Going back

I've been on spring break this last week and a half, and it's been wonderful. It's had its moments of difficult processing, but overall, it's been good.

And I don't want to go back.

This last year at Taylor has been one of difficulty. Granted, all four of my college years have been filled with their difficulty, and none can probably be as bad as the last two. Well, maybe there is a tie. But, this year was the year I met my dad, and all the things that were shoved into the deep abyss of my heart and mind were brought to the surface.

I've had to go back.

If you've read my previous posts, you would know that this week I acknowledged that it's all real: the memories, body memories, and flashbacks; and that something bad did happen when I was little. It has taken me a while to get here, because for the first months after meeting my dad when things were surfacing, I refused to believe they were true and real. But, I now know they are. I'm having to go back, in a sense, and deal with the things that have been long forgotten. It's painful and very difficult.

But, as spring break ends, unfortunately my having to process does not. When I go back, I am still going to be faced with the reality and shock at times that it is real, and will be hit with deep and grievous pain. In such a dark time, I don't want to go back to a dark place.

I don't know why Taylor feels dark, but it does. Maybe it's because there are bad memories attached to that place. Maybe it's because I have a bad attitude about the place. I really don't know, but I do know it feels dark.

I am drawn to a verse in Micah. Micah 7: 8 "Do not rejoice over me, my enemy! For though I fall, I will rise again. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." This is a verse I am going to hold to when I go back, both in memories and to Taylor.

Job 12:22 "He uncovers mysteries hidden in darkness; he brings light to the deepest gloom"

Psalm 18:28 "You light a lamp for me. The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness."

Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold (refuge) of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?"

Psalm 139:11-12 "If I say, "Surely the darkness shall come over me, and the light about me be night," even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you."

These verses are ones that I am going to hold onto as I go back into the darkness. I have gone into the darkness before and have come out, and I am holding that this is true for this present darkness, as well. I was able to build some joy while on break, but as I go back, I'm not expecting it to stay. I know I am never alone, but in a sense, I will be.

God, prepare the way before me as I go back to Taylor, as well as back into some things from the past. Light up the darkness that is there and when I find myself in the dark, be my light. Fill my dorm room with your presence and let me know that you are there. Cover me and hold me close.

This doesn't have anything to do with what I've been talking about, but it's some food for thought:

Isaiah 58:10 "if you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday." -ESV
"Feed the hungry, and help those in trouble. Then your light will shine out from darkness, and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon." -NLT