Jehovah Rapha, Jehovah Shammah, El Roi...

Oh, Great God, be small enough to hear me now.
There were times when I was crying from the dark of Daniel's den;
And I have asked you once or twice if You would part the sea again.
But tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky.
Just want to know you're gonna hold me if I start to cry.
Oh great God, be small enough to hear me now.

Oh great God, be close enough to feel You now.
There have been moments when I could not face Goliath on my own.
And how could I forget we've march around our share of Jerichos.
But I will not be setting out a fleece for You tonight.
Just want to know that everything will be alright.
Oh, great God, be close enough to feel You now.

All praise and all the honor be;
To the God of ancient mysteries.
Whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history.
But tonight my heart is heavy,
And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer.
Are You there?

And I know You could leave writing on the wall that's just for me.
Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping, like in Solomon's sweet dreams.
But I don't need the strength of Samson or a chariot in the end...
Just Want to know that You still know how many hairs are on my head.
Oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now.
-Small Enough, Nichole Nordeman

I've had this song on repeat for the past day or so. I just bought it on Wednesday night and have already listened to it 50 times. It fits where I am with God right now. All I need is for Him to hold me because I hurt so deeply inside.

But, He is Jehovah Rapha, the God who heals.
And He is Jehovah Shammah, the Lord is there.
And He is El Roi, the God who sees.

I want to say more, but don't know what to say. So, I'm going to leave it at this. I think the song lyrics and His names say all that I want to say.

God's Love and Barlow Girl

Barlow Girl came to Taylor last night to put on a concert for the Youth Conference that was going on this weekend. It was so great to hear them in concert! But, instead of rocking out, they did more of a worship set, which was just what I needed.

During the concert, Alyssa Barlow (keyboard, vocals) said that there were some of us there who had things hidden that keep us from God. She said that God is not afraid of your past, nor your present, and that he is excited about your future. She said that God made some of us from greatness and it has the devil scared. She said that God never intended the junk in our lives. He made us to be men and women of joy and of greatness. The enemy looked into our lives in the beginning of time and saw what God had for us and got scared. He saw the things we were going to do for God and wrought bad things in our lives: depression, anorexia, cutting...to keep us from that. She had us put our hands out, palms up, and imagine filling them with the things that keep us back. Then, we were to offer them to God and ask Him what He wanted to give us in return. When I asked Him, three things came to me: Joy, Healing, and Wholeness. I kept getting a sense of His love for me that night. There was just a very sweet spirit/presence in the chapel during the concert.

A little later in the concert, they sang How He Loves and tears flowed down my cheeks. I've really been wrestling with God's love, especially as it relates to Him being a Father. There is the line, "and I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me". I've always had trouble with this line, but last night it was like a realization that His affections are good toward me. If I can sidetrack, and hopefully not lose you in the process, before the concert started, I ran into a friend of mine who is married and has little girls. We stopped to talk and after he had addressed my friend, he looked to me and at the same time asked how I was doing, took his hand and almost did that little bop on my nose with his index finger. When he did that, I realized that that is something dad's do when they have good affections for their little girls and when they are taking delight in them. I think one thing I realized about God in that moment is that that is how He sees me. He takes delight in me and He wants to know how I'm doing...He cares about and for me. I feel like I can't put my thoughts down into words, so I can't really express how I felt in that moment, but it was just a sweet thing that opened my eyes to who God really is as a Father. Keep this in mind as you continue reading.

At the end of the concert, as other people were being prayed for, Alyssa said she felt that there were people with broken hearts who just needed hope. She said that some don't have great home lives and there are situations in our lives and things that just keep knocking us down again and again. She said that maybe some of us had rough weeks with things that just kept coming. She wanted to pray for those, so I went forward. We were to raise our hands and people around us were to pray over us. I was beside this girl I didn't know and she grabbed my hand and put her arm around me. I let her take me into a hug and just wept. She prayed for me, and then we talked for a bit. I found out a little of her situation, and prayed for her, as well. Then, we decided to go down and try to find Barlow Girl because I wanted to talk to them.

We headed downstairs and were soon told that they were in another room and we could go in and meet them. When we got to the room, there were other people there, so we waited and then got a picture with them. I still wanted to talk to them, so I wrote a note, just in case I wasn't able to. Before they left, we prayed over them and they prayed over us. When the praying was over, Alyssa was sharing that when she was on stage, she saw out of the corner of her eye a dark, cloaked figure in a dark corner of the room and it was pressing against us. She wanted to be afraid of it at first, but then decided to dare it to come and meet her Jesus. When she did that, the cloak fell off of it and revealed that it was just a pile of bricks, and nothing to be afraid of. It was nothing! I definitely felt that that was something for me to hang onto.

