But, since being at home, I've been really annoyed. I was talking with one of my 'moms' the other night and it just came out that I'm afraid of running into my dad while I'm here. He lives twenty minutes away, and I just don't think I can handle running into him. It would be too much for me. I did see him once at the beginning of my time at home, but his back was to me and we didn't see each other face-to-face. But, I think I was suppressing my fear, and it was turning into aggravation and irritation. I'm constantly afraid of running into him, and therefore am looking behind and all around me when I'm in a public place. And, my hypervigilance has been way hyper because I'm afraid of something or someone being there. I hate jumping at everything.
But, while being home, amidst the chaos, I'm still working through my application for Mercy Ministries. It's a tedious application, and I'm getting tired. I'm getting into the part where finances are going to have to come through. I have to get a physical, a TB test, blood work, and I don't even have insurance. I don't know how all of this is going to work. Not to mention that, if I do get into Mercy, I have to have finances while I'm there. I have to have money if I need to go to the doctor, for psychological services (they mentioned something about this, but I don't understand), money for personal needs and personal hygiene products, and for travel home for breaks and stuff. So, with all that said, and I'm sure there is more, I am in need of God's provision.
Over the last few weeks, I think I have gotten pointers from God that are still pointing me in the direction of Mercy Ministries. One of them is that I stumbled upon Lamentations 3:22-27. It reads:
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in him."
The LORD is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
It is good for a man that he bear
the yoke in his youth.
I found this verse randomly one night when I opened my Bible to read before bed. I felt that it was definitely God speaking to me, especially because I had just prayed right before I read this and it seemed like God was answering my prayer with "wait". I talked to a friend about it who I was put into contact with by a girl in my Bible study. This friend had been to Mercy about a year ago, so it was great that I had her to talk to. I told her about the verse and she said that "His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning" is something I'll hear a lot at Mercy. She said that when you graduate, you get a ring that means that same verse. Sign number 1? Maybe.
Before I left school, I had a friend tell me that she felt that in two weeks I'd have my answer. Well, two weeks came and went, and there was no answer. A few days after the two weeks had passed, a lady from my church here at home called to tell me about a job opportunity she had found online. It was for an editor for Joyce Meyer Ministries, located in St. Louis, Missouri, which is where one of the Mercy houses is located. I spent the night in confusion and wrestling because I didn't understand why this was being thrown my way. I really thought that Mercy was where I was going. This just didn't make sense to me. I talked to my friend and she mentioned that Joyce Meyer Ministries works closely with Mercy Ministries, they are both located in St. Louis (well, the home I'm hoping to get into and the one where she was), and Mercy uses a lot of Joyce's materials. So, maybe, this is a sign that I'm headed in the right direction. The next day, I looked up the job description, and I really don't feel that I fit it. I don't have 3-5 years of experience and I don't know journalism styles and a few other things. But, the worst they can say is 'no', right?
So, I'm still waiting. I will be working to finish this application for Mercy and Joyce Meyer Ministries. I have no idea what God is doing, but know that I want Him to put me where He wants me so that I can bring glory to His name. In the mean time, I'm trying to have peace, love, and patience at home, but it's failing. So, I need your prayers. Pray that God would help me while I'm here at home, that He would somehow get me out of here and soon, and that Mercy would come through.
I know there are a lot of people praying for me, and I thank you. Just keep on praying and I will keep on believing that my answer is coming.
