Asking For and Receiving Help

I like to be independent. Don't we all?

But then something happens, like spraining my ankle, and I need help. I become dependent. And it's hard. To go from doing everything myself to needing everything done for me is quite a humbling and difficult thing to experience. 

I hate it. It's difficult. No one offers help: I have to ask for it. And I feel bad for needing so much help. It'd be easier if someone was offering. 

There is a stigma with asking for help. We like to be independent and asking for help looks weak. And anyway, who'd want to help us? 

I'm in the midst of a difficult day. My body is sore from the crutches and the physical exertion it is taking, and I'm just frustrated. I'm frustrated that I can't do things on my own and frustrated again that this injury happened because of the inconvenience it's caused. 

So, in the midst of my emotions and tears, I sought refuge in Scripture. Thinking about all this dependence led me to think of a verse in Isaiah. When I read it, I found more than I anticipated. Here are the verses I found: 

"This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. You said, 'No, we will flee on horses.' Therefore you will flee! You said, 'We will ride off on swift horses.' Therefore your pursuers will be swift! A thousand will flee at the threat of one; at the threat of five you will all flee away, till you are left like a flagstaff on a mountaintop, like a banner on a hill." Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! People of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you." -Isaiah 30:15-19

If you have't made the connection, let me point it out to you.

The people basically wanted to do it all themselves...they didn't want the Lord's help. And they were frustrated as a result, because their enemies pursued them. All the while, God is waiting to be gracious to them, to help them. He will be incredibly gracious when they cry out to Him for help. As soon as He hears, He will answer them.

I want to do it all by myself. I don't want the Lord's help. And I get frustrated. I'm just like the people. And all the while, God is waiting to be so incredibly gracious to me. The part that gets me is, "How gracious he will be when you cry for help!" How gracious....

It's not only difficult for me to ask those around me for help with physical things, but it's also difficult to ask God for things. But, how gracious He will be when I do cry out for help. And, as soon as He hears, He will answer me. He won't delay. He won't say, "I'll be there in a minute after I..." He answers immediately.

I'm still caught up in the gracious part. How gracious He will be when you cry for help! Wow. He wants to help. But He doesn't force it upon me. He waits for me to cry to Him. But when I do, I can be sure I won't be inconveniencing Him. Actually, it's the reverse. I'm inconveniencing Him when I don't ask for help or when I don't receive what He wants to give to me/do for me. Ha! Isn't that a thought?!?

He is waiting, ready and willing, to help me when I cry out. How gracious He will be....

Because of Your love....

I was reading my Bible last night when I came across Isaiah 43:25, which says,

"I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more."

I had to read that a few times to get what it was saying, because I couldn't believe what I had just read. He blots out my sins for His sake.

Did you get that? It's for His sake that He blots out my transgressions. And I thought it was about me....

I'm blown away at this and find myself speechless. Because, why? Wouldn't it be for my sake that He blots out my transgressions? Why is it for His?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized it's because if He didn't blot out my transgressions, He'd have to condemn me to Hell. He couldn't love me. He couldn't redeem or rescue me if He didn't blot them out.

It's all because of His love.

Never Alone

If you read my previous post, "Ponderings", you noticed God showed me something that I'm sure He's been wanting to get through to me for a while now. That thing is that He did not cause or allow my dad to abuse me, just like He didn't cause or allow me to get injured during my run on Monday. The laws of humanity and gravity and nature just took over. But, He was there. I know He was. While I was laying on the ground, crying and screaming in pain and anger, I noticed the sun was shining down on me through the gap in the trees. He was with me. I was not alone.

Thinking about that led me to want to see how He was with me when my dad was abusing me all those times. I've never wanted to know before. It has always enraged me that He might have been there but didn't do anything. It made me hate Him to know that He saw it happening and didn't make it stop. And for that reason, I didn't want to see how He was there.

But, all of a sudden, I did. So, I asked Him. What I found is that He was there. Every time. Every single time my dad hurt me, He was there. He was angry for me and had anger in His eyes, though not at me. He cried with me and it hurt Him, too. He was sad He couldn't take me away from that. But, He was there. I can see Him by the bedside as this little girl is being hurt so badly. And He is crying and is angry. He never left. It pained Him to see that happening. He couldn't watch. He looked into my eyes the whole time. And held my hand.

After He showed me this, He held His arms out to me, wanting to hold me. So I let Him. He lifted me up into His lap and I curled up there, leaning against His white robed chest. He is so big compared to how small I am, even though I'm 26. He wrapped His arms around me as I lay my head against His chest. His white robe hid me. He is safe and warm and cozy and nice. He is so big and gentle. I never want to leave. I hope I never do.

