Stagnant

How many times have I uttered the words, "I come from an abusive background", "My dad sexually abused me when I was 3", or "My dad was sexually abusive"? Probably too many to count. But, I've said them.

But it's never been as real as it is now.

And I still keep fighting it. When will I give in and deal with it? It feels like a lose/lose situation. I just can't win. I think the stupid thing about all this is that I can't even remember. It's so stupid. But, it's not. Right? I just don't want to give into this. I'm fighting, but the giving in is inevitable. It'll happen sooner or later.

How can it be that it's never seemed real before? Am I just being dramatic? Would anyone in their right mind make stuff up? Am I acting on the things I've been told? Is this stuff real? How do I even begin to deal with it all?

Am I ready? Am I to the point where I am ready to deal with all of this? Am I strong enough? Can I do it? I'm scared. I don't even know where to begin. And I just don't want to. I don't want to face the demons. They're the things I've hidden for so long.

I feel trapped, I think. I'm fighting the wrong thing. Someone told me that facing it lasts only a short while, but not facing it lasts forever. This couldn't be any more truer. I want to fight...I want to argue...come back with a 'but'. But I can't.

Then, there's forgiveness. I know I need to forgive my dad again, but I haven't been able to bring myself to it. Doing that means that something actually happened, and I don't want to admit that. But, I think I'm coming to understand that forgiveness is more for me rather than him. I've been listening to the song, '7x70' by Chris August, and it's been making me think. Basically, the song's point is that forgiveness brings healing to us. I've been thinking of how good healing might feel. I remember countless times when I had to be off my ankle because I sprained it. When it was finally healed, it felt so good to walk or run on it again. Once, I had tendinitis in my left knee. I couldn't walk very well or run at all. When my knee was healed, it felt so good to run again. But, the healing came slowly. I've also thought of all the times I've had a cut or a scrape that needed to heal and how during the healing process it was so uncomfortable. It was itchy and scabby. But, when the wound was healed, it felt so much better. Is this going to be the same?

I've been pretty angry at God lately. I hate him for a few reasons. I'm angry at him because I'm being forced to face the things I've been running from. I'm angry because I have to let it hurt and can't do anything about it. I'm angry because I just don't want to. I'm angry at him for a few other reasons, but I won't put them here.

I realize that I am battling a lot of lies. They are lies about myself and about God. I've realized that I've lived in self-hate my entire life and these lies are part of that. I don't even know where or how to begin uprooting those lies and planting truth.

I titled this 'Stagnant' because that is how I feel right now. I'm not moving. And I haven't wanted to. There is so much more I want to write here, but it's already 4:37a.m. and I need to get some sleep. Ah, sleep. That's another thing I hate. I'll write about that later.