If I had to give a theme to my spring break, I'd say that it was an Ishmael spring break. Now, you are probably thinking, "What? Ishmael?" I know...so let me explain.
In Genesis 16, we hear the account of Hagar and the circumstances of the birth of her son. She has fled Abraham's home and an angel has found her beside a spring in the wilderness. In verse 11, it says, "And the angel also said, "You are now pregnant and will give birth to a son. You are to name him Ishmael (which means 'God hears), for the Lord has heard your cry of distress."
I have written a few previous posts in the last few days that talk about how God did things that were unexpected. He did them all because He heard me. He heard my voice, whether it was a prayer, a wish or hope-filled expression, or a cry of distress and utter pain.
I may have written about it in a previous post, but while I was on spring break, my friend's sister was very sick. Each night before bed, I would pray for her that she would get more sleep that night than the previous night and that the next day she would have more strength than the previous day. It amazed me as I saw her get more sleep with each passing night and have more energy with each passing day. God had heard me and He answered.
On Saturday, I had made a statement that I wanted to hold a baby chick. On Sunday, I got to do just that. It wasn't even a prayer, but a hope...a desire...a longing, and He filled it. He heard me and He answered.
When I made the acknowledgment that all the memories, flashbacks, and body memories were real and that something bad did happen when I was little, it began to rain. Moments before, it had been a sunny day and we had the car windows down and sunroof open. God had heard my painful acknowledgment and He answered by letting me know He was there and that He had heard and that He shared in my pain.
He is the God who hears. I wanted to find a name for God that meant 'God who hears', but the only thing I could find was Ishmael. But, in any case, He is the God who hears me.
Before this, I questioned whether or not He heard me. It just didn't seem like He was hearing me. But now, I know that He hears me whether or not I intend for Him to or whether or not I am speaking to Him directly. Why? Because He is my God who hears me.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
He leads us
At my Bible study the other night, I was praying for two girls the other night who were about to embark on a difficult journey the next day. Their journey had the potential to be dark and very difficult. I would not say that I have a gift for prophecy, but that night God revealed to me something that applied to their situation, but also to me.I saw a very dark hallway, almost like a dark tavern hallway. There was a single lit lantern that was moving ahead of them, but they could not see who was holding the lantern. As they continued walking ahead, the lantern moved ahead of them. As long as they remained with the lantern, they were not in the darkness.
You can already guess what I'm about to say, but I'm going to give my interpretation, anyway.
Just like God led the Israelites with a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night (Exodus 13:21), so He leads us. If we walk beside Him, we won't have to walk in the darkness. He offers us His light, if only we will walk close beside Him.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
In His Palm
Today was the day I returned to Taylor. But, before the duties of school began, I had one more stop to make. My friend and I went to Ohio to visit one of our friends who could use some cheering up. While there, we stopped at Rural King so she could get some hay and things for her rabbits. I was trying to find them after I used the restroom, but found something else instead.I had just made a statement yesterday that I wanted to hold a baby chick. And that is just what I found.
Dozens upon dozens of little baby chicks of all different kinds were in crates that lined part of an aisle. I heard their chirping first, and then I saw them. I was so amazed and surprised! I picked one up and held it. It was yellow and of the softest fuzz, since it was too young to have feathers yet. Putting that one down and moving to another box, I picked up a little brown one with wings and feathers. It still had its down feathers, but was so soft.
I stood there and held it in my hand. It settled down after a few minutes and got into a ball in my hand and just laid there. It almost fell asleep a few times! I was so surprised that it felt so safe in my hands...in the palm of my hand.
As I was watching the chick in my palm and petting it with my other finger, God was speaking. I realized that this was what God wanted for me, that it was where I should and could be. I could have the safety of His palm if I would just relax enough and stop struggling. I could be safe there, if only I would allow myself and allow Him to hold me.
It's been a rough few months, and I know there are more storms and more darkness to come. But, I know that I am in His palm, and there I am safe no matter what happens. I may falter and stumble, but He still has me. He has never let me go, even when I couldn't see Him or feel Him. He was there as He always has been and always will be.
I know He has me written on the palm of His hand, but I also know that He has me close to His heart, just as I held the chick in my palm close to my heart. It isn't going to be easy, but I am going to try to trust Him, even when I get sucked into darkness in this process. I have hope, because He is the God of my hope.