I was never alone.
I am never alone.

Ponderings

I'm a runner. Not a great one, by any means, but I still run. I love running. Because of depression and things, I haven't been as active as I used to be before I lost my job in July. Before that, I was running all the time. But, that's not where this is headed.

A friend and I decided to go running yesterday morning. I love trail running, so we headed out on one of my favorite trails. It's a wooded trail that runs along a ditch that flows with water. It's a beautiful trail. I had just finished showing my friend where I had sprained my ankle a few years ago on that very trail when, just a few feet ahead, just as we had begun jogging again, I stepped on a root or a rock or something and heard a sound like someone stepping on branches and they were breaking. And down I went. In tons of a pain and tears and anger and a whole flood of pain and emotions. I eventually went to prompt care, where X-rays were taken and it was said that I sprained my ankle. There were no broken bones, but lots of soft tissue damage. They put me in a soft cast/splint with crutches and said that I'm not to bear weight on it for 2 weeks. So, I'm in this uncomfortable splint with lots of pain, unable to bear weight on it, for 2 whole weeks.

And I keep thinking, "Why?"

Someone suggested that either He saved me from something or will deliver me from something...that there is a reason for everything. But, is there? I'm sure there is....but, really?

One of my thoughts was that maybe there was something worse farther down the trail...there have been lots of mountain lion sightings around here lately....maybe there was one on the trail and we would have run into it. Maybe I was injured to spare my friend (who is married and has children) from that 'something worse.'

And maybe not.

Another of my thoughts that keeps jogging in my head is, "Why did God allow this to happen?" Maybe He caused this to happen. And yet another thought is that No, He didn't...it just happened.

Whatever the reason or no reason, I think I see something in it.

I've been wrestling with God for a while now about why He allowed me to be abused and why He did nothing about it. I've even been angry with Him and have told Him I hated Him. But, I think this running injury shows me that He didn't allow or cause it to happen...It just did. He didn't allow or cause me to fall and be injured. It just happened. The laws of nature and gravity happened. Just like with my dad, the laws of humanity happened. That doesn't mean God wasn't there, but He didn't cause or allow it to happen.

But, He was there. And He'll use it, just like He has just used this running injury.

Something Worth Fighting For

I went on a run today in Murphy's, CA after my counseling appointment. I ended up at the new memorial for those who have lost their lives serving our country. I found a place to sit, and then stared at this:

 I was captivated. I couldn't stop looking at it. Never have I been so captivated by a sculpture like this. Honestly, it's never had my interest. But today I couldn't stop looking at it.

And I couldn't help but sit and think.

I thought about the battle this man must have had to face, and many others like him. I couldn't help but think about why he would choose to fight, or about what the cost of fighting might be.

And did you see his face?

The look on his face is that of determination. He is on a mission. But, why?

Because he knows that what he is fighting for is worth fighting for. He is fighting for freedom. Isn't that what every soldier in every battle fights for?

In the midst of being so captivated by this sculpture and my thoughts about it, I couldn't help but think about my own battle.

When I was in college, my best friend would always ask me,
"Mindy, what are we fighting for?" 
"Freedom," I'd say.
Because that is what I was fighting for.

And it's what I'm still fighting for. The battle has been and is so long and hard and I've lost my focus and it doesn't seem to be worth it.

But it is, because freedom of any kind is always worth fighting for. I don't always see that it's worth it, though, especially when the battle is raging and I'm bloody and worn tired from the fight. But, just like this soldier had an army with him, I have one with me to remind me that there is something worth fighting for and that this battle is not the end.

It's only the beginning.

And the beginning is also worth fighting for.

Hands Full of _________.

I went for a run today for the first time in a while. If you've been following me on Facebook, you'd know that I've been finding tons of hearts. Everywhere. I found many on my run today. If you've been reading my blog, you might know that I also find pennies, and to me, they are God asking me if I trust Him.

Today, I found two pennies, one right after the other, with just a few footsteps in between. Of course, I picked both of them up. Sometimes I'm not sure why I pick them up, since my heart doesn't seem to respond to them. But, maybe in picking them up, my heart is responding even in the slightest bit.

Anyhow, I picked one penny up with my right hand, and the other one up with my left. As soon as both hands were holding a penny, I heard,

"When your hands are filled with trust, what else can they be filled with?" 

We fill our hands with many things: worry, confusion, fear, doubt, (pick your poison). But, if our hands are filled with trust, there's not room for any of those other things. If we hold onto trust, there's nothing else to hold onto.

