The Climb

The Climb
Songwriters: Alexander, J; Mabe, J;

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa


Life definitely is a climb. For me it is, anyway. It seems like there is always some mountain that I'm having to climb. It's not fair. I'm tired, and I just want to rest.

I've been realizing lately that I've been abused by all three members of my immediate family. I used to only think it was one, the most obvious of them. Then, I realized that another one had probably abused me, too. Now, as I look back on memories of the third member of my family, I've realized that she, too, abused me. Not to mention I was abused verbally by the kids at school by their teasing. Thus considered, I've been abused my entire life. It's quite an overwhelming realization.

And it's just another mountain to climb.

Am I ever going to get over all these mountains? What's the mountain that everyone tries to climb, and some die? Mt. Everest, that's the one. If I put everything together, it seems like Mt. Everest. Who else do you know that has their own Mt. Everest?

I like that this song says that it's not about how fast I get there, but what's waiting on the other side. And just what is waiting on the other side?

My best friend is always reminding me what this fight is for. "It's for freedom." Not only is it for freedom, but for healing and wholeness.

But, this climb...there are always 'what ifs' to everything, including this. What if I don't make it? What if I fall? What if I get hurt along the way? What happens when I do make it over? What does that life look like? Will I ever reach the top? What if I lose my faith along the way?

Life really is just one big Mt. Everest to climb. Some make it, others don't. I hope I'm one of those who make it. I've come so far already. My friend's mom, the one I'm staying with in CA, has told me a few times that she is amazed at how well I've turned out, at how well rounded I am, despite the things I've gone through. I don't think I've ever really had anyone acknowledge me for where I am and how far I've come despite all the things I've been through. I still have a very long way, but it's good to be acknowledged and have my efforts validated.

Honestly, though, I really believe it's God who has brought me thus far. I think that if it weren't for His hand in my life, I'd be a rebellious bad girl, the one all the statistics about kids like me rant about. If it weren't for Him, I'd have given up this climb years ago.

I've still got a long climb ahead of me. I know it won't be easy, but I hope it's worth it. I guess I'll see once I get to the other side.

Cheers. Here's to the climb.

Out of my hands

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I was worried about my finances. I'm here in California, but feel like I should have a job. I know God brought me here for a reason or two, but I still feel discontent to be here when I think about my financial situation.

Since my Junior year of college, I have been supporting a child through Compassion International. Finances have been tough, but I've been able to manage supporting this child. But now, I don't think I can. I don't have a job right now and won't have one for the next 7, 8, maybe 9 months. I won't be able to sponsor a child. Compassion is supposed to take money out of my bank account tomorrow, but there isn't enough in there. I'm going to try and call them before they take it out, but if I'm too late, I don't know what I'll do.

I hate asking for help. I've always been independent because I've seen my mom ask for help and I don't want to have to do that. But, I sent a text to my aunt tonight explaining my situation and asking if she could help me. As I was forming my message, I saw a penny on the ground. If you have read any of my past blog posts, you would know that, to me, pennies are a signal that God is asking me if I'm trusting Him with the current situation I'm worrying about. (God and I have had this thing with pennies for four years now.) I picked it up from the ground and thought about it's meaning, or implied meaning, rather. Am I trusting Him with my finances? Not really. I should be, but it's so hard. You think it'd be easier.

This post is probably going to be a mess of my thoughts on this subject, because I have been thinking a lot today and a lot of things have happened. This morning in church, the worship leader was talking about trusting God. She said there are three things you believe when you trust God: 1) God is in control. 2) God knows what's best. 3) He loves you. Do I believe these things? I don't know...I definitely struggle with these things.

And then I find this penny...and I'm reminded of Matthew 6 where Jesus talks about not worrying about anything...that my Father sees my need and will provide. Does He? Does He see and will He provide? I've seen Him provide in the past, but this is a big need right now. So many things depend on the finances I don't have.

But, then I think about this: why do I worry about things that are out of my control? So I was turned over to the collections agency...I can't do anything about it. I can't get a job right now because of where I feel God is leading me. I can't do anything if I call Compassion tomorrow and they have already taken the money out of my account. There is absolutely nothing I can do. And yet I worry. How silly is that? It amazes me that things can be so out of my control...so far out of my hands...and yet I still worry and fret. Why?

And why do I worry and fret when I have the God of the universe...the God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills...on my side? Maybe it's because I don't trust Him the way I should. Maybe it's because I don't believe He will do what He says. Maybe I don't think that He will come through.

Maybe it's because what needs to happen is something way out of my hands and in Someone else's...Someone I can't see or understand or touch. Maybe because I can't touch Him, I think that He can't touch my situation.