He is the God of my everything, and I am in the palm of His hand.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Going back
I've been on spring break this last week and a half, and it's been wonderful. It's had its moments of difficult processing, but overall, it's been good.
And I don't want to go back.
This last year at Taylor has been one of difficulty. Granted, all four of my college years have been filled with their difficulty, and none can probably be as bad as the last two. Well, maybe there is a tie. But, this year was the year I met my dad, and all the things that were shoved into the deep abyss of my heart and mind were brought to the surface.
I've had to go back.
If you've read my previous posts, you would know that this week I acknowledged that it's all real: the memories, body memories, and flashbacks; and that something bad did happen when I was little. It has taken me a while to get here, because for the first months after meeting my dad when things were surfacing, I refused to believe they were true and real. But, I now know they are. I'm having to go back, in a sense, and deal with the things that have been long forgotten. It's painful and very difficult.
But, as spring break ends, unfortunately my having to process does not. When I go back, I am still going to be faced with the reality and shock at times that it is real, and will be hit with deep and grievous pain. In such a dark time, I don't want to go back to a dark place.
I don't know why Taylor feels dark, but it does. Maybe it's because there are bad memories attached to that place. Maybe it's because I have a bad attitude about the place. I really don't know, but I do know it feels dark.
I am drawn to a verse in Micah. Micah 7: 8 "Do not rejoice over me, my enemy! For though I fall, I will rise again. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." This is a verse I am going to hold to when I go back, both in memories and to Taylor.
Job 12:22 "He uncovers mysteries hidden in darkness; he brings light to the deepest gloom"
Psalm 18:28 "You light a lamp for me. The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness."
Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold (refuge) of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?"
Psalm 139:11-12 "If I say, "Surely the darkness shall come over me, and the light about me be night," even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you."
These verses are ones that I am going to hold onto as I go back into the darkness. I have gone into the darkness before and have come out, and I am holding that this is true for this present darkness, as well. I was able to build some joy while on break, but as I go back, I'm not expecting it to stay. I know I am never alone, but in a sense, I will be.
God, prepare the way before me as I go back to Taylor, as well as back into some things from the past. Light up the darkness that is there and when I find myself in the dark, be my light. Fill my dorm room with your presence and let me know that you are there. Cover me and hold me close.
This doesn't have anything to do with what I've been talking about, but it's some food for thought:
Isaiah 58:10 "if you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday." -ESV
"Feed the hungry, and help those in trouble. Then your light will shine out from darkness, and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon." -NLT
And I don't want to go back.
This last year at Taylor has been one of difficulty. Granted, all four of my college years have been filled with their difficulty, and none can probably be as bad as the last two. Well, maybe there is a tie. But, this year was the year I met my dad, and all the things that were shoved into the deep abyss of my heart and mind were brought to the surface.
I've had to go back.
If you've read my previous posts, you would know that this week I acknowledged that it's all real: the memories, body memories, and flashbacks; and that something bad did happen when I was little. It has taken me a while to get here, because for the first months after meeting my dad when things were surfacing, I refused to believe they were true and real. But, I now know they are. I'm having to go back, in a sense, and deal with the things that have been long forgotten. It's painful and very difficult.
But, as spring break ends, unfortunately my having to process does not. When I go back, I am still going to be faced with the reality and shock at times that it is real, and will be hit with deep and grievous pain. In such a dark time, I don't want to go back to a dark place.
I don't know why Taylor feels dark, but it does. Maybe it's because there are bad memories attached to that place. Maybe it's because I have a bad attitude about the place. I really don't know, but I do know it feels dark.
I am drawn to a verse in Micah. Micah 7: 8 "Do not rejoice over me, my enemy! For though I fall, I will rise again. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." This is a verse I am going to hold to when I go back, both in memories and to Taylor.
Job 12:22 "He uncovers mysteries hidden in darkness; he brings light to the deepest gloom"
Psalm 18:28 "You light a lamp for me. The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness."
Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold (refuge) of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?"
Psalm 139:11-12 "If I say, "Surely the darkness shall come over me, and the light about me be night," even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you."