                                   So, what are you holding onto? What are your hands full of?

Trust Me...

Has anyone ever told you to trust them? I'm sure we've all heard it multiple times in our lives and in multiple forms:

"Just trust me."
"Trust me, you'll love it!"
"Trust me. It'll be good."
"Believe me, it'll be okay."
"I know...believe me."
"I know...trust me."

Any of those sound familiar?

I found a bunch of pennies the other day.

Since I read one of those "forward this" emails during my Freshman year of college, pennies have always been to me God's way of asking, "Do you trust Me?" He's always asking me that, probably because I don't fully trust Him.

Trust has always been a big issue for me. ALWAYS. But He has never stopped asking that question. Especially lately, trust is a necessity. There are so many things going on in my world that are out of my control, that I desperately need to trust Him. He knows this, so is continuously asking me to trust Him.

But, my answer has continuously been, "No". Instead, I'm worried about the outcome of some situations.

I'm afraid to trust. Remember that I said trust has always been a big issue? Well, if you forgot, let me say it again: trust has always been a big issue for me. I've had my trust betrayed. I've been hurt because I trusted. You might be thinking, "But, God's not like man...." Yeah, I know that. But that doesn't help my heart to trust. That doesn't cause my walls and guards to crumble to the ground. I wish it did, but it doesn't.

But that's not to say God doesn't try. He's trying right now. He's speaking a language I understand to help my heart to trust Him. That language is this:

I opened this post by asking if anyone has ever said to you, "Just trust me...." Usually, when someone says that, it's because they have experienced for themselves what you are about to experience, and they know it's good. Or, it's more than likely because the outcome of whatever they're asking you to trust them about is going to be good. Right? Otherwise, they wouldn't say it.

God knows that the outcome of the situations I'm in are going to be good. Otherwise, He wouldn't be asking me to trust Him.

I'm reminded of Jeremiah 29:11,

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

 as well as Proverbs 3:5-6,

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not upon your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.

[Honestly, all of this is head-knowledge...right now. Hopefully, it'll become heart-knowledge for me. But, in the mean time, I thought I'd share what God showed me with this. It helps my heart to grow closer to trusting Him when He shares things with me that I can make sense of intellectually and logically. That was the language I was speaking of.]

If He didn't mean it...if it wasn't true, He wouldn't have said it. Right? So while my heart doesn't yet trust Him fully, it is a little bit closer.

The Climb Is Worth The Beauty

I went on a hike today with a friend to Cleo's Bath. It wasn't like the hike I had in my head. I was picturing a nice, easy, leisurely hike. After a week of exercise, that sounded nice. Instead, it was an intense, you-need-to-be-in-shape-to-do-this kind of hike. It included lots of climbing- lots of really intense climbing.

See the blue arrow? We followed it and climbed up!

Me climbing!

These hikers graciously allowed me a photo
to show the intensity of the climb.

When we reached the top, when all the climbing was done, the view was amazing, as was what we found!

We got to spend some time chilling on the rocks, enjoying the view. As I sat on a rock and looked around, taking in the beauty around me, a thought struck me. My friend had mentioned how you wouldn't know this was here from Pinecrest because you can't see it. That is, unless you hiked up to it.

Her words made me realize that the hike, the climb, was worth all the beauty that we were surrounded by. If we wouldn't have made that climb, we wouldn't have been able to see what was there for us to enjoy. Sure, the climb was hard and intense and our bodies are extremely sore from it, but it was totally worth it.

Isn't this just like life? We don't know what's up ahead unless we trudge ourselves onward, despite the difficulty or pain, or the intensity of the climb, walk, run, or whatever it is...and if we don't keep going, we'll never know. We'll never get to see the beauty that is awaiting us.

I think I have blogged about this before, so if I have, I don't apologize because it's pertinent in my life currently.
I've been climbing a mountain for a while now, seeming to not get any closer to the top. It's intense, hard, and pain inducing. I'm sore, exhausted, and I want to quit.

But what keeps me going, just like what kept me going on this hike/climb, is knowing that it will be worth it at the top. I have friends who spur me on, encouraging my heart that this difficult trek will be worth it once I reach my destination. And they know, because they have been there. My friend who I hiked with today had been to Cleo's Bath before, so I could believe her when she said it'd be worth it.

It's not easy sometimes. Despite what people tell me, I still want to quit because it's just too hard, and I don't care about what's at the top.

But then God gives me something like today that encourages my heart to keep going one more day.

Pinecrest, where we hiked from, is way in the background. It's the little blot of brown sandwiched between the two rows of green trees.