I was able to grab two of the girls and talk to them. I handed Alyssa my note and started telling them that their concert and words meant a lot because the past few months have been rough. I shared with them what has happened since October, and they were amazed. Alyssa said something about forgiveness, and I said that I just don't know how...that I feel stuck, but I know I need to. She considered what I said, and then wanted to pray for me. This was pretty amazing, because they actually needed to be going so they could catch their plane, but Alyssa wanted to do this. So, she and her sisters gathered around me and Alyssa had me hold out my hands with my palms up. She said to repeat after her, so I did. She said, "God, are you like my dad?" So I asked. I asked a few times, but didn't hear anything. But, my right hand started trembling, but I don't know if it means anything. It does that sometimes when I am worshiping.

So, I repeated that question a few times, and then Alyssa asked if I could try something. She asked if I could say, "I forgive my dad." I didn't think so at first, but then I did. She was talking about how I have been reaping what my dad sowed and that I need to cut off the emotional tie to him and release him to God to let God deal with Him and let God do for me what He needs to do. She said there is nothing my dad can do to repay what he's done, but God will repay him. She said to give back the things he did to me and to ask God what He wanted to give me in their place. I felt the same three things as earlier: Joy, Healing, and Wholeness. She had me repeat a few things like, "I forgive him for scaring me", "I forgive him for hurting me", "I forgive him for not protecting me", "I release him to you, Jesus", and a few more things. It wasn't a huge thing, but I definitely felt something lift off of me.

After we were done praying, she told me to keep asking God, "Are you like my dad?" She also said that when I am in a memory to ask God, "Where were you?" and "If you were there, why didn't you do something about it?" She said he's not afraid of my anger or my questions and that He will answer. Before she was done, she said that she just kept hearing, "Victory". God is going to give me victory! She also said that I am on the right track and that He loves my strength and my heart and that I want to get out of this. One more thing that she said that I am so grateful for was when she was promising that I wouldn't always have memories...that God will free me from them, she said that I won't always deal with this. She said both of her parents experienced sexual abuse and neither of them deal with it anymore, and haven't for a very long time. It gave me hope, because people always say that I will always deal with this stuff. Well, I throw off that lie and claim the truth that one day, I will be completely free and will be able to give the same hope to others! She said that He's not going to take me through all the memories, but through the most intense ones so that I can get to the root of things and can see that He was there.

One more thing...during the concert, Lauren (percussion, vocals) said that it seems like we haven't been set free of our chains, and that things still bind us...we think we've been set free, and then we deal with it over and over again. But, the truth is that we have been set free. It's just that the chains are lying loose at our feet waiting for us to step out of them. It just seems that they are binding, but they aren't. I love that picture!

Wow! Is God good or what? He has definitely been showing His love and favor on me these last few days. I know He really isn't like my dad, and He has been showing me this for the last few days now. I just want to hear Him say it. So, I will keep asking until He answers. Or, maybe for me, hearing Him say it is seeing it. I am a visual learner, after all.

I wish I could put into words all that I felt last night. I just felt this sweet presence that I didn't want to leave. God is still, I think, showing me who He is as Father. Today at church, an older gentleman, but too young to be my grandpa, came behind me and kind of gently tousled my hair, like you would do to a young child with whom you are showing delight and favor in. It was just again another thing that made me think, "Oh...this is what good touch is and this is what God does to me, though I can't feel it." I think I'm having my eyes opened to the truth that He delights in me. That was even something that was spoken in tongues and interpretation this morning. God delights in me, His daughter.

Another thing He showed me earlier this week, on Thursday, is that I am wholly His. I am His child, no more and no less. I will never be anything besides His child because He will not use me like my dad used me. He is a good Father, and that is something He is trying to show me. I think I'm beginning to catch on. It's such a healing thing.

His Promise

This last week and a half have been pretty painful. I've had many memories and emotions that have been pretty hard to deal with. I had a counseling session today that only revealed more of the pain that I feel and more of the brokenness that fills my heart and life. I don't want to go into it, but I will say that it was pretty painful.

After dinner tonight, I just needed some time to sit and maybe cry. I went to sit on the rocks by the prayer chapel on my college campus and watched the sun go down. I was scraping a twig on a rock when I happened to look up at the sky. What I saw made tears flow down my cheeks.

The end of a rainbow had emerged from some clouds.

I couldn't see any more of the rainbow than the end of it, even though it didn't seem that cloudy out. It was right in front of me coming out of a ring of clouds. It reminded me of God's promises that He will make all things new and that joy comes in the morning. But, I think one promise that outweighed the others is that He will redeem me. He will make good come from all of this bad and painful stuff.

