Everything Heals in Time

I went for a run today.

"Big deal" is what you're probably thinking. But, it kinda is a big deal.

I sprained my ankle in November. If you would have asked me in January or February if I thought I'd run again, I would have said 'No',  because I didn't think I would have. I thought I did too much damage to ever run again, let alone heal. In January I was still having so many problems and pains with it that I visited my doctor and I remember sitting on the exam table, trying to hold back tears because I thought I'd never be able to run again, and I was so frustrated.

And here I am, running again.

I was thinking about this on my run today. And then I related it to the pain I'm currently going through. Sometimes it feels as though it will never end. It feels as if I'll never function the way I was meant to in some areas of life...like I'll never be able to 'run' the way I was meant to because I'm crippled from this father wound.

But, I will be able to...because everything heals in time. Just like my ankle, this stuff just needs time.

When I was sitting in the doctor's office that day, we talked about different causes for my pain. She checked and discovered that I am flat-footed. So, I need arch support in my shoes. Once I got the right 'treatment' for my pain, the pain got better and so did my ankle.

Like with my ankle, I need to make sure that I'm getting the right 'treatment' for this father wound. And I believe I am, though it's difficult. But, if I'm treating it right, it will heal...in time.

So, this gives me hope. It gives me hope in the midst of darkness and extreme pain that healing can and will happen. It just needs time.

Girl on Purpose

The other night, a friend and I were discussing the sexuality of a snail. I know....how weird is that? We were talking about it because I recently rescued a snail from the nursery I work at and have been reading a book about them that a coworker loaned me. I have learned that snails are hermaphrodites, being both male and female.

After I mentioned this fact, my friend made a comment about how she wishes people could be like that, indicating that it'd be nice if people could be both male and female, choosing when to be which gender when they pleased, as snails do. I laughed at her comment and intended to move on.

But God dropped something in my spirit.

So often, I wish to be male, rather than female. It'd be so much easier sometimes, or so I believe. But, if God wanted me to be male, He would have made me that way. Rather, He made me female. He quietly spoke into my heart that there is something He purposed for me to do as a female that I would not be able to do as a male.

God made me a girl on purpose. It is no mistake or mishap that I am a female, rather than a male. This new revealed truth causes me to celebrate my intended gender, rather than despise it.

My mom had hoped I'd be a boy. God purposed me to be a girl. And I look forward to finding out in Heaven what He purposed my femaleness for that a boy simply wouldn't do for.

From a Moth

This isn't the best photo I could have taken, but I had dogs barking at me and I had to pee.

Anyway, why was I taking a picture of a moth? Honestly, I'm not sure I knew...but I'm glad I did.

I was sitting on a tree stump, waiting for the dogs I let out twice a week to finish their business, when I heard something behind me. I finally turned, only to see this moth fluttering wildly on the ground. I watched it for a moment, then, feeling compassion for it, went to see if I could help it in its struggle.

I put my finger on the ground in front of it and tried to get it to crawl onto it. Instead, it continued to flutter wildly and moved away from the tip of my finger. I followed it with my finger, trying again, but the same thing happened.

So, I ever so gently touched its wing.

And the fluttering stopped.

I watched it for a few minutes, but it remained calm on the ground. So, because of the barking dogs, I snapped this picture and walked away.

Maybe 15 or so minutes later, I was in my car when this came to me:

Just like that moth, I flutter wildly on the ground sometimes. Jesus tries to help by picking me up, but I refuse. I turn away, not willing to get into His hand. After He tries again, with me still refusing, He ever so gently touches me, and my fluttering stops. And I am calm and at peace.

He won't pick me up if I refuse. And in my fluttering, a touch is hard to refuse, because I'm so busy fluttering wildly about that I'm not paying attention to the finger coming near my fluttering self. And thankfully, His touch brings peace to my storm, a calm to my chaos, a rest from my fluttering.

Jesus showed me all this from a moth. Oh, how He loves me!

Picking Wildflowers

I found a wildflower the other day on the ditch trail. I did what I probably wasn't supposed to: I picked it. I took it home and planted it in a pot with some soil. Then, I waited.

I had hoped that it would thrive, but....the next morning it was already wilting. It was bent over, droopy. So, I plucked it from the soil and put it in a cup of water, hoping that maybe it would sprout roots and I could plant it. But, nope.

I killed it.

I don't know much about wildflowers, if anything, except that they are beautiful. I now know not to pick them. They need certain things to be able to grow and thrive, and if you pick it, it won't have those things anymore.

And it will die.

As I was thinking about this today, I felt the Holy Spirit speaking.

We go along in life, having all we need to thrive and grow. But then, we decide we know what's best, or we decide we want something different. So we leave. We pluck ourselves out of the soil that has everything we need, so to speak, and we go plant ourselves somewhere else: somewhere less than what we had before.

And we die.

