Asking For and Receiving Help

I like to be independent. Don't we all?

But then something happens, like spraining my ankle, and I need help. I become dependent. And it's hard. To go from doing everything myself to needing everything done for me is quite a humbling and difficult thing to experience. 

I hate it. It's difficult. No one offers help: I have to ask for it. And I feel bad for needing so much help. It'd be easier if someone was offering. 

There is a stigma with asking for help. We like to be independent and asking for help looks weak. And anyway, who'd want to help us? 

I'm in the midst of a difficult day. My body is sore from the crutches and the physical exertion it is taking, and I'm just frustrated. I'm frustrated that I can't do things on my own and frustrated again that this injury happened because of the inconvenience it's caused. 

So, in the midst of my emotions and tears, I sought refuge in Scripture. Thinking about all this dependence led me to think of a verse in Isaiah. When I read it, I found more than I anticipated. Here are the verses I found: 

"This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. You said, 'No, we will flee on horses.' Therefore you will flee! You said, 'We will ride off on swift horses.' Therefore your pursuers will be swift! A thousand will flee at the threat of one; at the threat of five you will all flee away, till you are left like a flagstaff on a mountaintop, like a banner on a hill." Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! People of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you." -Isaiah 30:15-19

If you have't made the connection, let me point it out to you.

The people basically wanted to do it all themselves...they didn't want the Lord's help. And they were frustrated as a result, because their enemies pursued them. All the while, God is waiting to be gracious to them, to help them. He will be incredibly gracious when they cry out to Him for help. As soon as He hears, He will answer them.

I want to do it all by myself. I don't want the Lord's help. And I get frustrated. I'm just like the people. And all the while, God is waiting to be so incredibly gracious to me. The part that gets me is, "How gracious he will be when you cry for help!" How gracious....

It's not only difficult for me to ask those around me for help with physical things, but it's also difficult to ask God for things. But, how gracious He will be when I do cry out for help. And, as soon as He hears, He will answer me. He won't delay. He won't say, "I'll be there in a minute after I..." He answers immediately.

I'm still caught up in the gracious part. How gracious He will be when you cry for help! Wow. He wants to help. But He doesn't force it upon me. He waits for me to cry to Him. But when I do, I can be sure I won't be inconveniencing Him. Actually, it's the reverse. I'm inconveniencing Him when I don't ask for help or when I don't receive what He wants to give to me/do for me. Ha! Isn't that a thought?!?

He is waiting, ready and willing, to help me when I cry out. How gracious He will be....

Because of Your love....

I was reading my Bible last night when I came across Isaiah 43:25, which says,

"I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more."

I had to read that a few times to get what it was saying, because I couldn't believe what I had just read. He blots out my sins for His sake.

Did you get that? It's for His sake that He blots out my transgressions. And I thought it was about me....

I'm blown away at this and find myself speechless. Because, why? Wouldn't it be for my sake that He blots out my transgressions? Why is it for His?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized it's because if He didn't blot out my transgressions, He'd have to condemn me to Hell. He couldn't love me. He couldn't redeem or rescue me if He didn't blot them out.

It's all because of His love.

Never Alone

If you read my previous post, "Ponderings", you noticed God showed me something that I'm sure He's been wanting to get through to me for a while now. That thing is that He did not cause or allow my dad to abuse me, just like He didn't cause or allow me to get injured during my run on Monday. The laws of humanity and gravity and nature just took over. But, He was there. I know He was. While I was laying on the ground, crying and screaming in pain and anger, I noticed the sun was shining down on me through the gap in the trees. He was with me. I was not alone.

Thinking about that led me to want to see how He was with me when my dad was abusing me all those times. I've never wanted to know before. It has always enraged me that He might have been there but didn't do anything. It made me hate Him to know that He saw it happening and didn't make it stop. And for that reason, I didn't want to see how He was there.

But, all of a sudden, I did. So, I asked Him. What I found is that He was there. Every time. Every single time my dad hurt me, He was there. He was angry for me and had anger in His eyes, though not at me. He cried with me and it hurt Him, too. He was sad He couldn't take me away from that. But, He was there. I can see Him by the bedside as this little girl is being hurt so badly. And He is crying and is angry. He never left. It pained Him to see that happening. He couldn't watch. He looked into my eyes the whole time. And held my hand.

After He showed me this, He held His arms out to me, wanting to hold me. So I let Him. He lifted me up into His lap and I curled up there, leaning against His white robed chest. He is so big compared to how small I am, even though I'm 26. He wrapped His arms around me as I lay my head against His chest. His white robe hid me. He is safe and warm and cozy and nice. He is so big and gentle. I never want to leave. I hope I never do.

I was never alone.
I am never alone.

Ponderings

I'm a runner. Not a great one, by any means, but I still run. I love running. Because of depression and things, I haven't been as active as I used to be before I lost my job in July. Before that, I was running all the time. But, that's not where this is headed.

A friend and I decided to go running yesterday morning. I love trail running, so we headed out on one of my favorite trails. It's a wooded trail that runs along a ditch that flows with water. It's a beautiful trail. I had just finished showing my friend where I had sprained my ankle a few years ago on that very trail when, just a few feet ahead, just as we had begun jogging again, I stepped on a root or a rock or something and heard a sound like someone stepping on branches and they were breaking. And down I went. In tons of a pain and tears and anger and a whole flood of pain and emotions. I eventually went to prompt care, where X-rays were taken and it was said that I sprained my ankle. There were no broken bones, but lots of soft tissue damage. They put me in a soft cast/splint with crutches and said that I'm not to bear weight on it for 2 weeks. So, I'm in this uncomfortable splint with lots of pain, unable to bear weight on it, for 2 whole weeks.

And I keep thinking, "Why?"

Someone suggested that either He saved me from something or will deliver me from something...that there is a reason for everything. But, is there? I'm sure there is....but, really?

One of my thoughts was that maybe there was something worse farther down the trail...there have been lots of mountain lion sightings around here lately....maybe there was one on the trail and we would have run into it. Maybe I was injured to spare my friend (who is married and has children) from that 'something worse.'

And maybe not.

Another of my thoughts that keeps jogging in my head is, "Why did God allow this to happen?" Maybe He caused this to happen. And yet another thought is that No, He didn't...it just happened.

Whatever the reason or no reason, I think I see something in it.

I've been wrestling with God for a while now about why He allowed me to be abused and why He did nothing about it. I've even been angry with Him and have told Him I hated Him. But, I think this running injury shows me that He didn't allow or cause it to happen...It just did. He didn't allow or cause me to fall and be injured. It just happened. The laws of nature and gravity happened. Just like with my dad, the laws of humanity happened. That doesn't mean God wasn't there, but He didn't cause or allow it to happen.

But, He was there. And He'll use it, just like He has just used this running injury.