These verses are ones that I am going to hold onto as I go back into the darkness. I have gone into the darkness before and have come out, and I am holding that this is true for this present darkness, as well. I was able to build some joy while on break, but as I go back, I'm not expecting it to stay. I know I am never alone, but in a sense, I will be.
God, prepare the way before me as I go back to Taylor, as well as back into some things from the past. Light up the darkness that is there and when I find myself in the dark, be my light. Fill my dorm room with your presence and let me know that you are there. Cover me and hold me close.
This doesn't have anything to do with what I've been talking about, but it's some food for thought:
Isaiah 58:10 "if you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday." -ESV
"Feed the hungry, and help those in trouble. Then your light will shine out from darkness, and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon." -NLT
Friday, March 25, 2011
What I did not steal...
I was reading Psalm 69 the other night and was very encouraged to read David's words that I so relate to right now.
1Save me, O God!
For the waters have come up to my neck.
2I sink in deep mire,
where there is no foothold;
I have come into deep waters,
and the flood sweeps over me.
3 I am weary with my crying out;
my throat is parched.
My eyes grow dim
with waiting for my God.
4 More in number than the hairs of my head
are those who hate me without cause;
mighty are those who would destroy me, those who attack me with lies.
What I did not steal
must I now restore?- ESV
There is much more to this chapter, but I want to pause here, because verse 4 captured my attention. "What I did not steal must I now restore?"
I empathize with David here, because I totally understand. I take this to say, "It's not fair! I didn't do anything to mess this up, so now must I fix it? It's not fair!!!"
What I did not steal, must I now restore?
I get what David is saying. I like the Amplified version of this verse: "I am forced to restore what I did not steal." I'm sure if I did some digging, I would understand what David was talking about...the thing he did not steal, but is being forced to restore.
I have my own thing that I did not steal but am being forced to restore. And it's not fair. It is the hardest, most painful thing I have to do. I have to restore all that my dad stole from me. I have to work through the memories, flashbacks, and body memories while he gets to pretend it never happened. He hardly ever calls me anymore, which I'm not sure I mind, and when he does, it's never a long conversation. It's always surfacy and I'd rather he just not call at all.
What I did not steal, must I now restore?
It's just not fair. If you have read my post entitled "Onions, Rain, and Bebo Norman", you would know that I recently came into an acknowledgment that all the memories, flashbacks, and body memories are real and that something bad did happen when I was little. And it's not fair that I have to restore it. It's not fair that I have to do the hard, painful work to make it better for myself. I'm not the one who did anything, he did.
And it makes me angry. It makes me so very angry to know that it's all real and that I'm not making things up in my head. I hate it! I hate that it's real! I know what David meant when he said this. There is just a feeling that comes over me when I read those words. It's a feeling in the pit of my stomach that just sits there, because I know that I do have to restore what I did not steal. I don't have a way out. If I don't, no one else will.
But, if I combine the last few posts that I have written, and the song lyrics that they contain, I know that I'm not alone. Somewhere deep inside I know that I'm not alone in this. If I go to Him, He will help me restore what I did not steal.
1Save me, O God!
For the waters have come up to my neck.
2I sink in deep mire,
where there is no foothold;
I have come into deep waters,
and the flood sweeps over me.
3 I am weary with my crying out;
my throat is parched.
My eyes grow dim
with waiting for my God.
4 More in number than the hairs of my head
are those who hate me without cause;
mighty are those who would destroy me, those who attack me with lies.
What I did not steal
must I now restore?- ESV
There is much more to this chapter, but I want to pause here, because verse 4 captured my attention. "What I did not steal must I now restore?"
I empathize with David here, because I totally understand. I take this to say, "It's not fair! I didn't do anything to mess this up, so now must I fix it? It's not fair!!!"
What I did not steal, must I now restore?
I get what David is saying. I like the Amplified version of this verse: "I am forced to restore what I did not steal." I'm sure if I did some digging, I would understand what David was talking about...the thing he did not steal, but is being forced to restore.
I have my own thing that I did not steal but am being forced to restore. And it's not fair. It is the hardest, most painful thing I have to do. I have to restore all that my dad stole from me. I have to work through the memories, flashbacks, and body memories while he gets to pretend it never happened. He hardly ever calls me anymore, which I'm not sure I mind, and when he does, it's never a long conversation. It's always surfacy and I'd rather he just not call at all.
