God's Love and Barlow Girl

Barlow Girl came to Taylor last night to put on a concert for the Youth Conference that was going on this weekend. It was so great to hear them in concert! But, instead of rocking out, they did more of a worship set, which was just what I needed.

During the concert, Alyssa Barlow (keyboard, vocals) said that there were some of us there who had things hidden that keep us from God. She said that God is not afraid of your past, nor your present, and that he is excited about your future. She said that God made some of us from greatness and it has the devil scared. She said that God never intended the junk in our lives. He made us to be men and women of joy and of greatness. The enemy looked into our lives in the beginning of time and saw what God had for us and got scared. He saw the things we were going to do for God and wrought bad things in our lives: depression, anorexia, cutting...to keep us from that. She had us put our hands out, palms up, and imagine filling them with the things that keep us back. Then, we were to offer them to God and ask Him what He wanted to give us in return. When I asked Him, three things came to me: Joy, Healing, and Wholeness. I kept getting a sense of His love for me that night. There was just a very sweet spirit/presence in the chapel during the concert.

A little later in the concert, they sang How He Loves and tears flowed down my cheeks. I've really been wrestling with God's love, especially as it relates to Him being a Father. There is the line, "and I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me". I've always had trouble with this line, but last night it was like a realization that His affections are good toward me. If I can sidetrack, and hopefully not lose you in the process, before the concert started, I ran into a friend of mine who is married and has little girls. We stopped to talk and after he had addressed my friend, he looked to me and at the same time asked how I was doing, took his hand and almost did that little bop on my nose with his index finger. When he did that, I realized that that is something dad's do when they have good affections for their little girls and when they are taking delight in them. I think one thing I realized about God in that moment is that that is how He sees me. He takes delight in me and He wants to know how I'm doing...He cares about and for me. I feel like I can't put my thoughts down into words, so I can't really express how I felt in that moment, but it was just a sweet thing that opened my eyes to who God really is as a Father. Keep this in mind as you continue reading.

At the end of the concert, as other people were being prayed for, Alyssa said she felt that there were people with broken hearts who just needed hope. She said that some don't have great home lives and there are situations in our lives and things that just keep knocking us down again and again. She said that maybe some of us had rough weeks with things that just kept coming. She wanted to pray for those, so I went forward. We were to raise our hands and people around us were to pray over us. I was beside this girl I didn't know and she grabbed my hand and put her arm around me. I let her take me into a hug and just wept. She prayed for me, and then we talked for a bit. I found out a little of her situation, and prayed for her, as well. Then, we decided to go down and try to find Barlow Girl because I wanted to talk to them.

We headed downstairs and were soon told that they were in another room and we could go in and meet them. When we got to the room, there were other people there, so we waited and then got a picture with them. I still wanted to talk to them, so I wrote a note, just in case I wasn't able to. Before they left, we prayed over them and they prayed over us. When the praying was over, Alyssa was sharing that when she was on stage, she saw out of the corner of her eye a dark, cloaked figure in a dark corner of the room and it was pressing against us. She wanted to be afraid of it at first, but then decided to dare it to come and meet her Jesus. When she did that, the cloak fell off of it and revealed that it was just a pile of bricks, and nothing to be afraid of. It was nothing! I definitely felt that that was something for me to hang onto.

I was able to grab two of the girls and talk to them. I handed Alyssa my note and started telling them that their concert and words meant a lot because the past few months have been rough. I shared with them what has happened since October, and they were amazed. Alyssa said something about forgiveness, and I said that I just don't know how...that I feel stuck, but I know I need to. She considered what I said, and then wanted to pray for me. This was pretty amazing, because they actually needed to be going so they could catch their plane, but Alyssa wanted to do this. So, she and her sisters gathered around me and Alyssa had me hold out my hands with my palms up. She said to repeat after her, so I did. She said, "God, are you like my dad?" So I asked. I asked a few times, but didn't hear anything. But, my right hand started trembling, but I don't know if it means anything. It does that sometimes when I am worshiping.

So, I repeated that question a few times, and then Alyssa asked if I could try something. She asked if I could say, "I forgive my dad." I didn't think so at first, but then I did. She was talking about how I have been reaping what my dad sowed and that I need to cut off the emotional tie to him and release him to God to let God deal with Him and let God do for me what He needs to do. She said there is nothing my dad can do to repay what he's done, but God will repay him. She said to give back the things he did to me and to ask God what He wanted to give me in their place. I felt the same three things as earlier: Joy, Healing, and Wholeness. She had me repeat a few things like, "I forgive him for scaring me", "I forgive him for hurting me", "I forgive him for not protecting me", "I release him to you, Jesus", and a few more things. It wasn't a huge thing, but I definitely felt something lift off of me.

After we were done praying, she told me to keep asking God, "Are you like my dad?" She also said that when I am in a memory to ask God, "Where were you?" and "If you were there, why didn't you do something about it?" She said he's not afraid of my anger or my questions and that He will answer. Before she was done, she said that she just kept hearing, "Victory". God is going to give me victory! She also said that I am on the right track and that He loves my strength and my heart and that I want to get out of this. One more thing that she said that I am so grateful for was when she was promising that I wouldn't always have memories...that God will free me from them, she said that I won't always deal with this. She said both of her parents experienced sexual abuse and neither of them deal with it anymore, and haven't for a very long time. It gave me hope, because people always say that I will always deal with this stuff. Well, I throw off that lie and claim the truth that one day, I will be completely free and will be able to give the same hope to others! She said that He's not going to take me through all the memories, but through the most intense ones so that I can get to the root of things and can see that He was there.

One more thing...during the concert, Lauren (percussion, vocals) said that it seems like we haven't been set free of our chains, and that things still bind us...we think we've been set free, and then we deal with it over and over again. But, the truth is that we have been set free. It's just that the chains are lying loose at our feet waiting for us to step out of them. It just seems that they are binding, but they aren't. I love that picture!

Wow! Is God good or what? He has definitely been showing His love and favor on me these last few days. I know He really isn't like my dad, and He has been showing me this for the last few days now. I just want to hear Him say it. So, I will keep asking until He answers. Or, maybe for me, hearing Him say it is seeing it. I am a visual learner, after all.

I wish I could put into words all that I felt last night. I just felt this sweet presence that I didn't want to leave. God is still, I think, showing me who He is as Father. Today at church, an older gentleman, but too young to be my grandpa, came behind me and kind of gently tousled my hair, like you would do to a young child with whom you are showing delight and favor in. It was just again another thing that made me think, "Oh...this is what good touch is and this is what God does to me, though I can't feel it." I think I'm having my eyes opened to the truth that He delights in me. That was even something that was spoken in tongues and interpretation this morning. God delights in me, His daughter.

Another thing He showed me earlier this week, on Thursday, is that I am wholly His. I am His child, no more and no less. I will never be anything besides His child because He will not use me like my dad used me. He is a good Father, and that is something He is trying to show me. I think I'm beginning to catch on. It's such a healing thing.