

Because you're worth it

As I was watching TV tonight, a commercial for L'Oréal came on. Their slogan, "Because you're worth it," caught my attention.

I have come to believe the lie that I am not, indeed, worth it. If you read my earlier post, 'You is...' you would know that it mostly stems from my childhood, but has also taken root due to things in my adult years: things my parents didn't do that they should have out of their 'parental duty'. Some things I believe are that I'm not worth being listened to, not worth someone's time, not worth caring for...I believe that I'm not worth the space I occupy or the air that I breathe. That's what it comes down to.

This commercial, however, tells me that I am worth it. I know it's a cosmetic commercial, and that it's saying I'm worth spending a lot of money on just to have beautiful skin, hair, nails, etc. But, the message I receive is that I'm worth it. And I can take that any which way I want to.

I think I'm beginning to uproot the lie that I'm not worth it and plant the truth that I am worth it. I've actually been standing up for myself. When I'm talking and my friend does something like unmute the TV and start paying attention to the commercial that's on or gets up and walks away, I say something. That's not something I do...EVER. I internalize everything and never speak up for myself. And what I've done here is fought the lie that I'm not worth being listened to.

It happened again today. I spoke out for something that just didn't seem right as a way a friend should and shouldn't be treated. I might have been wrong, or my friend might have disagreed, but I spoke up and out. To be honest, I felt bad for doing it. I felt like I had done something wrong. Part of the reason I never speak up or out is because I'm afraid of being wrong and of being reprimanded for being so. I'm not even confident in the things I do say at any given time because I'm afraid they are going to be wrong or stupid or insignificant. That's how I feel most of the time: insignificant. I'm not important is how I feel and what I believe. It's the message I've received most of my life. I'm not important enough to be taken care of. I'm not important enough to be loved. I'm not important enough to be protected. I'm not important enough to invest in. My friend and I were talking about how I had spoken up and she said it's about time that I do. "You deserve to be right for a change." is what she said, or something to that effect.

I'm beginning to see that the more I see my worth, the more I stand up for myself. I've never seen myself as having any worth. I've been the one that everyone depends upon, picks on, uses and abuses, rejects...but never the one with intrinsic worth and value.

I'm not sure why things are changing. I've been away from home now since July 1, and have no idea when I'm going back. Maybe God has been teaching me these things so that if His will is that I go home for a time, I am able to fight the lies that so easily entangle me there.

I'm not important enough to...you fill in the blank. What do you believe about yourself? If you don't believe that you are important enough or any of the other things I've listed, you should. Because you are worth it. Whatever it is, you are worth it. I know it's not easy. It's taken me a very long time to get to this place. It's a constant fight to uproot the lies and plant the truth. But it's a fight that's worth it. We're worth it.