What I did not steal, must I now restore?
It's just not fair. If you have read my post entitled "Onions, Rain, and Bebo Norman", you would know that I recently came into an acknowledgment that all the memories, flashbacks, and body memories are real and that something bad did happen when I was little. And it's not fair that I have to restore it. It's not fair that I have to do the hard, painful work to make it better for myself. I'm not the one who did anything, he did.
And it makes me angry. It makes me so very angry to know that it's all real and that I'm not making things up in my head. I hate it! I hate that it's real! I know what David meant when he said this. There is just a feeling that comes over me when I read those words. It's a feeling in the pit of my stomach that just sits there, because I know that I do have to restore what I did not steal. I don't have a way out. If I don't, no one else will.
But, if I combine the last few posts that I have written, and the song lyrics that they contain, I know that I'm not alone. Somewhere deep inside I know that I'm not alone in this. If I go to Him, He will help me restore what I did not steal.
13But as for me, my prayer is to You, O Lord. At an acceptable and opportune time, O God, in the multitude of Your mercy and the abundance of Your loving-kindness hear me, and in the truth and faithfulness of Your salvation answer me.
14Rescue me out of the mire, and let me not sink; let me be delivered from those who hate me and from out of the deep waters.
15Let not the floodwaters overflow and overwhelm me, neither let the deep swallow me up nor the [dug] pit [with water perhaps in the bottom] close its mouth over me.
16Hear and answer me, O Lord, for Your loving-kindness is sweet and comforting; according to Your plenteous tender mercy and steadfast love turn to me.
17Hide not Your face from Your servant, for I am in distress; O answer me speedily!
18Draw close to me and redeem me; ransom and set me free because of my enemies [lest they glory in my prolonged distress]! -Amplified
Perfect Peace
Do not be afraid little lamb
Trust Him while you are sleeping
Angels over your cradle will stand
Silent watch they are keeping
Think about these things
And love will guide your dreams
And He will keep you in perfect peace
Perfect peace, perfect peace
He will keep you in perfect peace
If you keep your mind on Him
You are never alone little lamb
For the Father is near you
You are tenderly held in his hands
Whisper and he will hear you
Think about these things
And love will guide your dreams
And He will keep you in perfect peace
Perfect peace, perfect peace
He will keep you in perfect peace
If you keep your mind on Him
This song by Twila Paris is one that I have been listening to at night when I am trying to go to sleep. Last night I was really thinking about the words I was listening to, probably because they really caught my attention. It was the second stanza that really caught me:
You are never alone little lamb
For the Father is near you
You are tenderly held in his hands
Whisper and he will hear you
These lyrics just paint such a beautiful picture for me...that I am never alone, for my Father is near me. First of all, before I go any further, I want to say that seeing God as my Father has been very difficult lately, as it has been in the past. I've gone in and out of being okay with Him being my Father, but lately, with everything going on, it's been difficult. But, the next line, "You are tenderly held in His hands" makes me feel like He is safe and good. And all I have to do is whisper and He will hear me.
I don't know what else I want to say about this, but I just really love this song and I was really thinking about it last night.
There is another Twila Paris song, called "God Is All Around Us".
The sun behind the mountain is setting in the west
The bluebird and her little ones are gathered in their nest
And I am on my pillow because I need my rest
God is all around us, and He knows best
He's higher than the treetops in the tallest wood
Why He would come and speak to me, I'd tell you if I could
It makes me want to please Him in all the ways I should
God is all around us, and He is good
God is all around us everywhere we go
Caring for His children that's all I need to know
He's stronger than the eagle circling above
He's wiser the oldest owl more gentle than a dove
He's closer than pajamas that fit me like a glove
God is all around us, and He is Love
I love the line, "He's closer than pajamas that fit me like a glove". Is God really that close to me?