When I took the wildflower out of the right stuff it needed and put it in the wrong stuff, it died. When we are in Christ and in His Word and in all the things we need to be able to grow and thrive as Christ Followers, we live. We are beautiful. But, when we pick ourselves out of that, we wilt and die.

So, don't pick the wildflowers.

Asking For and Receiving Help

I like to be independent. Don't we all?

But then something happens, like spraining my ankle, and I need help. I become dependent. And it's hard. To go from doing everything myself to needing everything done for me is quite a humbling and difficult thing to experience. 

I hate it. It's difficult. No one offers help: I have to ask for it. And I feel bad for needing so much help. It'd be easier if someone was offering. 

There is a stigma with asking for help. We like to be independent and asking for help looks weak. And anyway, who'd want to help us? 

I'm in the midst of a difficult day. My body is sore from the crutches and the physical exertion it is taking, and I'm just frustrated. I'm frustrated that I can't do things on my own and frustrated again that this injury happened because of the inconvenience it's caused. 

So, in the midst of my emotions and tears, I sought refuge in Scripture. Thinking about all this dependence led me to think of a verse in Isaiah. When I read it, I found more than I anticipated. Here are the verses I found: 

"This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. You said, 'No, we will flee on horses.' Therefore you will flee! You said, 'We will ride off on swift horses.' Therefore your pursuers will be swift! A thousand will flee at the threat of one; at the threat of five you will all flee away, till you are left like a flagstaff on a mountaintop, like a banner on a hill." Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! People of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you." -Isaiah 30:15-19

If you have't made the connection, let me point it out to you.

The people basically wanted to do it all themselves...they didn't want the Lord's help. And they were frustrated as a result, because their enemies pursued them. All the while, God is waiting to be gracious to them, to help them. He will be incredibly gracious when they cry out to Him for help. As soon as He hears, He will answer them.

I want to do it all by myself. I don't want the Lord's help. And I get frustrated. I'm just like the people. And all the while, God is waiting to be so incredibly gracious to me. The part that gets me is, "How gracious he will be when you cry for help!" How gracious....

It's not only difficult for me to ask those around me for help with physical things, but it's also difficult to ask God for things. But, how gracious He will be when I do cry out for help. And, as soon as He hears, He will answer me. He won't delay. He won't say, "I'll be there in a minute after I..." He answers immediately.

I'm still caught up in the gracious part. How gracious He will be when you cry for help! Wow. He wants to help. But He doesn't force it upon me. He waits for me to cry to Him. But when I do, I can be sure I won't be inconveniencing Him. Actually, it's the reverse. I'm inconveniencing Him when I don't ask for help or when I don't receive what He wants to give to me/do for me. Ha! Isn't that a thought?!?

He is waiting, ready and willing, to help me when I cry out. How gracious He will be....

Because of Your love....

I was reading my Bible last night when I came across Isaiah 43:25, which says,

"I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more."

I had to read that a few times to get what it was saying, because I couldn't believe what I had just read. He blots out my sins for His sake.

Did you get that? It's for His sake that He blots out my transgressions. And I thought it was about me....

I'm blown away at this and find myself speechless. Because, why? Wouldn't it be for my sake that He blots out my transgressions? Why is it for His?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized it's because if He didn't blot out my transgressions, He'd have to condemn me to Hell. He couldn't love me. He couldn't redeem or rescue me if He didn't blot them out.

It's all because of His love.

Never Alone

If you read my previous post, "Ponderings", you noticed God showed me something that I'm sure He's been wanting to get through to me for a while now. That thing is that He did not cause or allow my dad to abuse me, just like He didn't cause or allow me to get injured during my run on Monday. The laws of humanity and gravity and nature just took over. But, He was there. I know He was. While I was laying on the ground, crying and screaming in pain and anger, I noticed the sun was shining down on me through the gap in the trees. He was with me. I was not alone.

Thinking about that led me to want to see how He was with me when my dad was abusing me all those times. I've never wanted to know before. It has always enraged me that He might have been there but didn't do anything. It made me hate Him to know that He saw it happening and didn't make it stop. And for that reason, I didn't want to see how He was there.

But, all of a sudden, I did. So, I asked Him. What I found is that He was there. Every time. Every single time my dad hurt me, He was there. He was angry for me and had anger in His eyes, though not at me. He cried with me and it hurt Him, too. He was sad He couldn't take me away from that. But, He was there. I can see Him by the bedside as this little girl is being hurt so badly. And He is crying and is angry. He never left. It pained Him to see that happening. He couldn't watch. He looked into my eyes the whole time. And held my hand.

After He showed me this, He held His arms out to me, wanting to hold me. So I let Him. He lifted me up into His lap and I curled up there, leaning against His white robed chest. He is so big compared to how small I am, even though I'm 26. He wrapped His arms around me as I lay my head against His chest. His white robe hid me. He is safe and warm and cozy and nice. He is so big and gentle. I never want to leave. I hope I never do.

I was never alone.
I am never alone.