Happiest of Father's Days

I hate Father's Day.

Well, I used to hate it.

I'm sure I was among the many ranks of people who hated that dreaded day: the day fathers are to be celebrated. My father was abusive sexually, physically, emotionally, mentally...He was demeaning, hurtful, and, because of his abusive actions, absent. What was there to celebrate? That day was a reminder of what I'd lost and missed out on because of what he did....it was a day I dreaded.

When I was young enough to be in kid's church, we would make gifts for our fathers on that day. I had no one to give mine to. It only fueled my hate for that day even more. One year in college, I spent the day with a family who had a father. I cried the entire day. It was another painful reminder of what I'd never had.

People would tell me that I had God as my father, but I struggled there, too. I had a distorted view of Him as father because of my experience with my earthly one. It was hard for me, and uncomfortable, to call Him dad or father. I hated it. And He wasn't tangible like an earthly father was. I wanted that most of all.

College was the hardest time to not have a dad. It was the time I felt the loss and recognized it most. Perhaps it was because I was among other people away from their dads and I heard their discussions about them. I heard conversations about things their dads had sent them or said to them, and various other things regarding their dads. One bathroom conversation I overheard hurt a lot. I felt like God was asking me to talk to Him about it, but I didn't want to. It was too painful. I spent time in the prayer room that night anyway, crying and trying to talk to Him, but I was still so far away from Him. I thought I was close, but my heart was far away, guarded.

I tried looking for dads in Christian men from my churches. I was just so desperate for one and for what I had lost. I was in a lot of pain. In 2010, I met my dad. I had hope that maybe we could have what never was. I soon discovered it wasn't possible, and again felt hurt and anger. Two years later, I moved to California and found yet another 'dad'. In actuality, he saw and preyed upon my vulnerabilities of desiring a dad. He appeared to be good, but ended up causing a lot of hurt and pain, as well as confusion. It was another betrayal by someone who should have been safe. My desire for a dad had to be stopped, I thought. I was angry that I wanted a dad. It seemed to only cause pain.

Sometime after this hurtful incident, I was encouraged by a friend to read the Gospels to find out who Jesus is. I needed to know who He was...the truth...apart from my distorted view of Him. So, I embarked on a journey to find Him. Jeremiah 29:13 says, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." That is a true promise.

I spent months reading through the Gospels. My friend suggested I start in John, so I did. I read John, then worked backwards to Matthew. With each book, each chapter, and really each verse, I sought to find who Jesus really was. I kept a notebook with me, and when I read something that suggested who He was, or gave words to His character, I wrote it down. By the end of each book, I had a list of chapters and verses of who Jesus is. And because I know who Jesus is, I can know who God is (John 14:7, 9) because Jesus reflects His Father (Heb.1:3).

It was amazing to see the real Jesus apart from my distorted beliefs about Him. He wasn't who I thought He was. He was kinder, safe and safe in His loving (not wanting sex from me, unlike my earthly dad), gentle, slow to anger...I saw that He was safe in his righteous anger. When He overturned the money tables in the temple, He didn't hurt anyone. He controlled His anger. That was something my father never did. I learned as a young child that when people are angry, I get hurt. But, that's not the case with my Heavenly Father. God should have been very angry with me and punished me severely, but Jesus took the wrath that was mine when He died on the cross. He took it so that God wouldn't be angry with me. He also took my punishment. If He wouldn't have, I'd have to be severely punished (banishment to Hell).

I mentioned that after I moved to California, I found another father figure in a church I was attending. When the events that lead to my no longer being in relationship with him and his family happened, I was perhaps more broken than before. It threatened my already shaky relationship with God. But, in the midst of the hurt, pain, and confusion, I found a truth that I clung to for dear life. It is that God's thoughts about, for, and towards me are pure, holy, and full of love and grace. To know that He doesn't think about me in a sexual way was and is huge. It helped me see Him, perhaps for the first time, apart from man. It helped me to see Him as good and safe, rather than as another wolf in sheep's clothing as I had just experienced.

Since reading through the Gospels, I've continued to grow and learn about God. And He has pursued me throughout it all, even the times I've hated Him and told Him so. I find hearts everywhere, in all forms. It's a bit ridiculous the hearts I find. But, to me it's God's way of saying He loves me...that He's here...that He sees me. He has also done so many amazing things that reveal His love for me. He has provided in crazy ways that have only grown my faith and trust in Him.

A huge part of this process has also been finding the truth about myself. Learning who I am in Christ, and the things He says about me, has been so imperative for my spiritual growth, as well as growth in all other areas. Fighting the lies has been so hard, but so worth it.

Recently, I've started calling Him 'Dad'. I have fallen head-over-heels in love with Him. It's been a fight to get here, but one worth the battle. I never thought I'd be in this place with God. Because of all my struggles, it seemed impossible. And I had too much fear. My heart was walled up, and this relationship would mean that I'd have to let those walls down...unguard my heart...and my heart had been wounded so many times that I was afraid to trust. My heart said, "Won't He let me down, too? Won't He hurt and abuse me?"

But, oh, what I have found since my walls have begun to crumble! He is good. He protects me. He will never let me down. He will never ever hurt or abuse me. He is not like man. He is a good, good Father. He is my Daddy. God is redefining that word for me. 'Dad' and 'Daddy' have been so tainted by pain, but He is changing that.

I'm following Jesus on a mission trip to Quito, Ecuador this summer. in June. And guess what? I'll be there on Father's Day. My Dad is taking me to work with Him on the day that is meant to celebrate Dads. I get to tell other kids about Him on that day...I get to tell them about my Dad. I'll be loving on kids who have been abused and abandoned, just like me. I don't want them to spend their lives like me, having distorted views of God their Father because of what their earthly fathers may have done. It's one reason I felt I needed to go on this trip. I have to tell them the truth. I have to tell them that we have a good, good Father who loves them so much more than their earthly fathers ever could have. And that He is good, and will never hurt them or abandon them.

When I realized I'd be in Ecuador around Father's Day, I so hoped I'd be there on that day. And I am. My team and I will be at church at Atucucho and will be doing a kids Sunday School. It's one day before leaving for home.

I can't even express what it means to me to be in Ecuador on Father's Day. I just know it's going to be the happiest of Father's Days ever. Me and my Dad...in Ecuador...on Father's Day....My heart rejoices and tears fill my eyes at the thought. This will be our first Father's Day together as true Father/Daughter. It's the first Father's Day I'm not dreading.

And I can't wait!!!!!