Trust Him while you are sleeping
Angels over your cradle will stand
Silent watch they are keeping
Think about these things
And love will guide your dreams
And He will keep you in perfect peace
Perfect peace, perfect peace
He will keep you in perfect peace
If you keep your mind on Him
You are never alone little lamb
For the Father is near you
You are tenderly held in his hands
Whisper and he will hear you
Think about these things
And love will guide your dreams
And He will keep you in perfect peace
Perfect peace, perfect peace
He will keep you in perfect peace
If you keep your mind on Him
This song by Twila Paris is one that I have been listening to at night when I am trying to go to sleep. Last night I was really thinking about the words I was listening to, probably because they really caught my attention. It was the second stanza that really caught me:
You are never alone little lamb
For the Father is near you
You are tenderly held in his hands
Whisper and he will hear you
These lyrics just paint such a beautiful picture for me...that I am never alone, for my Father is near me. First of all, before I go any further, I want to say that seeing God as my Father has been very difficult lately, as it has been in the past. I've gone in and out of being okay with Him being my Father, but lately, with everything going on, it's been difficult. But, the next line, "You are tenderly held in His hands" makes me feel like He is safe and good. And all I have to do is whisper and He will hear me.
I don't know what else I want to say about this, but I just really love this song and I was really thinking about it last night.
There is another Twila Paris song, called "God Is All Around Us".
The sun behind the mountain is setting in the west
The bluebird and her little ones are gathered in their nest
And I am on my pillow because I need my rest
God is all around us, and He knows best
He's higher than the treetops in the tallest wood
Why He would come and speak to me, I'd tell you if I could
It makes me want to please Him in all the ways I should
God is all around us, and He is good
God is all around us everywhere we go
Caring for His children that's all I need to know
He's stronger than the eagle circling above
He's wiser the oldest owl more gentle than a dove
He's closer than pajamas that fit me like a glove
God is all around us, and He is Love
I love the line, "He's closer than pajamas that fit me like a glove". Is God really that close to me?
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Onions, Rain and Bebo Norman
The last few days have been pretty difficult. I had a counseling session on Tuesday, and in the middle of it, realized that everything is real: all the memories, flashbacks, and body memories...everything. It's all real and there is no denying it. I can't get out of it. There's no going back.
I was sitting in the car with my very good friend who has been going to my sessions with me. The session was very difficult, so when I got in the car, I was feeling everything imaginable. Everything that I had pushed down these last weeks all of a sudden came to the surface and just swirled around. I felt overwhelmed and just wanted to get out of the car and run or throw things and yell, but most of all yell and throw things. I was agitated, angry, sad....I didn't know what I wanted to do or not do. I eventually let my friend put her arms around me and I sat there and cried. When I got the boldness to do so, I said, "It's real, isn't it?" and "Something bad really did happen."
She said 'Yes'.
And I was broken once more. But, the cool thing about that moment was that at that very same moment in time that I made this acknowledgment, it began to rain. We had been sitting in the car with the windows and the sunroof open, so the rain fell into the car and onto our faces and heads. It was beautiful. My friend said, "God is speaking", and in that moment I knew God had heard me and He felt my pain. He was there when I made this acknowledgment.
I have heard many times that people are like onions...everything is a process...you have to peel back the layers....Well, I know it's true. And this is definitely a process.
And I hate that word...I hate those sets of words. It's frustrating that everything is a process. But, He is the God of the process. There is this song by Bebo Norman that I have been listening to. It's called, God of my Everything. Here are the lyrics.
Oh God of Heaven come and hem me in
Gather the pieces that are broken
Show me the wonder of You again
Oh God of Heaven
God of my hope, God of my need
God of my pain that no one else will ever see
God of my healing, God of my strength
God who has always and will forever reign
God of my everything
In all creation You call my name
In all the beauty that this world displays
Still I'm the one for who Your heart aches
In all creation
God of my hope, God of my need
God of my pain that no one else will ever see
God of my healing, God of my strength
God who has always and will forever reign
God of my everything
God of my everything
And when the mountains shake
You are my God
You never change
And when the earth gives way
You are still God
You never change
God of my hope, God of my need
God of my pain that no one else will ever see
God of my healing, God of my strength
God who has always and will forever reign
God of my everything
God of my everything
God of my everything
God of my everything
I love what this song has to say. My heart had been hard to Him for so long, and still is in a way. But, I think that those moments in the car when my tears and the rain both fell, my heart was opened to Him more. He is the God of my everything, and somehow, I have hope right now. It's slim, but it's still there, which is more than what's been there.
