Open Wounds

In the dark with the music on
Wishing I was somewhere else
Taking all your anger out on me, somebody help
I would rather rot alone
Then spend a minute with you
I'm gone, I'm gone

And you can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault

[Chorus]
How could you, how could you, how could you hate me?
When all I ever wanted to be was you?
How could you, how could you, how could you love me?
When all you ever gave me were open wounds?

Downstairs the enemy sleeps
Leaving the TV on
Watching all the dreams we had turn into static
Doesn't matter what I do
Nothing's gonna change
I'm never good enough

And you can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault

[Chorus]

Tell me why you broke me down and betrayed my trust in you
I'm not giving up, giving in when will this war end?
When will it end??

You can't stop me from falling apart [3X]
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault.


I really relate to this song. I like the part that says, "How could you love me when all you ever gave me were open wounds?"

I've heard a few times from my mom that my dad loved me. I hate when she says that. Since meeting my dad, I've heard him say that he loves me, as well. I hate it when he says that. It pisses me off because I just don't understand how he can say that when what he did was so terrible.

I talked to him about that, by the way. I told him that he didn't have to acknowledge anything, but that I wasn't going to pretend everything was fine. When he pretended I was talking about the domestic violence, I told him it was what happened between him and I. When I said that, he said, "I don't know what happened...I don't think anything really happened." If he was being accused of something that never happened, don't you think he'd have said, "Nothing happened."? If nothing happened, would he have given me the response he did?

I don't think so.

I just came upon this song, but I love it already. I have many open wounds right now that are so raw. I'm just trying to figure everything out, and no one is helping me. I'm not getting straight answers from either parent. It's so hard right now. I feel so alone. And my open wounds hurt.

The things I'm trying to figure out are things like why I react to certain things. Like red soap...who the heck first of all makes red soap, and who else would be bothered by it? I hate red soap. I can't stand it when I see it on my hands. Secondly, what about the things that I see in my mind sometimes? Are they real? Are they things of a time long past? Do I sit and deal with them since to me they are real? Even if they really aren't? Why do I hate shadows and certain words?

My mind is spinning and my thoughts are racing. These open wounds hurt...they hurt so deep that words cannot express their pain and pictures cannot capture it.

Another line I love in this song is, "And you can't stop me from falling apart, 'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault". There is nothing that my dad can do to make anything better. All the things he did that have caused me pain are his fault. I think I have a choice in my self-destruction, but I think he plays a major part in it. He for sure doesn't help me at all.

The only thing he really did give me that has stuck with me is open wounds. And now I have to sit here and let them heal.

As I sit here writing, I'm thinking about a lot of things. Referring back to that phone conversation I had with my dad, I'm thinking about writing a letter. I wasn't able to be as direct in my language on the phone, because it was hard and I was scared, but if I write a letter, I can be. So, what if I write him a letter? What if, in my letter, I come straight out and say it? Maybe it will help me start to let these open wounds heal.