I have been seeing lately that I am becoming more and more like my mom with each passing day. It's strange to see these similarities, because I am my own person. I have been seeing resemblances to her in my voice, smile, and even some of my actions.
As I realized this, God spoke to me about my resemblance to Him. Am I becoming more and more like my Heavenly Father as each day passes? Do I act like He would? Do I talk like He would? Am I reflecting Him like I reflect my mom?
I have been adopted into the family of Christ, therefore, God is my Father. When others look at me, do they see the Family resemblance?
Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Insomnia
It's 6:00 AM and I'm still awake. I'm tired, but I can't seem to sleep. So, I thought I would write some of my thoughts to hopefully get them out of my head and maybe allow for some sleep to enter.
It's mostly about my dad. I have so many emotions. Fear. Excitement. Nervousness. Anxiousness. And then it all seems so surreal. I want someone to pinch me so I'll wake up and find it's all been a dream.
Or do I?
Sometimes, I think to myself, "Why'd you open the door?"
I mean, it felt right. Nothing seemed to stand in the way and shout, "STOP! DON'T! THIS IS THE WRONG WAY AND WRONG TIME!" Everything seemed to confirm that indeed this was the right time and to go ahead with contacting my dad.
So, why all of these doubts now? Maybe because it is so real now, and not just a dream. I have been dreaming of this for many, many years. And now that it's finally here, I don't know how to proceed. I mean, I guess when I sent that first letter, I wasn't expecting anything in return. I was hoping, but not counting on it. It was more for me to move on, letting the past remain where it belongs.
But now, this has become so much more than just putting the past to rest. It's developing into some sort of relationship. But, is it moving too fast? Am I ready?
The wave of bravery I felt when I called my dad for the first time in 18 years has subsided for now. In its place, I feel it has left ruin. Maybe it wasn't the right time to call him. Maybe I jumped ahead.
But, what's done is done. Now, I need another wave of bravery to let him know that I don't think I'm ready to meet him when I come home on August 17th. This has been the reason for my insomnia. One reason, at least.
I really want to meet him, but I'm just not sure this is the time. I'm not sure I'm ready.
Do you ever play that game with yourself where you play scenes in your head that haven't happened yet? You play them over and over again, differently each time, trying to figure out how something would go if you actually followed through with it. That's what I've been doing. And I just don't know if I'm ready to make that scene a reality.
He really wants to meet me, and seems to be very anxious about it. He may be ready, but am I? That is the question, and I'm afraid only I can answer it.
There are so many other things about my dad that are on my mind, but this is the major one right now. Oi.
Something else that is causing my insomnia is the fact that I'll be going home in T-4 days. I'm pretty nervous, anxious, fearful, and not excited about going home as things there are not great. My sister...oi. It's a very frustrating feeling to know that there is nothing that can be done for her. She's 19 and no one can do anything. She's a pretty angry person, and it hurts to see her so. I know the only thing I can do is pray, show her love and be Christ to her, but it's difficult when all there is is rejection. But, I guess that's how Jesus felt, huh?
My prayer for when I go home is that I will not revert back to any of my old ways. I also want to be able to show my family the love of Christ that is in me. "Papa, help me to do so. Grant me patience, peace, and rest, even in knowing that I can't do anything to change the situations. Thank you that you go before me and you walk beside me. Hold my hand, and carry me when I am weak. Let me continually be in your presence."
It's mostly about my dad. I have so many emotions. Fear. Excitement. Nervousness. Anxiousness. And then it all seems so surreal. I want someone to pinch me so I'll wake up and find it's all been a dream.
Or do I?
Sometimes, I think to myself, "Why'd you open the door?"
I mean, it felt right. Nothing seemed to stand in the way and shout, "STOP! DON'T! THIS IS THE WRONG WAY AND WRONG TIME!" Everything seemed to confirm that indeed this was the right time and to go ahead with contacting my dad.
