"I will be with you."

If you've been following, you know that I'm leaving with my team in about 2 weeks for Ecuador for a 12 day mission trip. You might also know I'm a bit freaked out. 

I've been talking to God about it. A lot. There are multiple things I'm nervous and anxious about. I think the main thing is me. Why did God pick me? Out of all the people, why broken, not put together, PTSD me? Why? What could He possibly want me for?

As I was asking these questions last night, He sent me to the story of Moses. You might remember Moses as the one who led the people out of Egypt. But he also was the one who talked back to God about not being an eloquent speaker (Exodus 4:10) That was the part God brought to my mind.

However, I decided to read from the beginning, when Moses hears God speaking to him through the burning bush. In Exodus 3:10, God says, "So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt." But, in verse 11, Moses echoes my feelings when he says to God, "Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?"

Who am I that I should go?

Who am I? That's what I've been wrestling with. Who am I, Lord, that you would call me? What do you see in me, or what do you want to do through me, that you would call me to go? Who am I that I should go?

God answers him and me in the first part of verse 12: ‘And God said, "I will be with you."’

Really? 'I will be with you'? That's it? Nothing about how great Moses is or about what God saw in him or about who he was? Just, 'I will be with you'? 

Yeah. Really. 

Because Him being with Moses was enough. And Him being with me is enough. 

He is enough. 

I love that His answer to the question of, "Who am I that I should go?" is "I will be with you." Because in all reality, it's not about me. It's about Him. It's not about who I am. It's about who He is. And He will be with me. And that is enough. 

A lot of stuff has come up right before this trip and I'm disappointed. I wanted so badly to be okay. And I've been trying to be...and trying to be enough. But, I don't have to be enough, because He already is. And He's okay with me not being okay. 

So, I go with the confidence that He will be with me, no matter who I am or who I’m not, nor how ill-equipped I feel. He told Moses He would give him the words to speak and He would teach him (Exodus 4:12). Why would He do any less for me today? He has called me and He will equip me. He will be with me. And I’m pretty sure that’s a promise. 

Alive

On April 28, 2015, I went for a walk. But, it wasn't just any walk. 

I don't remember what the issue was that day. But, I was angry about something. If I remember right, I decided to do a workout. That wasn't enough, so I went for a walk. But, like I said, it wasn't just any walk. 

I set out, having no idea where I was going, nor how far I would go. I walked along the 108 highway. Cars zoomed by. I felt the breeze from their passing. And I wanted to throw myself in front of one. Each one was so tempting. It would be so easy....

I was texting my mentor along the way...she was trying to convince me to stay safe. But, I didn't want to. I remember being sore from so much exercise and walking, and I remember seeing steep embankments on my left. Thoughts poured through my mind of throwing myself down one. I remember sitting on the side of the road, exhausted, staring down a bank...thinking...craving death. 

I got up and kept on, however, on this mad walk. I came to a bridge that ran over a road. I wanted to jump. I kept walking. A little farther down the highway, I finally turned around. On my way back up the highway, I came across the bridge again. Jumping was so tempting. I'd meet a concrete death. It'd be quick. Easy. 

And yet, I was afraid. I was afraid to jump in front of a car. Afraid to throw myself down an embankment. Afraid to jump off the bridge. I wanted to die, but, did I really? 

I kept walking, after stopping to look over the bridge and see the suicide video in my head replay multiple times, as it had done for each of the ways I thought I'd like to kill myself that day. I even texted my mentor about them...saying that I could do this, or that, so that I'd die. I'm not sure I even had a plan. I just didn't want to live. I just wanted the pain I was in to end. 

I texted a friend, and she pressed me to talk to Jesus. I told her I hated Him and I absolutely did NOT want to talk to Him. Funny thing is that I ended up talking to Him anyway. 

Either before I texted my friend, or after, I came into this gravel pull-off area. I wandered around and my eye happened to catch something on the ground. It was a butterfly with wings up, but dead. I stooped to the ground and shot some pictures with my phone. The one below is my favorite from that day. 

Something about this butterfly captured me. Maybe it was something about it being dead, but still so beautiful, that grabbed me. Perhaps it was finding this beauty in my suicidal moment that made me realize how precious life is. Whatever it was, it was enough to capture my heart when nothing else would. It calmed me. Maybe it was the simple act of taking its picture, as I've found that photography is good therapy for me. But, no matter what it was, it captured me, though I'm not exactly sure why. 

I felt connected to the butterfly. Sad for it. It was so beautiful, yet dead. That's how I felt: dead. I felt I had no life in me. No joy. Maybe I felt so connected to this butterfly because it helped me access an emotion: sad. 

This morning in church, a song was played. It's called 'Clean' by Natalie Grant. The second verse caught my attention. 

What was dead now lives againMy heart's beating, beating inside my chestOh I'm coming alive with joy and destinyCause You're restoring me piece by piece

Tears came as these words were sung. I remembered how dead I used to be. I remembered how I had no joy and I didn't believe I had a future. I had no hope of restoration, either. And I felt I wanted to die.

But all that changed when I met the real Jesus, rather than the Jesus I had perceived in my head. I had claimed to be a Christian since I was 6. But I didn't really know Jesus. I didn't know Him personally. So, I got to know Him. I sought out His character in the Gospels. I asked Him to show me who He is apart from my distorted view of Him. And He did. I found Him. I got to know Him.

He has made this dead heart beat again. I now live again. And I'm coming more and more alive with joy and destiny the more I seek Him and let Him touch my heart. He really is restoring me piece by piece. It's amazing to watch Him bring me to life.

I'm no longer that beautiful, dead butterfly. I'm alive. And I'm fluttering my wings and flying where the wind of His Holy Spirit takes me.