I know that I am going to be processing at different times. I've already experienced this. I'm fine one moment, and the next I'm crying and I'm angry or sad and I don't want it to be real. It feels like someone whom I loved very much died and I just want for them to come back. It hurts. And I think there is a bit of shock, like when I met my dad for the first time. I think I know I won't be here forever, but it sure feels like it.
But, I guess at some point you get to the last layer of the onion.
I was sitting in the car with my very good friend who has been going to my sessions with me. The session was very difficult, so when I got in the car, I was feeling everything imaginable. Everything that I had pushed down these last weeks all of a sudden came to the surface and just swirled around. I felt overwhelmed and just wanted to get out of the car and run or throw things and yell, but most of all yell and throw things. I was agitated, angry, sad....I didn't know what I wanted to do or not do. I eventually let my friend put her arms around me and I sat there and cried. When I got the boldness to do so, I said, "It's real, isn't it?" and "Something bad really did happen."
She said 'Yes'.
And I was broken once more. But, the cool thing about that moment was that at that very same moment in time that I made this acknowledgment, it began to rain. We had been sitting in the car with the windows and the sunroof open, so the rain fell into the car and onto our faces and heads. It was beautiful. My friend said, "God is speaking", and in that moment I knew God had heard me and He felt my pain. He was there when I made this acknowledgment.
I have heard many times that people are like onions...everything is a process...you have to peel back the layers....Well, I know it's true. And this is definitely a process.
And I hate that word...I hate those sets of words. It's frustrating that everything is a process. But, He is the God of the process. There is this song by Bebo Norman that I have been listening to. It's called, God of my Everything. Here are the lyrics.
Oh God of Heaven come and hem me in
Gather the pieces that are broken
Show me the wonder of You again
Oh God of Heaven
God of my hope, God of my need
God of my pain that no one else will ever see
God of my healing, God of my strength
God who has always and will forever reign
God of my everything
In all creation You call my name
In all the beauty that this world displays
Still I'm the one for who Your heart aches
In all creation
God of my hope, God of my need
God of my pain that no one else will ever see
God of my healing, God of my strength
God who has always and will forever reign
God of my everything
God of my everything
And when the mountains shake
You are my God
You never change
And when the earth gives way
You are still God
You never change
God of my hope, God of my need
God of my pain that no one else will ever see
God of my healing, God of my strength
God who has always and will forever reign
God of my everything
God of my everything
God of my everything
God of my everything
I love what this song has to say. My heart had been hard to Him for so long, and still is in a way. But, I think that those moments in the car when my tears and the rain both fell, my heart was opened to Him more. He is the God of my everything, and somehow, I have hope right now. It's slim, but it's still there, which is more than what's been there.
I know that I am going to be processing at different times. I've already experienced this. I'm fine one moment, and the next I'm crying and I'm angry or sad and I don't want it to be real. It feels like someone whom I loved very much died and I just want for them to come back. It hurts. And I think there is a bit of shock, like when I met my dad for the first time. I think I know I won't be here forever, but it sure feels like it.
But, I guess at some point you get to the last layer of the onion.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Clarification
So, I want to make a clarification. As you know, I met my dad back in October for the first time in 18 years. I wrote a note about how the meeting went, which went well, but somewhere, some things have gotten lost in translation. People have this belief that if something is good, good things follow, and if something is bad, bad things follow. Therefore, good things don't bring bad things and vice versa.
Wrong.
This post is to clarify. Yes, the meeting with my dad went well, as well as it probably could have gone for the first time meeting him in 18 years. If you go back and read my post, you'll find that it went well. For weeks after meeting my dad, people would ask me how I was doing. This is how the conversation usually went:
"Hey, how are you doing?"
"I'm hanging in there. Things have been tough since meeting my dad."
"I thought the meeting went well?"
And the answer following is a very long explanation. So, to save myself from having to explain to a lot of people, I thought I would just put one here to send people to for reference.
So, even though my meeting with my dad went well, life has been very difficult since then. A lot of things have come up from the depths. After everything with my dad happened when I was 3, after all the trauma, I put everything away. I pushed it far down into the depths of my heart and mind, never to really be brought up again. I was a child and I didn't need to deal with that trauma. I had no need to, really. But, once I met my dad, those things came flooding back against my will and couldn't be denied access. They were just there, and I couldn't deny them. I wasn't okay.