So, why all of these doubts now? Maybe because it is so real now, and not just a dream. I have been dreaming of this for many, many years. And now that it's finally here, I don't know how to proceed. I mean, I guess when I sent that first letter, I wasn't expecting anything in return. I was hoping, but not counting on it. It was more for me to move on, letting the past remain where it belongs.
But now, this has become so much more than just putting the past to rest. It's developing into some sort of relationship. But, is it moving too fast? Am I ready?
The wave of bravery I felt when I called my dad for the first time in 18 years has subsided for now. In its place, I feel it has left ruin. Maybe it wasn't the right time to call him. Maybe I jumped ahead.
But, what's done is done. Now, I need another wave of bravery to let him know that I don't think I'm ready to meet him when I come home on August 17th. This has been the reason for my insomnia. One reason, at least.
I really want to meet him, but I'm just not sure this is the time. I'm not sure I'm ready.
Do you ever play that game with yourself where you play scenes in your head that haven't happened yet? You play them over and over again, differently each time, trying to figure out how something would go if you actually followed through with it. That's what I've been doing. And I just don't know if I'm ready to make that scene a reality.
He really wants to meet me, and seems to be very anxious about it. He may be ready, but am I? That is the question, and I'm afraid only I can answer it.
There are so many other things about my dad that are on my mind, but this is the major one right now. Oi.
Something else that is causing my insomnia is the fact that I'll be going home in T-4 days. I'm pretty nervous, anxious, fearful, and not excited about going home as things there are not great. My sister...oi. It's a very frustrating feeling to know that there is nothing that can be done for her. She's 19 and no one can do anything. She's a pretty angry person, and it hurts to see her so. I know the only thing I can do is pray, show her love and be Christ to her, but it's difficult when all there is is rejection. But, I guess that's how Jesus felt, huh?
My prayer for when I go home is that I will not revert back to any of my old ways. I also want to be able to show my family the love of Christ that is in me. "Papa, help me to do so. Grant me patience, peace, and rest, even in knowing that I can't do anything to change the situations. Thank you that you go before me and you walk beside me. Hold my hand, and carry me when I am weak. Let me continually be in your presence."
Sunday, August 8, 2010
"Um, hello? Uh, this is Awkward calling..."
So, I haven't written in a while. There has been some crazy stuff happening and it's all so surreal. If you remember, I wrote that I was going to send a letter to my dad after 18 years of no contact. Well, I did, and it went well. I have now sent two letters, only to receive two in return. When I went to write my third letter to him, I thought about calling him, but was seized with a lot of fear and doubt. Was maybe the next step a phone call? God had been talking to me a lot about flying. Was this what He meant? I don't know. The only thing I knew was I was afraid. And my doubts and fears were enough to almost stop me in my tracks.
I tried to get in touch with my counselor from this last year, and the night we were supposed to get together, an emergency came up and she had to cancel. I was still wrestling with what my next step should be. All the while I'm wrestling, I couldn't help but be reminded about flying and how God has taught me how to and the word that I received through my friend the night the baby robin landed on my bicycle handlebar. It was driving me nuts. Everywhere I went, everything that flew stood out plain as day to me. So, when I felt a wave of bravery, I took off.
I called him. Completely unsure of what to say, almost praying he wouldn't answer, I held my breathe.
"Hello?"
"Uh, dad...this is Mindy."
If anything has ever been so awkward, this was it. I shook the entire time I was on the phone. I had no idea what to say or how to feel. We talked about how I was doing and about my half-sister, Tasha, who is going into Kindergarten this year. They were out buying her school supplies.
I have to admit, hearing him talk about her is difficult, because he missed out on my growing up years. But, the past is in the past. This is a new day.
He said he was proud of me and he had to give my mom credit for how she raised me and my sister on her own. He talked about how he's losing his job at the end of the month and is going to look for another one, and about how he is sure God will provide.