Whatever the reason or logic, it's all out of my hands. Nothing is in my control, and yet I am striving so hard to be in control. Why?

I need to trust Him, but I don't know how. Sometimes it's easy, other times, not so much. Maybe one day I'll learn.

It takes time

I hate that people keep saying "it takes time" to get over the death of my cousin. I don't think time can ever heal or help me get over this loss. It's such a dumb phrase..."it takes time"...ugh! Who says that? I mean, come on...get real.

I especially hate that people say I have time...I feel like I don't have time. They say I have time when it comes to healing all the wounds from my dad, but I feel like they are wrong. I feel like I don't have time. I feel like I have so many other responsibilities that keep me from having the time I need to deal with my issues. I mean...I need to get a job. I just heard that the debt I owe to my college was just sent to the collections agency. I have no way to even begin paying on it, and I am not going to be getting a job anytime soon because of where I feel God is leading me for the next 6 months so that I can deal with my issues and have the time I need. But, what happens if I don't get a job and start paying on this? Does it really matter? I mean, we're in the end times, right? "God, I really need you to come through on this. I need you to do something."

I hate that so many things take time...and so much time. But, how much, exactly?

One of my passwords to an account I had used to be 'He will restore me'. I think I believe that, but I'm not sure. Is it possible? So many things in my life are broken...can they be restored? Can I be fully restored? How long will it take for Him to restore me?

I don't have any answers to these questions...only that it takes time...and I'm tired of hearing that.

Everywhere and yet nowhere

I still think it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake. She was not supposed to go. I see her everywhere and in every long-haired brunette, both curly and straight. Why is she gone? There has to be some mistake...some misunderstanding. I keep waiting for my aunt to call and say it's all been a mistake, even though the funeral has come and gone. I still want it to be someone else, not my cousin, my sister, and friend.

Why, God?!? I don't get it! If you are all powerful and stuff why can't you bring her back? Why did you take her? I don't get it! I can't comprehend why she is gone, or even the fact that she is gone. I don't understand why this happened! I'm so angry and I want to scream and yell. I'm so mad at you! Just...why?!? Why is she everywhere and yet nowhere?!? I want her back! WWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!???????????

Ain't No Reason

There ain’t no reason things are this way.
Its how they always been and they intend to stay.
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday.

Preachers on the podium speakin’ to saints..
Paupers on the sidewalk beggin’ for change,
Old ladies laughing from the fire escape, cursing my name.
I got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same,
A window and a pigeon with a broken wing,
You can spend your whole life workin’ for something
Just to have it taken away.
People walk around pushing back their debts,
Wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets,
Talking ‘bout nothing, not thinking ‘bout death,
Every little heartbeat, every little breath.
People walk a tight rope on a razors edge
Carrying their hurt and hatred and weapons.
It could be a bomb or a bullet or a pen
Or a thought or a word or a sentence.

There Ain't no reason things are this way.
It's how they always been and they intend to stay
I don’t know why I say the things I say, but I say them anyway.
But love will come set me free
Love will come set me free,I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes.

Prison walls still standing tall,
Some things never change at all.
Keep on buildin’ prisons, gonna fill them all,
Keep on buildin’ bombs, gonna drop them all.

Workin' your fingers bare to the bone,
Breakin' ya back, make ya sell your soul,
Like a loung thats filled with coal, suffocating slow
The wind blows wild and I may move,
The politicians lie and I am not fooled.
You don't need no reason or a three piece suit to argue the truth.
The air on my skin and the world under my toes,
Slavery stitched into the fabric of my clothes,
Chaos and commotion wherever I go, love I try to follow.

Love will come set me free
Love will come set me free, I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes.

There ain't no reason things are this way
It’s how they always been and they intend to stay
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday.
Ain't No Reason- Brett Dennen

I really enjoy the lyrics to this song. I went ahead and posted the entire song, but for what I want to write about, I want to focus on the first three lines.

There ain’t no reason things are this way. Its how they always been and they intend to stay. I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday.

Sometimes I can't find any reason for death. It just doesn't make sense to me. I mean, I know it's a result of the fall, but...other than that, what reason is there for a person to die?

Especially a person so young. I just don't understand. It's not fair! I don't understand why she isn't here anymore.

And I hate it because I want so badly to go home and fix all of this. I want to fix my aunt and cousin's brother...I want fix their hearts so they don't hurt anymore.

But I can't even do that for myself!

And there isn't any reason I can find for her passing. I don't get it!

"God, what purpose has her death served?!? Or what purpose is it going to serve, if any?!?"