But it also reminded me that He is here with me in my pain.

Jealous and Never Changing Father

I realized today that God is always our Father, our Papa, no matter what we do or don't do. If we stray from Him and come back to Him, He is still our Papa. We don't have to strive to rebuild that relationship. It's like we can pick up right where we left off. At least I feel that way.

When we are angry at our parents, we don't stop calling them 'mom' and 'dad'. We might not talk to them for a period of time, but when we decide to come back to them, they are still 'mom' and 'dad'. We don't have to call them by their given names, but for what they are to us.

I was thinking about this in relation to God. I was on the mountain, enjoying Him as Papa and calling Him by that name, but somehow landed in the valley. When I was in the valley, it was a very dark time. I was angry at God and refused to talk to Him. He still spoke to me at times and He still pursued me, even when I was not receptive and I ran.

I was reading in Jeremiah 4 and in verse 1 it says, "If you return, O Israel, declares the Lord, to me you should return." I love this, because basically it is saying that if Israel is going to return anywhere, it should be to Him. It reveals His jealous nature and His love for Israel. I can hear Him pleading for them to come back to Him...that they should just return to Him...and I can feel His love for them. This only makes me realize His love for me and how eager He is to have me back, safe with Him.

He is a jealous God, but He is never changing. Although I have been far from Him for some time, I can still come back to Him at any time and pick up where I left off. I can call Him 'Papa', for that is who He truly is to me. I don't have to build our relationship from the beginning again, just like I don't have to start all over from day one with my mom when I get into an argument with her and don't speak to her for a few days. I can come back to her and still talk to her and call her 'mom'.

I'm not sure I'm getting across what I'm feeling and thinking clearly. It's difficult to put into words. But, I just wanted to share this, because I felt it was very important. It was important to me, anyway, because I realized that I could still call Him 'Papa.'

Carried

(VERSE 1)
If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours

(PRE-CHORUS)
I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

(VERSE 2)
When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter my from the storm

(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

(PRE-CHORUS)
I am not my own
I've been carried by you all my life

(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

(CHORUS 2)
You've become my hearts desires
I will sing Your praises higher
Your love sets me free
(Your love sets me free)
Your love sets me free
(You love sets me free)
Your love sets me free

I've been listening to this song a lot lately. I love the lyrics because they give me hope. I love the line that says, "I am not my own/ I've been carried by you all my life"

I don't always know that He is carrying me, because a lot of times I feel like I am walking by myself. In Psalm 68:19 says, "Praise the Lord; praise God our savior! For each day He carries us in His arms." We've often seen, heard, or read the Footprints poem and probably have it almost memorized by now. But, do we take it to heart?

I know I haven't in the past. It's been a nice thought, but that's all it's been.

I had the opportunity to visit a friend this weekend for a few hours whom I hadn't seen since December. We spent time at the park, playing on the playground like kids and sitting by the river. We talked about random things, but also shared our pain. We are both going through a similar healing process that involves a lot of pain. It was good to be able to talk to her because she understands my pain, and I can understand hers. It was good to be able to comfort her and receive comfort back.

At the end of our visit when we were saying goodbye, she pulled the ring she was wearing from off her finger and held it out to me. I didn't know what to say, but I took it and put it on my finger. I don't understand her gesture, but I'm sure one day, I will.

The ring says, "...it was then that I carried you..." and has footprints where there are no words. It's a big ring, so that when I am wearing it, I can't help but feel its presence on my finger. I am constantly reminded that it is there.

And it is a constant reminder that He does indeed carry me. He has always carried me in the darkest times of my life when I could not walk. I know that He is carrying me right now, despite the fact that I can't feel it. Life is pretty difficult right now. If you've read my previous posts, you'd know that a lot of things have been going on that no one should have to deal with. But, He is carrying me through. It is the only way I'm going to get through all of this.

"But, Lord, you said that you would be there to walk with me. Why weren't you? Where were you when this was happening? Where were you when I was enveloped by this darkness and I was depressed and suicidal and was cutting myself? Where were you when my world fell apart? Where were you when I was having memories and flashbacks and the pain was so intense that I didn't know when it would subside? I only see one set of footprints during those times. And you said you would be there. So where were you?!?"

"My child, my beautiful daughter, it was in those times that I was carrying you. You only see one set of footprints because they are Mine. I was carrying you in my arms like a shepherd carries His wounded sheep. I love you and I was right there the whole time. You were in my arms the entire time. I never left you. I will never leave you. I promise."