The things that have come up are a bunch of emotions...more than I would like to have. They have been anger, sadness, fear, hatred, guilt, confusion, numbness, and probably a whole host of others. I've gone from being okay with my dad to not wanting much to do with him. I've gone from being able to say I love him to saying I hate him. It's so confusing. I've been having memories, flashbacks, and body memories that aren't fun to deal with. The confusing thing is is that I don't even remember what happened, but apparently my body does. It's almost like when someone loses a limb...they still have the feelings of that limb being there at times, but it's not physically there. That's what the body memories feel like. They feel like someone is touching me, but no one is there. I call them ghost touches for that very reason.
I've also been dealing with dissociation and a few other things. Life is confusing right now. I have a lot to deal with that I've never dealt with before. I never had a reason to deal with it before because it was never there. And now it's there...all of it. And I can't ignore it, even though I want to. A lot of things have been triggering me, and I don't even know why. There are so many things I need to figure out in order to deal with things, but I don't want to. I need to figure out why things trigger me and what the body memories are from, as well as the flashbacks and pictures I see in my head.
I feel like I am swirling around in a mess of things. So, life is not okay right now. I'm confused as to what I think about my dad being back in my life. Wouldn't you be? It's been 18 long years that I have wondered about him, and now that wondering has been put to rest, but shock has taken hold. It's been about 5 or so months since meeting him and I am still in shock about it. I still can't believe I met him. I touched him. I hugged him. I talked to him. I got to see that I look like him. We have a few things in common. I met my dad. My dad. I met my dad.
See why life has been crazy since meeting him?
Wrong.
This post is to clarify. Yes, the meeting with my dad went well, as well as it probably could have gone for the first time meeting him in 18 years. If you go back and read my post, you'll find that it went well. For weeks after meeting my dad, people would ask me how I was doing. This is how the conversation usually went:
"Hey, how are you doing?"
"I'm hanging in there. Things have been tough since meeting my dad."
"I thought the meeting went well?"
And the answer following is a very long explanation. So, to save myself from having to explain to a lot of people, I thought I would just put one here to send people to for reference.
So, even though my meeting with my dad went well, life has been very difficult since then. A lot of things have come up from the depths. After everything with my dad happened when I was 3, after all the trauma, I put everything away. I pushed it far down into the depths of my heart and mind, never to really be brought up again. I was a child and I didn't need to deal with that trauma. I had no need to, really. But, once I met my dad, those things came flooding back against my will and couldn't be denied access. They were just there, and I couldn't deny them. I wasn't okay.
The things that have come up are a bunch of emotions...more than I would like to have. They have been anger, sadness, fear, hatred, guilt, confusion, numbness, and probably a whole host of others. I've gone from being okay with my dad to not wanting much to do with him. I've gone from being able to say I love him to saying I hate him. It's so confusing. I've been having memories, flashbacks, and body memories that aren't fun to deal with. The confusing thing is is that I don't even remember what happened, but apparently my body does. It's almost like when someone loses a limb...they still have the feelings of that limb being there at times, but it's not physically there. That's what the body memories feel like. They feel like someone is touching me, but no one is there. I call them ghost touches for that very reason.
I've also been dealing with dissociation and a few other things. Life is confusing right now. I have a lot to deal with that I've never dealt with before. I never had a reason to deal with it before because it was never there. And now it's there...all of it. And I can't ignore it, even though I want to. A lot of things have been triggering me, and I don't even know why. There are so many things I need to figure out in order to deal with things, but I don't want to. I need to figure out why things trigger me and what the body memories are from, as well as the flashbacks and pictures I see in my head.
I feel like I am swirling around in a mess of things. So, life is not okay right now. I'm confused as to what I think about my dad being back in my life. Wouldn't you be? It's been 18 long years that I have wondered about him, and now that wondering has been put to rest, but shock has taken hold. It's been about 5 or so months since meeting him and I am still in shock about it. I still can't believe I met him. I touched him. I hugged him. I talked to him. I got to see that I look like him. We have a few things in common. I met my dad. My dad. I met my dad.
See why life has been crazy since meeting him?
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