Yet...

I feel like I am beginning to more understand Jesus when He begs His Father to "let this cup pass from me!" He was in anguish about what was coming in the near future. He knew the time of His betrayal and death was drawing near. And He begged the Father to take it from Him.

I am in a place where I am begging the Lord to "let this cup pass from me!" I don't want to go home. It's not safe there with my sister. She hates me. And I'm not exaggerating. She tells me quite often that she does. I dread going home, mostly because of her. But, this time, there are more reasons that that one for why I don't want to go, but I'm not going to share. The time for me to go home is drawing near, and I am begging my Father to not let it come.

But, He said, "Yet not my will, but Yours be done." He begged His Father to hold back the time, to not let it come, but He also relinquished His will to His Father's will.

I don't want to go home. My mom is not saved, and neither is my sister. I have an opportunity to go home and be Christ to them. I get to show them what He is doing in my life. I get to let them see the healing He is bringing into my life: the healing I thought impossible. I have to relinquish my will to the Lord's will. I know that He is going to use me, but I just don't see how yet. But, "not my will, but Yours be done, oh Lord."

And look what happened. He saved the world when He gave up His will for His Father's.

And who knows what will happen when I give up my will for my Father's? I might not save the world, but maybe I can bring the saving Grace of Jesus to my mom and sister.

It's not over yet.

And He's not done yet.

h/Home

home is not a good place for me. I have never wanted to go home. If it's not my mom fighting with my sister, it's my mom fighting with me. Or, it's my mom having her boyfriend over for the night, making me uncomfortable so I leave and spend the night somewhere else. Home used to be my safe place, away from the bullies at school. That was, until things with my sister got worse and my mom started pushing me away, so I feel. Then, no place was safe.

When I left for college, I was relieved. I finally was away from home. Until holiday vacations rolled around. Then I found myself back in the middle of things. My visits home were never enjoyable. I wished them over before they had even begun. Luckily, this summer I didn't have to go home for long. I was there for about 5 days before I left again to move into the family's home I would be house sitting for later in the summer. I had a summer job at the school library and would be on my own while the family was away.

And it flew by. I moved in on May 26, and I am leaving this Friday, August 21. I am sad about leaving, because this summer has been great. It's been great to be with a family that is typical, and not completely abnormal. I have been able to see how a family is supposed to interact, with only minor disruptions and arguments. I've seen how a husband and wife are supposed to interact and how a father is supposed to interact with his children. It has been a relief.

But, it's ending. I am going home.

But, this morning in church I was reminded of something. This world is not my home. I will be going Home one of these days where moms and dads don't get divorced, dads don't hurt their children, moms don't lie to their daughters, and sisters love each other. Dads don't leave and moms don't get hurt. At my new Home, it is safe. I can't wait to go Home. And the best part is that I will finally have a Dad: a tangible Dad. I can sit in His lap, cry on His shoulder, and feel His arms around me. He won't hurt me, leave me, or push me away, but will love me: only love me.

I can't wait to go Home!

Relentless

In the last few days, I have come to find that my enemy is relentless.

So is my God.

And so am I.

It's been hard. The enemy keeps firing his lies at me, wanting me to believe them. And they sound good. It's hard not to believe them. It's even more difficult not to give in to them. But each time a lie comes my way, I find myself toying with it. But I eventually find myself running to my Strong Tower that is my refuge.

And He fights for me, just like He always has and always will.

I love the story in Exodus where the Israelites have fled with Moses leading them. Pharaoh is in a fit of rage when God hardens his heart again after letting them go. So, he sends out the Egyptians to recapture the Israelites. They are coming up on the Red Sea when the Israelites start giving way to fear, shouting at Moses for leading them to their death, believing they were better off in Egypt. Moses asks God what to tell the people. God tells him to tell the people to not fear. He told Moses to tell the people that they should just stand still and watch the Lord rescue them that day. They only need be calm and not fear, and the Lord Himself would fight for them. He said that the Egyptians they saw before them, they would never see again.

He was right. He kept His promise. He fought for them. He parted the sea, got them through on dry ground, and then closed it on the Egyptians. I love the end of Exodus 14, where this is found. It says that the Israelite's saw the bodies of the Egyptians washing up on shore. Their bodies were proof that they would never be seen again: they were dead.

And God was relentless. Even though the Israelite's complained and belly-ached all the way, He never ceased to provide for them. He loved them. I am sure He cheered for them to get to the Promised Land. He was relentless!

And He's the same today. He hasn't changed since that time: since ever! He still wants to part the sea and drown the Egyptians who are chasing me. And I, just like the Israelite's, hear lies from the enemy. Only the lies I hear aren't about being better off in Egypt, but about being better doing this or doing that. I hear the enemy telling me I am safer going this way, but I know better.

And my God is relentless! He fights for me with His truth! Just like Moses told them the truth, that God would rescue them, I know God will rescue me!

I know, because my God is relentless!

Law and Justice, Concern, and yet, Failure

The law has failed me. They took my trust. They say they're concerned, but they lie. And if they are telling the truth, that they really are concerned, then they failed miserably with me. They let me down. He should have been put in prison. He should have to register. He should not have a family. He should not have gotten out.

I can't get out. I've been in prison my entire life. I'm terrified to have a relationship with a man. I got a life sentence, but he got off easily.

I was only three, but I knew. I could have told them. Screw the laws for protection. They didn't protect me to begin with, otherwise he would not have hurt me. I don't understand why, if I could tell my mom what happened, why I couldn't sit and tell a judge what happened? It's not like I was a child. I became an adult the moment I told my mom.

This is something I've been angry about my entire life. I hear and read of stories of people in my situation who actually get to see some justice. And it's not fair. He didn't even get this put on his record.

And I see so many books about this. People seem to generally care. But then why did the law fail me? They do studies that tell us statistics, and yet they do nothing, even though the statistics are staggering.

So, while there may be this thing called Law and Justice in which people might feel concern, they fail at bringing justice. But thankfully, my dad will get the Justice that is coming to him. On that day, One will judge him and give the justice deserved. The Lord will provide vengeance for me. He will be my Justice. He will give my dad what he deserves.

But in the mean time, I have to get out of this prison.

El Qanna

There are so many battles going on around me.

There is a battle that rages at home between my mom and my sister, me and my sister, my mom and I about her boyfriend, and between my mom and God.

There is a battle going on inside myself.

There is a battle raging between Heaven and Hell in which I am in the middle, being pulled this way and that, trying to resist one way and flee to the other.

And there is even an unspoken battle.

But, my God is a jealous God. He is El Qanna. Moses told the Israelites in Exodus 14:13-14 to not be afraid. He told them what God told him to say: that if they will just stand still and be calm, the Lord will rescue them. He said that He himself would fight for them. He wasn't going to send someone else to fight for the people He loved. No, He was going to fight for them himself.

My God is a jealous God. He fights for me. He himself fights for me. Even though these battles rage on in my life, heart, and head, He is fighting for me. He loves me that much.

And if my God is fighting for me, doesn't that mean He is on my side? And if the Lord is for me, who can be against me? If He is fighting for me, what can mere mortals do to me?

If He is fighting for me, why should I be afraid of the arrows or swords? Why should I be afraid of the things I am going through?

He is El Qanna, which means 'jealous God.' He is jealous for His people. He is jealous for me. Satan wants me, but my God won't let him have me, because I am one of His. And even though these battles rage on, I can confidently say that my God will rescue me. He says, "Just stand still, my child. Do not be afraid. Just stand still and watch me rescue you. I will fight for you. Just be calm."

Thank you, Abba, for being my El Qanna.