Refiner's Fire

God has been in the process of refining me lately. The definition of 'refine' according to dictionary.com is "to bring to a fine or pure state; free from impurities; to purify from what is coarse, vulgar, or debasing; make elegant or cultured; to reduce to a pure state; purify; to remove by purifying; to become free of impurities". I could go on and on about this definition, but it is pretty clear. This definition gets me excited about this refining process. All the impurities are going to be gone and I will be pure. But, one thing.

It takes fire.

When you refine metals, you use fire. The metal has to get hot enough in order to remove things.

Isaiah 48:10 "I have refined you, but not as silver is refined. Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering."

Ouch, God. This fire hurts. It's hot, but how else is He going to get out the impurities?

Through this refining process, God has been teaching me a lot. When I realized I was going to have to talk about and deal with some things that were very difficult, I didn't know how I could do that and not hate myself. I felt like the stuff inside was so...well...impure, that I couldn't face it without feeling shame and self-hatred. One day when I was at work, I was in my own world with music blasting in my ear buds, talking to God. He impressed this upon me:

"Mindy, I know the stuff inside you. I know what is there. I know you, I see you, and I love you. You don't have to hate yourself."

I was blown away. 'What? I don't have to hate myself?' Wow. This was only confirmed a week later in chapel when the speaker said this:

"When we are before Christ, we can look at ourselves honestly because He sees us, He knows us, and He loves us."

Wow! Wow, God! I know that He wants to refine me and it's okay. It's okay to acknowledge these things inside because He loves me. He sees them and knows they are there, but loves me anyway! Wow!

The other thing He has been teaching me is this:

"Mindy, when you are weak, I am strong."

These two things I have had to remind myself of daily. They give me great comfort and hope, as well as strength. He is my strength when I am weak. This refining process is going to make me weak. The fire is hot and it takes a lot out the thing being refined. But, no matter how weak I get, He is my strength and will help me make it through.

Already I have recognized that my flesh and my spirit are warring with one another. My flesh wants out of this fire because it hurts and is hard. On the other hand, my spirit knows it has to remain even when the fire gets hotter. I know that even though it is hard, I am excited to see the end result. He is making me into a thing of beauty, pure, and elegant. He is making me into the vessel He wants to use for His glory. I am excited to see how He is going to use me, and how it is going to be a testimony to others that refining, redemption, and restoration is possible. After all,

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans not to harm you, but to give you a hope and a future."

and

Isaiah 55:8-9 "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the Lord. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

He knows what's best for me.

Lord, help me to remain in this fire. Even when the heat gets to be unbearable, help me stay there. I know you have good things for me and I know this is what you want to do in my life. Thank you for your refinery. Thank you that you love me too much to leave me the way you found me. Thank you for how you are going to use me. I am your vessel, to be used for your glory. Here I am. I am yours. Amen.

Something about Sundays and Seven

Sunday, February 7th, 2010, things changed.

I wasn't supposed to be here, in more than one way. From November to that day in February, I had struggled with self injury, suicidal thoughts, hating myself, demons, and darkness. I felt far away from God, like I was in the enemy's hand, and that there was no hope for me. I would stand in church and want to run out, screaming that there was no God. I was angry and hurting, broken and on the way to destruction. I wasn't supposed to be there.

Not only was I not supposed to be there that day because of all that stuff, but because I was supposed to be on a wing retreat with the women of 3rd Center English Hall. What prevented us from going was a snow storm. We remained on campus, thus able to attend church on Sunday.

I wasn't expecting church to be any different that day, or for anything extraordinary to happen. I was simply doing the 'Christian duty' at that point, because it was expected of me. But, when is God ever ordinary?

After worship, another time of me standing with my hands in my pockets, observing everyone else worshiping, bound in my chains, the pastor began his sermon. He spoke of the night before, and how the Spirit would not leave him alone. The sermon he had prepared he was not to preach. He had to change his message entirely. He believed that God had a message for someone, but he wasn't sure who. My ears perked at this.

He began by saying that when we ask 'Why? Why me? Why did this happen to me?', and those kinds of questions, it gives the enemy opportunity to come in and flood us with his lies. Boy, he was right on.

The next thing he said that was crucial to me at this point, which was his entire message, was that we are not alone. He said that we may be in the most difficult battle of our lives, but we are not without help. This was definitely something that I needed to hear because I had been feeling that I was alone. This was good news.

Another thing he said that morning that was crucial was that the enemy might say, "I've got you", but he never has us because God has us in His hand. Just that week, I had been feeling like the enemy had me in his grasp and I did not know how to get free. As I said earlier, I felt so far away from God and felt like there was no hope for me.

The pastor also told me in that sermon that God is stronger than anything in my life: stronger than the circumstances, struggles, sin...and that He is not intimidated by any of it.

And that He loves me right where I am today.

If God could love me right where I was at that point in time, maybe there was hope for me, after all.

There was an altar call to which I did not hesitate to answer. The walk to the altar from my seat was a teary-eyed one, and once there, the tears proceeded to fall from my eyes. I wept and wept. I was prayed over and demons were cast out in the name of Jesus and the enemy told to leave.

And something happened.

I felt the change as I left the altar that morning, and continued to feel it through the week. From that point, I began to actually talk to God. I had never talked to Him before, because I felt stupid. But, I began to talk to Him. I began to be honest with Him, pouring out my heart before my Father. And it was good.

He began to work. He began to talk to me, or rather I began to hear Him. He spoke things to me that were confirmed later through people who had no idea about what He had spoken to me.

Not only did we begin to converse back and forth, but He began refining me. He has been breaking me, only to make me into a masterpiece, purified from the furnace of suffering. He is going to use me in great ways for His glory. He is going to show the world His glory through me.

He is setting me free.

That Sunday, the entire sermon was important for me to hear. It was what I needed. I'm convinced it was specifically for me, the snowstorm was specifically so that we would have to stay on campus, and He wanted to change me that morning. And He did. He began it and will continue it.

Which leads me to today. Today is Sunday, March 7th, 2010. Exactly one month later.

I can hardly believe that so much has taken place in one month. God is soo good. My God is soo good.

There is something about Sundays. They are the Lord's day. Every day is His day, but Sunday is special. Sunday is the day where we get to praise Him for what He is doing.

And there is something about the number seven. It is the Lord's number. The number 7 represents purification.

Yeah, that's right: purification.

He is refining me, and the definition of 'refine' means 'to purify from what is coarse, vulgar, or debasing....to purify'. He is purifying me.

February 7th began a change.
March 7th marks one month of freedom and victory.

Both happen on a Sunday. Both happen on the 7th.

Is God good, or what?

Not just good: He's intoxicating. Overwhelming. Wonderful.

He's my Freedom. My Purification. My Victory.

To Him be the glory forever. And may my praise to Him be uninhibited and loud.

Thank you, Dad, for what you are doing and have done in my life, in me.

Pumpkin Carving

As I was talking with a friend last night, I was relating to her how God had just shown me a bunch of things that I had never known before. They are things about myself that need to come out so that He can make me into the vessel he wants me to be. She reminded me that it's like pumpkin carving.

Yes. Pumpkin carving. How is this process similar?

Well, you have to first pull out the insides of the pumpkin. You cut it open, revealing all the seeds and 'guts'. Then, the tedious process begins. And it's not just tedious work, but hard. You have to get all the 'junk' out before you can begin the creative part of making the pumpkin be whatever you want it to be.

God has to get all the junk out of us before He can 'carve' us into what He wants us to be. It is a beautiful, yet hard process. But, in the end you are left with a masterpiece.