What I did not steal...

I was reading Psalm 69 the other night and was very encouraged to read David's words that I so relate to right now.

¹Save me, O God!
For the waters have come up to my neck.
²I sink in deep mire,
where there is no foothold;
I have come into deep waters,
and the flood sweeps over me.
³ I am weary with my crying out;
my throat is parched.
My eyes grow dim
with waiting for my God.
4 More in number than the hairs of my head
are those who hate me without cause;
mighty are those who would destroy me, those who attack me with lies.
What I did not steal
must I now restore?- ESV

There is much more to this chapter, but I want to pause here, because verse 4 captured my attention. "What I did not steal must I now restore?"

I empathize with David here, because I totally understand. I take this to say, "It's not fair! I didn't do anything to mess this up, so now must I fix it? It's not fair!!!"

What I did not steal, must I now restore?

I get what David is saying. I like the Amplified version of this verse: "I am forced to restore what I did not steal." I'm sure if I did some digging, I would understand what David was talking about...the thing he did not steal, but is being forced to restore.

I have my own thing that I did not steal but am being forced to restore. And it's not fair. It is the hardest, most painful thing I have to do. I have to restore all that my dad stole from me. I have to work through the memories, flashbacks, and body memories while he gets to pretend it never happened. He hardly ever calls me anymore, which I'm not sure I mind, and when he does, it's never a long conversation. It's always surfacy and I'd rather he just not call at all.

What I did not steal, must I now restore?

It's just not fair. If you have read my post entitled "Onions, Rain, and Bebo Norman", you would know that I recently came into an acknowledgment that all the memories, flashbacks, and body memories are real and that something bad did happen when I was little. And it's not fair that I have to restore it. It's not fair that I have to do the hard, painful work to make it better for myself. I'm not the one who did anything, he did.

And it makes me angry. It makes me so very angry to know that it's all real and that I'm not making things up in my head. I hate it! I hate that it's real! I know what David meant when he said this. There is just a feeling that comes over me when I read those words. It's a feeling in the pit of my stomach that just sits there, because I know that I do have to restore what I did not steal. I don't have a way out. If I don't, no one else will.

But, if I combine the last few posts that I have written, and the song lyrics that they contain, I know that I'm not alone. Somewhere deep inside I know that I'm not alone in this. If I go to Him, He will help me restore what I did not steal.

¹³But as for me, my prayer is to You, O Lord. At an acceptable and opportune time, O God, in the multitude of Your mercy and the abundance of Your loving-kindness hear me, and in the truth and faithfulness of Your salvation answer me.

¹⁴Rescue me out of the mire, and let me not sink; let me be delivered from those who hate me and from out of the deep waters.

¹⁵Let not the floodwaters overflow and overwhelm me, neither let the deep swallow me up nor the [dug] pit [with water perhaps in the bottom] close its mouth over me.

¹⁶Hear and answer me, O Lord, for Your loving-kindness is sweet and comforting; according to Your plenteous tender mercy and steadfast love turn to me.

¹⁷Hide not Your face from Your servant, for I am in distress; O answer me speedily!

¹⁸Draw close to me and redeem me; ransom and set me free because of my enemies [lest they glory in my prolonged distress]! -Amplified