Onions, Rain and Bebo Norman

The last few days have been pretty difficult. I had a counseling session on Tuesday, and in the middle of it, realized that everything is real: all the memories, flashbacks, and body memories...everything. It's all real and there is no denying it. I can't get out of it. There's no going back.

I was sitting in the car with my very good friend who has been going to my sessions with me. The session was very difficult, so when I got in the car, I was feeling everything imaginable. Everything that I had pushed down these last weeks all of a sudden came to the surface and just swirled around. I felt overwhelmed and just wanted to get out of the car and run or throw things and yell, but most of all yell and throw things. I was agitated, angry, sad....I didn't know what I wanted to do or not do. I eventually let my friend put her arms around me and I sat there and cried. When I got the boldness to do so, I said, "It's real, isn't it?" and "Something bad really did happen."

She said 'Yes'.

And I was broken once more. But, the cool thing about that moment was that at that very same moment in time that I made this acknowledgment, it began to rain. We had been sitting in the car with the windows and the sunroof open, so the rain fell into the car and onto our faces and heads. It was beautiful. My friend said, "God is speaking", and in that moment I knew God had heard me and He felt my pain. He was there when I made this acknowledgment.

I have heard many times that people are like onions...everything is a process...you have to peel back the layers....Well, I know it's true. And this is definitely a process.

And I hate that word...I hate those sets of words. It's frustrating that everything is a process. But, He is the God of the process. There is this song by Bebo Norman that I have been listening to. It's called, God of my Everything. Here are the lyrics.

Oh God of Heaven come and hem me in
Gather the pieces that are broken
Show me the wonder of You again
Oh God of Heaven

God of my hope, God of my need
God of my pain that no one else will ever see
God of my healing, God of my strength
God who has always and will forever reign
God of my everything

In all creation You call my name
In all the beauty that this world displays
Still I'm the one for who Your heart aches
In all creation

God of my hope, God of my need
God of my pain that no one else will ever see
God of my healing, God of my strength
God who has always and will forever reign
God of my everything

God of my everything

And when the mountains shake
You are my God
You never change

And when the earth gives way
You are still God
You never change

God of my hope, God of my need
God of my pain that no one else will ever see
God of my healing, God of my strength
God who has always and will forever reign
God of my everything
God of my everything
God of my everything
God of my everything

I love what this song has to say. My heart had been hard to Him for so long, and still is in a way. But, I think that those moments in the car when my tears and the rain both fell, my heart was opened to Him more. He is the God of my everything, and somehow, I have hope right now. It's slim, but it's still there, which is more than what's been there.

I know that I am going to be processing at different times. I've already experienced this. I'm fine one moment, and the next I'm crying and I'm angry or sad and I don't want it to be real. It feels like someone whom I loved very much died and I just want for them to come back. It hurts. And I think there is a bit of shock, like when I met my dad for the first time. I think I know I won't be here forever, but it sure feels like it.

But, I guess at some point you get to the last layer of the onion.