There was so much in this conversation, that I can't even process it. It seems so surreal. I wasn't sure how to feel. He told me that he would give me a call that weekend to see how I was doing. I didn't bank on it, because I didn't want to get my hopes up.
And on Friday, he called.
I had put his number in my phone the first time I called him, since it went so well. When my phone rang Friday afternoon, I looked at the caller ID and it read, 'Dad'. I didn't know what to do, as I was taken off guard.
"Hello?"
It was awkward, again. I had no idea what to say and was kind of nervous. I mean, what do you say to your dad whom you haven't talked to in 18 years? "Hey, how ya doin? Where have you been the last 18 years?" It's so nerve-wracking. I have to be wise and careful in my words.
We talked again about Tasha and how the two of them go for bike rides and go fishing together...things I've always wanted to do with a dad. He talked about how she's so ready to go to Kindergarten, and how she wants to take her lunch and ride the bus to school. He said that he showed her a picture of when my sister and I were little, and it was Halloween. She pointed to me and said that it looked like her. We really do look alike. It's pretty cool, but also so strange.
He asked me what I want to do after college, and what I was doing this weekend. I told him, and he told me to have fun but be careful. Both times we've hung up, he has told me that he loves me. I said it back, and it sounds so weird to tell him that I love him.
All of this is so surreal. I'm still trying to process it. Is it really real? Is it a dream? Pinch me, just to make sure.
Ouch! Nope, I'm not dreaming.
I tried to get in touch with my counselor from this last year, and the night we were supposed to get together, an emergency came up and she had to cancel. I was still wrestling with what my next step should be. All the while I'm wrestling, I couldn't help but be reminded about flying and how God has taught me how to and the word that I received through my friend the night the baby robin landed on my bicycle handlebar. It was driving me nuts. Everywhere I went, everything that flew stood out plain as day to me. So, when I felt a wave of bravery, I took off.
I called him. Completely unsure of what to say, almost praying he wouldn't answer, I held my breathe.
"Hello?"
"Uh, dad...this is Mindy."
If anything has ever been so awkward, this was it. I shook the entire time I was on the phone. I had no idea what to say or how to feel. We talked about how I was doing and about my half-sister, Tasha, who is going into Kindergarten this year. They were out buying her school supplies.
I have to admit, hearing him talk about her is difficult, because he missed out on my growing up years. But, the past is in the past. This is a new day.
He said he was proud of me and he had to give my mom credit for how she raised me and my sister on her own. He talked about how he's losing his job at the end of the month and is going to look for another one, and about how he is sure God will provide.
There was so much in this conversation, that I can't even process it. It seems so surreal. I wasn't sure how to feel. He told me that he would give me a call that weekend to see how I was doing. I didn't bank on it, because I didn't want to get my hopes up.
And on Friday, he called.
I had put his number in my phone the first time I called him, since it went so well. When my phone rang Friday afternoon, I looked at the caller ID and it read, 'Dad'. I didn't know what to do, as I was taken off guard.
"Hello?"
It was awkward, again. I had no idea what to say and was kind of nervous. I mean, what do you say to your dad whom you haven't talked to in 18 years? "Hey, how ya doin? Where have you been the last 18 years?" It's so nerve-wracking. I have to be wise and careful in my words.
We talked again about Tasha and how the two of them go for bike rides and go fishing together...things I've always wanted to do with a dad. He talked about how she's so ready to go to Kindergarten, and how she wants to take her lunch and ride the bus to school. He said that he showed her a picture of when my sister and I were little, and it was Halloween. She pointed to me and said that it looked like her. We really do look alike. It's pretty cool, but also so strange.
He asked me what I want to do after college, and what I was doing this weekend. I told him, and he told me to have fun but be careful. Both times we've hung up, he has told me that he loves me. I said it back, and it sounds so weird to tell him that I love him.
All of this is so surreal. I'm still trying to process it. Is it really real? Is it a dream? Pinch me, just to make sure.
Ouch! Nope, I'm not dreaming.
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