I find it so interesting that in the bad times, God is not good, but in the good times, He is good. Really, He has not changed. He is good in the good times and He is just as good in the bad times. It's my perspective that has changed, or my view that has been distorted by that which is assailing me.
I understand that things are not as they should be right now. I am not going to deny this fact. I know that I am believing lies about myself and about God. I am sorry to say that I don't know how to go about uprooting the lies and planting the truth. Truth is, I'm tired. I don't think I have the strength. But, just as you pull up weeds one at at time, I can try to manage one lie at at time. I think that is where my focus has gotten lost. I think that I have to pull them up all at once. But, this is unrealistic. Only Superman can do that, and I am definitely not Superman, nor any other super hero or heroine. Somewhere, this truth has been lost in translation.
I also understand that I am very confused right now. I have been switching back and forth, trying to make sense of things, but to be honest, nothing makes sense. And I mean, absolutely nothing. What I'm talking about is how I feel like I keep going back and forth with God. At one point, I'm okay with Him, another I hate him, another I don't know what I think about Him, and another...well, you get the picture. I think it goes with my dissociation. Angry Mindy hates God and is very angry at Him, little Mindy is afraid of Him and doesn't trust Him, Adult Mindy thinks that she has to have everything together before she can go to Him, and Numb Mindy is just numb. She just wants someone to hold her and let her fall apart. She's indifferent to the whole thing. It's like she's lost out there somewhere and no one can reach her.
So, with all that said, I don't know where I stand with God. I think there is a part that is okay with Him. There is a part that shows herself sometimes who knows what she thinks about God. She knows that He is good and trustworthy and that He loves her: most of all that He loves her. I want this to be me, but I'm not sure it is. I mean, I think it is, but I don't know how to be her.
I've been praying that God would soften my heart toward Him. I wonder how much He has, and how much I've been switching in and out of dissociations. If I can only get all of them on the same level it would be okay. But I don't know how to do that. I guess it's like talking to yourself.
So, I need to talk to myselves. I say "myselves", because they are all a part of me, but different. I also need to start weeding one lie at a time and planting one truth at a time.
I'm going to be honest. I think I have a hard time doing these things, positive things, when things are bad. I mean, I don't understand how it is okay to be happy when things are bad. I don't understand how it is okay to go to God when things are bad. I don't understand how it is okay to accept His love and goodness and all that jazz when things aren't okay. When I say to Him, "I hate you", He says, "I love you". I don't understand. I've grown up in conditional love. If my mom was mad at me, we didn't talk until I apologized and until we were okay. If something was amiss, it had to be made right before we could talk and be okay. So, to hear that God loves me even in the midst of my anger toward Him is contrary to what I believed. I don't know how to accept it. Is it okay to accept it? Even when I don't know that I believe it?
I guess I have the belief that it's not okay to not be okay. It's not okay to not have it all together.
If I can go back to my opening paragraph, I think that I need to let my walls down. I mean, I know I need to let them down...but, is it okay? Is it safe? I feel like when bad things happen, or when life goes amiss, I have to put my walls back up and be defensive. I sink into myself because that is safest. I'm safe when I'm inside myself. I don't have to fear the wrath of others.
I remember when I was younger, there was this one time when, during the summer, I wasn't feeling well. I was having trouble with diarrhea or something like that. It was during a huge festival we have in my town every year. I remember this because my church had a float in the parade on that Sunday and we went to the park with the church after it was over. I remember that my mom was mad at me because I kept having accidents. It really wasn't my fault, but she made it feel like it was. It couldn't be helped. I just wasn't feeling well. I'm not sure if this is exactly as was, but it's how I remember it, and I'm learning to validate the things I remember. So, I'm going to validate this and say that it was how it was. I felt so...low. I felt like a failure...I was how old and I couldn't even make it to the bathroom? My mom would have been happy with me if only I would have been able to not make a mess in my pants.
I don't know where that came from or if it has anything to do with this, but I think it probably does, otherwise it wouldn't have come up. I think it's how I feel with God. If only I could do this, He would be happy with me. If only I could not do that, we would be okay. But, I forget that He is not like my mom or my dad. He is not human. His love is unconditional. I think this is something He might be trying to get through to me. It's been a recurring theme the past twenty-four hours. But, He's also patient. Which means He is going to keep trying to get this through to me until I accept it. With this, I go back to, 'is it okay to accept it when things aren't okay?' Well, His love is unconditional, isn't it?
The definition of 'unconditional' is: not limited by conditions; true for all values of the variable; without conditions or limitations. I like this definition, especially the math reference. His love is true for all states of me. No matter what state I am in, He loves me. His love has no conditions or limitations. It is not limited by my anger, failure, or anything else. He loves me no matter what.
I'm listening to a song right now by the band, Gungor. It's called, Fly. There is a line that says,
You can come While your heart feels numb You could just lie down And rest
I feel almost like the Prodigal son. He took off with his inheritance (or his father's money), and squandered it all. He wandered home dirty, smelly, stained by sin, and hungry, and thinking that His father would only take pity on him to allow him to be a worker in his fields. But, to his surprise, his father was waiting outside for him. He had been looking for him. When he saw him, he ran to him. He
ran to him. He pulled him into his already open arms and embraced him. He cleaned him up and threw a party. Why? Because he loved his son with an unconditional love.
This is the love God has for me. And I can't take it in. Is it okay to accept it? I feel like it's not, because that means my walls have to come down. But, what if I accept it, but leave them up for just a little while longer? Is that okay? Just 'till I know it's safe? Will He want me even though I still have walls up?
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